Paedophile dad

[Mylifehasimploded]

I’ve changed names in case anyone can ID me in real life.
I’ve just found out that my dad is a child abuser who targeted and abused my child over the course of a few years.

Police are involved, and they are waiting for the CPS to say whether they will charge him or not. I don’t know what I’ll do if they can’t/won’t charge him.
My immediate family have decided to support him over my child, although they do think he did commit the acts he’s been accused of.
I’m at a loss as to how or why family members would take this stance. Why would you support a paedophile?
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with things if he’s charged, or if he isnt charged. He’s late 70’s, in bad health, and I’m aware the CPS only have certain funding. I’m not sure how the cps works and whether lack of funding/Covid would mean he gets away with it.
I want him to pay, I want him to suffer. Part of me wishes I’d left the police out of it, and sorted out my own punishment for him.
I’m at a loss as to what to do. My whole life has changed, I don’t know how to support my child and it’s not easy to discuss in real life. I feel my life has been a lie, that I’ve let my child down.
I wondered if anyone had any experience of this situation. At times it makes me feel so angry, at other times I wish my life was over. I don’t know why I’m posting really, I’m just having a really tough time

@Mylifehasimploded I am so sorry for your experiences. My brother abused me and my older sister (her for decades apparently). The fallout has been enormous but honestly 4 years after first bringing it out into the open I have managed to find a way through the absolute shit show it caused in my family coming from the place you are describing now. My family just would not face up to the severity of the abuse, my father told me my sister was having an affair with my brother and that he, my father, was just continuing his relationship with him as if this never happened and really sadly my sister accepted that from him and so did my mother and other siblings and aunts and uncles etc ultimately.

I don’t speak to any members of my own family and very few in my extended family any longer. I have been assured by many experts along the way that families refuse point blankly to deal in any way appropriately with child abuse in almost all instances. My counsellor told me in the first couple of months to put them all on a metaphorical boat and set them out to sea which I resisted thinking eventually they would do the right thing but ultimately he was absolutely right.

If you find anyone who actually does the right thing stick with them. My friends struggled to get why I don’t speak to my enabling family and I have been told more than once that I am a shit mother for not speaking to my family for my kids sake by friends who frankly don’t understand but I get that now.

An excellent therapist is a must from my experience. The anger you are feeling is appropriate and it will give you energy to get through the early stuff and you can work on managing it as you move through things. I still think that my family members are absolutely cowards who lack integrity but I’ve gotten to a point when I don’t give a remote shit about them so that anger doesn’t impact and consume me any longer and my focus is on my own family and I can look forward now. But the anger had a place and it needed to be felt and not denied.

Your DD does not need you to be perfect she needs to to be as stable as you can and to be absolutely in her corner and that will be enough. You didn’t cause this shit, you are just trying to survive it. Just do the best you can and be kind to yourself that is of supreme importance especially when confronted with other people’s limitations. You will get through this. It is so traumatic but you will do this.

Hi OP

In response to your question re my mum - I wish she had done what you did - speak up! Believe me and care enough about me to ensure that the hurt was minimised. She continued to stay in touch with family members who accused me of lying. My mental health was cracking under the strain of it.

I find a lot can be survived and healed if you have someone who truly loves you behind you - your child has that!

@Mylifehasimploded I'm so so sorry for what you and your child are going through. It's unforgivable and I pray your Father rots in prison where he belongs.

On the topic of your family, I wanted to echo what others have said. My Aunt (through marriage) came from an abusive family. Her Father sexually abused her sister and Mother (Aunt was at boarding school so escaped). No one talked about it, no one did anything about it. When Aunt married my uncle, it all came out and he banned the Father ( as an aside my Father, best man at their wedding, had to forcibly remove the father from their wedding..). Aunt never saw him again, but spoke to her Mother on occasion. The rest of their family carried on, like it had never happened.. that man destroyed many lives. It's was dealt with like a dirty secret. People often don't have the strength to face the truth. Take comfort in the fact that YOU do and you've done the right thing for you and your child. From here you can heal. Don't waste energy on him, he is dead to you.

I’m so sorry this happened.

You are doing the most important thing right by believing her and cutting them all off.

