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Original poster

Argument at midnight NYE

215 replies

yan79 · 01/01/2022 00:51

Hi.
I’ve had a bottle of wine and fallen asleep before
Midnight.
Woke up by the kids at 12:06 (ages 9 & 14) to look at the fireworks (which I promised)
My other half was her (who I don’t live with) and he was awake. I said *** I’m a bit pissed off you didn’t wake me up at 12am for NYE for all of us really. (To say happy new year, to have a kiss, to say hi to the kids. To watch the fireworks)
He’s gone absolutely mad, said I was inappropriate, my fault I was asleep, why should he have to wake me up etc) he’s then proceeded to get up and leave (taxi home-6 miles
Away) when he first kicked off I told him I was recording him On my phone as I thought he was being over the top. Soon after that he stopped shouting, collected his things and left without saying a word.
I’ve lived in an abusive relationship for 15 years prior to this (I know the score). I just wanted to know if I was in the wrong for being pissed off and saying so to him. Or is he the one for shouting in front of the kids and blaming me then leaving?
I’m a bit marred due to the wine?

I’m so angry and upset.

Happy new year every one xx

OP posts:
LowlandsAway · 01/01/2022 10:33

A bottle of wine is not ‘3 drinks’ a standard 750 ml bottle is six 125 ml glasses of wine.

OverTheRubicon · 01/01/2022 10:36

@ClaudiaJ1 what size are your cups? A bottle of wine is 10 units of alcohol.

Lou98 · 01/01/2022 10:36

Exactly this! Recording an abusive partner is recommended by Mumsnet posters, so why the sudden change from some on here?

She did the right thing by recording him

In abusive situations it's recommended to record discreetly with a phone or similar.

The OP started recording halfway through - if she was worried about his reaction she should have started recording before blaming him for not waking her. He had also already said he was leaving when she started recording so she said she started recording to show him that was an over reaction and he was being unreasonable.

Starting an argument then only filming his reaction, not the initial argument is gaslighting and as others have said is something that abusers also do

ClemDanFango · 01/01/2022 10:36

IMO you chose to drink to the point of falling asleep so it’s your own fault you missed midnight. Him shouting and screaming because you moaned at him is completely over the top though he could have just said “it’s your own fault so suck it up” etc. Does he usually overreact to minor squabbles?
Why did you film him though?

liveforsummer · 01/01/2022 10:37

Exactly this! Recording an abusive partner is recommended by Mumsnet posters, so why the sudden change from some on here?

Getting evidence of adult or emotional abuse for prosecution purposes or to help with restraining orders is a bit different to recording someone's annoyed reaction to 'prove' to them they were behaving unreasonably. Not sure how you can conflate the 2.

Fwiw my sister invited dc and I for hers a couple of New Years ago. Said how fun it would be then fell asleep. We tried to wake her once but again she went back to sleep. Worst of it was the remote control was lost and tv was stuck on a channel showing football. I was really pissed off as we could have been elsewhere socialising and having fun. If she'd then woken after midnight and told me she was pissed off I hadn't woken her I'd have been furious, had I drunk a bottle of wine my response may well not have been as measured as if sober either. Leaving to de escalate the situation seemed the wise thing to do in this case though.

liveforsummer · 01/01/2022 10:38

That was supposed to say evidence of physical abuse not sure where adult came from

LowlandsAway · 01/01/2022 10:39

That was to a PP btw not you OP - but the point stands, 125 ml is a standard small glass of wine in UK pubs, a bottle is more alcohol than you think when it hits.

Sounds like both you and your DP aren’t ready to be in relationships, if you find yourself repeating patterns of being with men who blame you and feel the need to prove you’re right by recording your partners arguing you need to gift yourself and your kids a break up and therapy in 2022. This dynamic sounds incredibly unhealthy and in general it sounds like you could benefit from exploring this, it’s not normal to feel the need to record people you’re dating to prove you’re being gaslit.

LjSebs · 01/01/2022 10:40

You both come across as over dramatic. If you feel the need to record someone during an argument then it is not a healthy relationship.

I feel sorry for the kids - having to put up with all this? It is showing them exactly the type of way a relationship shouldn't be and making it out to be normal. Such a shame.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 01/01/2022 10:44

YABU for being in a relationship of 4 years where you still feel the need to record someone. It's not appropriate for you or you children.

