Why he doesn't want to marry me?

[Spinstermum]

I'm trying to find a proper reasons why it's important for me to get married. He doesn't care about me reaching age of 40 feeling old . He still thinks it doesn't matter for him how old I'm as I'm still gonna look pretty in white dress. We started being friends when I was 27 years old. We have 2 kids together. We bought a house. Then our goal was to get married which never happened. At some point I wanted to go to register office and do it. He didn't want it. He wants to have a proper wedding with a music dance ect. So why it's taking him so long? He wants to propose. I really don't care any more as I've waited for such a long time I only want to be his wife and to feel complete. When I was pregnant I asked him why dont we make plans now. He said it's covid out there. It's gonna be very difficult to organise the wedding. Now he told me he wants to propose but needs to find the right moment. Ok so all those family trip, birthdays, Christmas,new year are not enough to find a perfect moment? I got feeling he is stringing me along . My thoughts are that he doesn't want to get married and all of that its just a lie. If I would know that sooner I'd never start relationship with somebody who doesn't want to get married in the end. I don't even have the same surname as my kids which is awful feeling but he doesn't care in his opinion this is not strong argument to get married. What else I can do/ say?

@Spinstermum you are sorry you offended, only to cause further offence, my god woman it’s not the 1950s. And single parent are no longer confined to work houses and placed in one type of housing, believe it or not, and steady yourself as this might require smelling salts. We actually work, including when our children are small, because we have no choice, we have mortgages and god forbid we actually also live in nice places, nice villages and desirable cities and we support ourselves and our children. I know I’m above my station and should know my place, what am I thinking.

Oh and the desirable private gated village I live in has dog shit on the pavement from lazy dog owners, graffiti from bored kids who don’t give a damn and who keep wrecking the play park for the smaller children.

Take responsibility for your own situation, your own finances and your children but do not take your dissatisfaction of your situation of which you created out on others to make yourself feel superior.

@Spinstermum

I want to do something about it but don't know what. Please help. Should I give him an ultimatum?Should I ask him for his reasons why his not doing it or should I be angry or should I ban him for sex lol

Sex isn't a reward to be 'given' to men for good behaviour or withdrawn to punish them. It's something two adults should do when both want to, not a power play. The fact you think otherwise is another indication this whole relationship is unequal and unhealthy tbh.

@FridaRose

• your bf does not want to marry you
• you cannot force him to marry you
• you will not give him an ultimatum
• you will not leave because you want your kids to have nice things and you haven't achieved a career of your own (because you describe a life of poverty (?!) if you're without your bf)

I suspect the last point is one of the key reasons he doesn't want to marry you. He thinks 'why change things as they are, if something happens god forbid- I'll have to give away half of everything'. He gains NOTHING by marriage. Whereas you gain the money pension he's worked for.

It's not gonna happen OP. Your choice is to stay or leave. You say you won't leave so your choice is to stay and ... suck it up. Sorry.

You are wrong by saying I havent achieve a carrier of my own as i have. I got good degree and got extra qualifications being on maternity leave. I can't work full time yet as I have little kids. In a few years yes.

As PP said, you should propose to him. That way you will get your answer and be able to decide what to do about it.

@Spinstermum

When we got together I told him I only want serious man who wants kids and marriage ect. He said yes. So I didn't want to pressure him so we got kids but then thought it's out plan it's pretty obvious that next step is marriage. But noth8ng has happened. I'm his next to kin. I only got basic pension from part time work. He gets full time work pension also life insurance. We don't have will. I don't want to think about all that stuff. It's too much to sign to make sure I'll be ok just in case.

If you're not married you are Not his next of kin.

OP, I’m guessing that English isn’t your first language?

There’s an old saying in English-
“Why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free”.

Not a very nice saying, but certainly a big element of truth to it.

Why would he bother getting married? You’re giving him children, sex, contributing towards the roof over his head, probably washing his clothes and cooking his meals.

He has it this good with zero commitment, why would be change that?

What possessed you to have children when marriage was so important to you?

I'd like to sign 1 document of marriage instead of 50 documents of protecting myself in the future "just in case". There are other " romantic " reasons too.

Signing 50 documents (and not having the romance of a proposal) are too much of those 'sacrifices' you claimed you were willing to make, even if doing so would safeguard your financial future, your position of next of kin and your children's security should you split / one of you pass away? Blimey.

He doesn’t want to marry you.

So now you need to protect yourself as you can since you’ve left yourself without any legal protection in the event of a split:

Get saving
Get working full time and your pension up
Formally contribute to the mortgage
Wills
Council house list if you’re feeling really insecure.

I am not being mean at all but I really don’t understand why women gamble so much with their security and that if their children.

We need to behave more like men in that regard - they don’t often get themselves into situations where they’re the vulnerable party. We do it all the time. If you’re not married; once you have a baby you’re pretty exposed to all kinds of risk. And have absolutely no bargaining power left.

I watched my dear friend wait around for 15 years for The Ring. Two kids later - he was off and married the next girlfriend he had. I was with a manchild for 7 years and was fobbed off constantly.

@VodselForDinner

OP, I’m guessing that English isn’t your first language?

There’s an old saying in English-
“Why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free”.

Not a very nice saying, but certainly a big element of truth to it.

Why would he bother getting married? You’re giving him children, sex, contributing towards the roof over his head, probably washing his clothes and cooking his meals.

He has it this good with zero commitment, why would be change that?

What possessed you to have children when marriage was so important to you?

I know:(

@Spinstermum

I'm sorry if offended someone. I see many single parents or people with problems all the flats/houses given by the council are in a bad areas. Near my area I see kids are setting off the fireworks in children play park destroying it also broken glass everywhere ridding a scooter in a play park? I've not seen a good area in town where I live where single parents lives in nice environment. Sorry I'm just saying from my experience. I don't work full time as I have 2 little kids. Can't afford nursery more than part time. Until they don't start school I have to look after them. So when you put in a hospital or go records your parent's name as a next to kin then you are actually not next to kin in case of the accident or any decision?

