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Original poster

Argument at midnight NYE

215 replies

yan79 · 01/01/2022 00:51

Hi.
I’ve had a bottle of wine and fallen asleep before
Midnight.
Woke up by the kids at 12:06 (ages 9 & 14) to look at the fireworks (which I promised)
My other half was her (who I don’t live with) and he was awake. I said *** I’m a bit pissed off you didn’t wake me up at 12am for NYE for all of us really. (To say happy new year, to have a kiss, to say hi to the kids. To watch the fireworks)
He’s gone absolutely mad, said I was inappropriate, my fault I was asleep, why should he have to wake me up etc) he’s then proceeded to get up and leave (taxi home-6 miles
Away) when he first kicked off I told him I was recording him On my phone as I thought he was being over the top. Soon after that he stopped shouting, collected his things and left without saying a word.
I’ve lived in an abusive relationship for 15 years prior to this (I know the score). I just wanted to know if I was in the wrong for being pissed off and saying so to him. Or is he the one for shouting in front of the kids and blaming me then leaving?
I’m a bit marred due to the wine?

I’m so angry and upset.

Happy new year every one xx

OP posts:

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 01/01/2022 08:38

‘why didn’t you wake me up at 12?! It’s not a normal night and I’d like to have seen you all’

Did you really just say this, and in such a calm way?

In your first post you said that you told him ‘I’m a bit pissed off…’

I’m sorry but I think there’s more to this. I’m not saying how he reacted was ok, but I suspect that you’re not so innocent in how you started the exchange. Also, if you’re going to start videoing someone, it’s not going to end well at all - all very antagonistic.

It sounds like you’re both best off without each other

daisychain01 · 01/01/2022 08:40

Why didn't you say "I'm feeling tired, I'm going to have a sleep for an hour, please can you or one of the kids wake me up by 11.30"

You can't expect someone to be a mind reader. Take control and think about what you want beforehand rather than having someone else manage your life for you,

Luckyducky75 · 01/01/2022 08:42

Regardless of what happened he should not have acted that way in front of your kids, I wouldn't be seeing him again once that line is crossed.

daisychain01 · 01/01/2022 08:43

He woke me up about 1130

Just seen this!

Jeez, sort yourself out OP, he work you up and you then went back to sleep again. Really? You think he's BU....

daisychain01 · 01/01/2022 08:44

It's definitely a case of BABAEO

Both As Bad As Each Other!

MondayYogurt · 01/01/2022 08:45

I'm confused, because often in abuse situations on MN I've read advice saying to record the abuse.

Now it sounds from PP as if someone recording an incident is classified as an abuser themselves.
When did this change?

Tbh even if a partner yelled at me for not waking them I wouldn't need to shout back. Just get in car and leave. No need to traumatise children by escalating the whole thing.

I don't think either of you is happy and the relationship should end.

anotherbrewplease · 01/01/2022 08:46

Soon after that he stopped shouting, collected his things and left without saying a word.

Hmm - he sounds pretty sensible to me. Not sure I even believe how much he was 'shouting' and over-reacting in the first place.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 01/01/2022 08:46

You'd asked him to wake you up so you could watch the fireworks, which he did, at 11:30. All you then needed to do was to keep yourself awake for 25-30 minutes. Now, unless you suffer from narcolepsy, you would recognise the feelings of starting to nod off and react accordingly up, eg stand up, walk around, to stay awake. Not stay so comfy on the sofa that's it's inevitable you'll nod off again. It can be irritating being the personal alarm clock for another adult, it moves the responsibility on them rather than promote personal responsibility.

I think that when you woke up after midnight you knew you'd messed up, and your annoyance at you DP was actually deflected annoyance at yourself. You say "He always blames me for every argument" and I'm wondering if there's a habit of accusations, of blaming him, and him getting defensive? Could there be a need for both of you to learn better communication? Are you so used to being in an unhealthy relationship (with your ExH) that your default is to be the "victim" perhaps, even when you're not blameless?

Darbs76 · 01/01/2022 08:50

Well unless you asked to be woken don’t blame him, I can imagine being told off for not waking up someone who fell asleep after too much wine and then being recorded is pretty annoying. Sounds like he over reacted but you were unreasonable yes

Braveheart35 · 01/01/2022 08:50

@HeddaGarbled

You are completely unreasonable. You drank a whole bottle of wine and passed out in an alcoholic mess when you’d promised your children you’d watch the fireworks with them, then blamed your completely blameless partner.

You let your children down because you have no control over your drinking. Then picked a fight you had no right to pick.

Sort yourself out.