Dearblossom · 01/01/2022 10:47

I wouldn't of woken you unless you had asked. You blamed him for your behaviour. Not on. You are angry at yourself. I don't blame him for leaving asap after the filming situ but at least you know you aren't compatible. Bringing bad memories to xmas for your children is not a healthy forwards for any of you. Stop it.

PinkWednesdays · 01/01/2022 10:52

@Monday55

You must've been in deep sleep if the noise of the fireworks didn't wake you up. YABU
YABU for assuming fireworks are held absolutely everywhere and the TV was also loud…
WonderfulYou · 01/01/2022 10:55

YABVU obviously.

It sounds like a very toxic relationship and I feel very sorry for the children in this situation!

If your kids are around let them enjoy their NYs and then once they’re in bed talk to him. They don’t need to see you arguing and him leaving.

You probably would have had an argument if he did wake you up.

PinkWednesdays · 01/01/2022 10:55

@ClaudiaJ1 How big are your glasses of wine?????

liveforsummer · 01/01/2022 10:55

YABU for assuming fireworks are held absolutely everywhere and the TV was also loud…

But we know there were fireworks being held there - wanting to see the fireworks with dc was a huge feature of the post

Monday55 · 01/01/2022 10:57

@PinkWednesdays the kids woke her up as she was missing out on the fireworks. She wanted to be woken up was so she could watch fireworks with the Kids.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/01/2022 10:58

YABU and you provoked him by saying you were recording the conversation. Drink less before midnight if you’re likely to sleep after drinking.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 01/01/2022 11:00

If he woke you up at 11.30 and you couldn't stay awake yourself for half an hour, no way would I have woken you up again. You obviously needed the sleep and tbf, it was just you two on the sofa, he probably thought you could say Happy new year when you woke up later that night or in the morning.

Some NYEs DH and I will just chill at home but often one of us will end up asleep on the sofa. You don't have to say HNY bang on midnight.

Also, yes to recording someone verbally abusing you, no to what you did. Very unfair on him

PinkWednesdays · 01/01/2022 11:00

[quote Monday55]@PinkWednesdays the kids woke her up as she was missing out on the fireworks. She wanted to be woken up was so she could watch fireworks with the Kids.[/quote]
I took that to mean the fireworks on the TV. But yes, I see the other way round too could have meant the fireworks in the sky!

BoredZelda · 01/01/2022 11:04

If someone was calling me a disgrace, I might wonder if they were right.

mumshouse · 01/01/2022 11:06

Your relationship sounds inflammatory. Both of you OTT.

For what it's worth I wouldn't wake up a sleeping person just to hear fireworks outside - unless they had expressly told me to, and I don't think you did. If it was that important you should have stayed awake.

He shouldn't have kicked off and left, but then I don't know how you approached it with him. Only you can say which one of you was in the wrong.

But the fact that you can have fights where one of you needs to leave over such random things doesn't bode well.

SalveVagina · 01/01/2022 11:07

@HeddaGarbled

You are completely unreasonable. You drank a whole bottle of wine and passed out in an alcoholic mess when you’d promised your children you’d watch the fireworks with them, then blamed your completely blameless partner.

You let your children down because you have no control over your drinking. Then picked a fight you had no right to pick.

Sort yourself out.

This. Plus I am incredibly laid back, but even I would be very pissed off if someone started recording me. I don't think I could continue in a relationship with someone who did that.
maddiemookins16mum · 01/01/2022 11:17

@HeddaGarbled

You are completely unreasonable. You drank a whole bottle of wine and passed out in an alcoholic mess when you’d promised your children you’d watch the fireworks with them, then blamed your completely blameless partner.

You let your children down because you have no control over your drinking. Then picked a fight you had no right to pick.

Sort yourself out.

This 100%.
Veryverycalmnow · 01/01/2022 11:17

I think you have remaining issues from your previous relationship that are affecting your current one. How about some counselling and a grown- up conversation with your partner? Sounds like both of you behaved badly.
Lots of people on here are telling you off for drinking but I don't think it's a huge thing drinking a bottle

NoNameHere12 · 01/01/2022 11:19

This is definitely on you, you’ve behaved badly then have the audacity to record him once you’ve had a go at him and wound him up.

No wonder he left you sleeping.

Would you tolerate a man having a go at you for not waking him up?

GrazingSheep · 01/01/2022 11:30

Lots of people on here are telling you off for drinking but I don't think it's a huge thing drinking a bottle

Her children’s father is an alcoholic
NYE was ruined by him drinking
I think the OP would have been wiser not to drink at all for her children’s sake.

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