Husband's work taking over family life.

[Nextquestionplease]

Husband is a high earner, who takes on additional work to the extent that our younger child wants to cut the computer in half, to stop him working and spend time with us going out or in the house.
He helps get them ready for school and bed, but it's like he's part-time help for an hour in the morning and two hours at night.
There's no companionship.
He takes work on holiday (one holiday a year), works the day before we go and goes back the following morning.
He sleeps separately so he can wake up early to work before going to work, or stays up late working.
He's angry if I challenge him and walked out when I got angry about the amount of work he's doing. I'm terrified he'll disappear if/when I I challenge him again.
He wants to be in charge.
I want to have a life.

Right, so there is clear financial abuse (he refuses to share information about the family finance) plus emotional abuse - he shuts down discussions and ignores you, won't help you even when you need it urgently. I would imagine that if you tried to get a job he would obstruct you - he wants you to stay the obedient servant.

Thanks everyone.
Its interesting to read different opinions.
He says there's no need for me to work - how do I know financially?!
I'm do have things to occupy me but I'm not the only adult in the house!

Not to be harsh here...but you came on to moan and ask for tips on getting him to work less/ care about you more/sleep in same room/ stop financially abusing you / stop treating you like a lesser person or hired-help/ play with the children.
He is NEVER going to do any of these things
I take it you can't really leave. Perhaps you're from a culture that won't allow it or you don't have support to do this. Maybe you can't or won't work.
If you can't Leave then you need to start carving out your own finances, living separately in the house (you do this anyway) and going out on your own. If money is no object then get babysitters or put kids in afterschool club etc
I have a feeling though that he doesn't let you go out by his behaviour. Passive aggressive control. Does he 'punish' you by going cold or working even more. He's not a nice person. Don't let others tell you otherwise.
The finances are a massive red flag. Its not normal to not know what the family finances are. I'm always astonished there are women who are happy to accept this. Never accept this. Ever.
My ex is a workaholic and lots of things...but I have always had access to money. I know what money we have and I spend what I need. I have allowed myself to be the default parent and feel stupid enough about that. But I do have money. And I work too. Any person who does not allow you to see finances is infantalising you and controlling you.

Twinkle, I was thinking about the needs hierarchy when I wrote the earlier post:)

Op, you are lucky to be able to spend hols with your dc. Lots of people take the dc out on their own as the other parent is working.
Rent a cottage by the sea and he can wfh there whilst you spend the day on the beach. I used to do this, and I left my workaholic dh behind and took my under fives on holidays in uk and abroad. Had a fab time. Dc and ne have great memories. I didn't let the dc dwell on dh not coming or make them stay home and feel like second choice or that we couldn't do anything without dh.

The dc did not know how upsetting it felt sometimes. But they didn't choose dh and deserved a nice happy childhood despite it.

He won't change, and you are very down. Do you get an allowance to spend what you like or arrange day trips / go for ice cream, have your own car?

I think you need to figure out how to take the children out without his help. This is normal for SAHMs with husbands who have long-hours jobs. I know you said the children feel ignored by him, but, even if he really can't be bothered to spend time with them, it's in their interests for you to present it as "Dad has to work very hard and can't be with us right now, but we'll see him later." I think that will give them a little more emotional resilience to a lifestyle where they don't see much of him.

I think the above are actually not your biggest problems.

The finances are a red flag now that you have given some more details. Combined with him sleeping in a different room and refusing to talk about the problems in your marriage, this does not bode well. I am worried that money is being used as a way to keep you in line. You need to protect yourself financially. Can you begin to squirrel away some money that you can use to ensure that, if you do decide to speak up, your husband cannot just leave you with no access to cash?

I think that, on the needs hierarchy, having your basic needs "attended to" but in a context where the person providing them is holding the finances over you as a tool of control means that you are actually not having your basic needs met. Because if you speak up, then the person providing for those needs can then just withdraw them and leave you lacking in those same basic needs.

Its not as simple as your confidence in going out alone- as others have said, the lesser working parent, usually mum (of course!), takes kids out alone... this starts when they're babies. You don't see 2 parents doing this on weekdays in holidays. Most working parents tag team. Who has 14 weeks holidays a year? You go to park or museum and lots of things are free or low cost for younger children. Or softly, national trust, cinema.
However this isn't the problem really. You are under his complete control. You need expert help. Please seek this.

What if he was in deep financial trouble and you were unaware. How do you know he really is working all those hours. He could be gambling online etc. Or hiding. I know someone this happened too. He is controlling what you know and that is a huge concern. Dont blame yourself. You've been well conditioned. But help is available.

He'll see how much of an 'inconvenience' his DC are if you split over this and he has to juggle 24/7 childcare his half of every week with his big job.
Threaten him with that!

Do you have access to spend money ?

Why can't you go out on weekends with the children in the mornings or take them to clubs, library, sports, park ?

Why can't you work or volunteer ?

If you work, childcare should be a shared expense

If you are in UK, please ensure that you claim child benefit (but not the money due to high husband earnings) because this pays your National Insurance "stamp" towards your state pension & other benefits if you are not working. You can check your National Insurance record per year on www.gov.uk

You need 35 qualifying National Insurance years to claim a full state pension

Thanks again everyone.

If you don't work and don't know what the financial situation is, then how do you have access to money?

Money in bank account

Child benefit not claimed as high income but NI paid.
Looking into things.

@Nextquestionplease

Child benefit not claimed as high income but NI paid. Looking into things.

I know it’s not the point, but really you should claim the child benefit rather than pay the NI. It’s just costing you money.

NI paid by govt

Thanks everyone for your input.
I don't know why I'm staying in this marriage any more: He didn't like that I had left a few things on the draining rack all day - I said you mean like your toothpaste around the sink! Blooming cheek!

Your points have challenged me to think about the way he sees me and to think about what I want, from our life together and my life as a person.

So, an update: I began to carve out a life for myself and then dd was hit by a car and got a broken bone (driver not paying attention).
Off school for 4 weeks each time for 2 operations 4 months apart plus emotional and physical recovery.

I took children away on my own for a week in the summer (UK).

He's still a workaholic - separate bedrooms.

I contacted pensions government dept and i or husband need to make contributions to receive my full state pension, as child benefit ni contributions not paid when oldest child is 12. He is a highearner so I don't get child benefit.
I'm so angry that he hasn't done a thing for my financial planning, not even a Will.
He's working but we really are 2 people sharing a house.
I've spent the last hour in the car crying.

He's busy planning his finances but didn't say to me, let's do yours.

Is this an arranged marriage? Is divorce impossible?

Does he really have to work so much?

Let me guess - he says he doing it all for you, for the family?

You can claim child benefit he would just be taxed on it. Sort that out for a start.

No and no.

Vaccine. No and no.

Not all of it. But won't turn it away.