When I was a teenager I went through a different but similar trauma and one thing that made it a bit harder was I could see how upset my mum was to think about it, so I felt I had to pretend to be ok to protect her. And she never asked me how I was so I struggled to bring it up. So in terms of what else you can do, maybe just find quiet moments with her now and then to ask how she is in a general way, and try to bear whatever she tells you without making her feel bad about your own suffering. But it honestly sounds like you’re an awesome mum and you’re probably doing that already.

Oh and keep talking to your DD and believe you are in this together. Keep reminding her that you both didn’t cause this.

There will be a lot of psychological and emotional damage that you both will to correct together and apart until your emotions catch up with your thinking.

My mum will never raise the topic - it’s a wall of silence. I get angry at her and every now and then it rears it’s head in an argument - I think it’s because I find her unnatural. Protection is the first instinct of any mother worthy of the name.

I say this OP to hi-lite to you how good a job you are going - devastated though you are!

My mums silence and her continued association with her family allowed them the liberty of saying “it’s all a lie - even your mum doesn’t believe you!’.

When I first told her in my early 20s she told me she would not back me in exposing it as it would likely kill her mother - my grandmother- and to wait until she was gone!

Unnatural freak of nature masquerading as a mother!

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. Your daughters are very lucky to have you.

First of all you block and go nc with every person who is on your df's side... You seek professional help for you and your dc..

You have done the right thing. I had a similar experience with ex and my daughter. He died before I found out the whole story which is a damn shame as I would have done the same as yourself. My daughter is adult now, but her older brother has no contact with us as doesn't believe. Most important is my daughter's welfare
Stay strong, this happened to us nearly 20 years ago and life is good now.

FYI if there is going to be a court case you will Need to potentially stop counselling. Discuss this with the police and your therapist ASAP.

[quote Mylifehasimploded]@Briscarta. Thank you, and I’m sorry you were in my daughters position. Is there anything you wish your mother had done that would have made a difference? I will never let him near her, I’ve cut everyone out, she’s having counselling. I’ve been advised not to talk to her about the abuse unless she talks about it. That’s what I’m doing, what’s really hard is not feeling able to talk about my childhood as I used to. He was a shit dad, I can’t really remember much of being small, I always only remember my grandparents and aunts/uncles but am finding it hard to even reminisce or talk about anything even loosely connected. I feel I’ve lost my whole life, if that makes sense?

I want to do the right thing, and I want her to be able to live a good life, but I’ve no idea how I do that[/quote]
I was abused by my dad and told my mum when I was a teen. She believed me which helped. She gave me therapy details but I refused to go. I wish she had made me go and I wish she had shown me the rage I later found out she felt. Cutting off family is brilliant for your dd and shows her she is your number one priority which is what she'll need now. I am, thirty years later, struggling to come to terms with things after 2 years of counselling- but I am getting there and my dc say I smile more again. I really hope and pray your dad does go to prison. I never reported, but my dad is now in a care home with Alzheimer's so is in prison in my mind and I never visit. for you both

Don’t want to burst your bubble, and not trying to upset you, but be very very prepared for him to walk out of court Scott free.

Innocent until PROVEN guilty.

It fucking hurts, how justice is not served to those who done so wrong to an innocent child, but it’s often reality so just prepare yourself ok. X

@Mylifehasimploded anger is such a normal response and I'm so sorry for you and your girl.

Have you tried horse therapy? Really is amazing for both you and the girls !

Sounds awful but you’re already on the right track with believing her. The anger you feel is understandable. Who advised you not to mention it unless she does? My only concern would be that she felt it was something you didn’t want to talk about. So maybe it would be good to ask her how she wants to talk to you about it and check if she’s ok with that. And I’m sorry that you’ve have jingles post such awful unhelpful posts.

Last year I found out my dd had been abused by a close family member from the age of 4-11. It's so hard to know how to support her. She doesn't want to go to court so the bastard is still out there plus other close relatives have sided with him saying that it can't be true as he's not in jail.

@JinglyJingles

Theres no use punishing a pedophile as it's the way their brain is wired. It doesn't matter what you do it won't change them. Paedophiles go to prison not as punishment but to protect others from them. Dont act like it's about punishing him when you want some petty revenge, which is ok to admit given the circumstances.

Of course you can punish paedophiles even if they aren't rehabilitated, they still need consequences for their actions. And whether you call it revenge (nothing petty about it) or punishment, it's perfectly natural for OP to want the man who harmed her child to have it.

