Paedophile dad

[Mylifehasimploded]

I’ve changed names in case anyone can ID me in real life.
I’ve just found out that my dad is a child abuser who targeted and abused my child over the course of a few years.

Police are involved, and they are waiting for the CPS to say whether they will charge him or not. I don’t know what I’ll do if they can’t/won’t charge him.
My immediate family have decided to support him over my child, although they do think he did commit the acts he’s been accused of.
I’m at a loss as to how or why family members would take this stance. Why would you support a paedophile?
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with things if he’s charged, or if he isnt charged. He’s late 70’s, in bad health, and I’m aware the CPS only have certain funding. I’m not sure how the cps works and whether lack of funding/Covid would mean he gets away with it.
I want him to pay, I want him to suffer. Part of me wishes I’d left the police out of it, and sorted out my own punishment for him.
I’m at a loss as to what to do. My whole life has changed, I don’t know how to support my child and it’s not easy to discuss in real life. I feel my life has been a lie, that I’ve let my child down.
I wondered if anyone had any experience of this situation. At times it makes me feel so angry, at other times I wish my life was over. I don’t know why I’m posting really, I’m just having a really tough time

What an awful situation you are in. I do hope the CPS prosecute. I know of someone who was sentenced to a lengthy jail sentence for historic child abuse, he is over 80 and will probably die in jail. Its awful that the family are supporting him. I hope u and your child have people on your side who are supporting you both x

Firstly, sort out counciling for your child.
It might also help to get some for yourself to help you through things.

As for those 'family', I'd cut them out if my life tbh. But I'm betting at least some of them will change their tune down the line. Especially if he is found guilty. Personally, I still wouldn't let them back into my child's life. Because they clearly gave enabler mindsets (at best. At worst, they are also toxic). And are as such, not healthy to have around a child. Especially one who has been a victim of abuse.

You're going to have to learn about abuse and how to spot red flags so that you can in turn raise your child to do the same. Because having abused once can set us up for more as we go through life.

It wasn't your fault. You didn't see. But now you do. So do all you can to make sure you learn from the experience.

And give your little one lots of hugs. Make sure they know that they did nothing wrong.

Good luck! Hope they jail the git!

Your child and you will need professional help. Someone much more knowledgeable about this is bound to be along shortly. In the meantime, this is the most dreadful thing imaginable for you and you must be reeling from it. I hope you and your child get the support you both need.

We both have counselling, but it’s private and it’s very costly. I will keep it going as long as I am able to.

I want him dead, I want him to die a horrible death. It’s consuming me, and I know it’s not healthy, but it’s the only thing keeping me going.

I have cut them all out, and they will never be allowed back in. They were onside until they discovered his bank statements when he was in hospital for a (fake) overdose after he was accused of the abuse.
An aunt (through marriage) said she didn’t care, and wouldn’t take sides as they had their own worries to deal with, and it wasn’t their problem. My sibling told the police they wanted no further contact with me. I will never speak to them again.
There were no red flags, even in hindsight, none at all. It’s something I’ve looked back at every day since discovery. Absolutely nothing would have given me any idea, it’s frightening, and I’ll never trust anyone again.

First off, you have absolutely not let your child down. Shit happens and this really isn't your fault.

As the police are involved, they will get the right people involved with you and your child asap. Children's Services will be involved too. They will ensure your child, and you, are getting the support you need. Can I ask how old your child is?

Make sure you tell a close friend what is going on. You will need people around you whose strength you can lean on through the dark times you're going to encounter. But you will have the strength to do this, promise. Ensuring that your child has all they need to heal will be your driver to keep going.

Regarding your family... sadly, people make their choices and often can't think or stomach that the unthinkable has happened. Block them for now, you can deal with how you feel about them later. Your priority is your child.

Finally, without sounding twee, well done. Your child has been so brave to disclose what they have and you've gone to the authorities. You've done the right thing, as hard as it was to do. Keep on making the tough, but right, choices.

Sending you love and strength.

@Mylifehasimploded I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your child. Have you been offered any type of counselling or support through the police? If not have they given you a liaison officer? Can you contact them and ask if there are any provisions for you child? If not then you may have a long wait to access counselling through your gp, so may need to accelerate that process by going private if you can afford to buy it is costly (worth every penny though, just make sure you interview your counsellor and are happy with them)

Might help to write all your angry thoughts about him down in a letter as if you were going to send it. And then burn it. Might be cathartic.

It sounds like they are all very weak, cowardly people. You'll be well shot of them.

Sorry I took ages writing so missed your update, I’m glad you’ve got access to counselling.

Also, the court usually offers counciling to people involved in cases. Even witnesses. In scotland anyway.

I have some experience here. It's a hard thing for you to survive. Take care of yourself and your child and don't let yourself get eaten up with anger. It's so easy to say after years of therapy but focus on your love between you and your child.

I was ignored by so many people, people can be so shit. It's not you, none of this is on you. The only person to blame is your dad and he has to deal with what he's done. I'm sorry x

Do YOU have any support, from any other family members or friends?

I can't blame you for feeling the way you do, it's a such a betrayal. How old is your child? How aware of everything are they?

