How do I get out of this mess.

[KeeG8181]

Name changed.

I have been with my son's dad for 3 years. My son is 2. I am so unbelievably miserable in this relationship it is untrue but for some reason I can't get out of it.

He is financially controlling, he doesn't take all of my money anymore but I pay for absolutely everything, rent, bills, food etc etc and he contributes nothing. He is so verbally unkind to me and calls me ugly fat scruffy etc every name under the sun. He has been violent to me in the past and punched my hand yesterday.

He walks round the house constantly shouting swearing and on top note. Everything has to be his way or no way at all and he takes over everything like decorating my house the way he chooses and taking over rooms with his stuff. He's punched holes in doors etc and broken my things in temper

His family are enablers, they are coming round shortly and I have to sit and listen to them be all nicey nicey to him, they're love bombers as well which is just weird. He threatened to punch me Infront of his dad and his dad did nothing. I hate them and wish I didn't have to see them.

My relationship with my own family is extremely strained because I'm with him and I have no friends anymore.

Why can't I leave. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Thank you for listening.

Women's Aid are great and practical, they can give you counselling on the cycle of abuse to strengthen you /inform you, and they can give u free legal advice or they know solicitors who give u free advice on getting the person out of your home etc. Glad you're going to phone them

Whatever you do, do not leave your property. My uncle was a HA tenant and left his lovely bungalow because his partner threatened him with a knife. He thought that as he was the tenant he would be able to oust her and move back in. Wrong! She somehow managed to stay there and he ended up in grotty studio flat. Your abusive BF has to be moved out asap. Good luck.

@bubblesbubbles11 not that it is in anyway relevant to the abuse I found out at a late gestation and couldn't bring myself to abort a 22 week old foetus. I didn't know what was happening was abuse.

Tonight I told my mum everything. She said she won't believe he's abused me until she speaks to him. That my lovely nana who died will be disgusted in me for being with him. Went as well as expected. Back to the drawing board. Will stick with phoning WA.

@KeeG8181

Tonight I told my mum everything. She said she won't believe he's abused me until she speaks to him. That my lovely nana who died will be disgusted in me for being with him. Went as well as expected. Back to the drawing board. Will stick with phoning WA.

I'm so sorry this has happened. As in my case, it is so often the case that the very reason we end up in an abusive / toxic relationship is down to our childhood / parental relationships we experienced. What we think is "normal", when we finally realise we've been in an extremely abusive relationship, really isn't / wasn't normal at all. If your mum speaks to your partner she will be putting you and your son at risk. My mother sided with my ex and even told me "you're not the easiest person to live with - and I should know".

There's a thread which has run for years on these boards which you may find really helpful - the Stately Homes thread - in unpicking your relationship with your mother which has meant you were predisposed to enter into the relationship you're in. Women's Aid all the way - and if I were you I would cut ties with your mum.

@KeeG8181

Tonight I told my mum everything. She said she won't believe he's abused me until she speaks to him. That my lovely nana who died will be disgusted in me for being with him. Went as well as expected. Back to the drawing board. Will stick with phoning WA.

Damn, I guessed this might happen. I'm sorry some posters gave you such stupid advice.

You have exchanged one abuser for another.

Please involve police. They are there exactly where I help people like you stay safe.

Op Yabu to staying.
Get him arrested for dv,request bail conditions not to return to address if he is released on bail.no contact by any means which will include via his family.
Stay strong.
Block his number.
Ask your family for support.
Do this for you and your dc.
Please do not remain in this vile environment.
You do not need him,you know this.
He is scum.
You're welcome to pm me any time but please,father your courage and phone the police.
Keep thinking of a happy future for you and your dc. 🌻🌈

Having the police involved won’t be a bad thing when he starts wanting access to your little boy! You are scared of him so stay at a friends until he is gone or have your child sleep overnight somewhere so if it kicks off when you tell him he has to leave the child doesn’t have to see it or hear it. Good luck- get out sooner rather than later! Life’s too short.

