Paedophile dad

[Mylifehasimploded]

I’ve changed names in case anyone can ID me in real life.
I’ve just found out that my dad is a child abuser who targeted and abused my child over the course of a few years.

Police are involved, and they are waiting for the CPS to say whether they will charge him or not. I don’t know what I’ll do if they can’t/won’t charge him.
My immediate family have decided to support him over my child, although they do think he did commit the acts he’s been accused of.
I’m at a loss as to how or why family members would take this stance. Why would you support a paedophile?
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with things if he’s charged, or if he isnt charged. He’s late 70’s, in bad health, and I’m aware the CPS only have certain funding. I’m not sure how the cps works and whether lack of funding/Covid would mean he gets away with it.
I want him to pay, I want him to suffer. Part of me wishes I’d left the police out of it, and sorted out my own punishment for him.
I’m at a loss as to what to do. My whole life has changed, I don’t know how to support my child and it’s not easy to discuss in real life. I feel my life has been a lie, that I’ve let my child down.
I wondered if anyone had any experience of this situation. At times it makes me feel so angry, at other times I wish my life was over. I don’t know why I’m posting really, I’m just having a really tough time

Op your anger/feelings are 100% understandable.

When my partner and i discussed this (on the back of cases in the local news) he said he would kill the abuser, and do the time. And I agreed.
This is not a vague, delusional plan: he gas access to weapons and has shot them since he was a child.

You don't mention your dad's dad, if im correct?

What is their stance?

On the subject of the "family", your dd is a very young woman with no assets that they might acquire from her; the child sex abusers is an older bam wity a lifetime of assets assets thry hope to acquire through inheritance.

Money is more important to hem than integrity. And that's a tale as old as time.

Also the while thing is so disturbing and shocking abd "unbelievable: thst they don't want to believe it.

Also the public/social disgrace & embarrassment is huge. Easier to pretend he's wrongly accused and you'd you'd abd you are delusional/deluded, mad, have a grudge etc etc.

There seems to be a script for the family members who stand by child sex abusers. I don't know if anyone has ever complied it.

*your dds Dad

@HelenGraham2121. Her dad isn’t in her life, he hasn’t seen her in a few years (his choice). I dread him finding out as it’ll be something to abuse me about, but I’ll deal with that when/if it happens.

I’m really shocked that it’s as prevelant. I knew all about stranger danger, and also that abusers are generally known to the family, but even on this thread, it’s clear a lot of people have experience.

Initially, as she was so young, she had no idea what he was doing was wrong, it was only as she grew older that the slow reality dawned. I’ve no idea how he manipulated her into staying quiet, that has been discussed in her police interview but the police liaison officer advised me not to ask questions, and only talk about the abuse if she brought it up (which she doesn’t).
This is going to sound wrong, and I’m struggling to put my thoughts into words, but the fact my family members are supporting him feels ‘worse’ in some ways. I know obviously it’s not, but I never for a second thought they would support him. They have said they believe us, yet choose to support him (there’s money involved, so I imagine my dad is promising them it all).
My counsellor thinks he is a sociopath, and I’d have to agree. He will never confess, and he has blamed me in his statement saying I forced her to make up the allegations.

I’m struggling to keep up with the messages so apologies for not replying individually.
To everyone who has suffered in a similar way, I can’t express how sorry I am. I thought the last few years of a cheating husband were bad, but that was nothing compared to this. My daughters childhood taken, her future possibly affected, my whole life feeling like a lie, and he’s walking around like nothing has happened. I’ve never felt so much hatred for anyone in my life, and I’m scared of these feelings should he not be charged.

@Mylifehasimploded it’s years of conditioning that does it. My uncle moved over to sly physical ‘punishments’ like a well placed kick when no one could see when I tried to stop him tickling me. They intimidate you so you feel that constant fear, and remember them telling you to keep it a secret or you’ll loose everything and everyone will hate you. However, there’s a lot of power that comes from living through your worst nightmare. She will get through this with you on her side. You will get through it too. I know youve been told not to ask her about it by the police but this only applies until after the trial whatever the outcome may be. At that point DO talk to her because for her the next chapter will just be starting when a lot of people will try to say ‘it’s over now let’s put this behind you’. It’s not something you can ever close the door on. For me, it feels like a foundation stone of who I am and horrible as it may be, it needs to be acknowledged. It is something that happened to her, it’s not something for her to feel any shame over and hush up about to make other people feel comfortable… I really hope I’m making sense?

