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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband suddenly changed

385 replies

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:30

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

OP posts:
Imissmoominmama · 16/01/2022 14:20

Would he be entitled to half of your money if you split up? My friend had to give her wife half of the £34,000 she’d inherited from her grandfather, even though it was the wife who’d cheated and left. I couldn’t believe the law allowed it- they didn’t have children either.

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 14:20

@Reusablebags

So do you think he gave her a framed copy of your wedding poem?
Yes he ordered ii framed and even sent a chasing email to ensure it arrived before term finished.
OP posts:
trickytimes · 16/01/2022 14:21

Go see a solicitor before saying anything more. He’s cheating on you. Does this OW know he’s married?

SailingNotSurfing · 16/01/2022 14:40

Go, and go now. Leave him to his pathetic office romance. You deserve so much better.

Butchyrestingface · 16/01/2022 14:42

@curledupinaball

His parents own our house which we rent off them! Another complication
Surely that makes it easier? The dogs would be the complicating factor for me.
EerieSilence · 16/01/2022 14:42

What a nasty fecker. You're right to leave. Make sure you've got everything documented, photographed and then leave. Let his parents know too.

OhamIreally · 16/01/2022 14:44

@Imissmoominmama

Would he be entitled to half of your money if you split up? My friend had to give her wife half of the £34,000 she’d inherited from her grandfather, even though it was the wife who’d cheated and left. I couldn’t believe the law allowed it- they didn’t have children either.
It's quite a short marriage so she may not have to.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

KissedintheDark · 16/01/2022 14:46

In your shoes with no shared assets I wouldn't waste money on a divorce solicitor. It's easy to do your own divorce. Just download the forms that are online and in a few months you could be free of all ties to him. Include in the reasons for the divorce, 'an inappropriate relationship with another woman.' For support there's www.wikivorce.com
Good luck op. Flowers

NewtoHolland · 16/01/2022 14:46

I'm wondering a bit why you are stalling?
I feel like you probably do not need the rental agreement, that's his mess to sort with his parents, who should not be holding you to the account for him blatantly having an affair.

You have money to leave and start again,
The dogs bit is hard, but some people share custody of dogs if that is something you want to do?

He's disregarded you so completely by using a poem you specifically had for your wedding for her.

What on earth is keeping you there?

NewtoHolland · 16/01/2022 14:49

Also I don't see how he saves face if you walk.. you walk because he's had a horrible seedy little arrangement going on.
Not having a mortgage and having a decent amount of money puts you in a really good position to leave.

FlyingOink · 16/01/2022 14:53

I have a job, my own car and my Mum would always have my dogs if needs be, I wouldn't ever leave them

Sounds pretty straightforward then. Best of luck.

Gymrats · 16/01/2022 15:04

I wouldn’t care your not supposed to know about the poem, I would make it clear to him I did know and it cuts deep to the bone to stoop as so low as that.

I’d leave, there’s no going back, I’d HATE him for that.

Muthalucka · 16/01/2022 15:05

We had that poem too at our wedding op @curledupinaball I’d be devastated if my husband gave it to someone else.

fuckoffImcounting · 16/01/2022 15:07

He such a low life arse hole. Make sure everyone knows about the poem, especially his parents, and it would not hurt if the OW knew as well - give her a heads up about the tosser she is taking from you.

bembridge11 · 16/01/2022 15:09

LTB
He is having an affair

Ancientdreams · 16/01/2022 15:12

The poem is shocking and I also would tell her.

TellMeMrSiegal · 16/01/2022 15:21

You know what you need to do and thank god you’ve got the means to do it. It’s going to be tough for a while but you know there’s no going back now, so gather your strength because there’s a good life waiting for you.

The poem is an absolute dealbreaker. What a cock. Once I had myself sorted I don’t think I’d be able to resist letting OW know it was not a loving, thoughtful or romantic gift on his part but a recycled gift from you. For her own sake, so she can see who he really is.

4BargainBasement · 16/01/2022 15:23

Absolutely no reason to stay
You have the money & a place to stay
Go, go go

Beautiful3 · 16/01/2022 15:35

You don't have children together so I would advise you to leave. Just go, there's nothing trapping you at all.

Lovemusic33 · 16/01/2022 15:51

He’s having an affair, your gut is right and he’s trying to make you feel like your being silly because of your past, trying to make out you have trust issue. You should trust your gut because it’s right, he’s cheating.

There’s nothing stopping you from leaving, you deserve better.

NickiMinajerie · 16/01/2022 16:05

That poem is a weird thing to give to a new relationship - given it is talking about relationships built over time. How long has he known her?

knark · 16/01/2022 16:10

I'm wondering a bit why you are stalling?

What?? It's been less than 24 hours. This is someone's life. She needs support, not heckling.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/01/2022 16:16

When this happens it is tempting to rush into things. But for now, go 'stealth'. I'm not saying not to leave him, definitely do that! But choose your time wisely. You have assets, at least the £35k. You need to make smart decisions. It doesn't matter if you've been married 3 or 30 years. Anyone with assets of any kind needs to seek legal advice before leaving. He may be 'nice' and let you go easily and keep what you have, or he may be a jerk who will try to make your life miserable and take from you. And make no mistake, ofttimes cheaters turn vindictive. Guilt over their betrayal rarely plays into their emotions, sometimes quite the opposite. He's already put the blame entirely on you because he cannot face up to and take responsibility for his actions. How long before he convinces himself that 'you owe him' for 'making him cheat'?

Make your plans by all means. Call your mum and let her know what's up. Set up a 'contingency' plan with her in case you need or want to leave suddenly. I'm hoping and praying she lives a 'commutable' distance from your work.

Get a few day's worth of clothing and all important papers over to hers, or to a secure location. Do a quiet inventory to decide what you definitely want to keep and what you are willing to give up/bargain with.

Find a new place to live, don't assume that his parents will allow you to stay out of guilt that their son cheated on you. Hopefully his parents will be willing to take you off the lease once you have explained the situation. As far as what they may know or not know, take nothing for granted. Have you noticed them 'pulling back' or felt a 'coldness' from them?

If you have joint finances, keep an eye on them for now. Open a separate account for yourself, but do not shut down joint finances until you have spoken to a solicitor OR unless you see that he is moving money around himself.

All this may sound a bit 'mercenary', but right now you need to be all about protecting yourself.

ItsDisneyBitch · 16/01/2022 16:24

The parents will protect their son. I’ve been there.

So you need to protect yourself.

Mulhollandmagoo · 16/01/2022 16:24

Are you WFH at the min? Could you and the dogs go to your mums in the short term? If you have no kids and no shared assets it should be relatively straight forward!

He sounds like an absolute pig! Tell him calmly that you know he's a cheat and a liar and you're leaving, and you'll be telling the truth to anyone who asks.