Argument at midnight NYE

[yan79]

Hi.
I’ve had a bottle of wine and fallen asleep before
Midnight.
Woke up by the kids at 12:06 (ages 9 & 14) to look at the fireworks (which I promised)
My other half was her (who I don’t live with) and he was awake. I said *** I’m a bit pissed off you didn’t wake me up at 12am for NYE for all of us really. (To say happy new year, to have a kiss, to say hi to the kids. To watch the fireworks)
He’s gone absolutely mad, said I was inappropriate, my fault I was asleep, why should he have to wake me up etc) he’s then proceeded to get up and leave (taxi home-6 miles
Away) when he first kicked off I told him I was recording him On my phone as I thought he was being over the top. Soon after that he stopped shouting, collected his things and left without saying a word.
I’ve lived in an abusive relationship for 15 years prior to this (I know the score). I just wanted to know if I was in the wrong for being pissed off and saying so to him. Or is he the one for shouting in front of the kids and blaming me then leaving?
I’m a bit marred due to the wine?

I’m so angry and upset.

Happy new year every one xx

@MondayYogurt

I'm confused, because often in abuse situations on MN I've read advice saying to record the abuse.

Now it sounds from PP as if someone recording an incident is classified as an abuser themselves.
When did this change?

Tbh even if a partner yelled at me for not waking them I wouldn't need to shout back. Just get in car and leave. No need to traumatise children by escalating the whole thing.

I don't think either of you is happy and the relationship should end.

I think the advice to 'record the abuse' is more about keeping a proper record of an abusive relationship, dates, times, what happened, who witnessed it, if medical help was needed, bank statements if possible to prove financial abuse, photographs of injuries, anything that can help prove a case. Possibly this would include keeping abusive text messages, voicemails, or actual recordings and videos of abusive behaviour. Record as in "keep a proper record" rather than record as in "film it as it happens".

But there is also a trend of abusers using recordings and videos as part of the abuse as well and use these recordings against their victims. Including by provoking an argument and then recording the other person to prove it was them doing the shouting or arguing, often with threats to play it to other people so they can see how bad the person being recorded is, or just to play back and humiliate the person they recorded. There have been recent cases in the news where recordings of abuse have helped to secure convictions, but also on TV there was the Yasmine and Geoff storyline where he filmed himself abusing her as another way to humiliate her.

He woke you up at 11.30!! .

Your poor kid's is all I can say. Bet they had a great time while you argued over fuck all.

@MondayYogurt

I'm confused, because often in abuse situations on MN I've read advice saying to record the abuse.

Now it sounds from PP as if someone recording an incident is classified as an abuser themselves.
When did this change?

Tbh even if a partner yelled at me for not waking them I wouldn't need to shout back. Just get in car and leave. No need to traumatise children by escalating the whole thing.

I don't think either of you is happy and the relationship should end.

Exactly this! Recording an abusive partner is recommended by Mumsnet posters, so why the sudden change from some on here?

She did the right thing by recording him.

I think too many AIBU vipers have seen this thread in Trending Now and come on to comment.

@Ovenaffray

He did wake you.

You were then belligerent because you fell back to sleep again.
Who was watching your kids when you were sleeping?

The recording was provocative

You need help. Your drinking is a problem.

The relationship is not healthy. Best all round to call it quiet.

Oh give over @Ovenaffray . It was New Years Eve. She had a bottle of wine, which is equivalent to 3 drinks. I am sure most of us have at least 3 drinks on New Years Eve!

I wouldn't have woken you up either. Why film him, thats aggravating him. You woke up in a bad mood, he left. He did the right thing.

I didn’t have any drinks on New Year’s Eve. I don’t know how much you think is in a bottle but a standard bottle is 7 standard drinks.

Tbh I'd have been annoyed if you'd blamed me for you being asleep too. What was wrong with just saying happy nee year rather then having a go?! He over reacted but filming it is very odd. Why would you do that? Not surprised he was cross.

@SnoopyLights No, the advice is generally to record abuse with your phone or a hidden camera. It has always been the advice, in the relationships section on here, which is where the OP posted.

Grow up. If you want to be awake at midnight you keep yourself awake, you're an adult. He'd already woken you up once. You decided to go back to sleep, you can't have been that wedded to the idea of seeing midnight.
You sound very immature and dramatic.

'No, the advice is generally to record abuse with your phone or a hidden camera. It has always been the advice, in the relationships section on here, which is where the OP posted.'

She seems to be the abusive one here perhaps here, dp should have been filming her?

Exactly this! Recording an abusive partner is recommended by Mumsnet posters, so why the sudden change from some on here?

