Paedophile dad

[Mylifehasimploded]

I’ve changed names in case anyone can ID me in real life.
I’ve just found out that my dad is a child abuser who targeted and abused my child over the course of a few years.

Police are involved, and they are waiting for the CPS to say whether they will charge him or not. I don’t know what I’ll do if they can’t/won’t charge him.
My immediate family have decided to support him over my child, although they do think he did commit the acts he’s been accused of.
I’m at a loss as to how or why family members would take this stance. Why would you support a paedophile?
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with things if he’s charged, or if he isnt charged. He’s late 70’s, in bad health, and I’m aware the CPS only have certain funding. I’m not sure how the cps works and whether lack of funding/Covid would mean he gets away with it.
I want him to pay, I want him to suffer. Part of me wishes I’d left the police out of it, and sorted out my own punishment for him.
I’m at a loss as to what to do. My whole life has changed, I don’t know how to support my child and it’s not easy to discuss in real life. I feel my life has been a lie, that I’ve let my child down.
I wondered if anyone had any experience of this situation. At times it makes me feel so angry, at other times I wish my life was over. I don’t know why I’m posting really, I’m just having a really tough time

You have believed and supported your child, that is the best possible thing you could have done for her. Concentrate on surviving the next bit, then the next bit. There are some good group therapy for survivors of CSA and groups that focus on the adults and family members. You mustn’t feel guilty and neither must either of your daughters the only guilt here is from that fucking shit head perverted bastard, fuck him, beating the shit out of him will get you put away and your kids need you. He’s an old pervert and he knows he is, he knows what he did and he knows your daughter was brave enough to stand up for herself. She’s already beaten him. Fuck the rest of his apologists too, shame on them. (Sorry for bad language).

So JinglyJingles doesn't think paedophiles should be punished, but she'd like to kick heads in for disagreeing with her.

Think on, as they say in Yorkshire!

Hi all,

Thanks for all the reports. JinglyJingles will not be posting on the thread any longer, but we'll leave it full of holes if we delete all of their posts and the quotes, so we are going to leave them up for now.

Best wishes OP, what a horrible situation.

@Mylifehasimploded keep being a lioness now mum, your girls are lucky to have you, keep doing what you're doing

I'm surrounded by loving family, friends and inlaws who all accept me, I'm a little bit broken but that's ok. I know to fully trust my feelings and my gut instinct and I never fully trust anyone except my inner circle with my children or my families children. I have brilliant siblings who never doubted me and always have my back.

Horrific - so sorry - everyone’s worst nightmare! If he’d never shown any abusive behaviour towards you I’m not surprised you trusted him with your child, he’s your father after all! I wouldn’t be surprised if others came forward - it’s rarely just one child they abuse, it would strengthen your case in terms of cps but I would add going to trial if he pleads not guilty will be traumatic for your child so she’ll need some really good professional support if this happens. I hope the old bastard rots for what he’s done to you and your daughter!

@Briscarta. Thank you, and I’m sorry you were in my daughters position. Is there anything you wish your mother had done that would have made a difference? I will never let him near her, I’ve cut everyone out, she’s having counselling. I’ve been advised not to talk to her about the abuse unless she talks about it. That’s what I’m doing, what’s really hard is not feeling able to talk about my childhood as I used to. He was a shit dad, I can’t really remember much of being small, I always only remember my grandparents and aunts/uncles but am finding it hard to even reminisce or talk about anything even loosely connected. I feel I’ve lost my whole life, if that makes sense?

I want to do the right thing, and I want her to be able to live a good life, but I’ve no idea how I do that

I'm so sorry this has happened. You've had some good advice here.

This happened in my partner's family. We took the side of the victim and as a result we now only see about one fifth of the large family. Mainly due to extended family trying not to take sides whom which we decided to no longer engage with. The situation was made worse by the abuser (the girl's uncle) escaping a conviction due to some sort of time barred technicality. According to the mother of the victim the judge was disgusted at having to throw the case out. In our opinion there was far too much time between reporting the offences and the trial (2.5 years) I hope this isn't the case for you but do prepare yourselves with good counselling and chase anything that you can.

