Dumped with no explanation

[starylight]

My boyfriend of 4.5 years finished with me completely out of the blue this weekend. No explanation, I simply got a text message saying not to contact him anymore and then he changed his FB status to single immediately. There's children on both sides (we have none together) who will be so upset. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick!

What sort of man posts your stuff back through the cat flap?

No sort of man worth crying over for sure.

The mind boggles, it really does.

I'm not sure I'll ever understand why he's handled all this the way he has.

Sadly it sounds like your ex is a narcissist. He had probably planned this and so to him it didn’t come out of the blue. Narcissists devalue and then cast aside those they once ‘loved’ because they are incapable of real love.
I had this happen to me… he dumped me and ghosted me a month before our wedding after years together. It was the single greatest pain of my life, like a bereavement. I really feel for you.
What really helped me was learning all about narcissism (watch H. g. Tudor on YouTube) and then I realised eventually that I had had a lucky escape. I was able to see him as very damaged. This obviously took a while and for now you are right to be angry. Just please don’t let this turn to bitterness as it will damage you and your children. Learn about narcissism and then eventually you will heal and be able to forgive (this does not mean you will ever justify his actions which are inexcusable) and then you will be free.
If he has behaved like this then he can do it again… so although you may still think you love him, this has been an escape from future pain and eventually you will see that. Give it time and you will love again - with the added benefit that you will be able to spot a narcissist a mile off and not make that mistake again.
Meanwhile… sending a heartfelt hug.

Sadly it sounds like your ex is a narcissist. He had probably planned this and so to him it didn’t come out of the blue. Narcissists devalue and then cast aside those they once ‘loved’ because they are incapable of real love.
I had this happen to me… he dumped me and ghosted me a month before our wedding after years together. It was the single greatest pain of my life, like a bereavement. I really feel for you.
What really helped me was learning all about narcissism (watch H. g. Tudor on YouTube) and then I realised eventually that I had had a lucky escape. I was able to see him as very damaged. This obviously took a while and for now you are right to be angry. Just please don’t let this turn to bitterness as it will damage you and your children. Learn about narcissism and then eventually you will heal and be able to forgive (this does not mean you will ever justify his actions which are inexcusable) and then you will be free.
If he has behaved like this then he can do it again… so although you may still think you love him, this has been an escape from future pain and eventually you will see that. Give it time and you will love again - with the added benefit that you will be able to spot a narcissist a mile off and not make that mistake again.

This is SO true! To the narcissist you are just a commodity who lives to serve a purpose for them at the time they need it (probably he wanted someone to spend time with and support him with his dc's when he split from their mother). It's all about what you do for him. When they decide they don't need you anymore or meet someone else you're cast aside like an old hat. I don't think he ever probably "loved" you - it just made his life better at that time to have you around.

My bf has had this happen to her recently - they have dc together so he hasn't been able to drop her completely but she said to me that she felt he just wanted her to die - she was just a problem to him that he wanted to go away so he could move on with his affair partner. The way he's treated her is atrocious.

It's not you, it's him. Narcissists are unable to love and the way he has treated you, just dropping you without an explanation proves that.

Total, TOTAL douchebag.

You can't ever, ever contact him again but you know that already.

Sometimes in life you have to face the fact that you may get no answers and no satisfaction.

He's obviously hugely callous and I think you've had a lucky escape.

Appropriate he posted it though the cat flap because it's the move of an absolute pussy. Ugh.

Sorry OP but it sounds like you've done so well to stay strong and not have contact.

There will be setbacks and times it feels harder than other times but it's worth it when you come out the other side, I promise

What a bellend.

Well done for not messaging him !

Keep it up.

What a loser. You need to get angry and laugh at how pathetic he is. Sneaking around posting stuff through a cat flap. Sad.

@OldFirstTimeMum Thank you, I've been sat here listening to h.g.tudor for the past hour, interesting stuff!

I had an ex do this too, he posted a letter that had gone to the house we shared through the letterbox of my new home, months after our spilt. At 7am... so i wouldnt see him but obviously i realised when i saw his address on the letter. He had sneaked and left it. We didnt even have a major fall out, the relationship ended and we had exchanged pleasant texts beforehand. 'how are you etc' a decent exchange of care.
This letter posting really hurt me. Anyone normal would have simply text and said , hey i have this letter, how do you want to get it.
He took that away and made me feel so low. I was so so angry and it took alot to not contact him and give him a piece of my mind. I realised it said alot more about him than it did me. He was as sad as i had thought. I maintained dignity and decency and a few days later i just laughed at it. Immature and sad men, it confirm something - you never really know a person until you fall out with them, then you see what they are really capable of!