@JinglyJingles

Theres no use punishing a pedophile as it's the way their brain is wired. It doesn't matter what you do it won't change them. Paedophiles go to prison not as punishment but to protect others from them. Dont act like it's about punishing him when you want some petty revenge, which is ok to admit given the circumstances.

This post doesn't even make sense. No paedophiles cannot be rehabilitated but that doesn't mean punishing them is pointless (and yes prison is punishment) and likening the criminal justice system to 'petty revenge' in a case of child abuse is about as insensitive and stupid a comment as I've ever read

Do you have any constructive advice @JinglyJingles or are you just here to tell us that paedophiles shouldn't face justice?
If so, I don't think this is the thread for you.

[quote Mylifehasimploded]@Afterdinnerchocs I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’ve been able to receive help. I worry for her, she seems to be completely unaffected by it all and then she will say something that makes me see that she’s keeping it all in.
I never once doubted her, as soon as she told me I believed her. She has said that is the one thing she will always be grateful for as she’d been online and seen how many parents/relatives either don’t believe, or believe but keep in contact with the abuser. That would never happen. He is dead to me, as are my family. Unfortunately we have no other family to rely on, but we will get through it.
I’m just having a really down day today and needed to tell ‘someone’[/quote]
You sound brilliant @Mylifehasimploded

Honestly your love and support will be the biggest factor in healing.

Children are incredibly resilient and this experience doesn't mean that she'll have longterm problems. I'm not minimising what she's gone through but I want you to understand that she absolutely does have the opportunities for a normal life with loving relationships - and the reason she has that is because you have supported her and given her the help she needs.

I think treating her 'normally' as much as possible is important. Get through this and process it, but as time passes, don't let your guilt or sadness allow you to treat her differently to her sister or let her 'get away' with normal disciplinary issues - consistent fair boundaries from a safe and loving parent are important for security.

Oh darling, I could have written your post word for word. My father and my daughter. She told us when she was 13. He started raping her at the age of 9.

Reported to the police. Not enough evidence. A year to the day of his arrest he phoned me at work and confessed. I asked home to phone again when I was home, recorded the conversation. Arrested, charged. He walked free from court and my family supported him and turned their back on us. We went and gave evidence at the Truth Project. The way these crimes are treated is so, so wrong.

3 years on my daughter has had counsellor and EMDR which we paid for, she has grown into the most beautiful, kind, intelligent young woman and I couldn't be more proud of her.

I kept dialogue open with my daughter. She says it will shape her, but never define her.

My love to to you both

Keep going with the psych, especially for your daughter. Even if you have to take a loan out or something, please don't underestimate how much this will help her as she gets older. We have seen first-hand how much therapy has helped and how much stopping/not having therapy can destroy or really damage children as they get older.

All the very best, OP. Believing and supporting your child is the absolute best thing you can do, especially in spite of your family.

I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this, there aren't even the words.

It's probably too raw right now but maybe at some point you might want to look into groups you can join to protect children, something safe, not an angry mob, although you'd be fully justified in wanting one of those, people who campaign for law changes that kind of thing, to try to channel your own experiences into something good, that can help some people.

The way these crimes are treated is so, so wrong

my family supported him and turned their back on us

@bruisedbutnotbeaten I am so sorry what happened your daughter and to you.

I think those 2 points you raised are the 2 hardest realities certainly I had to eventually come to terms with from my own experiences and they are almost universal in other victims I’ve heard from. Society and particularly families cannot deal with abuse so instead they sweep it away. When people are faced with the reality of abuse in their own families they deny, minimise and dismiss the behaviours as the go to psychological defence mechanisms. It is shameful and a huge betrayal of victims and the people who stand with them.

But personally once I came to terms with that life and the consequences of those realities I could properly move on. It takes time and it is a huge grieving process but it can be incorporated.

@Devilmakes3

The way these crimes are treated is so, so wrong

my family supported him and turned their back on us

@bruisedbutnotbeaten I am so sorry what happened your daughter and to you.

I think those 2 points you raised are the 2 hardest realities certainly I had to eventually come to terms with from my own experiences and they are almost universal in other victims I’ve heard from. Society and particularly families cannot deal with abuse so instead they sweep it away. When people are faced with the reality of abuse in their own families they deny, minimise and dismiss the behaviours as the go to psychological defence mechanisms. It is shameful and a huge betrayal of victims and the people who stand with them.

But personally once I came to terms with that life and the consequences of those realities I could properly move on. It takes time and it is a huge grieving process but it can be incorporated.

