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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's work taking over family life.

256 replies

Nextquestionplease · 01/01/2022 20:52

Husband is a high earner, who takes on additional work to the extent that our younger child wants to cut the computer in half, to stop him working and spend time with us going out or in the house.
He helps get them ready for school and bed, but it's like he's part-time help for an hour in the morning and two hours at night.
There's no companionship.
He takes work on holiday (one holiday a year), works the day before we go and goes back the following morning.
He sleeps separately so he can wake up early to work before going to work, or stays up late working.
He's angry if I challenge him and walked out when I got angry about the amount of work he's doing. I'm terrified he'll disappear if/when I I challenge him again.
He wants to be in charge.
I want to have a life.

OP posts:
Gorseinon22 · 01/01/2022 20:59

Sorry to read this, not sure of an easy answer though.

PussInBin20 · 01/01/2022 21:02

This sounds awful - I’m not surprised you feel that way but I think you need to decide what you’re prepared to accept as it doesn’t sound like he wants to change any time soon.

Personally I would sit him down and tell him exactly how you/DCs feel and if he won’t make changes then I would prepare to leave.

If he thinks you will put up with it, then he has no reason to change.

I would pitch it as what you said about your child - surely he wants to be a good DF to them?

Original poster
Nextquestionplease · 01/01/2022 21:02

I feel so stuck. Has to be more to life than work. Same old, same old year in, year out.
I'm going to be married but on my own.

OP posts:
Gooders1105 · 01/01/2022 21:04

Do you work, OP? Asking for two reasons: 1. Does he feel the pressure of being the sole earner? 2. It would mean you could model to him a healthy work life balance

Original poster
Nextquestionplease · 01/01/2022 21:05

Hi Puss.
I wouldn't leave, I'd tell him I want to separate.
He goes to bed and shuts the door, that implies to me,"That's it, I'm off duty".

OP posts:
dreamsarefree · 01/01/2022 21:05

So he spends three hours a day engaging in family life already according to your first post but it's not enough? He's also a high earner - do you work?

Original poster
Nextquestionplease · 01/01/2022 21:06

I can't work as who would look after the children during school hols? I don't have higher qualifications to be a high earner

OP posts:
Josette77 · 01/01/2022 21:08

I think 3 hours a day sounds normal?

Original poster
Nextquestionplease · 01/01/2022 21:09

Hi Dreams, that 3 hours a day including weekends.
He works when he's on leave.
Our children complain they only do things he wants to do.
If he agrees to take them somewhere they want to go, like a trampoline park, he says he's wasted time he could be working and is in a bad mood

OP posts:
dreamsarefree · 01/01/2022 21:10

So he's facilitating a life for you that you can't have alone, he's helping with the DC but it's not enough, you can't work because of the school holidays that plenty of working mums manage to navigate and you're on here complaining? I see why he is spending all his time working. Probably best to leave him and get your own life, I expect you'll be happy to take his £££

PeonyRose80 · 01/01/2022 21:11

I think that’s more than my DH although kids are 10. What about weekends?

Original poster
Nextquestionplease · 01/01/2022 21:11

All he does is work
We didn't even go out for a day trip in 6 weeks of summer hols cos he wanted to work till at least 1 pm, by which point its lunchtime and half the days gone!

OP posts:
PILHELP · 01/01/2022 21:14

He has to work if you won't! If your summer holiday job is looking after the children then why do you need him to come? I expect he doesn't want to spend time with you if you have this attitude towards him. I'm assuming for those six weeks he was WFH and supposed to be working rather than six weeks of annual leave?

Philly1234 · 01/01/2022 21:15

Work addiction. Have a read. Ignore those that are attempting to trivialise what you’re going through.

PussInBin20 · 01/01/2022 21:15

Gosh, it sounds like a miserable marriage. Does he not see that this way of life is not great? Why exactly does he have to work so much - is he under constant pressure/stressed for some reason?

I don’t think I could live like that - sounds joyless. Life is too short and your kids will grow up so fast - maybe remind him of this.

My DH and I are early 50s and now I say we can’t put anything off “til next year”. You have to live life now as you don’t know what’s around the corner.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/01/2022 21:17

What do you want to do OP?