The betrayal is bone-deep, OP, isn't it? We say a lot throughout our lives, "It's hard to put into words," but in this case, it really is almost impossible. There isn't the language to convey this sense of betrayal. I often think of my first marriage in my 20s, many moons ago (I'm 50 now) and within 6 months of our son's birth, my ex had met someone and it was all done, dusted, and heartbreaking. For many years, I still loved him. That love, tied to such loss, was hard to carry. But I lost him for reasons that, while incredibly painful, were palatable, tolerable... I could recover from infidelity. And he never, ever, ever harmed our child.
But then there's this situation with my 2nd husband, who is on the way to becoming an ex. And you could say the same about your own dad. Because of the abuse, sexual abuse of your own child, there is no love left to fall back on. In this ocean of grief, there's no lifebuoy of past love to cling to; no loving memory to use as your water wings. You're out there, navigating this pain without so much of a taste of that past love for that person to sustain you. It's all just pure, bitter betrayal and dishonesty and nothing else. I feel like I don't even get a chance to grieve for the loss of my husband or the failure of this marriage because our divorce is born of something so bitterly odious and dark. I hold this person up to the light and he's totally opaque. There is nothing left but rage and anger and total betrayal. And I think for you, for me, for all of us mothers whose daughters have been abused by these assclowns, the betrayal is our greatest hurdle. These are men of trust... love is meant to be unconditional. Fathers and grandfathers, uncles, brothers... these are supposed to be the men who would take a bullet for the females in their lives. When they become the pain and the damage, when they become the predators hunting those they should be protecting, when they become the reason a female cannot trust a male, it is insufferable not only trying to come to terms with that pain but trying to find the language to convey that pain.
So deep is the betrayal, that this is grief in its purest form. It is soul-destroying. And the trauma of facing charges and police and trials and therapy and the unraveling of the family and the home is just layer upon layer added to the layer upon layer the host trauma itself: the violation of your DD. Police and CPS need to move way faster on these cases because they don't bother to understand that they are dealing with suicidal children carrying the enormous and multiple losses of self-worth, childhood, identity... you yourself are carrying the hijacking of your role as your daughter's protector (which is pulverised by abusers) and your identity as your father's daughter.
What you do have is a voice and you will be your daughter's greatest advocate. Together you will find shared justice.

Also, find strength in your daughter's ability to break through that silence built up by her abuser. She busted through that silence and spoke. I find myself gathering courage vicariously through my DD. They've carried this pain and silence for years. For us, it is raw. For them, it is part of who they are. And in some ways, I find my DD coping better than I am- though, she's not really coping at all. But she has a way of seeing things differently and combatting things better than I can at the moment courtesy of having had to accommodate the abuse and the silence for years. By speaking up, she released some of that pain... it is a freedom of a sort, speaking up.
If only police and CPS and the whole judicial system could work harder to make speaking up worth their while. How many times has my daughter said, "I'm not sure why I spoke up," because sometimes it all seems so much more uphill than she imagined. Sometimes it feels like even the law is out to protect the abuser. It's his word against hers, him fighting harder than ever to take down her truth and tackle it to the ground, and making sure that he comes out on top of all of this is all just another trauma. We're dealing with horrible human beings, manipulative monsters, and that's the bottom line. But as I said before OP, justice is having these assclowns out of our lives. But the betrayal and the pain of knowing that we trusted and loved these abusers is going to take me at least, a lifetime to work through.

This is going to sound wrong, and I’m struggling to put my thoughts into words, but the fact my family members are supporting him feels ‘worse’ in some ways. I know obviously it’s not, but I never for a second thought they would support him.

That is how I feel too @Mylifehasimploded and I make zero apologies for it. My feelings are my own. I feel equally as betrayed by my brother and by my father and mother and I feel betrayed by the people who have silently sat by while my life crumbled apart and absolutely silently gone along with what has happened, the impact that had on me and my children has been enormous.

