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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband suddenly changed

385 replies

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:30

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

OP posts:

oohmama · 16/01/2022 10:32

Do you have kids?

oohmama · 16/01/2022 10:32

Because you really need to leave and it's easier without kids so...

Original poster

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:32

No kids

OP posts:

MysticPeg1 · 16/01/2022 10:34

No kids.. Then it's easy.
Go.

Youngstreet · 16/01/2022 10:34

So sorry OP.
He's definitely having at least an emotional affair.
Don't let him persuade you that you've changed or done anything wrong.
He wants out and he wants you to take the blame.
Can you speak to family or friends for support?

Cakecakecheese · 16/01/2022 10:35

I'm so sorry but you're right. He's a coward and rather than owning up and letting you down gently he's being a nasty prick to try to get you to leave so he can blame you.

Do you know this woman? I would say try to talk to her but if he found out he'd react badly again.

You deserve better.

Original poster

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:35

I am texting my Mum as I live some distance from her. How can he be so cruel. I feel physically broken

OP posts:

TheCatShatInTheHat · 16/01/2022 10:37

What do you want to happen OP?

Personally, I'd leave (or make him leave).

Original poster

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:38

I don't know this woman, i have her phone numbef and have thought about contacting her. When I looked at phonebill which I pay he contacted her within minutes of landing. He now appears to call her via whatsapp as it doesn't feature on the phonebill

OP posts:

PonyPatter44 · 16/01/2022 10:38

He is cruel and he's a coward. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please don't demean yourself any more - kick him out, tell him the house will go on the market in the next two weeks, and he can sod off to be with his OW.

It might feel like the end of the world, but this might be the best thing that ever happened to you, in the long run.

D0lphine · 16/01/2022 10:39

@curledupinaball

I am texting my Mum as I live some distance from her. How can he be so cruel. I feel physically broken

Oh love I am so so sorry.

Do you have to work this weekend? Pack a bag and go and see your mum.

Original poster

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:41

His parents own our house which we rent off them! Another complication

OP posts:

Yummypumpkin · 16/01/2022 10:41

I'm really sorry.

I would try (impossible I know) not to fight with him about OW. You know enough. He's going to lie anyway and it's in a sense not your problem now.

It's not her. It's him. And yes it sounds like he's going to try and save face and deny it all. His actions seem really clear so don't chase a liar for the truth.

Get to your Mums. Can you take a few days off work?

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/01/2022 10:45

Leave. He’s cheating emotionally at the minimum

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2022 10:50

Do not contact her, she immaterial and she’s likely been fed a lot of lies about you.

I would firm up plans to leave and then divorce him as soon as possible.

Juletide · 16/01/2022 10:50

Do you have anywhere else to go OP?

Bonbon21 · 16/01/2022 10:56

I would get in there first and tell his parents exactly why your marriage is over. You have done nothing wrong. He is an arse.
You will get through this. You feel broken right now but if there is a positive in all this ... you have no kids and no property to sort out.
Hold your head high. You can do this.
X

Mumdiva99 · 16/01/2022 11:03

Actually the fact you rent off his parents is a blessing. You can just walk away immediately - I am assuming it's an unofficial rental with no tenancy agreement. If it puts anyone in a challenging financial position just exain he's been having an affair and they need to deal with him. Take your stuff. Take a weeks leave from work - emergency or holiday. Or if you really can't then book into a hotel. Deal with the practical first and then the emotional. So so sorry you are going through this.

GreenClock · 16/01/2022 11:03

Move out ASAP. Stop paying your share of the rent - you’ll need that money for a solicitor (although in the absence of assets and children it will be a straightforward divorce). When his parents ask, he can explain why.

Go to your mum’s temporarily (if you’re able to work from there or commute from there).

Swingsandroundabouts123 · 16/01/2022 11:04

Wait, Did he give her a copy of your wedding poem??!

Original poster

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 11:05

@Swingsandroundabouts123

Wait, Did he give her a copy of your wedding poem??!

Yes we had Seamus Heaney which he'd never heard of before our Wedding

OP posts:

Swingsandroundabouts123 · 16/01/2022 11:12

I’m so sorry, that’s heartbreaking. I hope you find the strength and support to leave him.

TheWeeDonkey · 16/01/2022 11:23

What a W⚓. He's not being cruel, he's being a coward and pushing you into a position where you have to end the relationship rather than being honest. He wants you to play the pick me dance.

Cut your loses before you have anything else tying you together. What an arse I'm so sorry OP 💐

Gilda152 · 16/01/2022 11:27

I know you're gutted. But financially you're in such a strong position to just walk away from this idiot. No kids, no mortgage. Leave him as he deserves to be left. Yes I know that you think that gives him what he wants, but ultimately your life does not need to spent being cheated on so do it for you.

AngelinaFibres · 16/01/2022 11:49

@curledupinaball

His parents own our house which we rent off them! Another complication

You can leave. If you rent off his parents then they can hardly blame you for leaving when you tell them why. He stays there and sorts the rent out. You have no obligation there. Find yourself somewhere else to live. It will be difficult and painful for a while but it will turn out to be the best thing that ever ,ever happened to you. I was in exactly your position 25 years ago, but I had a 2 year old and a 3 year old. If I had known the wonderful life I would have without my ex husband I would have helped him pack.

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