God, I hope they do decide to charge the filthy nonce, OP. There are a great many old men in prison who are there because their victims had the guts to speak out, sometimes years and years after the abuse. The vast majority of those old men will die in jail. Its not about revenge - its about justice.

Take no notice of Jingly. I think the schools go back next week.

Hey Op. this could be the story of my life, I was targeted and abused by a close family member and finally let it out when I was in my teens and breaking down completely.
Most of that side of my family sided with the abuser specifically because they wanted to keep things ‘in the family’ and did not want him to be convicted.
The trial was horrific. They tried to paint a picture of me as a crazy sex obsessed messed up teen. They used the fact I dressed alternatively as ammunition. They prevented my psychiatrist, gp and sister from speaking at the trial. It was just awful. It was a hung jury and in the end he got off.
The trial process is not kind or fair or reasonable but AT LEAST I had a chance. At least I knew that I had done everything I could to prevent it happening to someone else. I have clung to that ever since.

The best advice I can give is to back your daughter completely. Give her space to talk about it whenever she needs to. I still think about it most days and his face is still in every nightmare. This will never leave her but she can grow past it. Don’t push her to be ok as my parents did with the phrase ‘if you don’t move forward he’ll win’ as that mentality made me shove everything in again until I broke down for the second time a couple of years later. Be there, love her, move if she needs you to, never ever let the rest of your family have a second of your or her time again. Be angry with her and for her, it’s exactly what she needs. The little hurt girl needs to know she is and will always be worth that anger. Feel free to DM me if you need to. And tell her I am now grown, married, two beautiful kids and a home and business of my own. She is a survivor, not a victim.

Firstly, well done for doing everything right - you’ve believed your daughter straight away and been to the police.
I wish more parents were like you!

Secondly, I would want him dead.
However, please be careful and not do anything that is going to cause you to end up in prison and be away from your daughters.

I know it doesn’t mean much but I watched a programme called something like there’s a peado in my family.

I wouldn’t advise watching it as it will make you angry but there was a women who’s husband was convicted of being a peado and she saw that he had awful images on his computer but it literally would not register with her that he’d done it.
She really pissed me off because she’d be giggling and she’d get dressed up and get her hair and make up done and buy flowers when visiting him in prison, saying how excited she was to see him. She kept smiling and laughing saying she knows what he’s done but she’s not bothered.

Then he came out of prison and it must have all of a sudden clicked because she left him and never spoke to him again. She apologised to her family and just said she never thought he would be capable of it and she just couldn’t comprehend it.

[quote Mylifehasimploded]@Afterdinnerchocs I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’ve been able to receive help. I worry for her, she seems to be completely unaffected by it all and then she will say something that makes me see that she’s keeping it all in.
I never once doubted her, as soon as she told me I believed her. She has said that is the one thing she will always be grateful for as she’d been online and seen how many parents/relatives either don’t believe, or believe but keep in contact with the abuser. That would never happen. He is dead to me, as are my family. Unfortunately we have no other family to rely on, but we will get through it.
I’m just having a really down day today and needed to tell ‘someone’[/quote]
That will be the rock that she holds on to. Mum believed her and sod anyone else who didn't. You sound like a brilliant mum who is doing her best in terrible circumstances. Keep going, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's just hard to see it sometimes. She will keep somethings back because it's so hard to say them out loud and hearing them while you say it can take you back to the experience. Love will hold you together. Mama bear mode is the default feeling when someone has hurt your child and that is ok. It's a shame that the children and adults who have been hurt in that way can't decide the punishments for the crime, the world would be safer.
I've often said that the message most countries put out is, don't you dare come to our country and corrupt our adults with drugs but ah don't worry about hurting our children we will just give you a slap on the wrist.

@JinglyJingles

There is no point getting further revenge than is going to be put in place other than for the OP's own gratification. Which is petty.

What’s wrong with you, for God’s sake?? Have you got no empathy??

My friend went through this. Her father was abusing his granddaughter. He did go to prison when police got involved. A harrowing time, so sorry OP

OP, I am so sorry for you and your daughter

@Pbbananabagel that's how I described myself, I'm not a victim I'm a survivor. Not much scares me anymore as I faced evil before I was even an adult.

