Husband's work taking over family life.

[Nextquestionplease]

Husband is a high earner, who takes on additional work to the extent that our younger child wants to cut the computer in half, to stop him working and spend time with us going out or in the house.
He helps get them ready for school and bed, but it's like he's part-time help for an hour in the morning and two hours at night.
There's no companionship.
He takes work on holiday (one holiday a year), works the day before we go and goes back the following morning.
He sleeps separately so he can wake up early to work before going to work, or stays up late working.
He's angry if I challenge him and walked out when I got angry about the amount of work he's doing. I'm terrified he'll disappear if/when I I challenge him again.
He wants to be in charge.
I want to have a life.

Despite all the workaholic comments which I don't disagree with, you seem to be holding a lot against him without thinking why he might be like this. Did he have a good father as a role model? You sound very inflexible about your expectations of what a good father looks like. It's not just about days out and holidays, it sounds like he is present 3 hours a day being a father to children who have a SAHM.

Are your children school age or preschool?

My husbands work takes over his life and ours. He's never home. Never knows when he's needed. Never knows what city or country he will be in. Although we have no money at all and can't afford the mortgage this month.

Is he self employed? This slightly changes things.

Sorry, I meant 2 weeks of summer leave plus weekends.
He booked himself in for meetings during his time off, so he had to prepare for them which takes time.

He's not self-employed so gets paid holiday.

I'm not some selfish pampered lazy woman. He can only work cos I run the house and do the schoolruns - over 2 hours a day cos local schools aren't great. I can't go out to work as what I earn would go out in childcare.

I feel really sorry for you. The picture attached isn’t to upset you but you might need to consider that it isn’t just working a lot but rather that you and the children are not being treated right. Ignore the posters who have implied you are money grabbing, they have based this on nothing. You are entitled to a certain level of respect and it sounds like you aren’t getting it. He may just need a wake up call, but there is a possibility that he won’t change.

To be clear, it’s not his working that sounds worrying in itself, but the fact that you are seriously afraid of even discussing something really important to you out of fear for his reaction.

Oh Pivot, thats dreadful and why I've not posted before, cos i know how hard it is (how i grew up).
Mortgage-holiday? Contact your mortgage provider and tell them your difficulties.🌻

DH is a bit the same. If you don't work, him reducing your hours would mean reduced standard of living. Have you approached him and made it clear that there are things you don't need that could he cut out so he can take less money?
If you are thinking of leaving him, you will need a job sooner or later. Child support, at best, will last only till the DC are a certain age. If he's self employed it may not even be reliable. I strongly suggest you start thinking about training for a career now. I know it's hard but your reasons for not working sound like the kind of reasons people give when working is a choice. See it as a necessity to sure up your future. Think about your talents and skills and what you could train for. Start studying, part time if needs be, with a view to independence.
You won't change him.

No one is saying you are pampered but bills have to get paid somehow and the issues you are talking about as to why all the financial pressure is on him are things most working parents have to deal with. You are very defensive to normal questions so I see why you are struggling to communicate this to him. As a PP said, I would accept you want different things sooner rather than later if life is this stressful that issues from the summer are still being harboured.

He wants a maid and maybe sex.
He doesn’t want a family and family life (unless it fits around him).

Is it what you want?

I was looking into re-training and then Covid hit, so all that went out of the window as I had the children at home.
Totally agree with job-getting!
Totally a good thing to do for my financial and emotional independence.

Am furious with him for not amending his Will to include children and to be tax-efficient.
He's left it to me to do and yes, as a poster said, he wants a maid and sex (dream on!).

@Nextquestionplease

Oh Pivot, thats dreadful and why I've not posted before, cos i know how hard it is (how i grew up). Mortgage-holiday? Contact your mortgage provider and tell them your difficulties.🌻

Thanks it's not even in my name though.

I know Bill's need to be paid, so (rhetorical question), why is he so generous with engagement and wedding presents? To show off.

Pivot😔

Dreams, it's not this summer, its been every summer since the children were born.
He's always had paid holiday.
I told him i know checking emails is almost a necessity in his job, but he took a briefcase and a project!
He simply can't seem to make room in his head for the children and I.

My DH is similar in that he does nothing for the family in the morning and dips in for 30 mins to do some fun with the kids before bed. Weekends similar but he now tries to take Saturdays off completely. I find he's so exhausted though he constantly disappears to read the paper or lie down. I wish he didn't work so much but there's no easy solution with the job he does. I mind, but I'm not mad at him. He does it for us ultimately. I also work full time in a high(ish compared to him) paying but 9-5 job. I can comfortably pay half the bills. This is the way our life is though, plusses and minuses. Sometimes I feel so cross at carrying the mental load, and putting dinner out and clearing it up after alone. Day after day. I wonder so much what it would be like to have someone who was 'done' with work at 5 like me. Our lives would be so different. But I feel lucky and supported by him, I mean emotionally more importantly. So can tolerate the downsides. I had a breakdown a year ago. Anxiety and mental exhaustion of 4 small kids I guess, but he was amazing. And really had my back.

So OP, it's not the work, it's that he is dismissive of you and the kids needs.

Can't see the point in splitting up. You would still be on your own but with no help and less income. Start building up a life of your own.

The showing off with flashy presents - sounds like a narcissist!

Sounds like you’d be better off without him, at least then you wouldn’t feel angry and resentful all the time.

@Santaslittlemelter I’m glad you feel emotionally supported, but is it possible you would not have had a breakdown in the first place of he was doing 50% of the child care?

I don't know how else to say this politely, but he sounds like an arse hole. Tell him what you want and if he's not willing to compromise then you will have to leave & support yourself. Better than being miserable stuck with someone like that though.

@Viviennemary You can’t see the point in not being mistreated and setting a terrible example for your children?

* So he's facilitating a life for you that you can't have alone, he's helping with the DC but it's not enough, you can't work because of the school holidays that plenty of working mums manage to navigate and you're on here complaining? I see why he is spending all his time working.*

^This

You know @Santaslittlemelter, I’m not sure those men do that for their family etc….

My dad was like this. He did that because his work was his life. That’s who he was. He did that because he got a lot of praise from his job. It boosted his self esteem and allowed him to get in contact with many people, something he thrived on.
It want JUST for his family, paying the bills etc.. it was first and foremost for himself. And yes it only worked because my mum was there fully supporting him and running the show whilst he was ‘working’ all hours.

Tbh the only reason I have a good ration with him is because he was the one who was taking me to school (long commute - not the U.K.) so I got 35mins to talk to him. But that was it for the day.