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Original poster

Husband suddenly changed

385 replies

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:30

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

OP posts:
Thewoolmill · 02/02/2022 17:03

What a total shit he is! He’s probably behaving like the arsehole he is because he doesn’t want to end the marriage and feel guilty so by being vile, he’s hoping you’ll do it for him. Cowardly git!

I hope you’re doing okay today. You deserve so much more.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 02/02/2022 18:03

@Thewoolmill

What a total shit he is! He’s probably behaving like the arsehole he is because he doesn’t want to end the marriage and feel guilty so by being vile, he’s hoping you’ll do it for him. Cowardly git!

I hope you’re doing okay today. You deserve so much more.

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻it's exactly this, then he will play victim.
OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 02/02/2022 19:29

Does it matter if he plays the victim... people who know YOU will believe YOU... people who know HIM will believe HIM... that is human nature... you don't/won't get extra points for martyrdom...
At 52 you are wasting time.. precious time on this shit of a man.. he is really really not worth it...
Get your self some storage...a place to live meantime and go.... just go... and get with your life... you are in a much stronger and luckier place than so many women who find out their marriage is a sham... take that luck...use that strength..

Popcorn925 · 02/02/2022 19:41

Op, his parents Will side with him regardless. You could be waiting for him to trip up for eternity.

pollygartertidywife · 02/02/2022 21:53

You are wasting wlife away on a worthless man OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/02/2022 22:34

So what happens if you can't find the 'proof positive' that you are seeking? Are you going to be content to spend 10, 20, 30 years searching for evidence and living with someone you know is a cheat just because you can't find the 'right' proof? Because you know as well as I do the trust is broken, you'll never trust him again so it will be a never ending search for evidence, if not of this affair, then of the next one, and the next one, and the next one. Why torture yourself?

Absent 'in flagrante delicto' IRL or in pictures all evidence can be 'spun' or 'doubted' if the person seeing or hearing it wants to do so, especially when it comes to his family and his particular mates, so chances they'll believe him over you no matter what you say or show them. Or he'll convince them that you 'forced' him into cheating because you were so 'terrible' to him. I'm sure your family and your particular friends will believe you 100% based simply on your word because they know you and value your feelings.

It's like the old saying "Them that minds don't matter and them that matter don't mind". Do you really care what his parents think? Or his friends? You have no children to 'tie' you to him or to his family. Once you have split you need never see any of them again.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 02/02/2022 22:41

@AcrossthePond55

So what happens if you can't find the 'proof positive' that you are seeking? Are you going to be content to spend 10, 20, 30 years searching for evidence and living with someone you know is a cheat just because you can't find the 'right' proof? Because you know as well as I do the trust is broken, you'll never trust him again so it will be a never ending search for evidence, if not of this affair, then of the next one, and the next one, and the next one. Why torture yourself?

Absent 'in flagrante delicto' IRL or in pictures all evidence can be 'spun' or 'doubted' if the person seeing or hearing it wants to do so, especially when it comes to his family and his particular mates, so chances they'll believe him over you no matter what you say or show them. Or he'll convince them that you 'forced' him into cheating because you were so 'terrible' to him. I'm sure your family and your particular friends will believe you 100% based simply on your word because they know you and value your feelings.

It's like the old saying "Them that minds don't matter and them that matter don't mind". Do you really care what his parents think? Or his friends? You have no children to 'tie' you to him or to his family. Once you have split you need never see any of them again.

I will start looking for a rental property tomorrow and will ensure that everything that is mine in this house is collected for storage. He thinks that if I dump him he will be able to keep everything in here and play victim. More fool him. Bloody hard though
OP posts:
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 02/02/2022 23:07

Well done OP and good luck finding somewhere. What anyone on his side thinks is irrelevant. His parents and friends will love and support him though it all.
Focus on you and what's best for your mental health. 5 years from now, you're more likely to say 'why did I waste another day with him
as opposed to, 'I wish I'd stayed longer and gatjered more eveidence'.
Don't let him have control, move on and start the road to a happier place. It is hard, there no denying that, but it does get better. You heal and he becomes a distant memory with time.
All the best.

BobISMyUncle · 02/02/2022 23:09

My husband did this exact same thing. Dinner, on the table, as soon as he got in from work. Of course. My mother did the same thing. She was a Good Housewife. His Mother, (think Hyacinth Bucket) was exemplary. Of course she was. Thankfully, they're all dead now and I live my life as I want.
I may have been nearly the Runt of the family. I DID make a difference though. My "Dad" was jailed for child sexual abuse. Finally. Finally, I got him stopped!

Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to hijack. Sorry. My sister has recently passed away, and sorry. She stood next to me in court. Sorry.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 02/02/2022 23:12

Never will i get this close to anybody ever again!

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 03/02/2022 00:21

@Bowwowwowoh

OP. Aren't you tempted to just ask him outright about what happened to the poem he ordered?
From the sound of it he was hoping it would get him laid but failed miserably.
Velvian · 03/02/2022 07:05

@curledupinaball, you need to move the furniture the day you leave, when he is at work. He could easily get the locks changed as soon as you're gone. Just let him return from work to no wife, missing furniture and no dinnerGrin. Just imagine his face! That will hopefully spur you on.

