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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get out of this mess.

298 replies

KeeG8181 · 27/12/2021 14:04

Name changed.

I have been with my son's dad for 3 years. My son is 2. I am so unbelievably miserable in this relationship it is untrue but for some reason I can't get out of it.

He is financially controlling, he doesn't take all of my money anymore but I pay for absolutely everything, rent, bills, food etc etc and he contributes nothing. He is so verbally unkind to me and calls me ugly fat scruffy etc every name under the sun. He has been violent to me in the past and punched my hand yesterday.

He walks round the house constantly shouting swearing and on top note. Everything has to be his way or no way at all and he takes over everything like decorating my house the way he chooses and taking over rooms with his stuff. He's punched holes in doors etc and broken my things in temper

His family are enablers, they are coming round shortly and I have to sit and listen to them be all nicey nicey to him, they're love bombers as well which is just weird. He threatened to punch me Infront of his dad and his dad did nothing. I hate them and wish I didn't have to see them.

My relationship with my own family is extremely strained because I'm with him and I have no friends anymore.

Why can't I leave. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 27/12/2021 14:07

The good news is because you're already paying for everything you'll actually be better off when you kick him out.
He is abusive, contact woman's aid for help.

RNBrie · 27/12/2021 14:08

Can you bring yourself to call Women's Aid? You're in an abusive relationship and they are extremely hard to leave.

If it were me, I'd call my dad and tell him I'd made a terrible mistake and could he please come and fetch me and the children. Then I'd move in with my parents for a while whilst I figured out all the other details.

If your relationship with your parents is too strained for that, then women's aid is where I'd start.

Good luck. You and your ds deserve so much better.

Thelnebriati · 27/12/2021 14:09

Leaving is hard. Just moving house is a PITA on its own, never mind about getting an abuser out of your life.

Start with the basics, who's name is on the tenanacy? If its just yours, call the police and have him removed. If its joint, you can leave a joint tenancy if you are a victim of DV.
Phone your local police station and ask how you can speak to the domestic violence team.
Phone Women's Aid and ask for help. Start making a plan. Break the inaction and do something, even if its just one small step.

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 27/12/2021 14:11

My dad is dead. My mum won't let me stay at hers as I've not been the best with everything that's gone on. Hes changed my personality so much. I want my family back and I want me back. I don't want to leave this house as it's my home and only my name on it but I seriously don't want the police involved

OP posts:
JackTheHack · 27/12/2021 14:11

Hey, who's name is on the tenency? This is vital then either you move or he does

shouldistop · 27/12/2021 14:13

If the tenancy is just in your name then ask him to leave. If he won't then phone the police.
You have to do this for your child's sake

JackTheHack · 27/12/2021 14:13

You have to get someone involved. Is it council or housing association? Is it mortgaged?? It sounds like he is behaving this way to get you out. He doesn't even like you does he?? Classic behaviour and I bet his folks are in on it too

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 27/12/2021 14:13

My mum doesn't even know I'm still with him. I was so desperate to sort it all out I said we'd broken up and we hadn't. I can't have her round the house because she'd know I lied. I've made such a mess of everything. My mum seems to be narcissistic and blames me for the abuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeeG8181 · 27/12/2021 14:14

My house is housing association. I'm petrified of social services being involved

OP posts:
JackTheHack · 27/12/2021 14:14

Get your ducks in a row for next week when everyone is back to work

JackTheHack · 27/12/2021 14:15

They won't involve SS, but you need to tell them. It won't be the first case they've had

Winniemarysarah · 27/12/2021 14:15

You leave by putting your son first, if not yourself. Forcing a child to grow up in an abusive household is a form of abuse itself. He’s only little now, but in a couple of years he’ll be in school and at some point it’ll slip out that mummy’s scared of daddy, and he shouts and swears and breaks the house and hits her, you’ll end up with social services at your door. What are the living arrangements at the moment? Is he on the tenancy? Do you want him to leave or do you want to leave yourself?

