Paedophile dad

[Mylifehasimploded]

I’ve changed names in case anyone can ID me in real life.
I’ve just found out that my dad is a child abuser who targeted and abused my child over the course of a few years.

Police are involved, and they are waiting for the CPS to say whether they will charge him or not. I don’t know what I’ll do if they can’t/won’t charge him.
My immediate family have decided to support him over my child, although they do think he did commit the acts he’s been accused of.
I’m at a loss as to how or why family members would take this stance. Why would you support a paedophile?
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with things if he’s charged, or if he isnt charged. He’s late 70’s, in bad health, and I’m aware the CPS only have certain funding. I’m not sure how the cps works and whether lack of funding/Covid would mean he gets away with it.
I want him to pay, I want him to suffer. Part of me wishes I’d left the police out of it, and sorted out my own punishment for him.
I’m at a loss as to what to do. My whole life has changed, I don’t know how to support my child and it’s not easy to discuss in real life. I feel my life has been a lie, that I’ve let my child down.
I wondered if anyone had any experience of this situation. At times it makes me feel so angry, at other times I wish my life was over. I don’t know why I’m posting really, I’m just having a really tough time

@Mylifehasimploded re the counselling, although your child wants to stay with their counsellor (totally understandable) if you can encourage them to engage with the CS one, it may be worthwhile.

My DSDs were sexually abused by their mum and stepdad, all came to a head a couple of years ago, and the youngest was helped MASSIVELY by CS team. Eldest refused to engage and were now unpicking it through a private therapist, but the CS team were far more knowledgeable and tailored.

Sadly, we have seen the girls family side with their mother. Drives me fucking mad. She's in prison, the case is done, but still they defend her. I totally get your anger, makes me want to scream.

Keep going, it will be worth it. You're doing great xx

@Newschapter. I hope reporting him will be worth it, I didn’t know that the CPS may choose not to charge. Being naive, I thought if the police believed you (which they do) then he would be arrested and charged.
I’m not sure what I’ll do if he’s not even charged for it.
It’s not about being brave to speak up, don’t ever think you weren’t brave. You’ve broken contact with him, that must have been a big step. The people who stick by them, the paedophile apologists, they are as guilty as these men. They make me sick

My heart breaks when I read this post. Not just for the children, but all those who support them. Because, isn't that what we're there for? To protect children?
There are people in life who are weak and will take what is seen at the time as the "easy" route and there are those, like the people on here who will do the right thing, stand up for what is right. Who have integrity.

Thank you for your comments.

As you have found out too it is extremely common for the family to choose the abuser over the victim. When we has to prove to social services that they were safe with us after it all came out, I asked them on situations like this how often do the rest of the family support the abuser. The answer was 50/50. It's unbelievable isn't it, all they are concerned about is his wellbeing in prison.
They know its all true, in court he explained in his own police interview exactly where in the house he'd done it, how he used to do it when his wife was making breakfast or went out. My husband mother knows its 100% true so why would you support him?

I hope whilst he's in prison he has it tough, he showed all of this selfish remorse when it all came out. He was focused on cutting himself and not eating and trying to gain sympathy! Forgetting completely what he had done to us.

My father took an overdose……of 8 paracetamol and left a ‘suicide note’ where he asks the family to look after his mate?? The mate he knew would find him!
The paramedics had to take him to hospital, just in case, but he was acting (according to the bro who now supports him). He’s also tried the Alzheimer’s route of having no memory and was in a hospital for a few weeks. I believe he’s home now.
I really want neighbours to know what he is, but don’t want to jeopardise any police stuff.

@Mylifehasimploded I’m so sorry you and your dd have gone through this. Yes, sadly, you are right that it’s so common for families to support the abuser over the survivor. It’s (in my experience anyway) the most damaging aspect of the abuse.

There is a website called The Second Wound, which is focused on healing from this secondary trauma (also have an Instagram account). I’ve found them a really good source of information and support.

