Husband's work taking over family life.

[Nextquestionplease]

Husband is a high earner, who takes on additional work to the extent that our younger child wants to cut the computer in half, to stop him working and spend time with us going out or in the house.
He helps get them ready for school and bed, but it's like he's part-time help for an hour in the morning and two hours at night.
There's no companionship.
He takes work on holiday (one holiday a year), works the day before we go and goes back the following morning.
He sleeps separately so he can wake up early to work before going to work, or stays up late working.
He's angry if I challenge him and walked out when I got angry about the amount of work he's doing. I'm terrified he'll disappear if/when I I challenge him again.
He wants to be in charge.
I want to have a life.

Santa, exactly! The emotional support - or lack of it.😔
I think I've got used to not having it.
If I need food or drink when I'm I'll, I have to ask him for it or I'll starve.
He's walked out once and said he came back for the children.
Wouldn't attend counselling.
Blamed me for upsetting him and not being able to do his work.
Has always hid his income from me.

The way I read this, is that the three hours each day are just routine morning and bedtime stuff - essential help (more than some women get), but it is time spent doing basic parenting - it is not 'fun' or quality time, and most importantly, it is not time spent on the relationship with OP.

OP, Separate in your mind how much you want 'family time' so that he has a better relationship with the children, and how much you want 'family time' so that he has a better relationship with YOU. If he essentially gives YOU no attention, no friendship, no quality engagement, no adult conversation, no romance, then the marriage is essentially dead.

Lay it on the line. Tell him your marriage may be heading toward divorce (only if you really mean it). Maybe it could be resuscitated with regular 'date nights' or similar (if you can get a sitter), but it does sound like he doesn't care and won't care. Maybe he no-longer loves you enough.

Sorry this is not what you want to hear. I hope I am wrong.

You're not going to change him. He doesn't want to change.

So what are you going to do? Stay or leave?

He gets more fulfilment from his job than his wife/family.
Ask him to change, if he won’t you suck it up or split up.

It sounds as though, in his eyes, you and DC are props to uphold his image of a respectable, successful man (he has the wife&kids box ticked, therefore he is 'normal'). He's not interested in you in the least.

Is his work the type of thing that is really a vocation, though? (You obviously don't have to be specific.) If he's fighting injustice or researching a cure for cancer or whatever then his attitude is perhaps a little more understandable, but it's still very hard on you and DC.

Don't be too stressed by the various twats telling you to get a job - they clearly don't understand that holding down a job when you are the main or sole carer for a child with special needs is almost impossible.

It may be that the best solution is to write him off as a partner and companion, but consider the marriage a deal by which you get adequate financial support for yourself and DC - and start working out how to make an enjoyable life for the rest of you while he sits in a corner pecking at his laptop indefinitely.

Wreath21 - the financial support is one thing but I'm lonely.
I'm slim, look 10 years younger than my age (lots of moisturizer!) and I've had one of the best looking men in the world flirt with me (which husband hated when I told him). I want to be taken out and feel wanted. I gave up my financial independence to be his wife.

I sympathise OP my DH is self employed and works ridiculous hours sometimes. Often during the week he doesn't see anything at all of our younger child and only sees DD because she stays up later. (I work ft as well) Sorry I don't have any answers!

@dreamsarefree

So he's facilitating a life for you that you can't have alone, he's helping with the DC but it's not enough, you can't work because of the school holidays that plenty of working mums manage to navigate and you're on here complaining? I see why he is spending all his time working. Probably best to leave him and get your own life, I expect you'll be happy to take his £££

So the fact that, in reality, he's completely disengaged from family life is ok, is it?

I can't work as who would look after the children during school hols?

Holiday clubs? Lots of people find solutions to this.

You’re not happy. You want someone who shows interest in you because you feel visible. What does splitting up look like? He’s not going to change so your only option is this miserable life or take the leap and start dating other people. There are plenty of other guys out there and every single woman I know, all of them, different ages and different factors have all found other partners and are all much happier. Every single one who made the leap has zero regrets. Where would you live and what would your income be. Do the math.