Devilmakes3

I am in tears reading these messages, I want to reach out and hug you OP and all you posters who have been through unthinkable suffering. I wish I could make your pain go away. As a survivor of CSA too I hear the thoughts and feelings that had me by the throat so many years, echoing in your voices and stories.

OP you are an amazing mum, the fact that you have believed your daughter and are supporting her so wonderfully, squarely by her side and on her side is powerful and healing in itself. You may not share the faith I do, but I wanted to encourage you that if your father escapes prosecution through our criminal justice system, that there is a justice higher than human justice, and a court higher than our highest court of law, and before this High Court your father will be required to make account one day.

It may seem so out of reach right now but you WILL get through this and so will your DD. The night can be cold and cruel and dark, but the sun will rise again and you will feel it’s warmth and breathe the free air 💐

I am so so sorry to read this story , what an awful thing for you and your daughter

I also was that daughter - not believed until my sister told the same story

Then was told to just "move on "

Then ostracised by whole family as I embarrassed them by making it public

I am now 55 and NC , I don't even know if parents are dead or alive

And I don't care

You have my ever bit of sympathy and love sent to you and your dear daughter

Look after each other

NC for this.

Hi @Mylifehasimploded I haven't read through all the replies however I just wanted to give some perspective on the situation as I have a family member (through marriage) who was in the exact same position as your daughter.

She didn't tell anyone until she was 15 and the entire thing was brushed under the carpet, she no longer seen her grandfather however it was never discussed and when he died she was forced to go to his funeral. Years later the past was all dredged up and many family members made it clear that they didn't believe her, despite her own brother stating that he had witnessed an event when he was also a young child that he kind of buried at the time. To this day her father is still racked with guilt over the entire thing and despite counselling on and off she has never gotten over it.

As an outsider looking in I can categorically say that it was the way it was handled that caused the most damage. I am not in any way minimising sexual abuse but the lack of support, belief and betrayal has caused so much damage to her and she really struggles now to lead a normal life. She also was never supported with counselling as again the family didn't even want the words spoken aloud - the whole thing was despicable and makes me loathe them all tbh

It sounds like you have been an absolute amazing support and tower of strength for your daughter at a time when you feel like you could fall apart. Stay focused, make sure she stays in intense counselling. The only way to end this is to take this as far as it can go and get a prison sentence. Although as a parent I would never condemn murder. Good luck

I have an ex-family member who was accused of sexually abusing his daughter. From what I can tell the police and the cps took it very seriously from the start. He, of course, denied everything. Apparently the mother taught her dd what to say and accessed child abuse images on his pc/phone so that they both receive victim compensation. Thankfully the court saw straight through it and he received a longer sentence for trying to deny it.

Cut off anyone who doesn’t side with you and your dd. Peadophile apologists are as bad as peadophiles as far as any decent person is concerned. You’re doing the best that you can in this horrific situation.

I hope he gets a similar prison sentence. My ex-family member is utterly miserable by all accounts which is still far better then he deserves.

You are an amazing mum OP. Your daughter will always know that her Mum loves her and has her back. That will help her get through this. The paedophile deserves to die in prison so don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling very natural feelings. I was an abuse victim, no one believed me. It's very common but no less hurtful. I don't think your daughter was the first unfortunately. There may be some in your family staying silent out of a misplaced sense of shame.

there are ways to exact revenge yourself if the court doesnt go your way

id leak his address for starters i wouldnt let him get away with it

Thank you for everyone’s comments. I genuinely didn’t realise how common it was for family members to stay in contact with the abuser. For me, it was very simple, I would believe my daughter any day over my dad. My one regret is I phoned him when I knew, and I know now I shouldn’t have, I should have left it to the police. It tipped him off and gave him time to make shit up, although a friend has said he will have had a few stories ready depending on the circumstances that led to his questioning.
Others have put it much better than me, because I can’t verbalise the anger I have inside me. It’s in my head every day, my dreams seem to include him or my childhood home, no respite.
Luckily, we now live a fair drive away, because I’m scared at the feelings I have to hurt him, but know I can’t because I’m my daughters only parent.

mylife both your daughter and yourself will recover. It will take time but it will happen. You are presently navigating a very difficult environment where people you once thought you can trust have proved that they aren’t trustworthy. Don’t underestimate how well you are doing. You are your daughters anchor.

