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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped with no explanation

183 replies

starylight · 10/01/2022 09:21

My boyfriend of 4.5 years finished with me completely out of the blue this weekend. No explanation, I simply got a text message saying not to contact him anymore and then he changed his FB status to single immediately. There's children on both sides (we have none together) who will be so upset. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick!

OP posts:
litterbird · 11/01/2022 15:22

Exactly this happened to me too. 4 and half years together, kids both sides. Had things organised for the weekend, we were still sleeping together regularly, spoke often then 'boom'...got dumped overnight. No explanation what so ever. I was a mess. I chose never to contact him again. I was beside myself for a long time and it affected my daughter too as she saw him as her step father. I never ever have forgiven him. Turned out there was another woman. He then tried to contact me to come back to me 9 months later. This is a really hard thing to get through OP. You are going to be in shock trying to figure out what the hell has happened. Go through the process and never contact him again. You have got rid of his stuff which is great so keep the forward momentum going. Its hard, it hurts like hell but keep going .

Original poster
starylight · 11/01/2022 15:33

@litterbird How on Earth did you get through it? My son was 2 when I met Him so he's thought of him as a step dad too. They were incredibly close. It's such a struggle trying to deal with it myself along side helping my son as well.

OP posts:
litterbird · 11/01/2022 15:46

[quote starylight]@litterbird How on Earth did you get through it? My son was 2 when I met Him so he's thought of him as a step dad too. They were incredibly close. It's such a struggle trying to deal with it myself along side helping my son as well. [/quote]
It took me a long time. I went to a therapist to help with the intense feelings I had of abandonment. I just cried and screamed and dealt with the feelings like it was a sudden bereavement. There was some clues leading up to it....slightly distant, a little sarcastic with me but nothing to suggest another woman or he was leaving. Everyone around me was shocked. 4 weeks after he left I found out his OW and him had plastered all over her Facebook page that they were deeply in love. That sent me into a tail spin. One thing I knew I could not do was to contact him and I never did. I had to process everything. I kept going, I kept my head held high despite feeling like I was about to die inside, I kept faking it until a couple of years later I was healed. He desperately tried to return to me but I had no intention of setting eyes on him again. This was 7 years ago and have nothing but utter contempt for him and have found happiness. He regretted everything he did. It has changed me, I will never get close to a man as I did with him again and I will never trust anyone 100% again either. I am happy in my new relationship now but I will always keep something back of me. Thats the sad part of all of this.

AmyDudley · 11/01/2022 16:08

My husband left me in a similar way 7 years ago.
At first it seemed like a terrible cowardly way to behave - to just leave with no explanation and not allow you to have any kind of closure - and of course it is extremely cowardly you have to be a very feeble gutless kind of person to behave this way.
Then I realised that it is also a very calculatedly deliberately cruel way to treat someone - there is no way that someone would be unaware of the kind of terrible hurt and bewilderment this kind of leaving causes, yet they do it anyway. That indicates someone with a special kind of coldness who is no longer seeing you as a person worthy of being treated with respect and kindness.

While you are hurting terribly at the moment and wondering what on earth happened, remind yourself of his cruelty, ask yourself if you really want to spend your life with someone who is capable of treating another person like this.
I found the best way out of the despair I felt was to see my XH for what he really was and to get angry on my own behalf, it helped me realise that no one is worth allowing yourself to be treated so badly.

I would totally ignore his text - he's dying for you to answer so he can say a lot of nasty things about you and possible about your children. If you don;t want to hear that kind of crap, then don;t engage in any way. Put his stuff in a box and if he comes to collect it hand it over with no communication (Or preferably get someone else to drop it round to his place).

Original poster
starylight · 11/01/2022 18:08

@litterbird That's such a sad read, although great to hear that you've moved on and are happy with someone new. I guess the only way is to take it one day at time, although I'm not sure how I'm managing to work and look after DC the way I feel right now. One minute I'm upset and the next I'm so mad at him. Exhausting.

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 11/01/2022 21:38
  • it is extremely cowardly you have to be a very feeble gutless kind of person to behave this way. Then I realised that it is also a very calculatedly deliberately cruel way to treat someone - there is no way that someone would be unaware of the kind of terrible hurt and bewilderment this kind of leaving causes, yet they do it anyway. That indicates someone with a special kind of coldness *

Very good point @AmyDudley. It is shocking, bastard behaviour. Must be quite a relief in retrospect to know that he was so cold. What if he'd not shown his true colours and you'd stayed together? Living with somebody like that for many years, with the slow dawning realisation that something was not right, but not knowing what. Bullet well dodged.