I don't even know what to say to you but am just sending my support

My late relative was abused as a child by her family member, her family sided with the abuser, and her mum never reported it to anyone.

On her death bed at 85, she talked about wishing she had the strength to destroy her parents' headstones. She literally never got over it and the fact that her entire family did nothing about it when they found out.

You sound like a really good mum. You haven't let anyone down, you're showing your child you're on their side, unlike your dad and you're doing really well already being their advocate.

Please remove those family members from yours and your child's life. Genuine love and support from you is worth so much more to your dc than the presence of multiple uncaring extended family members being in their life.

You’ve done absolutely the right things. There’s good research that shows the children who recover best from sexual abuse are those who have parents who believe and protect them, which you have done. Well done. Keep ploughing on. Remember even if the CPS don’t charge him, that doesnt mean it didn’t happen (despite what your family members will tell you). You’ve made a good start at building a different but good life (away from abuse and colluding family), just keep walking towards that.

Op, unfortunately it is so common for people to support the abuser. The offender depends upon manipulating people and situations. If your dad can get the support of his adult family, your child did not stand a chance. I'm not saying that to be upsetting/ inflammatory. I hope this all works out for you and your child. Hugs to you both.

@Wasywasydoodah

You’ve done absolutely the right things. There’s good research that shows the children who recover best from sexual abuse are those who have parents who believe and protect them, which you have done. Well done. Keep ploughing on. Remember even if the CPS don’t charge him, that doesnt mean it didn’t happen (despite what your family members will tell you). You’ve made a good start at building a different but good life (away from abuse and colluding family), just keep walking towards that.

Yes, I absolutely agree with this. As shit as this all is, it has happened and you are doing everything you can to support you and your daughter through this. Her most vital life source right now is the ability to express whatever is coming up for her. Same for you. Take care both of you.

The police directed children’s services to us, but my daughter won’t engage with them and prefers to stick with the counsellor she already had (having counselling due to another reason). She’s now late teens, so I have to respect her decision.
When it started she was so young she didn’t know anything was amiss, and he did/said the usual stuff to keep her quiet. He targeted her specifically and not my other daughter (who now has guilt over being left alone). She is also having counselling.
I go through scenarios in my head as to how I can make him pay. I know it’s wrong, and I have to hope justice prevails, but if it doesn’t I’m not sure how I will manage. I have never had such an urge to harm anyone in my life. He is going about his life as though everything is normal, and I want to inflict serious damage on him.

Also, thank you to everyone who has commented. I appreciate it. I’m sorry others have experience, it’s not something I’d wish on anyone.

I am so sorry x

@Mylifehasimploded

We both have counselling, but it’s private and it’s very costly. I will keep it going as long as I am able to.

I want him dead, I want him to die a horrible death. It’s consuming me, and I know it’s not healthy, but it’s the only thing keeping me going.

I have cut them all out, and they will never be allowed back in. They were onside until they discovered his bank statements when he was in hospital for a (fake) overdose after he was accused of the abuse.
An aunt (through marriage) said she didn’t care, and wouldn’t take sides as they had their own worries to deal with, and it wasn’t their problem. My sibling told the police they wanted no further contact with me. I will never speak to them again.
There were no red flags, even in hindsight, none at all. It’s something I’ve looked back at every day since discovery. Absolutely nothing would have given me any idea, it’s frightening, and I’ll never trust anyone again.

In terms of practical advice: Private therapy is costly. Start the process of applying for counselling through NHS and gp right now. While you will have to go on a waitlist i would say you'd be prioritised. you will move up that list while having private treatment and can then transition. You can then ise that money for other things to help your child in other ways (therapeutic hobbies perhaps?)

A close family member did exactly this for a different counselling issue and it worked very well for them.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT. He was in a position of trust and he abused it and your dear child. My heart breaks for you, but you must keep going. For yourself and your child, you need to be the strength. Take comfort in the fact that that part of your child's life is over and I do believe in karma. The family that have chosen him are no better than him. You have done the right thing in cutting them out.

You already have some excellent advice so I won't add what's already been said. You have not let your child down. At all. You have done your very best by supporting them now and doing what's right. I'm so so sorry you're both in this situation. Let yourself be angry and want your dad to die, that's completely okay. We're on your side and although it's not the same as RL support hopefully we can support you, especially when the bastard goes to prison forever x

@JinglyJingles

Message deleted by MNHQ.

This is true

I remember speaking candidly with a prison rehabilitation officer who did an after dinner speech at a club... I said I didn't believe pedophiles could be rehabilitated as she basically said I was right and it was the single most soul destroying aspect of her job.
She also hated the policy that introduced in the 90s (forget the name but it was subsequently proved to be ineffective/harmful) to rehabilitate them which involved group therapy. She said it just let the bastards create peadophile rings and swap tips
Monitoring is all that can be done.

I'm sorry you and your children are going through this. Your dd has the support of you and your other child. Stuff the others. Family so very often brush abuse like this under the carpet or support the abuser, its staggering. I wonder if its part of the grooming process. You and your children sound strong and a tight unit.