When she is an adult with children of her own she will look back on this terrible period of her life and remember how you protected her and how you were there for her. Take courage and solace in that. I’m in awe of you.

@HelenGraham2121

Jingle whatever is clearly bonkers/dumb as fk, but just to add that paedophile in rhe sense of people who are attracted to only children, are a minute group, and apparently have notable brain differences. That does not mean it is excusable and rhey can't help themselves etc. Just that they are wired, and not really fixable and a perpetual threat in the sane way as psychopaths etc.

Pedophiles, as commonly used to refer to.child sex abusers, are not "true" paedophiles, but they are the majority. They share a lack of empathy, an exploitative nature, a lack of boundaries etc. They are not specifically/only attracted sexually and "romantically" to children, they are just predators who recognise children as a vulnerable and exploitable resource for sex/sexual.gratification. Predator, with a lack of morals and empathy, is their MO.

The vast majority of child sex abusers fall into this group. You cannot rehabilitate predators with no empathy, they are wired that way. They are also intensely manipulative.

Moreover, prison most certainly is about punishment as well as rehabilitation. Not sure why anyone would think otherwise.

Probably because the don't rehabilitate prisoners by locking them in cells 23hrs a day. Hence the hi level of reoffending in sex offenders.

@Mylifehasimploded

Thank you for everyone’s comments. I genuinely didn’t realise how common it was for family members to stay in contact with the abuser. For me, it was very simple, I would believe my daughter any day over my dad. My one regret is I phoned him when I knew, and I know now I shouldn’t have, I should have left it to the police. It tipped him off and gave him time to make shit up, although a friend has said he will have had a few stories ready depending on the circumstances that led to his questioning. Others have put it much better than me, because I can’t verbalise the anger I have inside me. It’s in my head every day, my dreams seem to include him or my childhood home, no respite. Luckily, we now live a fair drive away, because I’m scared at the feelings I have to hurt him, but know I can’t because I’m my daughters only parent.

It wouldn't have mattered that you called him because in their minds they haven't actually done something wrong anyway, so he always will have denied it. When my friend was 12 she told her mother their lodger had been abusing her and her sisters since they were 9. The mother asked him if it was true and he replied that it was what they all wanted and it taught them. Within 18 months of this revelation her mother had married her children's abuser. The ultimate betrayal from their own mum. Marrying the man she knew had sexually abused her three daughters for years. That marriage lasted around 8 years. They all stayed in contact with their mother and her beloved peadophile and never mentioned her betrayal of them ever. It was like a happy family unit where nothing had happened.

@Calamitydrayne that is seriously awful the betrayal is immense, when my story came out a friend of a friend told me her story of a grandfather who abused her and really all of his grandchildren and when it came out it became obvious he’d abused his children too. And the parents generation still wax lyrical about what a great Dad he was to them after letting all their respective children be abused by him. And what is really sad was that he used the exact same modus operandi with all of his victims - teaching them how to drive. It is absolutely shocking.

