Husband suddenly changed

[curledupinaball]

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

You leaving & taking the dogs doesn't make it easier for him - it makes it easier for you even though you have all the emotional pain at the moment.

Leaving will surprise him - he thinks he knows you - he thinks he knows how to manipulate you but he doesn't.

Remember pain is temporary.

There's a book called 'If it hurts it isn't love' which might be helpful.

The moment he put that lock on his phone is when you should have walked OP. You deserve better and walking might make him realise it if nothing was going on. If it was/is you're well rid of him and one step closer to meeting someone who does deserve you.

Walk.

No kids and no financial ties to property; you can leave now with minimum collateral damage and make a new start.

@curledupinaball

No kids

No kids? Why on earth hang around just leave him Even if I had kids I wouldn't stand for this Serve the divorce papers

Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault.

In this situation I wouldn’t put my energy into finding out if there’s an OW.
He’s treated you badly and told you he doesn’t want to be with you.
It doesn’t matter if he’s cheated on you or not because he will eventually so don’t let him get in your head.

Is there room to move back to your parents whilst you find somewhere else?

The minute, literally the minute I rumbled my exes affair, he turned on me. Hissed that he didn't trust me, that he'd been unhappy for ages etc etc etc. In the first 24 hours when I was pretty winded from shock and having a brief lie down he came and heckled me that I was neglecting the kids. Just to say, it is textbook guilt turned blame. You are in a relatively fortunate position financially and have few ties. Just go. Speak to a solicitor ASAP about protecting that ISA and start proceedings. Above all remember it is NOT up to him. He doesn't have all the answers or get to make the decisions. Good luck.

This same thing happened to me about 10 years ago. It was him basically having some kind of break down. Apparently very common. We separated (completely with no contact whatsoever) for a while, went to marriage counselling when we were both ready to and it did work out in the end (summing it up like that makes it sound less bad than it was - it was absolutely hellish at the time and he was a right bastard at the start). It took a long time though and a lot of reflection and soul searching on his part, and mine tbf. He was like a different person when he came through it and still is.

This is nothing to do with you and I suspect in a lot of ways nothing to do with OW but is a symptom of what’s going on with him. People lash out at those closest to them.

So sorry you are going through this. Stay strong and take care of yourself. And a piece of advice which served me well- even when it’s really hard you have to keep your shit together in front of him. Don’t go crazy screaming and shouting, don’t get drunk and text him etc because he will take any excuse to paint you as the bad person. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

All too common situation OP. I’m sorry you are going through this. I would just say you want to split as you feel he’s checked out of the marriage and you don't want to stay with someone who clearly no longer wants to be with you. Easier without kids as it can be a clean break, but still hard I know. So many men behave like dicks.

He sounds like such a moral coward - and a prize dickhead. It’s tough, but better to have found out now what a shit you are married to than in years’ time. Definitely tell the OW about the poem - no point in her thinking he’s the sensitive sort with a poetic bent! Good luck, op.

@NickiMinajerie

That poem is a weird thing to give to a new relationship - given it is talking about relationships built over time. How long has he known her?

6 months

I know it's hard, but the poem thing should not be your concern right now. I understand why it's probably one of the most painful things, but now you need to focus on getting you stuff together, talking to your Mum, sorting out finances. If he's at work tomorrow consider taking the day off so you can find and copy all financial records.

The fact that you have no children, lease from his family, and have a supportive parent is great. It's going to make everything much easier. Don't stay in a situation where you are being made miserable. He wants to push you out. Let him. But make sure you have everything you need first. Then just leave when you're ready. Don't let him know, he might decide to be a prick and insist on keeping the dogs.

I’d want to let the ow know, incase she doesn’t know about you. That way she can have a lucky escape and he can be left with nothing

Take ‘you’ out of this. If you were your best friend what would you tell her.