Have to agree with this. Sorry if harsh but you talk about being in an abusive relationship previously- I spent years watching my mum slump into alcoholic stupors, followed by drunk arguments with my Dad. Your kids deserve better.

peboh · 01/01/2022 08:55

If my dh had woken me up at midnight, I'd have pushed him out of bed.
He wouldn't even think to assume. If I plan to watch the fireworks, I'm a grown adult who can plan my time and evening better to ensure I can watch the fireworks with my own child. I don't need to rely on my partner to make sure I do it. Especially if he isn't the parent. It's not on him to make sure you keep promises to your children. That's on you.
You overreacted, and he was in the right to leave so it didn't escalate further.

KatyAnna · 01/01/2022 08:58

Sorry, but a bottle of wine which you fell asleep afterwards does not sound like being very responsible for your kids, especially as you seem to have left their father who was an alcoholic. Then you have a partner who makes you feel so belittled in arguments and blames you that recording him seems the way to go - not very functional. Can’t you just spend some time with your DC, and cut down on the alcohol? The argument was caused by alcohol.

girlmom21 · 01/01/2022 09:01

OP you said you were just dosing but if you didn't get woken up by the fireworks/your partner and kids saying HNY to each other you were more out of it than you think.

He made a reasonable statement and you started recording him - that's not usual behaviour. That's antagonistic.

I think it's best for both of you that this relationship ends and you work on yourself for a while

Calamitydrayne · 01/01/2022 09:05

Is it possible he might have been a teensy bit pissed off that you got drunk and fell asleep after he came round to see the new year in with you?

Calamitydrayne · 01/01/2022 09:07

And I agree, recording him in a situation like that could have looked antagonistic and confrontational. It doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship if this is happening.

lothermand · 01/01/2022 09:08

You're a 'responsible' adultto be 'mad' about your partner not waking you up is, quite frankly, ridiculous! To even think about recording the situation is questionable.

If you've been in an abusive relationship, maybe this is what's triggering your reactions, you need to work on yourself before having another relationship, if not for yourself, then definitely for your DC.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 01/01/2022 09:08

he was lucky to get a taxi

Ovenaffray · 01/01/2022 09:12

He did wake you.

You were then belligerent because you fell back to sleep again.
Who was watching your kids when you were sleeping?

The recording was provocative

You need help. Your drinking is a problem.

The relationship is not healthy. Best all round to call it quiet.

Ovenaffray · 01/01/2022 09:12

*quits

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 01/01/2022 09:28

YABVVU. He woke you at 11.30 and then you fell asleep again. You are a grown woman not a toddler that needs to woken up for a treat. I don't blame him for leaving. Falling asleep twice and then having a go at him. You don't sound like you were much fun to spend NYE with.

DH or I have slept through more NYEs than we have been awake for. It used to be accidental like you , a few drinks and one or other of us would fall asleep. It made me realise it really doesn't matter if you don't see the New Year in. Nowadays it's deliberate I don't drink on NYE and go to bed early because I prefer that to staying up to an arbitrary hour. I can wish people a HNY just as well and sincerely at 10.30pm or at any time on Jan 1st. Just like you did at 12.06.

kickupafuss · 01/01/2022 09:29

I wouldn't have been happy if I'd come to spend NYE with a partner and they'd fallen asleep on me. If they'd then had a go at me for not waking them, even though I'd tried waking them once, I'd have got a taxi home too.

ShepherdMoons · 01/01/2022 09:31

It's not uncommon for people to drink a bottle of wine on NYE. Really though it's unfair to blame your partner for not waking you up, I would have thought that you'd want to sleep it off.

Best course of action would be to apologise and accept you've been a bit of an idiot. Then maybe make it up to the kids with a nice brunch.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 01/01/2022 09:31

@daisychain01

Why didn't you say "I'm feeling tired, I'm going to have a sleep for an hour, please can you or one of the kids wake me up by 11.30"

You can't expect someone to be a mind reader. Take control and think about what you want beforehand rather than having someone else manage your life for you,

He DID wake her up at 11.30! But she fell asleep again. A sleep so deep that not even the fireworks and the kids wishing one another HNY woke her.

AlDanvers · 01/01/2022 09:33

@MondayYogurt

I'm confused, because often in abuse situations on MN I've read advice saying to record the abuse.

Now it sounds from PP as if someone recording an incident is classified as an abuser themselves.
When did this change?

Tbh even if a partner yelled at me for not waking them I wouldn't need to shout back. Just get in car and leave. No need to traumatise children by escalating the whole thing.

I don't think either of you is happy and the relationship should end.

Recording abuse, starting an argument then recording a reaction is co every different.

The dp didn't traumatise the children, did they? If the children were traumatised it was because the op decided another adult was responsible for her plans.

ShepherdMoons · 01/01/2022 09:33

I'm not saying you have a drinking problem (like I said before, many people have a lot to drink on NYE) but you might rethink in future about alcohol after this episode. Alcohol causes a lot of problems, arguments and chaos. Sometimes it's better to just have one glass or soft drinks.

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