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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband suddenly changed

385 replies

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 10:30

Name changed for this. We have been married for 3 years perfect marriage until November when DH appeared to suddenly change.
He kept contacting a female colleague on Whatsapp messaging at all hours all uneventful crap. Near to Christmas I found out he had bought a calligraphy copy of our Wedding poem which I never received and scissors and sellotape were hidden in his car.
We went on holiday at xmas and I was gutted to read a message from her saying she missed him. I challenged him over this and we had a huge falling out with him saying I shouldn't read his phone. He then put a lock on his phone. He was really brutal towards me at the time saying i'd changed etc.
Fast forward to last night he snapped at me and said he didn't want to be with me and it's all my fault. I explained he needed to be honest about OW he again denied anything was going on.
I have been cheated on before and he knows it would break me. He's trying to make me walk isn't he so he can maintain face.
What should I do?

OP posts:

MintMatchmaker · 16/01/2022 12:48

I would send her a message saying

“That was our wedding poem but I hope you enjoyed it 🤣. You’re welcome to him”

Sayitisnotso · 16/01/2022 12:50

What an absolute jackass, you poor thing !! You deserve so much more than this horrible excuse for a man, do not be afraid of telling all his family, your family friends etc about what he has done... shame him for it! What a dick, I’m so angry on your behalf. You’ve got his, as awful as it is now please realised the future will be better without him xxxxx

Dumbitdown · 16/01/2022 12:51

Take the dogs. Put your foot down about that early and start looking for a rental for yourself that will accept them. He'll be keeping the house you're in now and probably installing the ow soon enough whilst you'll be taking a broken heart with you. You deserve them a lot more than he does.

godmum56 · 16/01/2022 12:53

I don't think he's changed, I think you have found out who he really is.

CagneyNYPD1 · 16/01/2022 12:56

You've got your own money. You don't have kids with him. You are in the perfect position to walk away, head held high.

I have read some awful things on MN over the years. But to use your wedding poem to woo OW is just plain cruel.

Start being practical. Collect up any paperwork regarding the marriage, savings etc. Be careful wrt to your own savings. Did you have that before the marriage or have you built it up during the marriage? If it is the latter, he could make a claim on that.

So before you do anything, get legal advice. Hold off on the dramatics with the poem and the OW. Once you have got all the legal/financial stuff sorted.... Let rip about the poem.

GrandmasCat · 16/01/2022 12:57

Whatever you do, remember

you don’t need further proof that he is cheating, he has already admitted to it.
you don’t need to tell his parents, they cannot and should not be asked to control his behaviour, they will side with him anyways once you are gone.
It is their house, move quickly to find another home. What joy would it be to fight to keep the lease to have his parents as landlords?
if I were you, I would give him the silent treatment, move out and leave the keys on the kitchen table. That will show him you are not to be messed with and let you walk out with your head high
If somebody asks you why you left, just say that he was cheating. People will totally understand and side with you.

Best of luck.

GrandmasCat · 16/01/2022 12:59

Oh yes, photocopy all paperwork in case he decides to lie when he fills his separation of assets forms.

Original poster

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 13:00

The money is mine through a NDA with a previous employer it is in my own ISA

OP posts:

grapewine · 16/01/2022 13:00

The wedding poem thing made my draw drop. Absolute wanker. That's disgusting. Take your money and tell his parents why you're breaking the lease (if there is one). If there isn't then just leave with the dogs. He owes you those dogs along with anything else you get in the settlement.

Original poster

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 13:01

There is a joint lease

OP posts:

Original poster

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 13:04

I also paid for the dogs

OP posts:

Esspee · 16/01/2022 13:06

How lucky you discovered what a shit he is before you had children with him.
Pack your bags, tell his parents, and leave. The sooner the better.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/01/2022 13:06

Stop sitting around like a doormat. Time to get angry and get out. Better days are ahead, especially without this cheating fuckwit.

grapewine · 16/01/2022 13:07

Definitely go with your dogs then. I mean, I wouldn't be able to look at him. I can't believe he used the poem. What a twat.

RegardingMary · 16/01/2022 13:08

Don't go immediately, once you do I don't think he'll make the house available for you to enter again.

Can you hire a van and either take all your stuff to your mums or put it it storage ond day when he's at work. I'd also be taking both dogs with me.

whymewhyme · 16/01/2022 13:08

Pack your bags, get your dogs and go to your mums! Your financially stable, get yourself a mortgage and live a full and happy life without that cunt.

RegardingMary · 16/01/2022 13:08

Do it when he's at work, keep schtum till then and then just go.

isthismylifenow · 16/01/2022 13:14

I would not be able to forgive him for giving your poem to her.

It's as bad (if not worse) than my ex taking his ow to my favorite holiday destination, and even staying in the same accommodation that I chose.

Take the dogs and be off.

Leave him a note written on the back of the poem. Bastard!

Original poster

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 13:17

@isthismylifenow

I would not be able to forgive him for giving your poem to her.

It's as bad (if not worse) than my ex taking his ow to my favorite holiday destination, and even staying in the same accommodation that I chose.

Take the dogs and be off.

Leave him a note written on the back of the poem. Bastard!

I hadn't realised until I read the responses on here what an absolute shitty thing the poem really is.

OP posts:

headspin10 · 16/01/2022 13:18

You deserve SO much better than this. Soon he'll be homeless if it's your parents house. Good. He might be caught up in the early stages of something but in time every relationship becomes normal 'same shit, different house'.

You are absolutely better off without him. I'm so glad you haven't got kids with him. I would end it right now - easier said than done, I know, but you'll look back in future and see what a narrow escape you've had.

Really feel for you and angry on your behalf. Sending

KO81 · 16/01/2022 13:19

OP. I’m so sorry. I hope you can take your dogs and your nest egg and get the fuck away from that nasty piece of shit you’re married to.

His gaslighting you that you’ve changed and it’s your fault is textbook cheater. I’m sorry.

Original poster

curledupinaball · 16/01/2022 13:21

@KO81

OP. I’m so sorry. I hope you can take your dogs and your nest egg and get the fuck away from that nasty piece of shit you’re married to.

His gaslighting you that you’ve changed and it’s your fault is textbook cheater. I’m sorry.

How cruel though rather than be honest to turn the tables on me in the hope that I walk to make it easier for him.

OP posts:

grapewine · 16/01/2022 13:23

Yeah. He is cruel. Keep that in mind and find your anger properly. I bet he will be an absolute shit in the divorce. Don't let him turn this on you.

KO81 · 16/01/2022 13:24

How cruel though rather than be honest to turn the tables on me in the hope that I walk to make it easier for him.

Unbelievably cruel. He seems to have abandoned any loyalty to you, hence giving her a copy of your wedding poem. I’d go so far as to say that’s actually sickening behaviour.

I expect he’s already physically cheating with her. He’s certainly emotionally invested.

Pick up the pieces of your heart, he doesn’t deserve even a crumb of them, take your lovely dogs and leave him. As his parents own your house, is there anyone you can go to until you can get on your feet again?

KO81 · 16/01/2022 13:25

I agree with finding your anger and annihilating him in the divorce. He will fight like a cornered rat to blame you, but hold your head high.

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