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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped with no explanation

183 replies

starylight · 10/01/2022 09:21

My boyfriend of 4.5 years finished with me completely out of the blue this weekend. No explanation, I simply got a text message saying not to contact him anymore and then he changed his FB status to single immediately. There's children on both sides (we have none together) who will be so upset. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick!

OP posts:
Pinchofnom · 10/01/2022 22:14

Bloody hell OP what a total t* he is. That’s horrific.

You must be in utter shock. I don’t understand why men do this especially when there are DC involved. It’s just awful.

Covidtrap · 10/01/2022 22:25

Id forget about your stuff. Sell his things and use the money to treat u and the kids or to replace whatever u left. Well done for being strong and not texting. U and ur children deserve better than this, my guess is he didnt like it when you challenged him about being rude to your DD.

TheCatShatInTheHat · 10/01/2022 22:30

Happened to me after 12 years. Take it from me and do not reply. Delete his number from your phone.

It's a punch to the guts, but you will get over it Flowers

It was another women. Found out 4 months later.

Honeyroar · 10/01/2022 22:37

I’d imagine there will be someone he fancies on the horizon, if he’s changed his status so quickly.

I definitely wouldn’t give him his stuff back.

I wonder if he’ll have the nerve to ask? Obviously the reply would be “who is this??”

DivorcedAndDelighted · 10/01/2022 22:38

@Ohisitreally

TBH I think you should contact him .Not contacting him really does let the coward off the hook and an acceptable way of behaving in his eyes. I hope you are OK and a six year old will bounce back very quickly. Flowers
I agree. Why should he get to dictate that you don't contact him again? Just because he's acting appallingly, it doesn't mean you have to validate that by giving him what he wants. I'd be wanting an explanation. There are some great breakup playlists online. May help? Hugs to you. What a shock this must have been after so long, and your youngest child being fond of him. So sorry to hear it. Flowers
Knackeredmommy · 10/01/2022 22:42

4.5 yrs? I couldn't just leave it like that. I'd call, leave a calm message if he doesn't pick up, at the very least you need to arrange to get your stuff. Sorry this happened, he's a coward and nobody should be treated that way xx

Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 22:48

I still haven't decided what to do about replying. I guarantee he'll think I'm going to text which makes me not want to. My youngest has been fairly upset tonight about it all and I'm sat here feeling awful as well. Not sure how to even begin to process it!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2022 22:54

I'll bet op, it really is so shitty of him. But be kind to yourself no matter what apprise you decide on.

Tell your little one that when people treat us badly like this, it is a reflection on them, not us. Make sure they know they haven't done anything wrong. But that sometimes we think people are nice and they turn out not to be. And when that happens we should focus on loving the good people in our lives who treat us right instead.

You both deserve good people in your life.

Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2022 22:54

*approach

Honeyroar · 10/01/2022 22:54

You’ll just be in shock for a bit. How could you not be! Just don’t do anything for a bit. It doesn’t matter what he thinks you’ll do or wants you to do. What you think/decide is what happens. Stuff his opinion!

Kuachui · 10/01/2022 23:09

after 4.5 yrs thats fucked up, massive lack of respect. makes you think did they even ever care about you at all.. it sucks.

i wouldnt bother messaging. he knows hes a pig and you wont get closure

Nancydrawn · 10/01/2022 23:16

Unlike a PP, I wouldn't tell your youngest that it was because The Dick was rude to him. It might seem like good boundaries to an adult, but it could also seem to a kid like it was his fault or something he did.

As long as it didn't cross the line into abuse (i.e. was merely rudeness), I'd at most say that Dick was sometimes very unkind, but that it was nothing your youngest did or said--that you are very sorry that this has happened, but that had nothing to do with your youngest and was something between grownups. You can also say that kindness is important and that nobody has to be in a relationship with an unkind person.

stmw123 · 10/01/2022 23:18

So sorry he's done this, what a bastard. I could never imagine doing this to someone I love.

It does sound like you're well rid. He's shown you who he really is.

I wouldn't text back, just because he'll be expecting you to and he probably won't reply anyway.

expat101 · 10/01/2022 23:18

The only thing I can add to the replies, is if you do decide to call or text him, is there any answer he could possibly give that would give you closure?

I'm thinking not and I think you might just open yourself up to more hurt.

Without a doubt, he has done things the wrong way, but please look out for yourself now.

Unsure33 · 10/01/2022 23:20

How awful . Especially when children involved.

I would pack up his stuff and keep it. He said do not contact him so that’s what I would do.

Tbh it does not matter what his reason is there is NO excuse for treating you or your children like that .

PurpleSproutingSomething · 10/01/2022 23:25

Here's the other thread PP are talking about www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text?msgid=93271364#93271364

Knackeredmommy · 10/01/2022 23:26

You don't have to do or say anything or tell anyone right now, you're still processing xx

Christinatherabbit · 10/01/2022 23:34

No advice but feel so sad for you and DC what an utter arsehole!

Monty27 · 10/01/2022 23:34

How far away from you does he live? Do his DC's live with him? Is there an ex in the mix?
You're not really describing much about your relationship OP.
Did you have long term plans apart from the tickets. I mean future plans being together.

Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 23:37

My 6 year old has spent the whole evening asking why he's not coming back.
To think that we've spent nearly every day together for over 4 years, all the holidays, special occasions, even a family funeral of mine recently, and he's just decided not only does he not want to be with me anymore but I don't deserve to know why either. It was birthday only a week ago and he'd planned all sorts for me. Wtf.

OP posts:
Original poster
starylight · 10/01/2022 23:40

@Monty27 We live in the same town. He doesn't live with his kids, they live with his ex, but he sees them regularly. Nothing planned other than 2 events with tickets, both this month. He'd been looking at us taking all the kids away in Feb half term but we hadn't booked anything yet.

OP posts:
Dottielottie123 · 10/01/2022 23:49

Wow what a dick, I hope your okay. I wouldn’t be able to help myself from texting him, even to say ok that’s fine, abit out of the blue- do you care to explain why or do I not deserve that even after giving you over 4 years of mine and my childrens lives?
The nerve of him!! Your definitely better without, I’m sure in a few weeks he will come back with his tail between his legs when he realises your fine without him and not doing the pick me dance!! Just stay strong and remember what he’s put you through xx

Jk24 · 10/01/2022 23:51

Sorry to read this op hea a knob. Hope you're ok. Dont text and I give it 4 days before he texts you Flowers

Dottielottie123 · 10/01/2022 23:59

Although after reading the other comments I agree with the blunt text!! That’s great! I just couldn’t help myself but reply but that’s me I’m a self sabotagerGrin xx

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 11/01/2022 00:34

@starylight
I still haven't decided what to do about replying. I guarantee he'll think I'm going to text which makes me not want to. My youngest has been fairly upset tonight about it all and I'm sat here feeling awful as well. Not sure how to even begin to process it!

It's a lot to process - I feel for you OP, what a crappy cowardly thing to do. I suggest you wait a while, give yourself a couple of days at least, then think about if and how you want to respond.