If you split would he ever have them weekends? Or would he take then and farm them out or put them on iPads while he works?

I dont think you're going to change him, as sad as that is.

So you can stay with him and hope that his money will buy you some time to make the kids lives great and take the shit bits out of your life like housework

Or you can leave and hope that you get some personal fulfillment from work and that you meet someone else to have that family time with. But your husband doesn't want that family time with your family sp I think as a minimum you need to accept that and work out what you're going to do about jt

Original poster
Nextquestionplease · 01/01/2022 21:17

Hi Dreams
I have a SEN child who is overwhelmed by new surroundings/people. That's why fulltime employment for me would be difficult - the childcare aspect.
Who sits at a laptop for 5hours a day on a family holiday in Tenerife (few years ago).
I don't have a designer handbag, the house needs painting (flaky paint, not vanity!) and we never go out together or as a family, cos he's tired from work!

OP posts:
YesILikeItToo · 01/01/2022 21:17

Your post suggests that he’s self-employed?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 01/01/2022 21:17

@Nextquestionplease

Husband is a high earner, who takes on additional work to the extent that our younger child wants to cut the computer in half, to stop him working and spend time with us going out or in the house. He helps get them ready for school and bed, but it's like he's part-time help for an hour in the morning and two hours at night. There's no companionship. He takes work on holiday (one holiday a year), works the day before we go and goes back the following morning. He sleeps separately so he can wake up early to work before going to work, or stays up late working. He's angry if I challenge him and walked out when I got angry about the amount of work he's doing. I'm terrified he'll disappear if/when I I challenge him again. He wants to be in charge. I want to have a life.
He either becomes present or ltb.

I left my workaholic wife.

SandingWithMyUnshavenLegs · 01/01/2022 21:19

I’m sorry OP this sounds like you are feeling quite lonely yourself, aside from the children. The worst thing you said is that he shuts down conversations about it. Does he do this with other topics if he doesn’t like your viewpoint? Do you think you were too confrontational/not understanding of his point of view? Has he threatened to “disappear” before? Does he belittle you or imply that your say in family life is less important than his?

Original poster
Nextquestionplease · 01/01/2022 21:21

Drink- he farms them out and puts them on iPads now.
I can't leave the house at weekends unless he's taken them out cos he'll leave them on gadgets so he can work.
Doesn't play with them or encourage reading.
I'm using his income to pay for a cleaner so I have energy and patience for my children but school holidays are so upsetting when we see fathers out with children and mine say, dad's working.

OP posts:
DirtyDancing · 01/01/2022 21:24

He sounds like a work-a-holic. He's addicted to work basically. You won't get him out this cycle easily as he has now boundaries and can't see the impact it's having on your family.

I'm not a LTB type responder, but it sounds like some counselling might help you both. Either way you may find he is hard to change

Original poster
Nextquestionplease · 01/01/2022 21:25

It's pretty much his way or else he goes back to work.
Chose work despite me asking him to come to high-risk pregnancy scan with me.
Even Dr's were surprised I came on my own (high-risk pregnancy currently fast asleep in my bed).

OP posts:
Itshothothot · 01/01/2022 21:27

I’m reading this gobsmacked. This is my life!

readwhatiactuallysay · 01/01/2022 21:29

Before you had kids did you spend lots more time together?

How old are the kids ?

3 hours a day as well as working is quite normal i think.

3 hours a day of a weekend is still not appalling if they are having fun and enjoying their time together. However you say the kids say they only do what he wants....this is the problem not the 3 hours.
It doesnt have to be a big thing they do so long as they enjoy it.

My DH has to take his phone away on holiday for "emergencies" at work. He deals with other stuff as well, but its not alot of time on the holiday and qe make sure the rest of the time is fun and family time.

There is no right or wrong person, its just wether you are both living the life you each want, if not, then its a unhealthy relationship.

Its not good he cant have a discussion about it without storming out, is he massively stressed at work or something else stressing him out.

I do hate it on here when people make massive leaps to ridiculous ideas, but i did think maybe something has gone wrong financially or hes scared to tell
you something so he gets angry quickly and hides away at bed/intimate times. But please that may just be me and a mssive leap.