Argument at midnight NYE

[yan79]

Hi.
I’ve had a bottle of wine and fallen asleep before
Midnight.
Woke up by the kids at 12:06 (ages 9 & 14) to look at the fireworks (which I promised)
My other half was her (who I don’t live with) and he was awake. I said *** I’m a bit pissed off you didn’t wake me up at 12am for NYE for all of us really. (To say happy new year, to have a kiss, to say hi to the kids. To watch the fireworks)
He’s gone absolutely mad, said I was inappropriate, my fault I was asleep, why should he have to wake me up etc) he’s then proceeded to get up and leave (taxi home-6 miles
Away) when he first kicked off I told him I was recording him On my phone as I thought he was being over the top. Soon after that he stopped shouting, collected his things and left without saying a word.
I’ve lived in an abusive relationship for 15 years prior to this (I know the score). I just wanted to know if I was in the wrong for being pissed off and saying so to him. Or is he the one for shouting in front of the kids and blaming me then leaving?
I’m a bit marred due to the wine?

I’m so angry and upset.

Happy new year every one xx

Self accountability.

You fell asleep.

Unless you asked prior to be woken why should anyone wake you?

Recording me on a phone when trying to engage in a discussion would be the end of our relationship.

I think he did the sensible thing leaving.

Sounds like you are best off without each other

So you drink too much, fall asleep and then blame him? Then when he reacts to being blamed for your issues you tell him you are filming him - for what purpose - there is only one to mock him later.

No wonder he left.

Those poor kids.

YABU! He did wake you up though at 11.30! You fell asleep again. He isn't going to spend his night waking you up?

Pissed enough that you couldn't stay awake, blaming him for not waking you when he already had once, but then blaming him for not keeping you awake by talking, overreacting when you did wake up a few minutes late and starting an argument, putting responsibility for your own behaviour onto him? YABVU. You could've set an alarm if you were tired instead of making it someone else's problem. Agree with another PP that you're focused on blame, not a healthy communication skill at all. You made some bad decisions, drunk and thats his fault? No. Shame you caused a row in front of your kids on NYE.

@yan79

Yes, I shouldn’t have recorded him. I absolutely agree. I’ve had such a bad time over the past few years being blamed for argument (even with current partner. He never accepts responsibility) always blames me for being ‘the victim’ I just thought If I recorded him he may see how unreasonable he was being. Sorry to add this on late but every time we row he says I’m being the ‘victim’ or blames me for provoking. So this row tonight is nothing unusual 😞

You are doing exactly the same thing.

Just call it a day. You fell asleep, he woke you up, you wenr back to sleep then blamed him for you not keeping to the arrangements with your kids. You rhenium decide to film so you can prove its him, but after the original situation. So how would that prove who was right? You only filmed half a situation. That half that shows him annoyed and you sat there going 'you are over reacting', it's bound to make you look reasonable but doesn't show the whole story. It's very manipulative.

Then say you are victim in the situation and any blame that you accept, is the fault of his and your ex and their previous behaviour.

You say you have been together 4 years? But every year has been ruined by their alcholic father?

Is this their first year with you? While I dont think having a few drinks on NYE is a problem. It seems to have been your first with them and you chose to spend it having a drink with your boyfriend, who you claim you already knew was a problem.

If your kids are traumatised by their alcholic father, this probably wasn't the best idea. When kids have been traumatised by one parent, they really need to other parent to not model similar behaviour by having a problem boyfriend round for big events and not engaging in toxic behaviour.

Start prioritising your kids by stepping away from the wine. Their DF is an alcoholic and still you subject them to your own unreasonable, alcohol-fuelled behaviour on NYE, which you then try to blame on somebody else. Disgraceful.

6 minutes all this over 6 minutes and your kids woke you up anyway.

@user1471457751

So he did wake you up only for you to fall asleep again?

And if your kids have suffered through having an alcoholic father, why on earth would you drink a bottle of wine when looking after them?

^

He did wake you! At 1130 so plenty of time to get yourself awake and ready to watch fireworks with the kids. Instead you fell back to sleep and proceeded to be belligerent.

@yan79

I don’t have a drink problem. I just nodded off. I was bored, he wasn’t talking I nodded off. I wasn’t unconscious, as I said I just nodded . Woke up to vic reeves singing. I didn’t wave a camera in his face I just said you’re being unreasonable by saying you’re leaving by saying I’m pissed off (a bit mad were my words) and him saying it was over because I said ‘why didn’t you wake me up at 12 because I’d nodded off’ He over reacts to everything (blaming me) which is the reason for me voice recording him to let him see I wasn’t shouting. He always blames me for every argument therefor I voice recorded him. (As I said, no waving a camera in his face) he’s also done this to me before. It went like this. Kids had tea about 7. We had tea about 8, Both drank a bottle of wine while kids were in bed. They watched tv in bed and I said I’d come up at 12 for fireworks/ NYE celebrations. I fell asleep, He woke me up about 1130 I fell back to sleep with a cuddle on the sofa. I woke up at 12:06 to my daughter asking to see fireworks. I said ‘why didn’t you wake me up at 12?! It’s not a normal night and I’d like to have seen you all’ He said I was out of order and he was leaving and it was over between us as it’s just a normal night. I let him go home. Kids were upset (after having every year and new year ruined by their alcoholic father)

In between that he said I was unreasonable for saying I was was disappointed that he didn’t ‘try’ to wake me up. Then he said I was a disgrace and was getting a taxi.

