How do I get out of this mess.

[KeeG8181]

Name changed.

I have been with my son's dad for 3 years. My son is 2. I am so unbelievably miserable in this relationship it is untrue but for some reason I can't get out of it.

He is financially controlling, he doesn't take all of my money anymore but I pay for absolutely everything, rent, bills, food etc etc and he contributes nothing. He is so verbally unkind to me and calls me ugly fat scruffy etc every name under the sun. He has been violent to me in the past and punched my hand yesterday.

He walks round the house constantly shouting swearing and on top note. Everything has to be his way or no way at all and he takes over everything like decorating my house the way he chooses and taking over rooms with his stuff. He's punched holes in doors etc and broken my things in temper

His family are enablers, they are coming round shortly and I have to sit and listen to them be all nicey nicey to him, they're love bombers as well which is just weird. He threatened to punch me Infront of his dad and his dad did nothing. I hate them and wish I didn't have to see them.

My relationship with my own family is extremely strained because I'm with him and I have no friends anymore.

Why can't I leave. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Thank you for listening.

I know how hard this situation is. I get it. They completely change you and make you feel incapable like you deserve it aswell. I don’t know where in the country you are, but next chapter have been amazing helping me in a similar situation. It’s gunna be hard leaving, regardless if he treats you like shit. Starting again and becoming eventually happy is worth it tho, than carrying on like this. Be brave, you got this!

I hope the visit with this vile creature's family is bearable and good luck in chucking him out! You'll be so much happier in the long run

Sending you love and strength, OP. You've recognised the situation. That means the spell is broken, and you can now start to plan how to leave.

Women's Aid will give you good, practical advice to help you make a plan. There are people who can and will help you - that could include social services and/or the police, too. Start with Women's Aid.

Plenty of support here on MN. Good luck.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Why can't I leave. What the fuck is wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with you. You have fallen victim to a predatory, abusive and controlling man.

You are already doing everything oP, all you need to do now is unhitch this nasty, abusive, bullying freeloader and his spineless relatives and have the peace & safety you deserve. You're really brave - do call womens aid and let them help you form a plan. While it won't be easy, you'll be free from this dark cloud you've been living under and can make your own choices and have your own peace of mind and safety. All the best to you xxx

You need to contact the police and women’s aid. They’ll send someone over to proof your house in case he comes back. You can also get an emergency non-mol order in place to prevent him coming back.

I do need to be honest with you though op, social services are likely to become involved. I beg of you not to let that out you off, I’m just preparing you. I openly admitted to the courts that I had not called the police as I feared social services, then I looked like I wasn’t protecting my children which created an utter shit storm. You just need to show them that you’ve got him out and you’re taking all measures to prevent any further harm.

Just again, please call the police immediately and WA afterwards.

housing associations often have teams to deal with this - give them a call tomorrow they may be able to advise. You dont want to lose your home because of this man if you have been fortunate enough to be given a HA home - even if you need to leave for a while they will certainly be able to get him out for you one way or the other.

The police should be informed, simply because if you dont, you have no record further down the line if you need to try to keep contact low, and to start leaving a trail that you are trying to help keep your LO safe.

Social services will absolutely be in your corner if you actually ask for their help. They can give you support because it sounds as if your mum is not a good example to look for in parenting, if she blames you for the abuse. Its not uncommon. SS can help with filling in the healthy parenting gaps your own family failed to provide you with - probably because they carry their own baggage and dont know healthy themselves. But you have the chance to break they cycle and change the narrative going down the generations with your child.

Take a look at the freedom programme. Ideally in a real life group, but if not online. Learn what to look for and how to spot the kind of men who will abuse. It will also help you to keep strong and prevent this man coming back or having power over you, because sadly they all run to a script that the police, the housing officers, social service, womens aid and freedom programme all know off by heart.

What is the point of this dickhead if he contributes nothing but lords around YOUR house.Tell him to get the hell out now.

You are sole tenant so he has no right to be there. Give him a week to get out or you are phoning the police. Then get the locks changed

Pls don't worry about SS op.
I had a sinilar issue to you some years ago...a total Cockfosters who was financially, verbally and physically abusive. When my ds was about 8mths old I realised I wouldn't tolerate it any more, for my sons sake more than anything. I called womens aid to get advice and went to the police to ask for their help removing him. SS made contact the next day and popped round....a really lovely chap and he was in about 5mins very clear with me that he had zero concerns - my son was clearly well looked after, I had removed the danger from home. I never heard from SS again and honestly it was the best thing I ever did. Stay strong OP, you can do this!

I’m really impressed with you. You realise what’s going on. Now you’re going to take steps to protect you and your son.
I left it for YEARS because I was scared. I thought it was all my fault and I was imagining things. I really regret not taking action sooner but I genuinely thought I’d be told to pull my socks up and get on with things. Such is the power of gaslighting and manipulation. Social Services were firm but supportive. The police were really helpful. I also used a domestic abuse charity who got me on to the Freedom Programme. I wish I had done it years ago.
You can do this!