She did the right thing by recording him.

Do yiu understand nuance?

Calling the police on the abusers also advised. But also the abusers themselves, call the police claiming their vinyl s is abusing them.

Its easy for one thing to be advice for a victim AND something abusers do.

All her video would ah w shown was him being annoyed. Not what actually started it off. So ots only half a story with her behaviour missing.

But there is also a trend of abusers using recordings and videos as part of the abuse as well and use these recordings against their victims. Including by provoking an argument and then recording the other person to prove it was them doing the shouting or arguing, often with threats to play it to other people so they can see how bad the person being recorded is, or just to play back and humiliate the person they recorded. There have been recent cases in the news where recordings of abuse have helped to secure convictions, but also on TV there was the Yasmine and Geoff storyline where he filmed himself abusing her as another way to humiliate her.

This! My abusive ex used to start huge arguments and then start recording me half way through so he could “prove” I was the abusive one and “unhinged”. That’s awful behaviour and absolutely gaslighting and from your post doesn’t sound too dissimilar to what’s happened here?

IMO it’s abusive and highly manipulative to start filming someone in the middle of a row that you’ve started.

Sounds like a highly toxic situation where you’re very keen to paint yourself as the victim. IMO you were massively the one in the wrong here and he did the right thing by leaving.

Very immature and irresponsible behaviour all round. It's the kids I feel sorry for

I'm sorry you have had a bad start to 2022, let's hope it is all upwards from here.
I think that your present attitude may be in reaction to your past relationship?

I wanted to make sure that I was awake for midnight so I set 2 alarms. I don't think you should blame your DBF unless you specifically asked him to wake you, and he agreed, and then forgot.

You definitely should not be recording your DBF unless he has already been abusive. If he has already been abusive you shouldn't be with him.

Sorry, I have only read your OP (I am very tired and about to go to sleep) so you have probably already covered this, but if you haven't seen a counsellor before, it might be a good idea to do so, and if you have, see another one?

I hope that you have a great 2022 OP, after this blip start 💐

4 years of this.

Your poor children.

What a miserable start to another miserable year, being collateral damage to your choices.

How about you consider what life is like for your children for the 20% of time that your partner behaves like this?

How do you think they are going to look back on their childhood?

God love them.
Drunken fighting on NYE🙄

What a legacy.
Just awful.

You were drunk and asleep, that's on you

Sorry to add this on late but every time we row he says I’m being the ‘victim’ or blames me for provoking. So this row tonight is nothing unusual

But you WERE provoking. By blaming him then by recording. Recording in its self is extremely provocative and isn't going to 'prove' anything

He over reacts to everything (blaming me)

He always blames me for every argument

How many arguments do you have? Have many of those are in front of the kids? Do you not see what damage you’re doing to your kids in jumping from one toxic relationship to another?

What happened last night was partly your fault. You can’t blame someone else for you getting pissed, falling asleep, and missing seeing in the New Year with your kids.

Get your act together, and put your kids first.

I've reread the posts and find it ironic that you say he never takes responsibility for arguments when he's in the wrong, but it appears that can't either! You say you guess you must be out of order because the majority say so but you don't think you are.

[quote ClaudiaJ1]@SnoopyLights No, the advice is generally to record abuse with your phone or a hidden camera. It has always been the advice, in the relationships section on here, which is where the OP posted.[/quote]
Is that advice intended for situations where you get pished, pass out, then pick a fight with your partner for not doing something (fairly trivial) that they actually DID do?

You must've been in deep sleep if the noise of the fireworks didn't wake you up. YABU

You were both unreasonable. You for getting drunk and expecting your partner to read your mind and wake you, and him for shouting. In his shoes I would have wondered why I was in a relationship with someone who couldn't control their drinking and then blamed me for letting them sleep on.

Of the two you were the most unreasonable.

If you're feeling the need to record your partner then you shouldn't really be together.

(I'm not saying you weren't justified in recording them)

I actually don't think you are to blame the whole thing sounds a bit silly between you both. Cuddling on the sofa after wine late in the evening, it's likely that someone is going to fall asleep.

My partner fell asleep last night after saying we'd watch the fireworks. I left him and thought that next year we'd plan to be out the house to avoid falling asleep. I didn't wake him up and shout at him and declare our relationship over.

If you've previously been in an abusive relationship and these are frequent arguments (which it might not be the case, but you've said he's difficult), it might be worth reconsidering so you can have a peaceful life.

He sounds petty and childish but YWBU (firstly for not taking responsibility for watching the fireworks yourself, and more so for recording him).