I then watched the fireworks with my children (feeling ok, although after a drink, with the kids)

He left, got a taxi, kids went to bed upset (again) as he always blames me. I then posted on here

He WOKE YOU UP at 11.30, and it's his fault you fell asleep????

No wonder he left.

And the only victims in this are your kids.

You messed up OP.
Drinking a bottle of wine then having a nap is crashing out onn booze in my book.
Add to that a toxic relationship- your kids are having a hard time.

You both sound as much to blame as the other.

You drank too much and fell asleep, he woke you up in time for the celebrations and you went back to sleep again.

Then you told him you were pissed off with him for not waking you at midnight (which is late anyway for NYE, you needed to be awake before midnight to see the new year in. And he did wake you in time for you to do that, but you went back to sleep).

It was six minutes after midnight when the kids woke you up. You hadn't really missed anything, but from what you've said here, it does sound like you started the argument and then recorded it.

His reaction does sound over the top and with everything else you've said about him I think he did the best thing by leaving when he did.

I also think you (and definitely your kids) would be happier if you ended this relationship and didn't start a new one until after you've had some time alone and perhaps some counselling.

You are not going to change his behaviour by recording him. If you feel that he's blaming you unfairly for something every time you argue, and you can't resolve that by speaking to him about it, then you're definitely not going to resolve it by recording him while it's going on.

If there is something abusive or toxic about his behaviour then all you are achieving by recording him to prove it is giving him an extra bit of ammunition to throw back at you.

And ultimately, nothing you do can change someone else's behaviour. All you can do is change your own. And I think that might be the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids, probably through counselling (which I think everyone should have, as the more self-aware we are about ourselves, about our own values, our own good and bad points, and so on, the better and healthier our own relationships become because we bring healthy attitudes into them, and the better we are at protecting ourselves from those people who probably should also be having some therapy but won't accept they need it).

Actually what you did is abusive, it’s called gaslighting, you picked a fight with him, then recorded him when he REACTED so you could say, oh and look how unreasonable you are. That’s just one issue, a whole bottle of wine isn’t normal and shouldn’t be normalised, especially if the poor kids had an alcoholic father too, sad situation.

Ahh mum is asleep, wake up mum, Happy New Year, mum, oops silly me! Oh well happy new year everyone, have a kiss and a cuddle and watch the fireworks, go to bed, the end. That's all it could've been, shame. Only you know if he's not a good man to be in a relationship with, but you were in a dysfunctional one for so long your own behaviour iour is affected too. If you can't communicate with each other without all the blame and victim positioning every time you disagree with him then you're not in the right place to be with anyone.

It doesn’t sound a healthy relationship but you’re not innocent in all of this.

What a mess. Your poor kids having to witness this nonsense.

Your first post isn't entirely honest - he did wake you at half eleven, which would have given you plenty of time to wake up and get yourself sorted to watch the fireworks with your kids like you promised. But you chose to go back to sleep and then start an argument when you eventually were woken up after midnight.

I think if you'd been completely honest on your OP you wouldn't have had the sympathetic responses you did. You say he overreacts but you ignore the fact that you appear to provoke him.

I think the situation sounds very toxic but only you know if it's a one-off or a sign that your relationship isn't the healthiest.

Do you think he was annoyed by the fact that you kept on falling asleep? He woke you at 11.30 to give you time to pull round but you tell asleep again. Then blamed him for not waking you up again. I would be highly annoyed.

Its odd that the op also says she fell asleep because she was bored because he wasn't talking. Like it's his job to entertain her, so she can stay up for plans she made with her children.

It was supposed to be about the kids & happy new year & fireworks.

You made it all about You.

If there were no kids in the mix you could have your stupid toxic argument & about who was to Blame.

So much energy wasted that could be put to a positive use.

Both out of order to be honest and it's not his fault you fell asleep

And then recorded him after starting a pointless argue because she fell asleep pissed. Recorded him! See, SEE, I'm right, you're wrong, I will PROVE IT, let me just get my phone on record, wait there and listen to me while play this back to you. Cringeing, embarrassing but serious concern that that's abusive behaviour. All in the first few minutes of the 'happy new year' with the kids awake and present. Jesus. OP make a better day of it today at least. You are not a victim here, at all.

Kids were upset (after having every year and new year ruined by their alcoholic father)

Poor kids.

It’s nye I’ve had a bottle of wine. This is not unusual.