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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get out of this mess.

298 replies

KeeG8181 · 27/12/2021 14:04

Name changed.

I have been with my son's dad for 3 years. My son is 2. I am so unbelievably miserable in this relationship it is untrue but for some reason I can't get out of it.

He is financially controlling, he doesn't take all of my money anymore but I pay for absolutely everything, rent, bills, food etc etc and he contributes nothing. He is so verbally unkind to me and calls me ugly fat scruffy etc every name under the sun. He has been violent to me in the past and punched my hand yesterday.

He walks round the house constantly shouting swearing and on top note. Everything has to be his way or no way at all and he takes over everything like decorating my house the way he chooses and taking over rooms with his stuff. He's punched holes in doors etc and broken my things in temper

His family are enablers, they are coming round shortly and I have to sit and listen to them be all nicey nicey to him, they're love bombers as well which is just weird. He threatened to punch me Infront of his dad and his dad did nothing. I hate them and wish I didn't have to see them.

My relationship with my own family is extremely strained because I'm with him and I have no friends anymore.

Why can't I leave. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 01/01/2022 11:47

@1FootInTheRave

Put your kid first fgs.
@1FootInTheRave

I'll give you the benefit if the doubt that you don't know a lot about domestic abuse. There are plenty of good reasons why it's not easy to leave.

OP, Womens Aid, social work and police will help you. Become pregnant and ending the relationship are the two most dangerous times for a woman, so I wouldn't recommend changing the licks and telling him to "just leave" as PP have suggested

"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is an excellent book

Good luck

Aubree17 · 01/01/2022 17:42

You do not have to leave your home.

If you are serious then ask him to leave and call the police if he refuses and get a restraining order on the back of his violence. Do you have someone you can trust to be there when you ask him to leave?

Once you've made the firm decision to leave the rest is easy.

Deadringer · 01/01/2022 17:58

The police are going to get involved at some point anyway, whether it's because one of your neighbours gets worried about the noises they are hearing from your house, or because he beats you to the point that you need hospitalisation, it's just a matter of time. So seek help from WA and the police, get the locks changed and start living your life.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 01/01/2022 18:15

@Aubree17

You do not have to leave your home.

If you are serious then ask him to leave and call the police if he refuses and get a restraining order on the back of his violence. Do you have someone you can trust to be there when you ask him to leave?

Once you've made the firm decision to leave the rest is easy.

Police first. Then ask him to leave; it's very likely they will attend to prevent violence from him.
AcrossthePond55 · 01/01/2022 18:37

@KeeG8181

Happy new year everyone. This is my year. Time to be free. X
And the same to you.

Yes, this is YOUR year. You can do this.

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 10/01/2022 18:35

Hi everyone just an update. I tried to get him to leave but became extremely aggressive and tried to put my windows in. He went out new year's eve and got absolutely blind drunk. When he's drunk he is known to attack me and I am completely on edge if he even has one beer. I had told his dad and stepmother this a week prior, but lo and behold on new year's eve when he was bladdered and stranded they paid for a taxi for him to come back here resulting in me being verbally abused and locking myself in DS' room all night.

I am currently doing plan b, our local refuge that is managed by our HA offer short term stays whilst you get your affairs in order. I've been phoning up every morning with no luck until today! A room is available on Friday for me and DS for a few weeks whilst I report his father for the abuse and assaults. I have stuff secretly in a suitcase already so I am very excited to get rid of this shit.

I am going to report this behaviour to social services too. They won't take my son and I have realised this now. I am a good mum protecting her baby. Thank you for all your advice. Each one of you x

OP posts:
haribofiend · 10/01/2022 19:04

Amazing OP! Good luck to you, you are so strong and doing absolutely the right thing Flowers Cake

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2022 19:46

That's wonderful!! Friday will be here before you know it! Get you and DS out of there and figure it all out then.

Saying a prayer for you and DS for the future.

