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Relationships

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Original poster

Why he doesn't want to marry me?

636 replies

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 21:27

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

OP posts:

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 20/01/2022 22:51

If he wanted to marry you, you would be married. Its a rare case that a man who wants to marry doesn't get married.

Original poster

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 22:52

I didn't insist to be married first before kids as I trusted him as he said he want to marry me so there was no doubt.

OP posts:

ChrissyPlummer · 20/01/2022 22:59

Not quite sure why you’re asking then. The answer is he doesn’t want to, he’s strung you along and you agreed to trust him, mistakenly. Now you’re in a pretty vulnerable position but there isn’t much you can do.

todaysdilemma · 20/01/2022 23:01

You're stuck here, OP. Because he won't marry you. But you need to protect yourself now. The mortgage - does that come out of a joint account you pay into? Are you named on the actual mortgage deed and the title on land registry or just paying him? If you're not on the mortgage deed or the title, it can be difficult to prove you have any right to ownership.

Definitely get a will. I would put my foot down. Getting married may or may not happen, until that time you have no protection or rights to his share of assets. So insist he can either marry you now or get the will, but you won't spend another minute with no official next of kin status.

I would also try to go back to full time work - you need financial security if he ever leaves you. Because as it stands he owes you nothing, not even child care if he leaves. So ensure you can support yourself and children for that eventuality.

Emotionally how you deal with it I'm not sure. He has betrayed you terribly by promising something he has no interest in delivering. Leaving him is the only bargaining chip you have but really if a relationship comes down this, it's in deep trouble. Maybe one more conversation with him where you are more forceful about why you want to get married and how unprotected you and the DC are in case anything happens to him.

FAQs · 20/01/2022 23:01

Wow a lot of assumptions about single parents and council estate residents, I’m a single parent, mortgage, nice house, own company, I don’t tick your boxes. Maybe because I’ve worked for it, other single parent friends, company directors, GP, nurse, we are normal working people amongst you, whilst you work part-time and can’t support yourself.

ChrissyPlummer · 20/01/2022 23:04

The NOK thing is legal. He can make a will or choose beneficiaries for his life insurance, however these can be challenged legally by his family. In England, a marriage supersedes any previous wills.

His immediate family would also have final say if he were taken to hospital, for example, his family would have the right to make decisions about treatment etc. As an unmarried partner, you do not.

todaysdilemma · 20/01/2022 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

GettingItOutThere · 20/01/2022 23:12

ultimatum required - book the registry office - legally get it done and arrange a big party when hes happy with the covid situation.

hes dragging his feet, he does not need to propose after 2 kids and a house! just make it legal and protect yourself and your kids! and have the same name

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/01/2022 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

Original poster

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 23:19

I'm sorry if offended someone. I see many single parents or people with problems all the flats/houses given by the council are in a bad areas. Near my area I see kids are setting off the fireworks in children play park destroying it also broken glass everywhere ridding a scooter in a play park? I've not seen a good area in town where I live where single parents lives in nice environment. Sorry I'm just saying from my experience. I don't work full time as I have 2 little kids. Can't afford nursery more than part time. Until they don't start school I have to look after them. So when you put in a hospital or go records your parent's name as a next to kin then you are actually not next to kin in case of the accident or any decision?

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 20/01/2022 23:21

Just tell him he doesn't need to propose - you're going to go ahead and make the arrangements anyway. And discuss the date with him. Would he like summer/autumn/church/registry office/hotel? Who would he like to invite from his friends and family? Get a brochure of invitation cards and ask him to help you choose. Who does he want as his Best Man? Where would he like to go on his Stag, and honeymoon? My daughter in law did this.

OopsadayZ · 20/01/2022 23:25

Sorry but he's just been making excuses. If he wanted to marry you he would have done so....

You basically have two choices:

stay in the relationship and accept you will unlikely ever be married (but you need your own career, financial independence and to be on the house deeds)
tell him you want to be married by 31st July (big wedding or registry office) and if not then you'll leave him. But then you'll have to follow through.

Original poster

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 23:26

I really don't care about the proposal as the ring as much as he does. I want to go to register office. He said he doesn't want to do it that way. He needs to propose. 7 years is taking him to do so! I'm not the person who I pitting pressure on anyone but c'mon. He had many occasions to do it.

OP posts:

Thirtytimesround · 20/01/2022 23:28

A lot of people are very confidently telling you that he doesn’t want to marry you. They’re too confident: they can’t possibly know. Neither do I 🤷‍♀️ DH took a decade to propose to me, did it eventually and admitted he was just lazy / not sure what to do / it was always one for “another time”.