Yeah with your crappy attitude to single mums you can stay put and take your chances tbh!

As a lone mum of 3 I run my own business and live in the nicest area of my town in a beautiful house on which I pay my own mortgage.

Of course if you’re planning to sit on your arse and not work, waiting for the council to give you a house, you’ll have to take whatever you can get.

Or maybe you could be proactive, work like everyone else does (believe it or not most benefit claimants are on IN-WORK benefits ie top ups for their low wages, they don’t get money to sit around doing nothing!) and choose where you want to bring up your family.

If you want to get married then you should at least know what the differences are re next of kin, transfer of assets, tax etc and if it’s really just because you want a pretty dress and a nice party then do that. After all, if all the legal protection stuff is just too much like effort for you to bother, just don’t. The only one who will miss out is you.

First off stop making nasty generalisations about single parents and council tenants.

Secondly, you’re asking advice then saying you won’t do any of it. You won’t work full time, you won’t propose to him, you won’t leave, you won’t make a will or any other legal document to protect yourself in the event of his death. So what do you actually want? Because your only other option is to continue as things are and put up with it. It’s quite obvious he has no intention of getting married, as others have said it would negatively impact him financially if you split. So you need to take responsibility for yourself and your own life. He can go part time to do childcare so you can get back into full time work and build up your pension. But let me guess, you wouldn’t suggest that and he’d refuse.

Excuses excuses and yes you can work full time with little kids. You then use your wages and his wages to pay nursery fees and get yourself in a stronger position than you are now.

Please at least try to get wills drawn up

I'm not sure he wants to marry you.

I got pregnant with my then boyfriend, and as soon as he found out, he proposed. We've now been married for 15 years.

It is unlikely that he will propose to you . This is because he doesn’t want to marry you

@Spinstermum

I said many times previously I don't want proposal at all. He wants it badly so I said ok. I want to go to register office. He doesn't as he wants a big wedding. Also his patents are happily married ironically.

He doesn’t want to propose badly, if he did he would have. He doesn’t want a big wedding either, well maybe he does one day, but he doesn’t want it with you. Open your eyes.

@RoyKentsChestHair

You need to be paying the mortgage from a joint account. Without being married he can claim that he’s been paying the mortgage by himself the whole time and so any equity you’ve built up in the house could be awarded to him if you split.

He knows what he’s doing. He’s a shit.

This does depend on the type of ownership they have of the house. If it's joint then it could matter. If it's held as tenants in common they retain their predetermined shares of the house, but if one dies their share of the house will be inherited as per their will, so OP could find herself homeless if he's left it to someone else and wouldn't necessarily know as he could change a will at any time.

OP you need to get some legal advice on your home ownership and also on things like next of kin and will's, also make sure any investments/savings/pension your DP has you're getting to save the same amount for your future. As you're not married you need all the legal documents in place. Not having that at the very least would be a deal breaker for me.

You can work full time with little kids. Lots of us do. He's half responsible for them: if he wants them to have the benefit of a parent at home he can either drop some of his own hours to be he with them or marry you so that you're not "up the creek without a paddle" in the future.

@Spinstermum

I can't give him ultimatum. I have too much too lose. My kids are going to lose a great house. I'm gonna get shitty house from the government for single mum's. Then neighbours who's on benefits not working drinking having low standards cheap school. I want my kids to have a good future. I want to sacrify for them. I have to. How do u say I'm not his next to keen when he put my name on? Not sure about his insurance.

Excuse me?

@Spinstermum

I said many times previously I don't want proposal at all. He wants it badly so I said ok. I want to go to register office. He doesn't as he wants a big wedding. Also his patents are happily married ironically.

Why can't you do both? Get married at the registry office now. Keep it quiet. Have a blessing and big party when he's ready.

I'm gonna get shitty house from the government
The taxpayers of this country will be gutted that the house they're giving you won't be up to your high standards. 🙄

OP, I have an idea. There are certain elements of legal protection marriage can offer that you can achieve with the proper paperwork such as setting up wills, next of kin etc. Start doing it. I would tell him that you love him etc, however it is obvious marriage is not something he wants so you need to work on legal side of things to make it work for you and the kids. Also do tell him it bothers you about having different name to the kids so you'd like to change it to your own or double barrel it.
Be prepared he will be defensive and talk about finding the right moment to propose. Frankly that ship sailed long ago.. There is no surprise element there, you already have a child and by all means a family

You have this idea and vision of a single mum living in poverty with filthy children roaming the streets barefoot.

Your idea of a woman in a relationship is someone who lives in a nice house in a nice area, and her children have bright futures and opportunities.

How you live depends on YOU and your career/job etc., not on whether you have a man or not.

Put a cut off date.
Say ‘propose by May, or I will’
You have been given some great advice already here. All the best.

*I was with a man child for 7 years and was fobbed off constantly.
*
Same here. Mine even went to the lengths of going through a religious (but importantly, not legal) ceremony where we had 350 guests! After 5 years of me enquiring about once a year when we could do the legal side, and his answer being "perhaps on the 10th anniversary of the religious ceremony", I had enough and left him.

Marriage was not a priority for my EXDP in any way shape or form, and because he'd been married previously he was even more reluctant. He didn't tell me any of that though, he spent the relationship making all the right noises, and pretended he wanted to get married right up until the day I left him!

Has your DP been married previously? All the things he says are stopping him from getting married are things he needs to do (propose, decide where etc). He is blocking himself from marriage! Ask yourself honestly why.