It sounds like you are in a loveless marriage and he has checked out.
I’m sorry 💐
You need to try couple counselling or leave the marriage.
Hiding money from you is obviously a major issue and it sounds like general financial abuse is going on to some extent.
He’s sounds like a workaholic, although all of the financial pressure is on him. Though this is no excuse to ignore the DC or you.
You also need to take some responsibility for your situation.
I’m not minimising your valid concerns re. your SEN child as we don’t know any details, but I know of a few parents with SEN children who volunteer or work at their children’s primary schools. This could be your way back into paid employment. No childcare required and you would be volunteering/working term-time only.
We have 3 DC. 2 DC at Primary School. Youngest DC is a SEN child and I work PT school hours within Local Government. I’ve worked both FT and PT over the years in different services & roles in order to be able to negotiate my current flexibility. I am not a high earner. DP is. We reluctantly paid for expensive childcare for several years even though it swallowed most of my salary, to enable me to keep my foot in the door with paid employment/work experience. We all have choices to make. I sometimes work over my current contracted hours in order to keep up with an impossible workload. It’s not ideal and is why I’m looking at moving on. We both cannot work long hours and also be fully present for our DC.
DP worked abroad during weekdays on & off for several years. This had to change when we had DC2. I was working FT after returning to work from Mat Leave, had no additional support from family as they’re not close by or work. I was struggling and felt like a single parent during the week. Therefore, DP stopped working abroad and became self-employed.
DP now owns multiple businesses, so life is still busy but he makes time to attend most DC’s medical appointments and quality family time during weekends. He’s on call 24/7, including when we’re on holiday. He’ll deal with most business emails & calls early and hit the hotel gym before breakfast. He will then help with DC before we all eat breakfast together. He’ll then be present for the rest of the daily holiday activities (bar occasionally checking his phone for anything urgent).
It’s simply not possible to have it all. Sacrifices have to be made somewhere. DP does some AM school runs and collects one DC from an after-school activity club once a week. He sometimes pops home between travelling between businesses to shower our youngest DC. I sort dinner, assist with the DC’s reading & homework and do weekday eve bedtime routines alone.
We’ve been juggling the school holidays with the youngest two DC as one DC doesn’t like going to holiday clubs and I’ve been WFH since the first lockdown. DP takes time out of his working day at least a couple of times per week during the school holidays to take the DC swimming, etc. DP’s suggestion, not mine. I used to accuse DP of being a workaholic, but he had to re-prioritise once DC2 was born and I had returned to FT work from Mat Leave.
We outsource gardening, window cleaning and we (I) could do with a cleaner (will do one day-long story/off topic). DP works long hours outside of the home, so is expected to share all of the household tasks 50/50. He does some during weekends.
I think it’s really important for you to make steps to source volunteer work, get a PT job &/or retrain ASAP. Never give up your financial independence.