[quote Mylifehasimploded]@JinglyJingles. It’s not “petty revenge”. This man has sexually abused my child, on numerous occasions. It’s about his actions having consequences, and part of me wishes I’d not bothered with the police at all and made sure the Information was leaked where he lives, and he would have been dealt with by the community he lives in.
I want him punished, and unfortunately, that means prison in this country. I couldn’t give a shit whether he’s rehabilitated in prison, I want him to end his days in there. It’s certainly not petty to wish for someone to be punished, especially when he has sexually abused a young child.[/quote]
Let's hope he goes to prison, and it's likely he will. I work in Prison and a lot of paedophiles are over 70 and are there because of historical sexual abuse. They die in prison because of their age and have a pretty horrible time from staff because of what they have done. Believe me it's no party in there.

They have stopped the rehabilitation process as it doesn't work

I just want to say that you are doing a good job in protecting and prioritising your daughter
You do feel guilt, that’s normal for every normal parent
However you had no knowledge, insight or even awareness that this could be happening to your child so really the guilt is misplaced
Your father is not a normal parent , his behaviour is driven by drives that the vast majority of us will never understand
He would know it was wrong in every regard , hence the need for secrecy. Well done for outing him and not colluding. In the long run, this will help your daughter immensely
Even if he doesn’t receive a custodial sentence, his life is over in most regards. People know who he is or will get to know
He will likely go onto the sex offenders register and will not be allowed unsupervised contact with other children by Social Services
Please consider a referral to CAMHS; the waiting list is very long. Most CAMHS have specialist counsellors. This may be helpful in the long run if funding becomes an issue
Your anger and bitterness is very understandable at this time. This is an extreme betrayal
Please continue to get help for yourself
Your best revenge is living a long and happy life secure in the knowledge that you did your best
Your family have to live with the alternative
This may or may not bother them. In the long run, it won’t matter
Wishing you all the best💐

You have not failed in any way.
There were no red flags because child abusers are crafty, secretive and usually well practiced. Years ago a police officer told me they were the criminals most difficult to find and prove guilty because a) they didn’t see themselves as guilty of anything and b) they were used to staying hidden, even hidden in plain sight.
Your anger is justifiable and understandable. I’d want to break all his limbs , but you can’t do that.
Let the police & CPS build their case. That’s step one.
If he’s prosecuted hopefully he’ll spend his remaining time in prison.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your daughters and I hope justice prevails.

Mylife in the gentlest way possible - your uncles wife has taken sides. She didn’t back your daughter so she is complicit by being passive - you are right to have cut her out - you are a fantastic mum!

Your a fantastic mum

I endured low level CSA when I was little at that hands of an extended relative that lived nearby. The abuse wouldn't have affected me this much, but the way it was mishandled afterwards certainly did.

From what I can see, you are doing everything that I wished I had happened when I was brave enough to speak.

The only suggestions I would have is that your DD is clear that your anger isn't anything to do with her or the fact that she disclosed - make it clear that your anger is soley and wholly reserved for the abuser and his enablers. My mother showed anger the few times I mentioned it, so being a child I thought that anger was for me and that was damaging for me. If she had just explained that she was angry at him, It would have made all the difference.

And also your DD may be feeling guilt at tearing the family apart - again, making it clear to her that she didn't do that - he did when he chose to first cross that monstrous line, because something like this was always going to explode in a family no matter how long after, so it's him that's caused all this. Not her, never her.

Agree you're a great Mum. You instantly believed her. Anyone that stands by an abuser is an enabler

Thought I’d update.
he has been charged, likely he will try and delay proceedings by playing the mental health card. We have witness support in place and daughter is getting trauma counselling through the sexual abuse team connected to court/police. They are trying to sort counselling for me but there’s a waiting list.
I have an overwhelming urge to confront him, but I know that won’t help. I hope he’s now suffering and panicking and feels sick with worry about the future.

So glad they've charged him. Keep going OP - I can't imagine how difficult this is for you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this @Mylifehasimploded but I'm glad he's been charged

I know it means nothing really but my thoughts are with you.