And now the realistic mn advice - He’s a dick op, he’s gaslighting you and having an emotional relationship (at the least). Summons your inner strength and resolve and spin this situation on its head. Ask him to leave immediately. Contact his parents and explain you’ll be out of their property once you have found a suitable alternative. You’d like 3 months as per agreement (or however many the agreement states). Tell them you found out he was using their address (don’t accuse or say you’re disappointed they may not know and you want them inside). And then hold you head high and walk away.

He doesn’t get to look innocent if you leave but you look dignified for not trying to hold onto something that isn’t fully yours. He doesn’t deserve your time and effort. He may not value you but please YOU value YOU.

I often wonder if I’d be so black and white if this were me and I can’t say I could be. But I’d like to think I would be. Two different things I know @curledupinaball so i wholeheartedly send you love and strength

This is absolutely revolting but you know that don't you? This has gone way past the point where you can save it.

You have to harden yourself as much as you can now and focus on the practicalities. Also the positives. Remember a) you don't have kids b) you have your own money. You're actually in a remarkably strong position.

You're going to go through a painful time but this is absolutely the right thing to do. There's no way back from this and you are worth so so much more.

He's been caught out - I'd start making other plans, tbh

@curledupinaball

I have 30k of my own money. We also have 2 dogs who i want with me. Really struggling

I know it doesn't feel like it but you are in an amazing position to leave and start the life you deserve. You could rent somewhere nice for yourself tomorrow with that level of savings and a job. Many women leave with children and no money. You can do it. Everytime you need a cry , have one ; then put on the kettle , have a cup of tea , take a deep breath and take another step.

@curledupinaball

There is a joint lease

I doubt he or they would dare to take you to court to enforce that. If they did you simply explain why you left.

The poem is a huge betrayal but also really inappropriate for a fling. The essence of thing is about solidity, longevity and bearing up under pressure - he doesn't even understand what he has sent. What a fucking cock.

What has happened to you is awful. He is gaslighting you and making you the enemy as this is the only way he can reconcile what he is doing to himself. He is definitely pushing you to leave. BUT you have much in your favour as others have mentioned.

Leave a broken scaffold clip on the kitchen table and clean out every single thing that matters to you including your dogs. He doesn't deserve one more minute of you.

Leave the pleb.

You haven't been married long enough or had kids, so has no claim your 30K.

Another vote to get your ducks in the row ASAP.
The poem thing is especially grim and tacky by him

Him changing so quickly, so suddenly makes me think of my ex husband. We got married in the June after being together years, by the August he clearly thought l was an idiot and nothing l said was right. We limped on until being married 18 months. We got divorced in the December and married a family friend on the following August bank holiday weekend. I’m sure they were seeing each other before we split up and lm fairly sure they got engaged while we were still married

Re the rental, providing the initial fixed term has ended, a joint tenancy can be ended by one party so just give them notice in accordance with the agreement, when you leave. It will end your liability and be left to your husband and his parents to issue a new agreement in his sole name, if that's what they decide they want to do.

@curledupinaball

His parents own our house which we rent off them! Another complication

I don't see that as a complication.

You can get somewhere else to rent and just leave.

There's no way you can stay with this man. He certainly isn't the man you married by the sounds of it. Don't torture yourself by finding out every detail of what he's up to. Leave with your head held high

!!!Sod him!
Definitely plan a day to leave - squirrrl away as much stuff as you can without him knowing to a friends to make packing easier then arrange fir a removal van and let him come back from work to find you gone. Empty the fridge and the bank account. Text the other woman about the poem - make sure that she knows it was your choice at your wedding - she won’t like that.
Then when your out, call his parents and tell them.
Personally I would put tuna fish under all the carpets and cut the legs off if his suits but you may be nicer that I am.
Don’t make it easy gif him, take control.

I'm sorry op, what a piece of shit he is.

Turning the tables and blaming you.

Grey rock him now, you won't get any sense from him anyway. All domesticity ends and bed sharing etc.

He's a liar and not a pleasant person gaslighting you.

Make arrangements for a different life, you don't need this lying person in your life anymore.