Husband's work taking over family life.

[Nextquestionplease]

Husband is a high earner, who takes on additional work to the extent that our younger child wants to cut the computer in half, to stop him working and spend time with us going out or in the house.
He helps get them ready for school and bed, but it's like he's part-time help for an hour in the morning and two hours at night.
There's no companionship.
He takes work on holiday (one holiday a year), works the day before we go and goes back the following morning.
He sleeps separately so he can wake up early to work before going to work, or stays up late working.
He's angry if I challenge him and walked out when I got angry about the amount of work he's doing. I'm terrified he'll disappear if/when I I challenge him again.
He wants to be in charge.
I want to have a life.

Your husband thinks he's entitled to do what he wants as the person sustaining you. You think you're entitled to be sustained but on your terms. You're not on the same page, and this is always a risk in a relationship of inequality. It's very unlikely either one of you is going to change, so what will give?

@Nextquestionplease

I can't work as who would look after the children during school hols? I don't have higher qualifications to be a high earner

OP

I think you need to be a bit more realistic.

We all have school holidays to navigate. You have quite an easy life if you dont have to work - to be honest. And he pays for holidays.

I think you need to have a conversation about what you need but honestly you need to be realistic.

@Exhausteddog

I sympathise OP my DH is self employed and works ridiculous hours sometimes. Often during the week he doesn't see anything at all of our younger child and only sees DD because she stays up later. (I work ft as well) Sorry I don't have any answers!

Being self employed doesn't automatically mean working very HR available. I run a 5 figure a month turnover business and don't work like a dog. 9-5 only.

This guy needs to prioritize his family and wife not his bloody job.
Work smarter not longer.

Philly, how does a Forensic Accountant work?

Is it really so unreasonable to expect a day a week for family?
I'm not including annual leave.
Just a day, so my son can stop being upset that his dad doesn't share in his life and is then clingy to me.

He's not going to change so what are you going to do?

I'd be looking to get myself back into work and making a plan to leave.

Other than the money, he doesn't seem to be adding a lot of value to your life. At least you know where you stand when you are single. I think that's preferable to being married but miserable.

Depends on his profession. Some roles require these sort of hours at a certain level.

You sound a bit selfish given that you don't work and depend on him entirely to allow you to stay at home with your kids.

Helping 3 hours per day if he has a busy job and is a high earner is a lot! You're being a bit unrealistic.

Try counselling or carve out a weekly date night, but expecting a sole earner in a high pressure job to pitch in significantly more than 3 hours/day is v unrealistic,

Wishing you the best OP!

@Hrpuffnstuff1 "I run a 5 figure a month turnover business and don't work like a dog.
9-5 only.

This guy needs to prioritize his family and wife not his bloody job.
Work smarter not longer."

Again, wishful thinking.

He could be a banker for example and not have the flexibility of just choosing to work 9-5.

People on this forum are delusional about the reality of how life works and certain high pressure jobs.

As someone who has a role like your husband it's very difficult for someone who is not a high earner to understand that's it's almost impossible to switch off. With a big salary comes a lot of responsibility and you are almost always on call. His job gives you the opportunity to be a SAHM without it he would probably be unhappy and you would have to work so you would be unhappy too. I'm afraid there's not a way out of it. The job he has is demanding and it's either accept it or not. I see on this board often when people are high earners others commenting as though it's just about luck and everyone works hard, but a high salary isn't hard work in a 9-5 setting - it's all the time and unless you are both willing to give up the financial benefits (and his psychological ones) of his employment then that's how it's always going to be I am afraid

I’ve c&p’d the following from an accountancy website FYI:

The main role of the forensic accountant in divorce matters is to ensure financial transparency by investigating the parties’ finances, both personal and business, with the ultimate aim being to identify and investigate any discrepancies, including revealing hidden assets and income.

Also, before you start pulling out the big guns, have you tried all avenues to resolve things - talking to him, writing him a letter, couples counselling? I think it’s important for all concerned, but mainly for you, that you exhaust all alternatives before you look to separate/divorce

Is he an accountant?

I think this is really tough.

It sounds to me that on some levels, you want your cake and to eat it too. His working hours facilitate you being a SAHM / having a cleaner / the life you and your DC have. Many parents work jobs and arrange holiday care, SEN parents included. Having a job wouldn't mean all your wage went on childcare, it's a shared expense - and perhaps the benefit of a job outside of the home would help your mind. 3 hours a day helping with the DC sounds like a lot from the outside with all the working hours he seems to do, but it seems your issue is quality time doing fun things rather than the necessary bits?

If he is a high earner, then I know what you mean. My DH has only ever not worked on one holiday, our honeymoon. Unfortunately his level / role means he's almost always on call. A lot of people rely on him for input / decisions to be made, without which jobs would stall and money would be lost. I knew this years ago, and although it's sometimes a pain, I've gone into it with eyes open that it's what's involved with his job.

