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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument at midnight NYE

215 replies

yan79 · 01/01/2022 00:51

Hi.
I’ve had a bottle of wine and fallen asleep before
Midnight.
Woke up by the kids at 12:06 (ages 9 & 14) to look at the fireworks (which I promised)
My other half was her (who I don’t live with) and he was awake. I said *** I’m a bit pissed off you didn’t wake me up at 12am for NYE for all of us really. (To say happy new year, to have a kiss, to say hi to the kids. To watch the fireworks)
He’s gone absolutely mad, said I was inappropriate, my fault I was asleep, why should he have to wake me up etc) he’s then proceeded to get up and leave (taxi home-6 miles
Away) when he first kicked off I told him I was recording him On my phone as I thought he was being over the top. Soon after that he stopped shouting, collected his things and left without saying a word.
I’ve lived in an abusive relationship for 15 years prior to this (I know the score). I just wanted to know if I was in the wrong for being pissed off and saying so to him. Or is he the one for shouting in front of the kids and blaming me then leaving?
I’m a bit marred due to the wine?

I’m so angry and upset.

Happy new year every one xx

OP posts:
ClaudiaJ1 · 01/01/2022 02:32

He sounds like a very aggressive and nasty person, why are you with him? Your children deserve better. He has serious issues and a seriously massive chip on his shoulder. Why be with someone who speaks to you like you're dirt? Why model that as an acceptable relationship to your kids? Seriously if he 'never' accepts responsibility and acts like this a bit, you'd have to have low self esteem to be with him, you're in an abusive relationship and you are worth so much more. Make today the start of the new year without him. You tell him it's over, for good.

Yummypumpkin · 01/01/2022 02:35

@PyongyangKipperbang

get rid.

You have gone straight into another abusive relationship.

Being single and going through the Freedom Program should be your NY resolution

This is certainly the response OP is angling for.

Sadly, I suspect her own lack of emotional awareness and ability to interpret current events as separate from her past, mean that this is not an abusive relationship but a toxic one. I think she would be better advised to look to other solutions, not least because 1 in 2 women on here in an abusive relationship seems to blithely say they've "done the Freedom project".

Lou98 · 01/01/2022 02:41

He did wake you though, at 11:30! If I'd woken someone at 11:30 and they fell back asleep for a second time knowing the bells were in half an hour, I would assume they were tired and wanted to be left asleep. If the bells were that important, you should have stayed up at half 11 when he woke you.
It does sound like he overreacted slightly but I do think this was your fault. I also don't understand why you started recording him when he had already said he was leaving. I could understand if he refused to leave or similar but he already wanted to go.

However, it does sound like there's more to it though and if the relationship isn't making you happy, you should end things

ClaudiaJ1 · 01/01/2022 02:47

@Lou98

He did wake you though, at 11:30! If I'd woken someone at 11:30 and they fell back asleep for a second time knowing the bells were in half an hour, I would assume they were tired and wanted to be left asleep. If the bells were that important, you should have stayed up at half 11 when he woke you. It does sound like he overreacted slightly but I do think this was your fault. I also don't understand why you started recording him when he had already said he was leaving. I could understand if he refused to leave or similar but he already wanted to go.

However, it does sound like there's more to it though and if the relationship isn't making you happy, you should end things

@Lou98 How is any of this her fault? She merely asked him a question. That's all! And he didn't over-react 'slightly' he over-reacted massively, hence her recording to prove it to him later. He is completely at fault, not the OP.
Lou98 · 01/01/2022 02:53

@ClaudiaJ1 I disagree. She said in the OP she said she told him she was pissed off, then in the replies that he "could've woken her" - she's blamed him for not waking her up - even though he did, half an hour before and she chose to go back to sleep. As I said it was an overreaction but I wouldn't appreciate being blamed by my partner for them sleeping through the bells when he did actually wake her (which she never mentioned in the OP)

As I said, there's clearly more to the relationship but purely going by tonight, he is definitely not "completely at fault"

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 01/01/2022 02:58

You’re obviously not happy, once you get to the point of having to voice record someone to ‘prove’ your point, then honestly there is absolutely no point in continuing.
Between the two of you you have ruined NYE for your DC.
You’ve been in an abusive relationship before so you know the score. I don’t get why you are doing it again . Put your DC first and start the year afresh, without someone you need to reach for you phone in an argument . It’s the least you can do for them.

LessTime · 01/01/2022 03:31

This is very sad. It's a bad relationship. He sounds like a jerk. I think you would be better off without him. It's really unfair and unhealthy for your kids.
A bottle of wine each is excessive but that's by the by.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 01/01/2022 03:48

I think its half (or more) the issue, rather than by the by.

Feelsunfair · 01/01/2022 03:55

It's pretty fucking abusive recording someone else without their permission in circumstances like this.

Stormyinacoffeemug · 01/01/2022 04:18

I think the OP is mostly at fault here.
I think we have not been told the whole situation. Do you have issues with drink yourself OP? Did you have more than 1 bottle? He woke you up and you fell asleep again despite him telling you it was 11:30 and you'd promised your kids. You then blamed him and recorded him - He also knows of your past right? He probably saw that as an accusation, that's why he packed and left.