You need to get him out. All DV charities advise not telling abusive partners you are ending it. As statistically that's when your life us most at risk. I had a work colleague in your exact situation. She was on the lease of the council house, not him. She waited til he was at work changed the locks & took his stuff to his mate's. She then had 2 of us & our dogs stay over & texted him it was over. He came back once, couldnt get in, shouted a bit, texted a lot Of threats ( she got a new phone no) but hasnt been an issue since. And is not v bothered about seeing his child. He moved on v quickly with a v wealthy divorcee who he's never laid a finger on ( knows which side his bread is buttered). The only issue as such after that was him paying child support but that was soon sorted. You really can do it.

I've kind of got my head round leaving what I'm gonna do etc and as soon as he's out in the morning I'll contact WA. I'm also looking into the thing a previous poster said re my childhood because looking back some of it was absolutely not fucking normal.

My mum's hounded me for weeks calling me all the names under the sun accusing me of being back with him but thinking rationally if I thought my daughter was with an abuser I'd be more worried than anything. Also during my time looking for my passport to keep safe DS got into the quality street and ate one so he's still awake. He's 2 so it shouldn't be nice to have him up but weirdly it is, DS is great his so funny.

Glad to see you have a solid plan in place OP

It is one of the busiest times of the year for WA so don’t be disheartened if it’s hard to get through.
In the meantime can you keep getting together all your essentials and focus on DS. He sounds like a gem!!

DS is great, he is just the biggest ray of sunshine on what seems to be an ongoing cloudy day.

I had similar circumstances. In my case he left me eventually and I'm so glad. I wish I'd been brave enough to seek help from Women's Aid sooner. They are wonderful, truly. I cannot thank them enough.

Just wanted to say that you will get through this, as will your son. Keep your head up, even through the tough times. Just do not go back once you get away. Feel free to pm me anytime if you need to speak to someone. Take care.

@KeeG8181

My house is housing association. I'm petrified of social services being involved

I get you totally

I was the same

When the police were involved they were respectful and so so helpful

When social services were contacted they were there to guide me and my child
Helped us hugely no judgement
Guidance and support only

Please listen to the many wise people here

Get this piece of shit out
Please

KeeGee I'm so sorry your mum is being a bitch.
Also ignorant & ridiculous - she thinks asking an abuser "did you abuse my daughter?" is going to get her a truthful response?!

But well done you for deciding this is the catalyst that starts you on some form of therapeutic journey to understand your childhood.

I feel like I'm gonna need a lot of therapy after all this.

@KeeG8181

I've kind of got my head round leaving what I'm gonna do etc and as soon as he's out in the morning I'll contact WA. I'm also looking into the thing a previous poster said re my childhood because looking back some of it was absolutely not fucking normal.

My mum's hounded me for weeks calling me all the names under the sun accusing me of being back with him but thinking rationally if I thought my daughter was with an abuser I'd be more worried than anything. Also during my time looking for my passport to keep safe DS got into the quality street and ate one so he's still awake. He's 2 so it shouldn't be nice to have him up but weirdly it is, DS is great his so funny.

I don't understand this. Your mum is "accusing" you of being back with him but won't believe he abused you? Is she actually capable of rational thought?

Either way, it sounds like she's totally unreliable, and at least you know not to waste any more time with her.

It sounds like you have a plan.
I'm sorry your mother was so terrible.
WA will help you.
Post anytime here too. There's always someone around to listen.

@KeeG8181

I feel like I'm gonna need a lot of therapy after all this.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

I had counseling for about 18 months after I left my exH and then tumbled right into another abusive relationship. I wanted to figure out why I picked such horrible men and how to stop! It was some hard work and home truths, but it worked.

@KeeG8181

I feel like I'm gonna need a lot of therapy after all this.

Great realisation. I hope you can access it, the best gift you can give yourself and your son.

Ring your mum and be honest. There's every chance she will understand and let you move in, for now.

Sorry, read the update on your mum. I'd give women's aid a call then, OP. You're not alone and there is support available

Happy new year everyone. This is my year. Time to be free. X

@KeeG8181

Happy new year everyone. This is my year. Time to be free. X

Happy New Year @KeeG8181