Husband's work taking over family life.

[Nextquestionplease]

Husband is a high earner, who takes on additional work to the extent that our younger child wants to cut the computer in half, to stop him working and spend time with us going out or in the house.
He helps get them ready for school and bed, but it's like he's part-time help for an hour in the morning and two hours at night.
There's no companionship.
He takes work on holiday (one holiday a year), works the day before we go and goes back the following morning.
He sleeps separately so he can wake up early to work before going to work, or stays up late working.
He's angry if I challenge him and walked out when I got angry about the amount of work he's doing. I'm terrified he'll disappear if/when I I challenge him again.
He wants to be in charge.
I want to have a life.

@Nextquestionplease

Bingo Nutribullet. If I work, that's exactly what will happen. Kitchen things break, I fix them or arrange repairs - shed needs sorting out, I do it - house needs painting outside looking grotty, I arrange it and he protests cos it doesn't need doing even though its peeling - he wants a holiday (!), asks me to research it but I've said I'm not doing it again as I'm not going away if he takes project work with. I'm not waking up every morning to the sound of a dictaphone or typing. I do want to work but not until all are in secondary school and I'll have no more school run. I have no energy left as my parents need help too. Still need holiday cover tho...

These are things people fit around work. He works a lot but also I can't figure out why you can't? Maybe instead of working two jobs, he could work one, and you work one? Then he gets more time with the kids.

@Comtesse

He’s not ignoring the kids if he’s with them 3 hours a day doing practical things. He might be ignoring you though, fair enough, but that’s not him checking out of family life. The fact that you can’t discuss it and he gets bad tempered about it dies not sound good at all.

But do think you could be more flexible on some stuff. E.g. I don’t get why you feel you can’t go for an afternoon out - it doesn’t have to be a whole day to be worthwhile.

Umm but why can’t he ever, like one single day a year, do a family day out? I don’t think you do need to compromise, or more accurately there isn’t any compromise happening.

My dad checked out because he didn't know how to relate to children, especially a girl. He admitted as much once I was an adult.

With regards to days out I do understand. My OH will get out of bed at 1 (not the same I know) and sometimes it makes my blood boil and I think the whole day is ruined but it's only 15 minutes to our nearest park, at least an hour there and then 15 minutes back. Trips to the zoo etc would be harder to fit in I understand. Things can still be done just not exactly in the way you hoped.

The other problem you have is his attitude to you and your needs. My OH during lockdown was going to work for 10am and coming home at 7pm. I told him that I needed him to come home earlier as I never saw him, so to everyone's suprise he started going to work for before 9am and coming home earlier (for a few months anyway then I went back to the office too). He listened and adjusted because he cares. It's much harder to negotiate with someone who doesn't even want to have the conversation.

The children don't want to wait till 1 to go out, they feel they come second to work.
Cos of where we live, we need an hour to get out into the countryside or longer to get to a river.
And who wants to go out at 1 pm in November or January to arrive 2 or later when it's not so bright?

It's the feeling of having to fit around his dedication to earning money.
Even his siblings tell him to slow down.

One day a yr.
What is the point, my friend is like this. He can retire, but he works every day.
He said to me, 'I wake up every day and love the challenges'.
I asked him about his wife, 'She's not important'.

His wife seems happy to live in a large house, drive Maserati, and have a family holiday a yr.
Although she did say it would be lovely to be romanced, he just went off on one about providing security etc.

Personally, I'm actively involved in the kids' lives, they're not in after/before school clubs I and Mrs. Hr spend every day together for hrs on end. We do stuff all the time, every week.
The business is run to suit the family/relationship, not the other way around.
I'm shocked at the advice, to put up or shut up.

It's the feeling of having to fit around his dedication to earning money.

A bit like your dedication to your children despite putting yourself into a hole? You've both put yourselves into very inflexible roles, both with a sense of entitlement, with no empathy or understanding of the other person. You've got a complete break down in communication, completely different priorities, you need to talk and meet in the middle.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation many years ago except that she worked part time (DCs went to childcare). She saved up enough for a deposit to rent a nearby flat, rented it and told her DH that she was leaving. She left him the children to sort out - so he was forced to deal with them. It was an eye opener when he realised that he didn't even know where to drop the children off at school!
He did fortunately see the error of his ways and adjusted his work/life balance accordingly. They got back together and are still together now. He has managed to build a very successful business in spite of cutting down on his working hours (to somewhere near normal expected levels).

I am intrigued as to what his salary is for working all these hours?

It doesn't sound great, but it does sound as if you have quite a few children and that he is involved.

Personally, I would rather have someone commited to work than work shy.

He spends an hour with the children in the morning and two hours at night?

He works up until the day before you go on holiday and is then back to work the day after you get back?

Isn't that all normal?

Back to life.
Normal to work 7 days a week?
Year in year out?

Op you seem to have a lot of excuses as to why you cannot work or study. You state have no knowledge of his income so he is controlling financially and emotionally distant. You do not seem compatible at all. Maybe it is time to think about divorce because clearly the situation now is not good for any of you

I am so confused by this thread.

Why is he working 2 jobs? Is it because he wants to… or needs to? Most “high earner” jobs, of the type that is being assumed here ( lawyer, banker, professional services, £250k+) don’t allow for additional “project work”. Possible he doesn’t earn as much as you think and is struggling to keep up as the sole earner?