I would tell him that, now you’re both very grown up with house kids etc, the moment for a formal surprise proposal has passed, and you really want to be his wife and share his and the children’s name, and therefore you suggest a sudden wedding in the summer of 2022. You have looked into it and “X hotel has a few dates available in August, let’s go for it.” If he says no, say something like “Love this IS me proposing to you, I’m seriously asking you to marry me, this right here is the proposal, say you’ll be my husband?”

If he says no then you’ve got a problem but at least you know where you stand.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/01/2022 23:28

I see many single parents or people with problems all the flats/houses given by the council are in a bad areas.

And it didn't occur to you that there may be plenty of single parents elsewhere?

I don't work full time as I have 2 little kids. Can't afford nursery more than part time.

Again, this is a conversation it's astounding you didn't have before having kids. You should have either put in place legal protection so you both had some financial security, or got married before giving up full time work and him continuing to work with no consequence to his career from having children. Because a child is created 50:50 so it isn't a woman's responsibility to either bear all the childcare costs or give up work and therefore be incredibly vulnerable financially if unmarried.

How long until your children get some free childcare hours and / or are will be at school?

You've mentioned sacrificing for your kids. Yet you don't seem massively open to doing so if it means being proactive. You need to be willing to at least for some paperwork instead of flippantly dismissing it, saying that signing stuff is too much effort when people suggested it?!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/01/2022 23:30

@Dillydollydingdong

But he doesn't want to do that. You can't force someone up the aisle! He literally doesn't want to get married, at least anytime soon, so her doing all this would be a waste of time as he wouldn't go through with it. She'd be better off getting legal paperwork sorted to make sure she's as protected as possible, as he doesn't sound likely to change his mind.

SilkLabrador · 20/01/2022 23:34

My husband was like this. We married after children. He procrastinated, his experience of marriage was via his parents divorce so he had reservations.

I explained I knew of many more positive ones and that it was a deal breaker. He eventually proposed and we are now happily married.

Original poster

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 23:35

@Thirtytimesround

If he says no then you’ve got a problem but at least you know where you stand.

That would be beautiful but I think I didn't have enough guts to do it. I'm too shy to propose to guy. I want it other way round. I want to know what is going on? Perhaps he's too lazy as u mentioned. I don't know. There was one time when he was drinking and he asked me to marry him but he doesn't have a ring . He said to me if we can go to the shop together to choose the ring. Next morning nothing. So after few days asked him what was that? As I didn't know if I was engaged or not lol. He said he wants to do it properly again. That wasn't a good proposal. Ok so I waited. Nothing has happened. I hoped for proposal . He has so many opportunities. So I said to him after a while. You never going to propose to me don't you? There's never a perfect moment for you. Since that moment we live our lives as nothing has happened.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/01/2022 23:37

That would be beautiful but I think I didn't have enough guts to do it. I'm too shy to propose to guy. I want it other way round

Again, if you think being married is best for your kids then surely this is yet another sacrifice you should be willing to make

Sacrificing your ideal proposal doesn't sound that huge a thing to give up if you're really keen to make sacrifices for your kids as you claim you are?!

Original poster

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 23:39

@SilkLabrador

My husband was like this. We married after children. He procrastinated, his experience of marriage was via his parents divorce so he had reservations.

I explained I knew of many more positive ones and that it was a deal breaker. He eventually proposed and we are now happily married.

Please can you tell me what did you say to him so he wanted to get married? I didn't want him to propose I want just to get married . He wants the wedding and all that.

OP posts:

FFSjustLTB · 20/01/2022 23:40

Start to put some money aside into an account in your name, op. This is really important.

Original poster

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 23:41

I said many times previously I don't want proposal at all. He wants it badly so I said ok. I want to go to register office. He doesn't as he wants a big wedding.

Also his patents are happily married ironically.

OP posts:

FridaRose · 20/01/2022 23:43

your bf does not want to marry you
you cannot force him to marry you
you will not give him an ultimatum
you will not leave because you want your kids to have nice things and you haven't achieved a career of your own (because you describe a life of poverty (?!) if you're without your bf)

I suspect the last point is one of the key reasons he doesn't want to marry you. He thinks 'why change things as they are, if something happens god forbid- I'll have to give away half of everything'. He gains NOTHING by marriage. Whereas you gain the money pension he's worked for.

It's not gonna happen OP. Your choice is to stay or leave. You say you won't leave so your choice is to stay and ... suck it up. Sorry.

Original poster

Spinstermum · 20/01/2022 23:45

I want to do something about it but don't know what. Please help. Should I give him an ultimatum?Should I ask him for his reasons why his not doing it or should I be angry or should I ban him for sex lol

OP posts:

FridaRose · 20/01/2022 23:46

If you give an ultimatum you have to be prepared to follow it through. And from your posts you mentioned you won't follow it thorough.

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