Cici22 · 27/12/2021 14:15

You know what you need to do. Just do it now before it becomes worse

WabbitsAndWeasels · 27/12/2021 14:16

Despite your current difficult relationship with your family do you think any of them would take you in, at least until you could find another place to rent etc? Does he work? Could you use one of those days to pack all your essentials and leave for family?

You're in a potentially very dangerous place as he's already been violent. If you find yourself in danger and have access to a mobile phone (has to be mobile) you can use something called silent solution by dialling 999 then pressing 55. They know you may find it difficult to talk so will try and find ways to get help to you if needed.

You obviously know you need to leave and other people will know of specific charities and groups who can help. You need to do it ASAP but once it's done it's done. I think as there's violence against you it would be easier for you to leave (sadly) as I doubt he'll leave without causing and your property you harm.

ChargingBuck · 27/12/2021 14:16

@KeeG8181

My dad is dead. My mum won't let me stay at hers as I've not been the best with everything that's gone on. Hes changed my personality so much. I want my family back and I want me back. I don't want to leave this house as it's my home and only my name on it but I seriously don't want the police involved
May I ask why you don't want to involve the police?

Because ... organisationally, it's a really simple process. You tell your partner it's over & he needs to move out.

However ... it's obviously NOT emotionally simple for you. So what are the triggers or fears that are preventing you from just opening your mouth, telling him it's over, & expecting him to leave?

Until you are able to deal with those emotions, you are going to continue to feel stuck.
What help do you need to get to the point where you can chuck him out?

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 14:16

If the house tenancy is in your name could you ask the landlord for permission to change the locks?

When he goes out text him and tell him you've packed his things and taken them to his moms or whatever and that it's over and that if he turns up you'll have no choice but to call the police but you'd much rather things remain amicable for the little ones sake?

Winniemarysarah · 27/12/2021 14:16

Cross posted there. Social services won’t get involved if you ask for help. They become involved when abuse gets disclosed or reported.

Thelnebriati · 27/12/2021 14:16

If its your house you don't have to have him live there, but you might not be able to get him out without help.
Do you know how to change the locks? If you told him to leave would he go?

Funnylittlefloozie · 27/12/2021 14:17

I am sure you have your own reasons for not wanting the police involved, but realistically, how else will things change? He's a violent abuser, you have no friends or family to support you, how else will things change for you? You need to get this horrible piece of shit out of your house, and the police will help you.

ChargingBuck · 27/12/2021 14:17

@KeeG8181

My house is housing association. I'm petrified of social services being involved
You have nothing to fear.

So long as you can demonstrate to social services that you are the primary parent & are taking steps to remove the abusive twat from your home, they will support you.

shouldistop · 27/12/2021 14:18

@KeeG8181

My house is housing association. I'm petrified of social services being involved
Even if social services were informed by the police, they would only be concerned if they thought your child wasn't safe. Asking for help to ask an abusive man to leave is you keeping your child safe.
shouldistop · 27/12/2021 14:19

Do this now before irreparable damage is done to your son.
Look up childhood aces. Make the decision for your son to have a better life.

ChrimboGateauxCatto · 27/12/2021 14:20

You need to listen to us. We care. He has you scared of the wrong things. Speak with women's aid and engage with making a safety plan and a plan to get him gone. You deserve better. You are worthy. He is changing your thinking and it needs to stop.

TerraNovaTwo · 27/12/2021 14:21

You need the police to be involved if you want to escape this shitshow, and keep your dc and yourself safe at the same time.

Can you speak to your landlord/managing agent and explain you are paying everything and would like to know if it would be possible to give notice for him to remove his name from the tenancy.

He sounds utterly vile... and so do his family. Get shot of him before you live to regret it/having him in your lives any further. He's doing so much damage to you and your dc already.. there's still time to reverse this and turn yours and dc's one precious life around.

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 27/12/2021 14:26

Yo deserve better. As does your son.

If you stay with this man your poor son will have mental scars. He may choose to abuse his partners in the future or accept being abused himself.

Show him this isn't acceptable. Leave your partner and give your child the gift of safety (mental as well as physical).

Be measured and contact Women's Aid for advice first to avoid any additional harm.

You don't deserve this.

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