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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get out of this mess.

298 replies

KeeG8181 · 27/12/2021 14:04

Name changed.

I have been with my son's dad for 3 years. My son is 2. I am so unbelievably miserable in this relationship it is untrue but for some reason I can't get out of it.

He is financially controlling, he doesn't take all of my money anymore but I pay for absolutely everything, rent, bills, food etc etc and he contributes nothing. He is so verbally unkind to me and calls me ugly fat scruffy etc every name under the sun. He has been violent to me in the past and punched my hand yesterday.

He walks round the house constantly shouting swearing and on top note. Everything has to be his way or no way at all and he takes over everything like decorating my house the way he chooses and taking over rooms with his stuff. He's punched holes in doors etc and broken my things in temper

His family are enablers, they are coming round shortly and I have to sit and listen to them be all nicey nicey to him, they're love bombers as well which is just weird. He threatened to punch me Infront of his dad and his dad did nothing. I hate them and wish I didn't have to see them.

My relationship with my own family is extremely strained because I'm with him and I have no friends anymore.

Why can't I leave. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
TerraNovaTwo · 27/12/2021 14:33

After some initial assessments, social services would only stick around longer if you stay with this scumbag, further exposing your dc to domestic abuse and putting them at risk of emotional and physical harm. It WILL get worse.

Get in touch with Refuge, womens aid, children's Centre, your dc's nursery or preschool, police, local family charities, your local council and church.
Reach out as much as possible, but cover your tracks. Plan all your finances and options... put all your sentimental things (photos, baby keepsakes) to one side (at your mums?) Housing will be the biggest to sort out, especially if you rely on H financially, which it doesn't seem you do.

If your relationship with your mum is strained and damaged due to the dv, I advise you to make amends for the sake of your dc. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 27/12/2021 14:35

I'll have to phone women's aid next time he goes out. I know I can't carry on like this. I can't damage my son. I love him more than life itself. Just one last day of playing happy families with his vile father and stepmother and I can do this. I can do it.

Everyone in his family know I'm being abused and have done absolutely nothing. His mum even told him to "delete messages off his phone incase I see it"
Yet they'll sit there going love you love you love you all the time. Fucking weird. Either that or my families weird for never saying love you.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 27/12/2021 14:40

Maybe you're waiting for him to attack on your 2 yr old helpless son?

That would be in addition the psychological damage the child has and is suffering because he lives with a monster.

How much worse do you need it to get?

ChargingBuck · 27/12/2021 14:41

Just one last day of playing happy families with his vile father and stepmother and I can do this. I can do it.
That's the ticket OP.
Just this day to endure, keep your head down & know that PP have your back.

Phone WA as soon as you safely can.

btw - he has already done enough to warrant being removed by police if you want to consider this as an option.
But either way, WA will advise you, & support you while you devise your strategy.
& I second PP who said to tell as many people/agencies in real life as you can.

YOU have nothing to feat from any authority - social services, police, school staff, anyone.
Your STBex however ... he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
You will be supported when you are ready to kick him out.

Also ... it's entirely possible that both his AND your families are weird.
It's ok for you to detach from anyone who is treating you poorly.
You & your son are all that matters right now Flowers

Freddiefox · 27/12/2021 14:42

@KeeG8181

My house is housing association. I'm petrified of social services being involved
Social services are more likely to get involved if you don’t act.

pack his stuff, ask him to leave, be prepared to call the police.
You have to get rid of him, he won’t stop abs it will get worse.

Don’t worry about your family. Worry about you and your son.

Daenerys77 · 27/12/2021 14:43

Wait until he goes out, then get a locksmith round to change the locks.

Social services have no reason to stop you leaving an abusive relationship. They are much more likely to become involved if you stay and they think he poses a risk to your child.

Freddiefox · 27/12/2021 14:45

If you son goes to nursery, speak to them when you drop him off. They can help you, and call the police when you and ds are there and safe.

MockneyReject · 27/12/2021 14:47

OP does not need to leave.
The Housing Association will be able to guide you through the steps to get him out.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/12/2021 14:52

Speak to the housing association as well. If he is not on the tenancy and you are not married then he has no legal right to be in the property.

summercloudflies · 27/12/2021 14:55

Social services are more likely to get involved if you don’t act

This.