Original poster
curledupinaball · 03/02/2022 17:16

[quote Velvian]@curledupinaball, you need to move the furniture the day you leave, when he is at work. He could easily get the locks changed as soon as you're gone. Just let him return from work to no wife, missing furniture and no dinnerGrin. Just imagine his face! That will hopefully spur you on.[/quote]
That is my plan. He has been married before and when his Ex Wife dumped him his Mum turned on her. She found a Solicitor for him and stated that his ex Wife "wouldn't get the better of her"
This is why I have to have a new place sorted and gone on the same day as she owns the house and would change the locks.
I think DH is relying on the fact that I will crack and just walk and that his Mum will back him up and fight on his behalf, he can then move the OW in and everything will be hunky dory.
I have started looking for a new place today and getting quotes for the furniture removal and storage. I think he will actually be left with a sofa (which the finance is in him name for!) a chest of drawers and the dining room table!!!

OP posts:
pollygartertidywife · 03/02/2022 18:01

I am intrigued (just a really fancy way of being nosey ) but HOW ON EARTH are you managing your life ? When he comes home ? Do you say 'hi darling how was your day '? Do you cook together , eat together ? Sleep together... ???

Are you not boiling to say ' you utter bastard I know what you are doing !!'

Really OP ... how on alerts are you managing this day to day ?

Original poster
curledupinaball · 03/02/2022 18:54

@pollygartertidywife

I am intrigued (just a really fancy way of being nosey ) but HOW ON EARTH are you managing your life ? When he comes home ? Do you say 'hi darling how was your day '? Do you cook together , eat together ? Sleep together... ???

Are you not boiling to say ' you utter bastard I know what you are doing !!'

Really OP ... how on alerts are you managing this day to day ?

By thinking about the present only. We are barely speaking it's bloody awful but speak to my Mum daily which is helping.
OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2022 19:03

You're making a wise decision. And I agree, 'go stealth' until you have a new place and a plan for moving your things.

BFF had to do a 'midday flit' and we managed to move 2 bedrooms, half a living room, a bathroom, and 3/4 kitchen's worth of furniture along with assorted goods in 4 hours with 3 teenagers, me, 2 cars and a pick up truck. And that was starting from scratch!! We only used boxes for breakables with the rest shoved in plastic bin bags, carryalls, pillowcases, and thrown loose into back seats. Her new little place was a holy mess for a week since it was 'dump a load and run back for more' to get her out ASAP. But she was so happy to be gone that getting her new place out of chaos was a joy.

As far as 'never going to get close to anyone ever again'. Listen, never say never. Say "Not until I have my head together and can make a calm, rational decision". You may very well decide that 'couple-dom' isn't something you want to deal with. And that's fine. Just don't slam the door shut completely, or rather go ahead and slam it for now, but until you've had time, space, and possibly counseling to figure yourself out don't lock it and throw away the key.

Lisheen21 · 03/02/2022 21:24

I'm sorry you're going through all of this, he has a lot to answer for 🤬

How old is your husband? From what I'm picking up, his mother seems to heavily involved in his life? How old is the other woman?

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 03/02/2022 22:07

@curledupinaball

Never will i get this close to anybody ever again!
You feel this now, but your heart will heal. Don't let him be the reason you never allow yourself to be lost in love one day. I met my now husband six months after my breakup. I'd had horrid thoughts and wanted to end it all. Now looking back, I can't believe I wasted the tears I did on my ex. He's slowly slipping into being history and the future will be bright. Don't lose hope.
Original poster
curledupinaball · 03/02/2022 23:25

@Lisheen21

I'm sorry you're going through all of this, he has a lot to answer for 🤬

How old is your husband? From what I'm picking up, his mother seems to heavily involved in his life? How old is the other woman?

He's 48 oW is in her 30's
OP posts:
Philly1234 · 03/02/2022 23:51

“He's 48 oW is in her 30's”

Classic mid life crisis behaviour. It makes me cringe. So sorry op xx

Original poster
curledupinaball · 04/02/2022 06:59

@Philly1234

“He's 48 oW is in her 30's”

Classic mid life crisis behaviour. It makes me cringe. So sorry op xx

Isn't it just!!!
OP posts:
ButterflyOfShay · 04/02/2022 07:11

So horrendous for you. What a piece of shit he is Flowers

LetsGoParty · 04/02/2022 09:33

What an awful situation OP. Hope you find somewhere else to live soon.

Lisheen21 · 04/02/2022 09:38

"He's 48 oW is in her 30's"

Typical, sniffing around the young ones. Always thinking the grass will be greener, he'll realize in time that it's not. As for the OW I hope she understands "if he does it with you, he'll do it to you" she'll always be on edge with him. His behavior speaks volumes about the kind of man he is, you can see that now and I have no doubt in time she will too.. keep the chin up Curledupinaball, things will get better for you x

SocialConnection · 04/02/2022 10:50

The man who marries the mistress creates a vacancy.

She'll be wanting a baby, which he'll find a challenge at his age.

Home life won't be what he thought it would be with her.

And off he'll go again.

Enabled by mummy.

How's the planning & packing going?