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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband suddenly changed

385 replies

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:30

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

OP posts:
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 16/01/2022 11:57

What a fucking dick!

You don't need to hear all the sordid details. No matter what you deserve better than this

Don't question it, don't second guess it, don't make excuses for him

Leave and love yourself

You deserve so much better Thanks

litterbird · 16/01/2022 11:59

This is heartbreaking for you. So sorry. He has finished the marriage now with his words and actions. You are in a very good position to leave and start to rebuild your life. Its going to be tough for a while but you have very little tied to him apart from a marriage contract. Go and stay with your mum for a bit and grieve this part of your life for now. x

supercali77 · 16/01/2022 12:00

Im so sorry. What an absolute coward. He doesnt want to be the 'bad guy' so he's trying to make you take the fall. But as others have said, as painful as this is....you have an easy out. I wouldnt dress this up for his family on his behalf. Hes inappropriately texting another woman and you found out about it.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/01/2022 12:00

Leave, leave, leave.

Momijin · 16/01/2022 12:00

Leave him. What a bastard to use your wedding poem to woo her. I'd be so tempered to contact her and ask her if she enjoyed the poem you picked especially for your wedding that he had never heard of before. Prick.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 12:01

@Momijin

Leave him. What a bastard to use your wedding poem to woo her. I'd be so tempered to contact her and ask her if she enjoyed the poem you picked especially for your wedding that he had never heard of before. Prick.
It's very tempting!!
OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/01/2022 12:06

Fucking hell op, as a fellow lover of poetry - that's brutal.

If it's any comfort, he clearly isn't a poetry lover (never heard of Seamus Heaney?!) and probably just went with "what makes women's knickers drop? Oh yeah, poems" its not that he suddenly got "meaningful" with someone else. He was never meaningful.

Dillydollydingdong · 16/01/2022 12:06

Agree with Momjin. And tell his parents why you're leaving. And shake the dust off your feet. New beginnings!

Dearblossom · 16/01/2022 12:07

Do get off to your Mums. Don't think about giving him what he wants think about giving yourself what you need Flowers

Original poster
curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 12:09

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Fucking hell op, as a fellow lover of poetry - that's brutal.

If it's any comfort, he clearly isn't a poetry lover (never heard of Seamus Heaney?!) and probably just went with "what makes women's knickers drop? Oh yeah, poems" its not that he suddenly got "meaningful" with someone else. He was never meaningful.

Yes we had Scaffolding. He works in Construction.
OP posts:
Loveisthere · 16/01/2022 12:16

Leave him and also send other woman copy of your wedding poem and ask her if she recognises it. That should put a stop to his affair sharing wedding poems with new girlfriend is a real passion killer

Shelby2010 · 16/01/2022 12:18

I would also be tempted to ask OW about the poem. What a slime-ball.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2022 12:21

@curledupinaball

No kids
Thank god. Sorry, op, but it's a no-brainer. Your husband is cheating and he's got to go. Don't waste any more time.
Marshy86 · 16/01/2022 12:21

Oh Op I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, do you think it's just emotional or are there times where he has been saying he needs to work overtime ect / new hobbies started in the time frame you mentioned ?

Original poster
curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 12:22

@Marshy86

Oh Op I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, do you think it's just emotional or are there times where he has been saying he needs to work overtime ect / new hobbies started in the time frame you mentioned ?
He has started arriving home an hour later each evening
OP posts:
Giggorata · 16/01/2022 12:23

Sounds like it's time to cut your losses with this gaslighting, lying arse.

It is unforgivable but try and get clinical about it, it will help you be practical and strong.
Take all your own stuff when you go, because you can't guarantee you'll
ever see it again if you don't.
Sort out the paperwork and finances immediately, copying everything you're not removing.
If you have joint accounts, take 50% and remove your name.
Don't pay a penny more rent, bills
If you have joint bills, hand over to him solely, change the name on bills that are solely your name, etc.

Above all, don't listen to him and grey rock him if he tries. You are worth so much more than this!

Bluebluemoon39 · 16/01/2022 12:27

Oh wow, I've heard some things on MN but wooing the OW with YOUR wedding poem is a new low.

Shows a complete lack of moral fibre not to mention being devoid of any imagination or originality.

I know it's hard OP but honestly, there's nothing left for you here. Don't beg him for explanations or information about the OW.

At least you can leave with your dignity intact.

Slingingcontest · 16/01/2022 12:30

This is absolutely awful op! Why are men such cowards.

Please protect yourself legally and get some advice and rl.support around you.

That's one of the lowest and most despicable things I have read on here about the poem. Keep that detail handy for the divorce hearing. Flowers

Original poster
curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 12:33

@Slingingcontest

This is absolutely awful op! Why are men such cowards.

Please protect yourself legally and get some advice and rl.support around you.

That's one of the lowest and most despicable things I have read on here about the poem. Keep that detail handy for the divorce hearing. Flowers

I'm not supposed to knowabout the poem he ordered it with hiswork email and had it delivered to his parents.
OP posts:
EightNationNavy · 16/01/2022 12:35

God he's not subtle, is he!
OP, you know sometimes you buy a new car, decent make, respected dealer, and it turns out to be the "lemon" car that has everything going wrong with that?
Well, to your misfortune, you ended up with the husband version of that.
But, focus on the future, extricate yourself as efficiently as you can, and this time next year things will be so, so much better. Best of luck to you.

Queenie6655 · 16/01/2022 12:36

Loser

Total loser

So so sorry
Get out asap and cut every form of contact

billy1966 · 16/01/2022 12:41

What an absolute loser.

You are lucky to have found out.

Get organised.

Then tell his parents and all mutual friends.

Definitely tell her about the poem.

He is scum.

Save your tears, he isn't worth it.

Be so glad you don't have children with him.

You will survive this.

Flowers
Original poster
curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 12:46

I have 30k of my own money. We also have 2 dogs who i want with me. Really struggling

OP posts:
Dumbitdown · 16/01/2022 12:47

If she's anything like my ex's ow, she'll be googling the bleep out of you. Make a public post on FB with the poem, pointing out it's your wedding poem and saying something about how you surprised your husband with it on your wedding - no need to mention anything about what's going on. It's a roundabout dig but worked a treat for me.

More importantly. I'm coming into year 3 after picking up and leaving mine (after 17 years together). It was very very hard, especially with the extra spanner in the works that is covid, but it really can become a time for self discovery and you might just surprise yourself.

You are worth more than a coward who can't even admit he's hurting you.

Bluetrews25 · 16/01/2022 12:47

Rise above it.
You don't need to have him confirm what a cheating scumbag he is.
It doesn't matter. He's now irrelevant to you. Irrelevant. You matter, OP, he does not.
Just gather up your dignity, self-worth and self-value and leave. Leave him and the OW in the past, far behind you.
A brighter, happier future is ahead of you.

Sending you a hug.

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