Original poster
starylight · 11/01/2022 22:47

It's just awful people asking why he split up with me and I have to say I have no idea!

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 12/01/2022 08:21

@starylight

It's just awful people asking why he split up with me and I have to say I have no idea!
I'd be letting his friends and family know. They're unlikely to tell you right away, but it's laying the trail for answers, and closure, to come to you in future. Plus, he may be spinning them all kinds of bullshit. It's outrageous enough that he gets to tell you not to contact him; why should he control the narrative?
Honeyroar · 12/01/2022 08:41

Yes no need to protect him! Let everyone see how rude and weird he is!

2022newyrnewme · 12/01/2022 09:57

@starylight @DivorcedAndDelighted is right, letting family know his true colours may not be everyone’s agreed route but last night I did exactly that with my x’s sister. I do not know why they think they can get away with telling everyone something that isn’t truthful and put us through this. Let them see his true colours, it will help you move on a bit

lilikiki · 12/01/2022 10:21

I’m so sorry
I suspect he will return at some point in the future - full of stories about how he had to “think about what he really wanted and needed” etc etc
I’m sure he’ll assume you’ll be relieved and overjoyed to have him back, knowing he picked you and pretty much ready to give him a blowjob on demand. No.

What a prick.

Original poster
starylight · 12/01/2022 12:44

Without it sounding like I was being rude about Him I did tell his sister the way he ended things and it's safe to say she was shocked. She said she was sorry that her brother had hurt me. Which then started off the tears. I'll leave it to her to tell his mum, we were close but I don't really want to get in contact with her. Not yet anyway.

OP posts:
Winniemarysarah · 12/01/2022 19:18

How are you doing op?

Original poster
starylight · 12/01/2022 21:12

@Winniemarysarah Thanks for checking in 🙂 I was distracted at work today so it wasn't too bad but my son was asking for Him all evening. He was so sad. He doesn't seem to understand that he's not coming back!

OP posts:
Original poster
starylight · 26/01/2022 22:58

Nearly 3 weeks on and I haven't heard from him, no explanation or reason. Nothing. I never did text him in the end.

Tonight I was upstairs and when I came back down he'd put all of my belongings that were at his house through my cat flap. He parked round the corner so I wouldn't see his car.

And now I feel utterly crap again and back at square one. Why couldn't he just give it all to his sister like I did?!

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 26/01/2022 23:17

You’re so not back at square one. You’ve done so well. Been so dignified. He is consistent in his role as a heartless idiot - he did it again tonight. At least he didn’t knock! Just think that at least you’ve got your things back. You’re doing great.

How are your children?

SarahBellam · 26/01/2022 23:21

Through the cat flap? What a coward.

2Rebecca · 26/01/2022 23:54

Cowardly not seeing you but at least you don't have to trek to his sister's for it. Reasons are rarely useful when relationships end. The reason is always that the person doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more. Often it's hard to explain why you no longer fancy that person and it can feel cruel saying that so people make bland stuff up. I think separate houses for 4 years suggests you weren't getting closer.

WatieKatie · 27/01/2022 00:01

This is an appalling way to be treated OP. Unfortunately nothing any of us can say will make it better but you must remain strong and keep moving forward.

Well done for not contacting him.

Just a pity you weren’t looking after an aggressive dog that would have torn his arm off as he stuck it through the cat flat.

Kelly7889 · 27/01/2022 00:32

You're doing great, OP.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
What a horrible man - he is of no use to you at all. You sound lovely.
Wishing you all the best. Although it's a horrible way to find out, at least you are rid of this cowardly piece of filth masquerading as a man.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2022 00:32

Don't let his arseholiness kill your mojo! Just tell yourself "Well, at least I got my stuff back", shrug, and keep moving forward. The pain of today will fade.

coldfeetmama · 27/01/2022 06:13

He was probably too embarrassed to face his sister too

Total coward

You have had a lucky escape , this feeling will pass and brighter days are coming
Keep smiling 💐

Original poster
starylight · 27/01/2022 07:50

Thank you for all being so kind.

I'm so mad at him for leaving it this long to drop my stuff off and making me feel like utter shit yet again. And to shove it through the cat flap  Confused

I'm even more mad at myself for feeling so upset again, I really thought I was starting to feel a little better.

@Honeyroar My oldest is fine thank you, youngest not so much.

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 27/01/2022 09:12

The cat flap!!

I do feel for your little one. I can’t believe anyone could be so cruel but it does also seem that you’ve had a very lucky escape.

Thirtytimesround · 27/01/2022 09:27

He’s done this in a deliberately cruel way.

I know it hurts now but no one normal would treat an ex partner like that, especially when young children are involved. You are definitely better off without this sadist in your life.