He is looking after the kids for an hour in the morning and two hours in the evening. Is that with you OP? Alongside you? That seems a reasonable amount of weekday involvement for a working parent of school aged kids.

When you say he works at the weekends … literally every day of every weekend in the year? Is that on his first job, or on his “project work” job?What has he said when you have asked him to free up some time? eg if you asked for a day per fortnight for family trips? Does he say he can’t because of a deadline, or because he won’t earn enough, or that he just doesn’t want to? Or if he frees up time at the weekend does that mean he won’t be able to help out so much with the kids in the week?

You say he works during the holidays, but then I think you made reference to the 6 week school holidays. Do you mean he doesn’t take any time off at all? Or do you mean he takes some days off with the family (e.g. a weeks leave), but other days of the school holidays he has to work (which would be normal)? Or is her perhaps trying to compromise by working flexibly, working mornings during the holidays and taking afternoons off, rather than taking full days off?

I suppose what I am getting at OP is what are your expectations of what his work/family/rest pattern should look like? Because it seems to me that your expectations might (and I do mean might) be a bit off. I say this as a high earning sole wage earner with a SAH DH and school aged kids.

Corporate law in the City? Dh and I walked away from that less money but actually get to see our kids…

@MsTSwift

Corporate law in the City? Dh and I walked away from that less money but actually get to see our kids…

Brave move @MsTSwift but I bet one that your kids will benefit from!

I’m struggling to understand how a working parent who spends 3 hours a day with their children can be described as disengaged from them. Honestly, OP, something isn’t adding up here.

You do sound bored tho. Do you do things together just as a couple? What do you do to keep yourself engaged while all the kids are at school? That’s minimum 25 hours a week you’ve got to yourself.

Lots to answer.
In a nutshell - the time he spends with them is eating and helping to get dressed.
I have to continually ask him to play with them, to develop their skills and get off gadgets.
They are v attached to me and come to me first as they've got used to him working every day, year-round.
Sat & Sun am as a minimum he's working 3 hours in the am at home.
I do things to keep myself busy but I want time with my husband - not him to go off upstairs and work or go to bed after dinner.(8 pm sat night cos he woke up at 6 to work).
He has little patience with the children when we go out - he gets bored and resents spending the money - unless its somewhere he wants to go.
He helps early am before going to work and 2 hrs max, sometimes 1, in the evening.
I don't have a problem with that cos it's a working day.
I do have a problem with not even being taken out for dinner or asked if I'd like a special Covid takeaway dinner for my birthday!
Had to work in his place of work today (arranged a few weeks ago), working tomorrow and all last week incl Bank hols.
He knew it was Xmas school hols as I wrote it in his work diary - he chose to work rather than be with us and took his laptop on his son's outing yesterday.🤦‍♀️

So, its 2 issues.
The hiding of money and the work.
He doesn't gamble but how would I know?
I'll continue compiling list of assets so we can devise our wills.
Also discuss how children will benefit financially from his work.
I can tolerate the work if it will help our children.
We need to discuss finances and then I'll have a better idea of how he views me.
If he still hides them, then I'm not his equal and he can sod off.
If he opens up, then maybe we can pull in the same direction.

I think, as other posters have said, you have had a complete communications breakdown. There seems so little empathy between you.

It sounds like he has completely checked out, which must be awful for you. But I have to say I have a lot of sympathy for him too. You don’t seem to know, or want to know, the first thing about his needs either. It is not even close to being a partnership. Each of you are only taking from the other.

This bit seems critical to me He's walked out once and said he came back for the children. Wouldn't attend counselling. this combined with sleeping in separate beds, “no companionship” and that he seems to be actively avoiding spending time with you, implies that once the children are grown he will be gone.

Twinkle, extra work comes up with a deadline and he won't turn it down.
He takes a rare day off from the computer then complains its cost him money.
He is well paid in his job and can fit in extra work in evenings, before work, weekends and on paid holiday leave.

Exactly Twinkle, I asked him what he'd like from me and he says just a quiet life.
He won't talk with me.
It's hard to feel empathy for a man who got shopping for a family member and then was late for a very important medical appointment with me.
I had to attend by myself despite asking him and him agreeing to come.

I would advise you to get some legal and financial advice OP to protect yourself for the future.

And honestly, I think if you want to continue your marriage longer term you need to go for counselling. Ideally with your DH, but if he won’t go then you should go yourself.

I don’t see any way you will be able to get what you want from your relationship without significant action.

How are you feeling about it?

Thanks Twinkle - nothing I haven't already done or thought of.
🌻

Feel that its time to pick up on the things I let slide due to lockdowns.

You mentioned upthread that you had been planning to retrain and look for a job but the plague put a stop to that - how did he react to this at the time?

My DH is a nurse and is gone before the children wake and doesn't get home untill an hour after they have all gone to bed. He is certainly not a high earner. In his rare days off it is spent catching up on essential household chores like grocery shopping, household bills, diy jobs etc..
I also work full time.
3 hours to spend with the children each day is huge. I think you are being very unreasonable. For days on end our children dont see their fathers while he earns a low but much needed wage and the days they do see him, there wouldnt be enough hours in the day for their father to spend 3 of them with them. I think you are being selfish and your poor husband must be exhausted and not getting much appreciation. It's fine to say that your child wants to cut his computer in half, but am not sure how your child would feel when holidays are skipped and treats are no longer