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a terrible ordeal which is extremely similar to my own experience.
I am married with two girls aged 11 and 17.
We thought we had this close amazing family until we were told an extremely shocking secret our children had been holding on to.
My eldest daughter during the summer in 2021 come into my bedroom shaking and saying 'I don't like it' her grandfather had commented on a dress on her what's app profile pic with 'I like that dress sexy' accompanied with a sweating imoji. We immediately called my husbands dad who said that it was inappropriate to write that. After the phone call she stood back up and told us that her grandad had touched her down there for years from ages 6 or 7 to 9. We were in shock and checked with our over child who virtually mirrored the same comments as her sister.
We could not believe it, our children had their grandparents in their life from being babies. They slept over alot and I relied on them especially for work commitments.
Fast forward 6 months and this man fully confessed to his disgusting acts and was sent to prison on 3rd Dec 2021 for 4 years and 8 months of which he'll spend half in prison half in licence.
My husband has lost his whole family, his mum who was his absolute everything disappeared out of his life, we could not have her in it as she would not give up the man she had been with for 50 years, she has had 6 month to get it to sink in what he has done and she obviously has made her decision on what she wants in life. She has lost her son, her grand daughters because she chose the abuser. His excuse for doing it was because his wife did not give him any sexual attention.
My husband has been suicidal, heavy drinking and I tell you this it hit me like a tonne of bricks.
My eldest hates him and all of his family and has moved on from it all, she wants to be a detective which we have made the presumption that this has even affected her career choice and she wants to make a difference to the justice system
My youngest is getting there now too.
We now see ourself as a small family and the only people that matter is the 4 of us.
As time goes by you heal slightly, it's hard believe me and I'm still early on in my recovery from this but I tell you what, it makes you a stronger person overall.
We're moving and having a fresh start this year to get away from the family all in this town. I Will never understand any of them, they are disgusting individuals who clearly deserve each other. Hang on in there if you ever need a chat I'm here big hugs xxxxxx

@VLouise12

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a terrible ordeal which is extremely similar to my own experience. I am married with two girls aged 11 and 17. We thought we had this close amazing family until we were told an extremely shocking secret our children had been holding on to. My eldest daughter during the summer in 2021 come into my bedroom shaking and saying 'I don't like it' her grandfather had commented on a dress on her what's app profile pic with 'I like that dress sexy' accompanied with a sweating imoji. We immediately called my husbands dad who said that it was inappropriate to write that. After the phone call she stood back up and told us that her grandad had touched her down there for years from ages 6 or 7 to 9. We were in shock and checked with our over child who virtually mirrored the same comments as her sister. We could not believe it, our children had their grandparents in their life from being babies. They slept over alot and I relied on them especially for work commitments. Fast forward 6 months and this man fully confessed to his disgusting acts and was sent to prison on 3rd Dec 2021 for 4 years and 8 months of which he'll spend half in prison half in licence. My husband has lost his whole family, his mum who was his absolute everything disappeared out of his life, we could not have her in it as she would not give up the man she had been with for 50 years, she has had 6 month to get it to sink in what he has done and she obviously has made her decision on what she wants in life. She has lost her son, her grand daughters because she chose the abuser. His excuse for doing it was because his wife did not give him any sexual attention. My husband has been suicidal, heavy drinking and I tell you this it hit me like a tonne of bricks. My eldest hates him and all of his family and has moved on from it all, she wants to be a detective which we have made the presumption that this has even affected her career choice and she wants to make a difference to the justice system My youngest is getting there now too. We now see ourself as a small family and the only people that matter is the 4 of us. As time goes by you heal slightly, it's hard believe me and I'm still early on in my recovery from this but I tell you what, it makes you a stronger person overall. We're moving and having a fresh start this year to get away from the family all in this town. I Will never understand any of them, they are disgusting individuals who clearly deserve each other. Hang on in there if you ever need a chat I'm here big hugs xxxxxx

I am so so sorry.

How brave have your girls been

@Mylifehasimploded I am devastated reading your thread.

You're an amazing mother, I hope you know that?

My 'father' abused me and my siblings for years, it spanned decades.

We were never brave enough to speak up. We finally spoke to each other and due to circumstances in recent years we have all cut contact with him.

We didn't report him, I wish we had, but I did ask his sister once (after a discussion with my sisters which made it clear she was aware) why she never helped us.

She replied "it was none of my business" so I can guess if we ever had spoken out, we wouldn't have been believed.

I want to say well done to your beautiful girl, what she has done has taken some bravery and no matter the outcome, #webelieve her 💙

@VLouise12. I’m so sorry. I wish my dad would confess, but he never will. I’m still waiting to hear if the CPS will charge him.
My uncle’s wife….she doesn’t want to take sides, so I’ve cut them out. I’ve not heard from my brother in months, and doubt I ever will.
I just can’t believe people’s attitudes, it just astounds me.
I’m glad you’re healing together x