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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Paedophile dad

181 replies

Mylifehasimploded · 30/12/2021 19:24

I’ve changed names in case anyone can ID me in real life.
I’ve just found out that my dad is a child abuser who targeted and abused my child over the course of a few years.

Police are involved, and they are waiting for the CPS to say whether they will charge him or not. I don’t know what I’ll do if they can’t/won’t charge him.
My immediate family have decided to support him over my child, although they do think he did commit the acts he’s been accused of.
I’m at a loss as to how or why family members would take this stance. Why would you support a paedophile?
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with things if he’s charged, or if he isnt charged. He’s late 70’s, in bad health, and I’m aware the CPS only have certain funding. I’m not sure how the cps works and whether lack of funding/Covid would mean he gets away with it.
I want him to pay, I want him to suffer. Part of me wishes I’d left the police out of it, and sorted out my own punishment for him.
I’m at a loss as to what to do. My whole life has changed, I don’t know how to support my child and it’s not easy to discuss in real life. I feel my life has been a lie, that I’ve let my child down.
I wondered if anyone had any experience of this situation. At times it makes me feel so angry, at other times I wish my life was over. I don’t know why I’m posting really, I’m just having a really tough time

OP posts:
Alarchbach · 30/12/2021 21:32

Can’t believe the poster who referred to your feelings as “petty revenge” I swear to god if someone ever touched my child god help them.

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this op, love to you and your daughter xxx

itsacovidxmasone · 30/12/2021 21:33

I would kill him. What an awful human being.

Pyracanth · 30/12/2021 21:35

I was in a similar situation with my DD’s but we were slightly more removed. My DD’s were not the victim, but we knew the perpetrator very well and if he had not admitted what he’d been accused of I would have had difficulty believing it. There were no signs at all and I was really shocked. Even though my DD’s were not the victim they have had counselling (because of who he was to them) via NHS which has been a bit hit and miss and sometimes long waits. If you can afford private I’d recommend sticking with it as long as possible. Wishing you and your DD’s all the best in a difficult situation, you sound like a very good mum.

SirGawain · 30/12/2021 21:38

@JinglyJingles

Theres no use punishing a pedophile as it's the way their brain is wired. It doesn't matter what you do it won't change them. Paedophiles go to prison not as punishment but to protect others from them. Dont act like it's about punishing him when you want some petty revenge, which is ok to admit given the circumstances.
This is one of the stupidest things I've read on Mumsnet, do we decide not to punish bank robbers or murderers because of the way their brain is wired. The OPs desire to see this nasty man who destroys peoples live punished can hardly be described as petty. You need to sort out your priorities JinglyJingles.
Worldwide2 · 30/12/2021 21:40

@jinglyjingles how dare you come on here and call the op petty for wanting her child's abuser to suffer. You vile person.

Op I'm so sorry this has happened what a disgusting person he is and I would feel the same of someone had done the same to my child as many other people would. I'm glad you have councilling on going. I agree to cut those other family members out of your life they are no good anyway. Do you have anyone to support you? You need to support your daughters but you need help yourself 💐

JinglyJingles · 30/12/2021 21:41

Well that is quite hypocritical of you as you have tried to attack me over the internet with name calling and tone which was harmful and something that you could have controlled. You could've got your point across in another way.

You included as for everyone else who is surprised by what I have said. I'm not sure if you are purposely missing my points in order to feel good that you have 'put something right' in a situation that you can't otherwise control or if you genuinely dont understand and are misrepresenting what I have put. It serves no purpose to make the pedophile suffer. Ive nice thoughts like that before over things like this so I understand but from the outside looking in it is only harmful and not beneficial for the OP to have these thoughts when she should be focusing on healing

JinglyJingles · 30/12/2021 21:42

I'd had thoughts like that before*

Worldwide2 · 30/12/2021 21:42

@itsacovidxmasone yes that's exactly how I would feel too.

LightSpeeds · 30/12/2021 21:42

JinglyJingles: ...and you want something to be done on top of that which serves no benefucial purpose nor will it change him it will just add to the overall damage of the situation

And why not? There would be a lot less crime if people got some real punishment or, better still, a taste of their own medicine. I hope people like him get murdered in or out of prison.

My only sympathy is with the OP and her daughters.

ChaToilLeam · 30/12/2021 21:42

OP, I’m so sorry. He deserves to live out his days in prison. Actually he deserves worse. I’m appalled at your family’s reaction too. Hope your DD will come through this as well as she possibly can, and you too.

@JinglyJingles please just shut up.

JinglyJingles · 30/12/2021 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 21:45

@JinglyJingles

I really think it would be gracious of you to leave the thread as OP is going through one of the worst things a person could, needs support and your previous posts are causing a derail that is going to turn this thread from what could be a source of great support for OP to something adding even more stress to her plate. You made your point and have doubled down on it, so best to leave it there if you don't want to cause further distress to OP.