It's tough, but I think ultimately some people (women and men!) are wired this way. If it's really a dealbreaker that's only up to you to decide.

I'm using his income to pay for a cleaner so I have energy and patience for my children

How much energy do you need, for school children?

Seems like a loveless marriage, you are both using each other but noone, not even your children, are happy. You are setting a very bad example for them. Get a job, and a life.

Oh op how do you think people without your indulgences live? School aged children? Breakfast and afterschool and holiday clubs are the way forward then you can have work and the social and cognitive expansion this can provide.

My DP is like this, also a high earner. DC is 1. I chose to return to work even though childcare eats up a lot of my salary (although we share it, so less) because I wanted my own ‘thing’.

The problem to me seems to be that your DP won’t discuss it.

I tolerate my DP’s workaholism because (a) I like the money; (b) I have my own work to interest me; and (c) he’s seeing a therapist to address it (and in time has come to accept he’s a workaholic - although still not at the stage where he’s challenging the behaviour which is frustrating).

Have you suggested seeing a therapist to your husband? He might find it easier to discuss it with someone else before discussing it with you.

[quote purplehairlady]@Hrpuffnstuff1 "I run a 5 figure a month turnover business and don't work like a dog.
9-5 only.

This guy needs to prioritize his family and wife not his bloody job.
Work smarter not longer."

Again, wishful thinking.

He could be a banker for example and not have the flexibility of just choosing to work 9-5.

People on this forum are delusional about the reality of how life works and certain high pressure jobs. [/quote]
People are delusional that priority should be given to work above a marriage at all costs.

The op doesn't like it, the husband should listen to his wife.

And op need to get a job. Children won’t stay children for long.

It does sound like he needs to work smarter not harder - well put previous poster 😁

I've been there with two kids. I have zero family in my area and use a combination of wfh, exchanging holiday cover with other mums, some paid clubs. Couldn't you consider a small work from home job. Not sure how old your children are but don't write off even working a couple of days a week. You'd find it would help the burden of being the sole owner along with getting you out of your family role!

What about getting a job in a school. They have admin roles. A lot of council jobs are wfh. Don't be hard on your skill set.

Giving up your financial independence is always risky. Have you paid your pension contributions? Something to consider.

Once he's see you in a new light, maybe he'd relax the strain of the job. Sounds like he does contribute of an evening for practical things.

The op doesn't like it, the husband should listen to his wife.
So what the dw says goes? Sahp doesn't like xyz and life needs to orientate to their want?

Lots to think about.
Its not just me, it's our children.
It's not help with the practical things cos oldest is independent, it's quality time.

I have my own interests & hobbies, I'm not bored but I would like to go out with my husband when I take the children out. Otherwise its hard work and lonely.
He pulls faces and complains its cost him £x cos he's not working.
Its Sunday FFS, you've already worked 5 days other job!

MichelleScarn, it needs to be a compromise of what we both want.
He went to bed at 7 pm tonight to watch tv. He put son to bed - nearly 9, who complained it's too early for him.

I really don’t understand all the “get a job”responses. How will that help? Especially if OP’s earnings won’t even cover childcare and her DC has SN.

I have a DH who prioritises work all the time, regardless of day of the week or booked holidays etc. Everything must fit around work. Work takes up all his energy and headspace, a little bit is carved out for kids so he can tell himself he’s a good father, none is left for me. We have no sex, no romance, barely any conversation except about boring to do list stuff as he has so little time and energy left after work and seeing DC for a bit. It is shit and lonely.

I have a job. It doesn’t help at all with the feelings of being taken for granted and always put last, or simply missing having your DH’s company and interest.

And it hasn’t made DH feel he can take his foot off the pedal. He’s not doing it for finances, he does it 100% for ego and interest reasons.

Tell me if you find a solution OP. I’m on about my 10th year of DH swearing he will step back, make more time for us … it hasn’t happened yet.

Op the main issues here are that he refuses to talk about it, refuses counselling and hides finances from you.
So you have 2 options: put up with it or leave. Honestly I think long term you'd be happier if you left but it would mean working and juggling kids/childcare and household duties. That's the life of a single parent. It doesn't sound like your marriage is remotely loving and your kids will pick up on that.

To those stating ops husband is facilitating her lifestyle - you do realise she's facilitating his too? Because guaranteed if she decided to get a job she'd STILL be expected to sort out the childcare and pickups and hobbies and life admin.

Minipie😔.

Bingo Nutribullet.
If I work, that's exactly what will happen. Kitchen things break, I fix them or arrange repairs - shed needs sorting out, I do it - house needs painting outside looking grotty, I arrange it and he protests cos it doesn't need doing even though its peeling - he wants a holiday (!), asks me to research it but I've said I'm not doing it again as I'm not going away if he takes project work with. I'm not waking up every morning to the sound of a dictaphone or typing.
I do want to work but not until all are in secondary school and I'll have no more school run. I have no energy left as my parents need help too.
Still need holiday cover tho...