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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped with no explanation

183 replies

starylight · 10/01/2022 09:21

My boyfriend of 4.5 years finished with me completely out of the blue this weekend. No explanation, I simply got a text message saying not to contact him anymore and then he changed his FB status to single immediately. There's children on both sides (we have none together) who will be so upset. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick!

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 10/01/2022 09:27

Do you know any of his family or friends? If this happened to me I'd be worried he'd had some sort of mental health crisis. Ask his family or friends if he's ok.

supercali77 · 10/01/2022 09:32

Id say - another woman. That is also utterly despicable behaviour especially where children are involved.

There were no signs at all? Was he any more private with his phone? Any unexplained absences? On the one hand I'd say...what does it matter, he's shown his true colours and actually better to know now than a further 4 years down the line. On the other I know you must be feeling driven mad with no explanation.

Badbaddog · 10/01/2022 09:32

Wow that is so harsh! Did you reply?

HacerSonarSusPasos · 10/01/2022 09:36

Either there is another woman or something or someone has convienced him that you are cheating. Sounds plausible?

Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 09:37

I've not replied to him.

We spent just about every evening together, he wasn't private with his phone, he'd just bought us tickets for an event at the end of this month.. Then all of a sudden this!

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 10/01/2022 09:42

I don’t think he thinks the ops cheating I think that’s quite far fetched and after nearly 5 years together he would want an explanation I would say there’s another woman

LondonWolf · 10/01/2022 09:43

I think after 4.5 years you deserve more of an explanation. I assume you have possessions at each other’s homes? What’s going to happen to those?

Badbaddog · 10/01/2022 09:49

Well done for not replying. What a rude and hurtful way to behave, unfortunately I think you are well rid. Your silence will drive him crazy!

supercali77 · 10/01/2022 09:54

Thats utterly bizarre, but yes... to me seems indicative of someone else. Heartless and callous behaviour. Since you haven't replied so far, as hard as it is and as much as you want and deserve an explanation- I'd seriously not give him the satisfaction of going looking for some basic decency, he clearly isn't capable of it. He'll be expecting you to say something. Retain your dignity.

HaggisBurger · 10/01/2022 09:54

Maybe he’s been told something (false) and awful about you @starylight. That’s very bizarre and veer hurtful. I’m sorry.

FortunesFave · 10/01/2022 10:00

I think it seems more indicative of a mental health crisis than anything else.

Has he got a history of depression or anything OP?

Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 10:07

No history of depression.

He could be quite cold on occasion so I don't know why I'm surprised he's done it this way. It doesn't make it any easier though 😞

OP posts:
Crumbs22 · 10/01/2022 10:08

This is terrible and I am so sorry you are going through this. It's just extreme so I would not respond or have any contact (unless he has belongings to remove from your house?) and to take it all at face value, awful as it is. Please focus your time and effort on yourself and your children. Depending on their ages, it would be best to tell them more or less the truth if possible and definitely NOT make excuses for him.

Yes of course you deserve much more respect and treatment than this but then there is no reason to show him any either so I would basically treat him as if he were dead and move on as well as you can.

Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 10:15

Yes we do have belongings at each other's houses.

I've got one teen who I don't think will be too upset but I have a 6 year old who considered him as his best friend. He's going to be heartbroken!

OP posts:
ElectraBlue · 10/01/2022 10:16

I think he does owe you an explanation after that amount of time together and since you have been so closely involved in each other's lives and you were interacting with each other's kids.

Don't reply in writing. I would pick up the phone (if he does not reply leave a voicemail) and calmly say that you have received his message and you are surprised by his decision but that you will respect it no matter what. But that you really want to have a reason for this abrupt end.

Him doing this is cowardly after a fair amount of time together but also it leaves wondering if you could have done something wrong, if he is going through a crisis (people with mental health issues sometimes relapse abruptly) or if something else really drastic has happened to him which is only adding to the confusion of the break-up itself.

Even if he simply has fallen out of love, he needs to tell you that. Hard as it might be to hear.

Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 10:37

I'm fairly sure I won't get any kind of explanation, talking was never his strong point. He was so rude to my youngest last week, I should probably have seen this coming to be honest.

OP posts:
Abbo552 · 10/01/2022 10:44

Certainly sounds like the cowardly way out with no explanation after 4 years

But to be fair posters are always advised that they can end a relationship for any reason they want, and he has done that ( rather rudely)

Pleaseaddcaffine · 10/01/2022 10:49

My ex did this after 3 years and being engaged. Still no reason given. I hate him for that, I need to know why. You will honestly be okay but it's disgusting when you ahve kids on both sides.
You need closure. Get his stuff out of your house dump it at his and get stuff back of yours.
Only thing I can say is could it have been his kids or so one not him on his phone?

IncompleteSenten · 10/01/2022 10:54

What a twat.

It's a good thing though, given what you say about how he treated your child.

No man should get a second chance to treat a child like shit.

UserBot989 · 10/01/2022 10:59

Wow, what a coward.

Well, despite your shock, you'll get over this in time as hard as it is right now.

He'll always have to live with the fact that he was too cowardly to have one awkward conversation and had to end the relationship with a text. AND an instruction to never contact him again!

I'd take him at his word if it kills you. Do not contact him again.

There was a thread on here a while ago, running in the rain was the poster I think. And she was dumped by text after a year with the comment ''no need to reply'' so she didn't.

He got back to her eventually. She got her answers eventually but only by NOT contacting him.

Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 10:59

I supported him through his child having a life threatening disease last year (thankfully they have recovered and hopefully it stays that way). And yet I still don't get the courtesy of an explanation or even it being done in person!

OP posts:
Prettybubblesintheair · 10/01/2022 11:04

I’m so sorry op, that is just an awful thing to do to someone after almost 5 years. I know it hurts like hell now but to be honest he doesn’t sound like a catch; rude to your child, cold and I’m sure there’s other things. You’re best off without him.

I hope you and your dc are ok Flowers

trickytimes · 10/01/2022 11:04

Dump his stuff on his doorstop with no explanation and no notice. Don’t speak to him again. He’s nasty. My ex did this after 5 years being together. I never spoke to him about it or him again. In the week before he’d changed. Got rude and nasty. I heard on the grapevine months later that he’d been seeing someone else for about a year during our relationship. I’d had no idea. I think this has probably happened to you. Block him on Facebook. You don’t want him back anyway so no point in chasing.

trickytimes · 10/01/2022 11:06

@UserBot989 I remember that thread. Did she ever speak to him or did she continue to ignore? I thought she was amazing

UserBot989 · 10/01/2022 11:09

I think he came back to her after about 3 weeks, not sure, but after imperiously telling her "no need to respond" he then wanted to tell her hoe disappointed he was in her that she hadnt fought harder to hold on to him and how he knew he'd done the right thing. But he wanted to meet up if i recall, to give her back possessions she assured him she could do without.

I looked for that thread for this op but couldnt find it :-/