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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped with no explanation

183 replies

starylight · 10/01/2022 09:21

My boyfriend of 4.5 years finished with me completely out of the blue this weekend. No explanation, I simply got a text message saying not to contact him anymore and then he changed his FB status to single immediately. There's children on both sides (we have none together) who will be so upset. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick!

OP posts:
gelatodipistacchio · 10/01/2022 11:11

Horrible! What a jerk

UserBot989 · 10/01/2022 11:11

@starylight

I supported him through his child having a life threatening disease last year (thankfully they have recovered and hopefully it stays that way). And yet I still don't get the courtesy of an explanation or even it being done in person!
It's so immature. Failing to understand that one v difficult conversation brings more peace in the long term than avoiding the essential conversation with a cowardly text
dottiedodah · 10/01/2022 11:58

He sounds rude, immature ,and nasty. I think if he has been cold to you recently . The very fact that you supported him and his child last year speaks volumes .Now the child is well (thankfully) You are no longer needed by him ,he will probably feel that he "owes" you. and instead of being grateful you are being ditched! without any explanation .I would let him go TBH

Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 14:21

I think what's probably the hardest is not knowing why he's done it and I probably will never know. Hard to know what to say to my youngest, he was his favourite person!

OP posts:
TellMeItsPossible · 10/01/2022 14:30

@starylight

I think what's probably the hardest is not knowing why he's done it and I probably will never know. Hard to know what to say to my youngest, he was his favourite person!
If it was me, I would consider saying that you spoke to him about how rude he was and that it was unacceptable, etc. There is an opportunity here to show good boundaries to your dc about how other adults treat them.
bjrce · 10/01/2022 14:34

"I think what's probably the hardest is not knowing why he's done it and I probably will never know."

But, you do know why he did it! He did it that way because he's a selfish, cold, emotionally retarded arsehole!

Who didn't have the guts to have the decency to say it to your face!

I would completely ignore him! I would not attempt to give him his stuff back!

Guarantee he will be back in contact at some point with some bull shit story to justify his cowardly actions!

Don't worry about your child, she will be fine. He's shown you who he is! Be grateful you weren't married to him!

girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 14:36

Donate his shit to charity. What a knob.

Badbaddog · 10/01/2022 14:55

Just tell your youngest he’s had to go away. Which is true - he’s gone to Shitsville, from whence he came.

Stay strong OP 💐

Abbo552 · 10/01/2022 14:57

Donate his shit to charity. What a knob.

He may be be a knob, but don’t do this, it makes you look petulant and childish, just be the better person gather up his stuff and put it outside in bin bags or whatever and tell him to collect on xx date, put the stuff outside and go out for the day

strawberrymilk7 · 10/01/2022 15:10

I would be really upset and confused. What a selfish cowardly thing to do. I would ask him for further explanation, knowing full well you may not get it. But what a pri£k

Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 15:11

I'm torn between texting him to finding out what his reasons were and not texting him to keep my dignity. I don't reckon I'd get a reply though anyway.

OP posts:
Ohisitreally · 10/01/2022 15:20

TBH I think you should contact him .Not contacting him really does let the coward off the hook and an acceptable way of behaving in his eyes.
I hope you are OK and a six year old will bounce back very quickly. Flowers

HaggisBurger · 10/01/2022 15:26

@starylight - there was some conflict in the relationship though wasn’t there (just what you said about him being awful to your youngest). It’s not like you were all blissfully happy (not suggesting for a second he was right to act as he had of course). But do you think it was just normal levels of “life” stuff?

Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 15:35

@HaggisBurger He was rude to my youngest last week but that's the only time he's ever been like that with him. I pulled him up on it and then 2 days later this happens.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 10/01/2022 15:37

He's probably just trying to hide something from you that embarrasses him

Other woman

awful diagnosis

Caught shoplifting. Or cottaging.

STD

Charged with drink driving/ drug offence

Thrown out by landlord

sacked by employer

         I would just send a  calm reply saying  " Sorry it's ended,  I enjoyed it while it lasted and hope we'll remember each other as friends.
        Could you let me know please what brought this on?  Just so that I don't worry you're in trouble.
Sonaftersonafterson · 10/01/2022 15:50

I would absolutely reply. Silence in this instance is not "winning", its letting him get away with shit behaviour with no comeuppance. I'd reply and say I was baffled but respect his decision, tell him to take care and then leave it. A calm, measured, but baffled response. He sounds angry! Maybe someone has lied about you?

strawberrymilk7 · 10/01/2022 15:56

@2bazookas what is cottaging? I'm afraid to google it Grin

Wreath21 · 10/01/2022 16:00

It's not 'out of the blue', though, is it. He was cold, he was rude to your child, he didn't talk to you much. Sounds like you're well rid. Your DC will get over it and so will you.
You might want to text or email him to arrange handing over your belongings - do you have a friend or relative who might deal with the actual handover for you?

Wreath21 · 10/01/2022 16:03

Also, tbh, anyone and everyone has the right to end a relationship without giving an explanation. The only thing you 'owe' someone you have decided to dump is fairness about sorting out any financial issues/contact with any shared DC, and to return any of their belongings that are at your home.

KatherineJaneway · 10/01/2022 16:21

I'd reply to say you want your stuff though.

After 4.5 years he does owe you an explanation as far as I am concerned, if he was a decent person that is.

CustardCreamsAndMintTea · 10/01/2022 16:41

I would message him. Something like "I'm surprised to hear this. I hope you're ok, and if this is a health thing or anything serious, please do talk to me. If you're ending it for some other reason, its not normal behaviour and you might want to think what kind of person dumps their partner after 4.5 years by sms"

Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 16:52

It's definitely not a mental health issue. He's just an arsehole!

OP posts:
Lordamighty · 10/01/2022 17:07

Hard as it must be I wouldn’t contact him. If he wanted to give you an explanation he would have done it straight away. He probably wants you to get in touch to ask why, don’t give him the satisfaction.

Ddaydday · 10/01/2022 17:07

Op I pulled my x up on something minor a few weeks ago. He basically sulked. Apart from him coming to get his stuff (asked my me as wasn’t having his man baby behaviour anymore) I will never hear from him again..5 years and they think it’s acceptable to behave like this?!
I’m so sorry, I know how tough it is.

SituationCritical · 10/01/2022 17:10

The only way I'd dignify that with an answer is if I had anything at his house I wanted back. Otherwise I'd pack his stuff in a box, stick it in a cupboard and give it a few months before binning it. The nasty behaviour to your youngest would have made me bin him anyway. Only a massive twat is nasty to a 6 year old. Sounds like it's a blessing in disguise Flowers

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