Paedophile dad

[Mylifehasimploded]

I’ve changed names in case anyone can ID me in real life.
I’ve just found out that my dad is a child abuser who targeted and abused my child over the course of a few years.

Police are involved, and they are waiting for the CPS to say whether they will charge him or not. I don’t know what I’ll do if they can’t/won’t charge him.
My immediate family have decided to support him over my child, although they do think he did commit the acts he’s been accused of.
I’m at a loss as to how or why family members would take this stance. Why would you support a paedophile?
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with things if he’s charged, or if he isnt charged. He’s late 70’s, in bad health, and I’m aware the CPS only have certain funding. I’m not sure how the cps works and whether lack of funding/Covid would mean he gets away with it.
I want him to pay, I want him to suffer. Part of me wishes I’d left the police out of it, and sorted out my own punishment for him.
I’m at a loss as to what to do. My whole life has changed, I don’t know how to support my child and it’s not easy to discuss in real life. I feel my life has been a lie, that I’ve let my child down.
I wondered if anyone had any experience of this situation. At times it makes me feel so angry, at other times I wish my life was over. I don’t know why I’m posting really, I’m just having a really tough time

connectcounselling.ie/services/

Connect counselling offer free counselling to survivors of childhood abuse, they have phone services for Ireland and the UK. For you and your DC 💐💐

Your child needs counselling and above all your love and support. Cut the poisonous relationships out and here that’s the family supporting your dad. Positive, healthy relationships heal trauma so your role is paramount. You can’t crumble here. Karen Treisman had some excellent resources on childhood trauma and how to help children. She had several books on Amazon too.

@JinglyJingles. It’s not “petty revenge”. This man has sexually abused my child, on numerous occasions. It’s about his actions having consequences, and part of me wishes I’d not bothered with the police at all and made sure the Information was leaked where he lives, and he would have been dealt with by the community he lives in.
I want him punished, and unfortunately, that means prison in this country. I couldn’t give a shit whether he’s rehabilitated in prison, I want him to end his days in there. It’s certainly not petty to wish for someone to be punished, especially when he has sexually abused a young child.

@Totalwasteofpaper
It might have been SOTP ( Sex offenders treatment programme )
I agree with her 100% .

I cant believe the poster used the term petty revenge either. Its the opposite of petty, I cant actually think of a bigger reason to want revenge. Im so sorry this has happened. Its your father of course you trusted him not to harm your child. You have done nothing wrong. The best scenario will be he lives out the rest of his days in prison. And everyone in prison will know exactly why hes there. Get justice and work on getting rid of the anger. Remember hating someone and filling yourself with anger, is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. It does absolutuly nothing to him. You and your daughter work on creating happy moments in this life, while he rots in prison.

The CPS will charge if they believe they have enough evidence for ' a realistic prospect of conviction'. It's not down to whether they believe or not but they need to be confident in what is put before the Court. Funding to offices is based upon results e.g. if cases are repeatedly kicked out of court at an early stage, that reflects negatively on figures.

What an awful situation for you to be in - wish you all the best x

@JinglyJingles. I want him in prison, for the rest of his life. I want nothing else. Like I’ve said, I don’t give a shiny shit about rehabilitation, I want him to die in prison.

You are doing the right thing by your children, they are very lucky to have you. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. And I also can't imagine why anyone would take the side of the abuser, although I'm very aware it happens.

@Mylifehasimploded OMG I literally don't know what to say other than I am so sorry this has happened to your daughter and I can't even begin to think how you're feeling but if I tried to imagine it myself I think I would want him dead tbh if anyone laid a finger in that way on my child I think I would have the same feelings as you as in I wish I'd have leaked it so his life could be ruined and he'd not be safe setting a foot out his door. Why should he be able to be getting on with his life normal right now!? Riles me so much! Hopefully he will go to prison and a couple of young burly blokes with daughters at home will find out what he's done and give him a tidy seeing to!!

@JinglyJingles

Message deleted by MNHQ.

You’re a fool. Perhaps this pedo couldn’t control his thoughts. Of course people can suffer from intrusive thoughts but don’t allude to the idea that pedophilia is some sort of sexual orientation that can’t be help and that they there can’t be held accountable for. He allowed his sick perversions to override the safety and well-being of a young girl. This sick man had a choice and he chose to act on his desires. Petty revenge? What is wrong with you? Why would you even word it that way? He absolutely deserves punishment. Everything the OP says is spot on and how dare you try to invalidate it!

I am so so sorry OP and can only imagine the pain you must be going through for your child 💐

I can see it from a mother’s POV and that of an abused child, as my Grandfather inflicted similar on me from the age of 4, and my Aunties. However I think it would cut me deeper if my children were hurt in this way and be much harder to deal with.