My phone is new and the autocorrect is bonkers sorry

"Similar" not sinilar
"Cocklogder" not Cockfosters lol

@Georgeskitchen

You are sole tenant so he has no right to be there. Give him a week to get out or you are phoning the police. Then get the locks changed

This is bad advice for someone in a DV situation. Absolutely don't threaten him with police or give him ultimatums as it's likely to make kick off. With HA rental you can't just change the locks and they're unlikely to do it for you. Wait til he's out, phone the police, and log everything. Ask them how to stop him returning to your home/how he can be removed if he does.

Don't give him a week's notice OP.
Can you imagine the hell he would give you in that week?

When you are ready, when you have a strategy in place, when you are supported by WA or other agencies - you give him notice to move out IMMEDIATELY.

He is already physically violent. You need police/agencies at your back before telling him to get out - & he then needs to get out INSTANTLY.

He can go & stay with his love-bombing family - it's just not your problem OP.

If it’s just your name on the tenancy then just kick him out. I kicked my abusive ex out, I just chucked all his things outside and called a lock smith to change the locks. I had already reported him to the police and they offered to fit a panic alarm in my house incase he tried to enter. Eventually the police arrested him for harassment and stuck a restraining order on him.

Do get advice from women’s aid and don’t be afraid to speak to the police, they maybe able to help remove him from your home.

Don’t worry about SS, they will just want to know that you are doing all you can to protect your ds, stay with and your more likely to have issues with SS.

talk to womens aid, find a local charity or they maybe able to put you in touch with one or two that can help, in my experience going to the police is a total waste of time. go to the locakl housing office and see what they say. also try to get evidence of his abuse, keep records of correspondence, you've put up with it so long things you think are nothing others will see as signs of abuse so show your text messages from him etc to the staff at the womens charities etc, build a case.

if you do manage to get away do as you are told no excuses, if SS want you to do parenting classes etc do it without hesitation, never miss an appointment etc.

in my case, they were building a picture, I did everything they said to do and I didn't deny the ex contact with our child, I simply said I didn't trust him to look after a hamster let alone a child and didn't want him having unsupervised access but that I myself didnt want to be forced to see him (I put up with it at the start and he kept being an arse and breaking contact agreements and making selfish demands, like texting me at 11pm demanding to see our child the next day and that I had to take our child round to the area he lived because he was tired and achy from work and other such rubbish, but hay he texted it so evidence).

he did the rest by repeatedly not turning up to SS meetings not sticking to contact agreements, refusing to do parenting classes etc when asked, constantly accusing me of rubbish and refusing all ways to get access that wasnt on his terms, neutral party being present, meeting at a contact centre, doing some kind of class together where there would be the teacher and others present none were good enough for him he wanted to see our kid alone or would tolerate my presence nothing else.

so now he has nothing, neither of us want to see him, and my child told the child psychologists about dad, sadly your child cant do that.

And my house is HA, had no issues changing locks.

You could consider applying for an occupation order which would mean he has to leave the property. You can apply online here

injunction.courtnav.org.uk/register

The main thing is yours and your sons safety so definitely get advice from women's aid

You might find this helpful re your housing situation, helpful, op. It's from the legal Rights of women website:

rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/guide-to-domestic-violence-housing-and-homelessness.pdf

@shouldistop

If the tenancy is just in your name then ask him to leave. If he won't then phone the police. You have to do this for your child's sake

This

@Lovemusic33

And my house is HA, had no issues changing locks.

Me too.

I'd just get them changed and worry about any HA thing after if they're even bothered given your situation.

It's a really good idea to talk to your local police station. You don't need to agree to prosecute him, but it means if he creates a fuss about moving out then they are already aware of the risk and ready to help you. They may even agree to support you in the process of moving him out, rather than risk him posing a danger to you and your son. Good luck and I hope Women's Aid give you useful advice.

@KeeG8181

My dad is dead. My mum won't let me stay at hers as I've not been the best with everything that's gone on. Hes changed my personality so much. I want my family back and I want me back. I don't want to leave this house as it's my home and only my name on it but I seriously don't want the police involved

You don't have a choice.

You need the police or you watch your child turn into his dad.

It's up to you. Get the bugger lifted and lock him out. Keep getting him lifted every time he turns up.

It'll be bumpy as his family know what he's like so won't interfere in case they get stuck with him.

Speak to women's aid. Get some advice.

Get the police involved. Get social services involved. Tell them what he's done to you. Show them the damage to your home and get them to remove him. If for no other reason, do it to protect your child. Because when the time comes you'll need those reports as evidence to stop him being given unsupervised access to your child.

Can I just advise that the HA may not be working tomorrow, if at all this week. Tomorrow is a bank holiday for starters. There is likely to be emergency repair cover but at best a reduced service elsewhere. Certainly contact them in the New Year.