So the fact that, in reality, he's completely disengaged from family life is ok, is it?

Depends on what OP wants to give up in exchange for that.

@drpet49

* So he's facilitating a life for you that you can't have alone, he's helping with the DC but it's not enough, you can't work because of the school holidays that plenty of working mums manage to navigate and you're on here complaining? I see why he is spending all his time working.*

^This

Read the OP's posts

Beancounter - good points.
And thank you other posters too.its good to get other opinions.
He isn't fighting injustice or world-beating medical research to save lives.
It's like he's in his own world and everyone else is on the outside.
I even said to him I was ok with it if he worked after lunch on Christmas Day cos he looked slightly miffed (he wasn't, he had too much to drink and slept).Instead he worked 8 hours Boxing Day - took son for a swim cos I asked him to.

Of course you want to be taken out. Your young attractive days are not infinite. You have a shelf life. You’re currently being ignored and sucked dry by a non interested man. Just tell him you want to split because you want a man who will date you. Come on. Be brave. You know you want more and you can have it. Even if you found yourself a weekend lover it would be more than you’re getting right now.

@BoredZelda

I can't work as who would look after the children during school hols?

Holiday clubs? Lots of people find solutions to this.

The OP might have mentioned that the cost of childcare makes it impossible? Because you know like many other families, they would end up with more disposable income with her not working than working. I mean I can’t be the only who ended up in that position…..

To be honest 3 hours a day sounds pretty good. My DH is a high earner and a bit of a workaholic and I don't think he spends 3 hours a day with the children. He takes work on holiday but will fully engages with the kids on days out etc. He'll tend to log on when we're having quiet time/watching TV etc. I think the fact your DH is working long hours and still manages to spend an hour with the children in the morning and 2 hours at night is great (if I'm honest).

Exhaustedddog - that's hard.
Sorry for asking, but if you work fulltime, are you dependant on paid childcare?

[quote Electricbug321]@Santaslittlemelter I’m glad you feel emotionally supported, but is it possible you would not have had a breakdown in the first place of he was doing 50% of the child care?[/quote]
Well yes, there is that but life isn't so simple and it was a combination of many things I'm sure along with a previously undiagnosed predisposition for an anxiety disorder. Definitely not his fault. Lockdown, a few cases of trauma in people close to me, 7 yrs of bad pregnancies, living away from my family (his family are great but it's not the same), working full time....it was all that stuff. I certainly can't blame him because I managed it until I didn't. I know he's proud of how I keep things going and a huge part of my self worth is tied up in my career plus my intense family set up.

I can't blame him because while I'm annoyingly washing dishes and sorting kids to 8 or 9pm, hes on his knees with stress and work till midnight. I still have the better deal.

Sally, we don't have days out cos he'll only go out after a mornings work and then lunch.🤦‍♀️

I need to work out the financials.
Do I include the project work in addition to employed work?

I used to use breakfast and after school club some days but I wasn't full time til they both started secondary school.

@Nextquestionplease

Wreath21 - the financial support is one thing but I'm lonely. I'm slim, look 10 years younger than my age (lots of moisturizer!) and I've had one of the best looking men in the world flirt with me (which husband hated when I told him). I want to be taken out and feel wanted. I gave up my financial independence to be his wife.

Oh come on now OP. That's a bit self indulgent no? If you'd really wanted a career you'd have had one, regardless of his earnings.

I don't know if I want a lover or someone who can make me feel special and laugh.

I'm scared to tell him I want things to change or I'm out. I simply don't know what to do - I'm scared cos he's always hidden his assets.
Separation might happen cos now I'm trying to compile asset lists for our Wills, his possible non-disclosure is a deal breaker for me automatic separation.

You need to go to therapy together. He is addicted to work - workaholic. Or you can go alone and figure out what you want.

Santa, I don't have higher qualifications so I was working my way up from secretarial.
I looked and childcare ate up my fulltime or parttime and studying earnings. Family support not available year-round.

Threaten that you’ll get a forensic accountant.