Worldwide2 · 30/12/2021 21:49

@jinglyjingles wants to smash people's heads in because they have reacted angry to his shitty comments but op can't possibly want to seek revenge on someone who has abuses their child?????

Worldwide2 · 30/12/2021 21:50

@jinglyjingles Biscuit

GoatsAndBarley · 30/12/2021 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

KittyFilter · 30/12/2021 21:51

@jinglyjingles you need to step away from this thread, I don't think anyone is interested in your pov least of all the OP. This is not the time or place.

Briscarta · 30/12/2021 21:53

jingly your comments aren’t helpful - please go away. OP I was your daughter in this situation- my mum was not supportive and this has caused me irreparable damage. Your daughter has a real chance of recovery - and that is down to you being the parent that you are - she’s so lucky to have you.

Afterdinnerchocs · 30/12/2021 21:53

Please please please don't let anyone and I mean anyone who has sided with the abuser be near your child. My dad was/is a pedophile and he wasn't prosecuted for what he tried to do to me as there wasn't enough evidence. My whole life I've felt like because I fought back and did stuff to protect myself from him that I wasn't believed and it was hard to be around members of my wider family as they didn't believe me over him.
I'm 40 and I still don't have a proper relationship with that side of the family as I don't know who I can trust to not be talking to him. I'm nc with both parents as I am 100% sure something happened to me as a baby that they aren't admitting and didn't get me medical attention for which has affected me my whole life.
Always make sure you believe your child and from now on protect them at all costs, if they say someone makes them feel uncomfortable then believe them. It was staff from the children's home I ended up in that rebuilt my confidence and helped change my life for the better. You need to be that for your child.

Hibye23289 · 30/12/2021 21:59

Thank god your daughter has you! You sound like you are doing the best you can. Nothing more annoying than when you are so angry and someone says 'ooh don't say that' type of thing. You have every right to say the most vile things about him!

Antsgomarching · 30/12/2021 21:59

I danno I think if someone harmed my child like that I don’t see how any additional punishment could increase the damage to my child only to the pedophile. the only person who suffers “more” is the pedophile. I’d be fine with that. Yeah they are just that way but no-one forces you to act upon your thoughts. Its the acts that are punished by society.

OP I’m so sorry, this should never happen to anyone, I hope your family can heal over time x i think the way you feel is totally normal,I would be wishing I had sorted him myself i can’t imagine the rage you must feel. I don’t understand your family, I’d definitely cut an abuser off, it’s one of the worst crimes a person can commit a lot of people here would stand with you on that.

Worldwide2 · 30/12/2021 21:59

@afterdinnerchocs Oh im so sorry what you went through.I hope you have loving people around you now and are not suffering given the circumstances Flowers

Original poster
Mylifehasimploded · 30/12/2021 21:59

@JinglyJingles go away. I don’t need to justify my anger to you, and I wasn’t going to attack you, but you appear to be a paedophile apologist. As for wanting to kick heads in because of the comments you’ve received, yet think I’m petty for wanting my dad to be punished, well, words won’t properly convey what I think.
Your comments are not helpful, please leave this thread. I need support, not a paedo apologist.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 30/12/2021 22:03

Well, whatever happens with CPS/prosecution, one thing is for sure, your child will never see him again , won't go to family events attended by him. and neither will you.

 That  is about the one certainty for you to build on, so focus on the changes it will bring..   Time to start   looking for some  hobbies, social activities or sports  etc for you and DC to do together   so you can  rebuild lost  security and  support them.   Then whatever family do or decide  , you and DC  are moving forward, restructuring   your  lives. 

 I'd leave your family to fester for now.  Life will change for them regardless of  trying to paper over the cracks. If there's a court case they may hear  stuff he had denied or concealed from them.  If he's put on the sex offenders register,   there will be implications for  his supporters; social stigma;   other parents with children  avoiding  contact etc.    So given time their current "support"   for him,   may  not last. But that's their mess,   You can't fix them.

I am really sorry you and DC are going through this.

Original poster
Mylifehasimploded · 30/12/2021 22:04

@Afterdinnerchocs I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’ve been able to receive help. I worry for her, she seems to be completely unaffected by it all and then she will say something that makes me see that she’s keeping it all in.
I never once doubted her, as soon as she told me I believed her. She has said that is the one thing she will always be grateful for as she’d been online and seen how many parents/relatives either don’t believe, or believe but keep in contact with the abuser. That would never happen. He is dead to me, as are my family. Unfortunately we have no other family to rely on, but we will get through it.
I’m just having a really down day today and needed to tell ‘someone’

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/12/2021 22:05

I endured "mild" CSA if I found out anyone had done that to my child I would want them dead too.

The affects last a lifetime unfortunately.