So glad to read your update. The rage and revulsion these low life's make me feel makes me want to find them rip their arms off and beat them to death with them.... extreme maybe.
There's a special place in hell for them, let's hope they get their quicker!
You're an awesome mom, disclosure is hard to deal with and it's a long road taking one day at a time.
Wishing you all continued strength and healing xx

*there

That good news...yes he will be panicking and prob his health will suffer from the stress!

How many years ago did it happen? I say that as many like him do not tend to just have the one victim unless their access was very restricted. I know of a case where he targeted several grandkids and only became apparent when one was brave enough to open up

💐Bless you both for your strength and courage 💐

I am so sorry you are going through this but so glad to read your update. I cannot get my head around the behaviour of the rest of your family and sad to read how common it is. You're a fantastic supportive mum. ❤️

@Sunflowergirl1 i also believe more will come forward when it’s all out in the open, I’ve not been able to discuss due to the ongoing investigation, but I believe there will be more. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending which way you look at it) I can’t remember anything about my childhood, only the parts where I was with my grandparents on holidays and weekends etc.
I hope my family members feel guilt and shame more so now he’s been charged, but I’ll never speak to them again. I can’t explain my emotions, but generally I just feel numb as though I’m watching someone else go through this and then it will hit me. I will never understand why family choose to support the accused, that was never an option for me, I’d rather be alone than be compromised.

Just sending you a loving handhold, OP. I commented on this thread a while back.
My former husband was arrested nearly a year ago (attempted suicide and milked the mental health card to the max). He was sentenced last May- almost 3 months ago now (he sexually abused our DD for 5 years).
It’s been a roller coaster ride without safety bars through all of grief’s stages. I’ve probably lost my mind several times over but that’s ok. I now sit comfortably and probably lifelong with a calm rage borne out of a mother’s love mangled up with the grief of my failure to protect DD from her dad; the very person meant to shield her from harm. I’ve learned that justice is a silenced voice heard by the right people. But it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I’m learning to live with that. There’s no punishment great enough for such predators. I have washed myself clean of most of my rage but there’s forever a stain and I’ll never see life through a truly peaceful lens. But then I think of my daughter, a child, who never knew life through that technicolour lens she deserved to see her own childhood through. Her dad should never have robbed her of that… a childhood given then stolen by the person you’d least expect. It’s a bitter pill. But she has a mightier heart than most and enormous wisdom for it; trauma’s parting gift.
She is the happiest I’ve known her to be. She’s 12.
Her dad’s entire family have turned on her.
Even as he rots in prison, they have all come together like some sick coalition of the dysfunctional to rally around and protect him.
If I think about it too much, I’ll shred the world with my screams. There’s something indescribably awful about standing there and watching the abused child being rejected by her abuser’s family. Such a dark parade that marches through my mind on a daily basis. It hurts so much. There’s no excuse for it. None. Oh I’ve thought all the rational thoughts: They remember him as the sweet boy he once was and can’t accept the abuser that he is.
I can analyse and rationalise until I’m pushing up daisies- and I will, I’m sure, always wonder why they support him as much as I’ll always ask why he did it. But there’s no excuse. No answer.
You have all of my love and all of my hope. Lean into all of the therapy. We hated most of it and DD didn’t speak for the first 6 months. Then one day, it all came together, made sense, revealed its work, revealed our work… like the moon pull of the tide,l or breathing, it just felt natural, rhythmic, and vital. DD spoke when the words were ready to come out. Our therapy has ended up being everything. Absolutely everything, especially post-sentencing.

You’ll end up exactly where you need to be, OP, and you and DD will heal. 💐💐💐

Massive handhold, OP. It happened to me (not my dad), I’ve never told anyone. It happened in 3 other families that I know of, a friend told her family recently and they have not believed her, so that’s all exploded horrifically. In another family, the mum knew that her husband was abusing both daughters. I can’t understand why any family member would support the abuser, it just blows my fucking mind.

I hope he goes to prison, @Mylifehasimploded , they don’t like paedophiles in there, it won’t be a cake walk for him. One paedophile that I know of came out of prison with a lifelong injury and it’s the least he deserves. I’m all for putting the abuser in a dark room and letting the victim have at him or her with whatever weapons they fancy for 5 minutes. Couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks of that.