Thank you and for your experience

If I'm brutally honest. When my daughter told me it all made sense, but even I thought at times to start with 'maybe there's been a misunderstanding' 'my dad wouldn't do that'. It takes time to process. So I can see how other family members behave the way they do. Just sort of hope with time they'll realise

I reiterate what everyone else has said; support, believe and counselling.

I'm just so sad and so sorry to read this thread. Hugs to you, OP. I know that sounds useless, but sincerely, if I could reach out and hug you and your DD, I would.
I am in similar shoes. I too am waiting on the CPS to decide what the charges will be. My husband moved out 4 months ago after the shit hit the fan. He abused our daughter for 4 years. What can I say that only you lot would understand? It's a fucking journey, inside out.

DD and I talk a lot lately about what justice means. For her and for me, 'justice' has to be beyond prison bars and walls. Because I am learning fast that my ex won't get the punishment he deserves. He'll get a handful of years if we're lucky, and he won't serve the full sentence. You see it all the time. These guys imprison children for all of their lives. My daughter has been a nomad in her own childhood. These men take something so irreplaceable away from the very people they've given a childhood to. My daughter won't get back those vanished years, lost to abuse and all the shit that comes with it. She gets a lifetime of living with 'healing'. yay!
I can use all the positive, pop-psychology terminology in existence. I can and do siphon the words of Gabor Mate, who really is a healing voice. I can help my daughter meditate and breathe her way through this trauma. And all of it helps but none of it takes it away. There is no way I can cut this tumour out from her emotional being. It's become part of her. What I have to help her with is ensuring it doesn't define her. She has to find some way of loving the body she hates, respecting the violated person she is, and finding value in a life she feels isn't even worth living. And I don't have the tools. I'm rummaging around, desperately looking for the equipment she needs and I come up for air empty-handed and more lost than ever as a parent.

We've lost family... friends. It's a terrible cut, watching these people just switch and walk into the shadows alongside some fucking paedophile. I never knew such anger could rise from me, womb deep, soul-deep. This mourning has a sound. I've never known such anger in my life. It is an anger that becomes bigger than you and those around you. It is a behemoth.

Counselling is the hardest thing to do. I dread it every single week. And yet, it is the very thing that has given DD and I strength we wouldn't have found on our own.

My daughter said to me last night on a dog walk, 'we've already won'. And she's right. Come what may... and he may walk, probably will because these assclowns do, we won. On the day he walked out the door for good, we won. We don't feel that vindication yet, but one day, we will. He is not in our lives and never will be again. I don't have to cry and wonder why my marriage is shit or wonder why I feel like the bad wife who isn't giving enough love. He really was unlovable and horrible and unable to be a good father and husband. It wasn't in my head. I wasn't mad, like he said I was. And he doesn't get to inhibit my daughter's growth and happiness ever again. He's done doing that. He gets to live his life out as the sad, fucking pervy asshole sex offender that he is. He is no longer a Volvo driving assclown GP who rammed the Important Letters after his name down everyone's fucking throats for pleasure. He can no longer pretend he is anything other than what he is: a terrible person. And whether he frolics into the sunset or rots behind bars, he can't escape himself. But we can. We all can. Fuck these assholes. Dry your tears (hard to do... have you ever cried this much?). Wash your hands and move forward into high noon's shadowless light.
And that's the justice... the freedom to live a life out of the shadow of their heinous abuse. It takes time. But time is our ally.

Jingle whatever is clearly bonkers/dumb as fk, but just to add that paedophile in rhe sense of people who are attracted to only children, are a minute group, and apparently have notable brain differences. That does not mean it is excusable and rhey can't help themselves etc. Just that they are wired, and not really fixable and a perpetual threat in the sane way as psychopaths etc.

Pedophiles, as commonly used to refer to.child sex abusers, are not "true" paedophiles, but they are the majority. They share a lack of empathy, an exploitative nature, a lack of boundaries etc. They are not specifically/only attracted sexually and "romantically" to children, they are just predators who recognise children as a vulnerable and exploitable resource for sex/sexual.gratification. Predator, with a lack of morals and empathy, is their MO.

The vast majority of child sex abusers fall into this group. You cannot rehabilitate predators with no empathy, they are wired that way. They are also intensely manipulative.

Moreover, prison most certainly is about punishment as well as rehabilitation. Not sure why anyone would think otherwise.