Jtb5790 · 10/01/2022 19:47

Have a frank conversation with your family. They will probably be relieved and happy to support you. Kick him out and don't look back.

urbanbuddha · 10/01/2022 20:01

That's great news!
Stay strong. You're doing so well. Flowers

Fuckitydoodah · 10/01/2022 20:14

Rooting for you OP. You can do this and ultimately you and your DS lives will be so much better for it. He'll only get worse if you stay with him. Once you're safe, contact the HA so they can get him out the house and you can go back. Change the locks, block him on your phone, inform the police that you feel at risk etc etc.

He's an utter arsehole. You on the other hand sound lovely and a great mum.

Good luck!!!

froggybiby · 10/01/2022 20:20

Stay strong OP 💪you can do this. I am thinking of you and your toddler. Flowers

Newhorizon21 · 10/01/2022 20:22

@WabbitsAndWeasels

Despite your current difficult relationship with your family do you think any of them would take you in, at least until you could find another place to rent etc? Does he work? Could you use one of those days to pack all your essentials and leave for family?

You're in a potentially very dangerous place as he's already been violent. If you find yourself in danger and have access to a mobile phone (has to be mobile) you can use something called silent solution by dialling 999 then pressing 55. They know you may find it difficult to talk so will try and find ways to get help to you if needed.

You obviously know you need to leave and other people will know of specific charities and groups who can help. You need to do it ASAP but once it's done it's done. I think as there's violence against you it would be easier for you to leave (sadly) as I doubt he'll leave without causing and your property you harm.

Please read this about Silent Solution, using this service doesn't automatically bring help

www.thamesvalley.police.uk/police-forces/thames-valley-police/areas/advice/silent-solution---999-and-55/

Good luck OP in doing what's the right thing for you & your son Flowers

How do I get out of this mess.
ChargingBuck · 10/01/2022 20:33

You are brilliant OP :)

And you are going to feel better & better from Friday, when you can eject this loser & his enabling family from your life.

Congratulations on taking control Flowers

Frazzled50yrold · 10/01/2022 20:53

Well done on taking such a brave step and very best wishes for the future

Feduppluckingmychinhairs · 10/01/2022 21:10

You are a very strong capable woman. Come back to this thread as often as you need to.

MumW · 10/01/2022 21:14

Good Luck. I really hope that this is the first day of the rest of your life. Flowers

FortniteBoysMum · 10/01/2022 21:17

Call the police and report yesterday's assault, use the time they take him for questioning to change the locks

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2022 13:25

@KeeG8181

I hope all went according to your plan and you and DS are out and safe.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/01/2022 13:46

Awesome news. Please keep updating op x

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 18/01/2022 00:00

I am in the refuge. He's been arrested and due to appear in court tomorrow. They have recommended he be remanded. I can go home if he is remanded. If not then sadly I'll have to fully move as they've straight up said it won't be safe So fingers crossed he's banged up

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 18/01/2022 00:11

Glad you're safe, now just need to keep safe. Can you get a non mol order put in place ?

devuskums · 18/01/2022 00:19

Well done. Keep it up. Don't go back to him. Your new life with your son is just ahead. All the luck in the world to you. CakeFlowersWine

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 18/01/2022 00:22

The police are wanting to shoot at a restraining order for me and for my son as well as he has been present for every assault, he's a really aggressive drunk too so they're using that to kind of push for it. I hope I get it. If and when I do go home they will be putting those bars over my windows, you know the ones they have abroad? And stuff like that to stop him breaking the window and a fireproof box for My letterbox. I'm in a flat but it's ground floor so he could easily put my windows in, he'd have a struggle getting into the main door for my front door as is fob access and he doesn't have a fob thankfully.

OP posts:
JugglingJanuary · 18/01/2022 00:40

@bubblesbubbles11

Why did you come to have a child with him in the first place?
Oh seriousky.

There's always one with this stupid comment.

If you can't be supportive-fuck off.

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