@Fruitandnuts Yes I completely get what you mean. It was only just over 3 weeks ago that we were planning a holiday for the summer and now he's acting like I don't exist! Who knew he could behave like that 🤷🏼‍♀️

@2bazookas

He's probably just trying to hide something from you that embarrasses him

Other woman

awful diagnosis

Caught shoplifting. Or cottaging.

STD

Charged with drink driving/ drug offence

Thrown out by landlord

sacked by employer

         I would just send a  calm reply saying  " Sorry it's ended,  I enjoyed it while it lasted and hope we'll remember each other as friends.
        Could you let me know please what brought this on?  Just so that I don't worry you're in trouble.</div></div>

This has got to be one of the most bonkers set of “probable” reasons I gave read on here!

I hope you’re doing ok ❤️ My boyfriend of 18 months ended it suddenly with no real reason on Friday and then hasn’t spoken to me since either. I can’t believe there are so many cruel people out there.

[quote starylight]@OldFirstTimeMum Thank you, I've been sat here listening to h.g.tudor for the past hour, interesting stuff! [/quote]
You are very welcome. You deserve better and will find better once you heal.

@Flamingo89 I'm sorry to hear that I hope you're ok.

@Flamingo89 - give him silence. Do not pander after a man. Let him sit in his self created silence. He's just not worth your precious time and energy. Look after You

Thank you both ❤️ I’ve not sent anything for a few days. I really think there is someone else in the picture, I think he’s just got bored and found someone else 😔 I’m just going to try and get on with my life but it’s hard because we were friends for so long before we were together it feels like a huge loss.

@Flamingo89 I wouldn't always assume they've found someone else. Mine hasn't, he's just an arse and also struggled with serious commitment

He’s a bit like that though, never on his own for long I don’t think, but mine is one of his longest relationships. Hey either way we both deserve better don’t we girl 🙂

I’ve been through the same thing in May last year, a 3 year intense relationship and we had holidays booked etc. He had always been incredibly reliable with communication etc and one day just stopped messaging me, for no reason. I left it a few days and then he dumped me over text message! I was mainly in shock as he wasn’t like this as a person but I saw his true colours over that period. I deleted his number and went on with my life with my head high, somedays I missed him massively but I knew I deserved better. Fast forward to September when he comes back into my life with a ‘hope you are okay’ text! 🙄 by then I was in a completely different place and knew I didn’t need him, and he only wanted me when he felt rubbish! I still get the occasional text but I wouldn’t ever let him back in my life.

My advise would be to know your worth and move on before he comes back to suck more life out of you!

Am going to be honest with you OP!

Its been 3 weeks since he sent you that text! You gave him his belongings back via his sister! There was no need for any more contact.

You didn't contact him asking for your stuff back. The very fact that he posted your belongings through your "Door" suggests he is looking for a reaction from you! Don't give it to him.

You are obviously on his mind, that he would take the trouble to come to your house ( albeit in a cowardly manner!).

You haven't heard the last of him, there are so many posters on here with the same story, the weasel always comes back at a later date, trying to make contact.

Remember you are better than him. The fact you didn't contact him pleading for answers is annoying him! The best reaction from you is to do nothing! Might not feel like it at the moment but you have the upper hand! Keep going!

@bjrce I think I agree with you! I'm under no illusion that he wants to get back together, he doesn't, but yes holding on to my stuff for this long and returning it the way he did was more than likely to try and get some kind of reaction from me. He's probably wondering why I never responded to his text.

I'm trying my hardest not to text him, I'm just hoping that as the days go on it gets easier. Would love to fast forward a few months!

You've been amazingly strong op.
I was dumped after 3 dates back in Nov and I'm still heartbroken! (I realise that's not even remotely a relationship - which is why I'm so impressed with you!)
You will recover and he sounds like a piece of work to do that to you - there's no explanation or justification for the way he's treated you, but you will be ok and you will find another guy (if that's what you want).
All the best op

You have been so strong op. Hang in there. Youre doing great 👍

You are doing so well! I know it hurts but I’m so proud of you for not messaging him.

I look back at some of my past crap and wish I would have said nothing. It really is the best way to go.