The only thing that saved me from a life of brokenness, pain, anger, bitterness and grief from lost innocence was the love and healing I found in Jesus Christ. He helped me release the anger. He held me through every panic attack and bitter tear. He put the pieces of me back together, and mended my broken heart. I regained peace of mind and peace to my soul. Most importantly He helped give me the strength to forgive my abuser. This was one of the most powerfully liberating and healing experience of my life.

I think I would find it harder to forgive as a mother to an abused DC, I think the two are worlds apart as my DC safety is always on my mind. But OP, don’t let the anger and hatred consume you, let the matter be dealt with by the authorities. Don’t think about the unsupportive family but just focus on your DC and pour as much love as you can upon them, just love, love, love them. Find out what makes them feel safe and do all you can to make them feel safe now, especially emotional safety (I wish my parents had done this). Maybe in time you will be able to forgive, I hope so, it is so hard but so worth it you don’t want to carry all that hurt and anger with you forever, it will eat at your life and cause you more hurt.

I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. From your post I suspect your family feel sorry for him due to his health state. However that does not excuse him from the dispicable things he did. You are right he deserves to pay. However thats best left to the police. All you can do now is support your daughter and have nothing more to do with those dispicable people you once called family.

OP, what an awful situation. In your shoes I'd feel murderous too and I am angry in general, that this shit is still allowed to happen, that conviction rates are so pathetic and that so many people are willing to shield these predators. It's sickening all around. I would have cut off these family members too.

As for wanting to harm him yourself, don't do it. Death is an easy way out. I remember feeling angry that Jeffrey Eppstein got to die in his cell, without seeing his day in court. If anything, I want predators to rot in prison, but if they don't I would have no problem spreading their name far and wide to warn other parents.

I am wishing you good life, once you are able to give this awfulness a place. I wish I could be more helpful.

@JinglyJingles

There is no point getting further revenge than is going to be put in place other than for the OP's own gratification. Which is petty.

How the hell is it petty? OP is hurting because of what happened. Of course she wants him to suffer. How the hell does self gratification come into it.

@Mylifehasimploded. ((HUGS))

I'm so sorry the bastard did that to your DD. How long have you known? It must have been such a huge shock, especially when even in hindsight there's nothing that seemed 'off'

Fuck knows what Jingly us on about. Best ignored!!!

Could you explain to your DD that your money will only go so far & meeting the other therapists is a good idea, she doesn't have to see any of them again if she doesn't like them.

Lots of therapy for all you xx

I'm very sorry people have let you down & supported him. You've done the right thing getting them out of your lives.

@Latinorapida

Spot on. Also, even if you are a pedophile you can still make a choice not to assault a child. That is why there are programmes for pedophiles to which they can refer themselves before they do anything criminal. They still have agency over their actions.

okay I totally misinterpreted @JinglyJingles post. I do not agree with that position...

You should 100% push for conviction and harshest sentence possible.
And very honestly I hope he gets the shit kicked out of him by other inmates suffers while there

Hey OP
I think that your thoughts of hurting your parent and other family member are completely normal. I don’t think that you should feel bad for wanting to make them suffer. I think it’s part of the process.
I have a different scenario but similar and was overcome by hatred and the need to hunt the perpetrators down and destroy them / shame them publicly but my family member kept a couple of key bits of information to themselves so I was never 100% sure who they were. I was told not to try and find out who they were but i couldn’t stop myself and spent hours online looking for information. I don’t do this now and have moved on. I feel nothing for them now.
My family member made a choice not to goto the police and refused point blank. I spent a great deal of energy trying to convince them but gave up ans realises that I couldn’t control the situation.
Xxx

Name changed for this reply so it's not linked to another post but...

I've experienced this situation as one of the wider family through my in-laws. Everyone cut the abuser off. Everyone. Sadly the adult daughter of the abuser got dragged back into his life later to make decisions about health and care. She did so with no communication with the abuser. It was an awful time for the whole family but my understanding is that the survivor and sister (who, like your other daughter felt lots of guilt) really are doing well now (years later.)

However, when I told my mum about it she couldn't understand why the police were involved. She thought everyone should just forget about it and move on because of the abuser' age (70s.) My mum didn't even know the person so it wasn't even misplaced loyalty - just a generally bizarre attitude towards (elderly) paedophiles Some people have unbelievably odd values! Sad but true.

I hope you and your daughters get good professional and personal support.

@JinglyJingles

There is no point getting further revenge than is going to be put in place other than for the OP's own gratification. Which is petty.

Jesus, you really need to go away.

Gratification...petty...

Really just go away!

Sorry I ended abruptly. I really wish you and your daughters the very best wishes.
Actually I don’t feel nothing for the paedophiles, but I don’t think about them very often anymore. I have come to a point of acceptance I guess