Most importantly, who was responsible for your children while you were asleep after the wine?

FridaRose · 01/01/2022 04:39

@pog100

A bottle of wine between two people over an evening isn't a drink problem for god's sake! It's also entirely normal, at least in my family, to want to see the New Year in, on the dot, with all the family. I would most definitely expect all sleeping members to be roused in time, glasses filled etc. He sounds like a total drama llama, let him go.
They drank a bottle each.
FridaRose · 01/01/2022 04:43

Kids had every NYE ruined by an alcoholic father, and you drink a bottle of wine and fall asleep (nod off, whatever). Don't you think it's unfair as it may trigger them?

Your bf then follows to upset them more by shouting - what a horrid home situation you created for your already suffering children.

Sober up, don't drink a full bottle of wine when kids will see you, break up with the bloke (or agree to never shout with the kids at home, ever again).

Janeandjohnny · 01/01/2022 04:51

@yan79

Yes, I shouldn’t have recorded him. I absolutely agree. I’ve had such a bad time over the past few years being blamed for argument (even with current partner. He never accepts responsibility) always blames me for being ‘the victim’ I just thought If I recorded him he may see how unreasonable he was being. Sorry to add this on late but every time we row he says I’m being the ‘victim’ or blames me for provoking. So this row tonight is nothing unusual 😞
Read your posts. You are intent on finding and using the word 'blame'. This is not healthy.
RantyAunty · 01/01/2022 05:00

How much arguing is going on and what about?

Does he shout a lot?

How much does he usually drink?

mathanxiety · 01/01/2022 05:02

I was bored, he wasn’t talking I nodded off. I wasn’t unconscious, as I said I just nodded .

Now you are blaming him being boring for you falling asleep.

You were asleep at 11.30, he woke you, and you fell back asleep so soundly that you slept right through the fireworks.

It's not other people's job to entertain you to keep you from falling asleep. It's your responsibility to stay sober and awake if being awake is important to you.

No, he shouldn't have shouted. But you drank all that wine and this wasn't your best moment. You owe an unconditional apology to your children, and you need to do better by them in 2022.

Starrylight · 01/01/2022 05:04

Sounds like you were both full of drink 🤷‍♀️

Starrylight · 01/01/2022 05:08

To be fair... 'happy New Year Kids!' - as they shake pissed mum awake.. Ain't exactly great is it mate? 🤷‍♀️😂

Explosivefarts · 01/01/2022 05:16

Recording him was not a normal thing to do . No wonder he left .

Explosivefarts · 01/01/2022 05:37

Sorry OP that was harsh of me I’m sure it will all seem better in the morning after you both sleep it off .

Tomlettegregg · 01/01/2022 05:47

You know you're in the wrong now but I have to say he did already wake you up at 11.30 and you fell asleep again - what on earth do you want? I cannot stand being woken up and wouldn't dream of waking anyone else unless it was a genuine emergency. I imagine many people feel the same.

StruggleStreet · 01/01/2022 06:04

Sorry OP but you need to do better for your children. My father was an alcoholic when I was a child so I know some of what they must be feeling. They need to know that they have one parent who is absolutely dependable. Im in my 30s now and still find it quite triggering to be around drunk people, it must have been upsetting for your children to have to see you drunk like that, falling asleep and arguing with your partner when they had wanted to celebrate with you.

I know it’s normal to have a few glasses of wine on a special occasion, but I think you need to consider what it must be like for your kids to see you like that. Alcohol is really not an essential thing, you could quite easily provide an alcohol free environment for them.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 01/01/2022 06:11

Do you actually want to be with him? Are you happy?

It's can be difficult to recognise what a healthy relationship is after you've been with an abusive partner for a long time. You recording him isn't normal. That's a symptom of an unhealthy relationship. I can't say whether you were in the wrong or he was, but it almost doesn't really matter. It sounds like this relationship isn't doing you any good. Might be time to rethink.

Hope you got some decent sleep OP. Happy new year.

anon12345678901 · 01/01/2022 06:50

[quote Lou98]@ClaudiaJ1 I disagree. She said in the OP she said she told him she was pissed off, then in the replies that he "could've woken her" - she's blamed him for not waking her up - even though he did, half an hour before and she chose to go back to sleep. As I said it was an overreaction but I wouldn't appreciate being blamed by my partner for them sleeping through the bells when he did actually wake her (which she never mentioned in the OP)

As I said, there's clearly more to the relationship but purely going by tonight, he is definitely not "completely at fault" [/quote]
I agree. OP does seem intent to be the 'victim' in this and not accept responsibility for the argument.
I'm not surprised he left when he was being recorded, it's abusive and winds a situation up more.

rwalker · 01/01/2022 07:00

All this is your fault falling asleep he woke you twice then you recorded him .
No wonder he left

littlefireseverywhere · 01/01/2022 07:05

OP it just sounds as if you need someone who treats you well, a little bit of TLC & recognises you for the star you are!