What a dreadful thing to have to go through. I am so sorry that you and your daughter have had to go through this.

I hope the counselling will help. If you get to a point where you can no longer afford a private therapist, there are some really good charities, like Mind for example, who offer affordable or free sessions.

It makes me so angry to hear that your family are supporting that vile individual. I never understand how people can support abusers in this way. I hope you cut them all out of life. They are a waste of space.

This man will hopefully rot in prison. Paedophiles are hated by all other inmates so it will not be a pleasant experience for him to say the least.

@JinglyJingles: you complete idiot. Go away. This man deserves to be punished...

I'm sorry this happened to you and your daughter.

I would also eco looking at other counselling options. 8 years on from conviction and 11 years on from the csa I still receive regular counselling. I would also look into family counselling for you and your children.
I wish my parents had done this because it definitely has affected our relationship as a family.

OP I am so sorry for what your DD has been through, and for what you're now all going through as a family. Your other DC will also be affected and need their own safe space to talk through their feelings of guilt/relief at not being targeted.

I never once doubted her, as soon as she told me I believed her. She has said that is the one thing she will always be grateful for as she’d been online and seen how many parents/relatives either don’t believe, or believe but keep in contact with the abuser. That would never happen.

You are absolutely doing all the right things, and cutting off your pathetic apologist family members is absolutely right too. You are giving your DD the best possible chance of recovering from the abuse. If my mum had protected me like you are your DD, it wouldn't have taken me decades to recover.

It's probably a good choice on your DD's part to stick with an established therapeutic relationship - it takes time and work to build up enough trust to speak honestly with someone, so if she already has that relationship with her existing counsellor, it's probably best left in place, unless that professional indicates otherwise.

One thing you might want to consider is a group session - with either or both of your DC. The idea being that you are all in a safe space to state your needs for support and understanding. It can be a scary concept but it can be incredibly useful. It really helped me with my DS when he was in therapy (not abuse related). We just had a couple of joint sessions with his therapist and it helped him express some of his needs and fears to me. It also helped me to be able to express "I cannot continue doing XYZ for you because its crippling me and not doing you any favours".

@Afterdinnerchocs yes exactly this, and there is a lot of power to be taken back from them when we remind ourselves that that’s what we are.

@Briscarta

jingly your comments aren’t helpful - please go away. OP I was your daughter in this situation- my mum was not supportive and this has caused me irreparable damage. Your daughter has a real chance of recovery - and that is down to you being the parent that you are - she’s so lucky to have you.

I second this. If my mother had been half as good as you, my life might have been more bearable. You'll be making a massively positive difference to her.

[quote Mylifehasimploded]@Briscarta. Thank you, and I’m sorry you were in my daughters position. Is there anything you wish your mother had done that would have made a difference? I will never let him near her, I’ve cut everyone out, she’s having counselling. I’ve been advised not to talk to her about the abuse unless she talks about it. That’s what I’m doing, what’s really hard is not feeling able to talk about my childhood as I used to. He was a shit dad, I can’t really remember much of being small, I always only remember my grandparents and aunts/uncles but am finding it hard to even reminisce or talk about anything even loosely connected. I feel I’ve lost my whole life, if that makes sense?

I want to do the right thing, and I want her to be able to live a good life, but I’ve no idea how I do that[/quote]
Let me give you some perspective. When i disclosed the CSA I'd experienced at the hands of my father every day up until the age of 14, to my mother she told me that "you and your father have ruined my life". She then told the family I was lying and stayed with him for another 2 years until he had an affair and then left him. You can imagine what that's done to my self esteem.

You really are doing everything by just believing her and being there.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and your girls, your family's actions are unforgivable and baffling. I can absolutely understand your anger. I hope you get some justice or at the least some healing in the future.

Op please don't hang your hopes on a criminal conviction. It may happen, but statistically it's not likely. If it does happen it will be very very hard for your DD.

I understand your fury (just look at my username) but for your DDs sake, focus with her on moving forward and recovering in the way she needs. That may not jibe with your needs/wants, and that's OK. Explore your anger in your own solo sessions.

You're doing all the right things.

i am so sorry op. you sound like a brilliant mum x