You are lucky you are a Housing Association tenant. They should have a policy for how to manage situations like yours. Speak to Women's Aid or similar too and they will talk you through this.

LolaButt · 27/12/2021 14:55

You can do this OP. You’re protecting yourself and your child which is precisely what a good Mum does.

summercloudflies · 27/12/2021 14:56

If you are frightened of him, you may find that the Housing Association will be able to rehome you in another property.

Start talking to the professionals whose job it is to support women in your situation.

CityCommuter · 27/12/2021 14:56

@KeeG8181 oh you poor thing and ((hugs)) to you and your DS... for your own safety and well-being and that of your child's there's absolutely no way you can continue to live like this, being controlled and abused on a daily basis... it's horrifying to read what you're tolerating and I believe you are in danger of him doing worse...yes ring women's aid and make a plan - be careful that he doesn't find out your plans as people say that when you're planning to leave is often the most dangerous time for escalated violence... there's a similar story in Eastenders atm and it's so stressful to watch... you can do this, you just need to make that call and things WILL get better for you and your DS by leaving... even if you had to live in temporary accommodation or a small bedsit for a while at least you will be safe and you will gain your confidence back... you deserve respect and a happy life... just make that call xx

MojoDaysxx · 27/12/2021 14:58

Take it from experience. Just leave. Emotional and physical only gets worse, as time goes on. One day you will fight for your life. I stayed 10 years with a former partner. I shouldn't have stayed 2 months. I'm now free of him by 25 years, but my face will always tell the story of my mistake. Dump him fast. He is poisonings you life and that of your Childs.

billy1966 · 27/12/2021 14:58

@Funnylittlefloozie

I am sure you have your own reasons for not wanting the police involved, but realistically, how else will things change? He's a violent abuser, you have no friends or family to support you, how else will things change for you? You need to get this horrible piece of shit out of your house, and the police will help you.
This.

If you want him out, you WILL have to call the police.

Tell them he is violent and abusive.
Tell them you are terrified of him.
Tell them the house is in YOUR name.
Tell them you want him out.

Ring Women's aid for help.

Until you are brave enough to help yourself and your child, you will both remain stuck in this awful situation.

The house being in your name is a massive positive.

Use this to your advantage.
Get him out.

Flowers
WonderfulYou · 27/12/2021 15:04

The good news is because you're already paying for everything you'll actually be better off when you kick him out.
He is abusive, contact woman's aid for help.

I agree.

It’s your home. You need to get him to leave.
Do you have a friend you can call round for support incase he turns nasty?

Does he work?
I would pack a few of his items up when he’s out and then tell him it’s over and he’ll have to move out. Have your friend on stand by to call the police if he gets violent so then it’s not you doing it.

After he’s moved out I’d do a home exchange so you can have a fresh start and he won’t feel like he’s entitled to be there.

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 27/12/2021 15:07

I've taken absolutely everything in thank you so much. I really don't want to leave my home but I can't carry on like this. I'm gonna look into women's aid soon. Once weird family have come and gone.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 27/12/2021 15:12

Oh and passports, birth certificates and lock down your bank account if he has access. You can and will do this, 2022 will be a better year. X

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2021 15:16

@KeeG8181

I've taken absolutely everything in thank you so much. I really don't want to leave my home but I can't carry on like this. I'm gonna look into women's aid soon. Once weird family have come and gone.
You may not have to if the police are involved.

WA will give you all the advice you need. But it's up to you to follow it.

A580Hojas · 27/12/2021 15:17

I don't think anyone on Mumsnet can really unpick why you don't leave him but please find the resources somehow to do it. It's completely toxic and you deserve a better life. Ask for help from someone to do it safely. Women's Aid would be a good start.

Yuledo · 27/12/2021 15:20

@girlmom21

If the house tenancy is in your name could you ask the landlord for permission to change the locks?

When he goes out text him and tell him you've packed his things and taken them to his moms or whatever and that it's over and that if he turns up you'll have no choice but to call the police but you'd much rather things remain amicable for the little ones sake?

This is good. Social services will applaud you for making him leave if ever the police are involved.
CrappyXmasMarket · 27/12/2021 15:21

You can do this OP. You wouldn't have posted this thread if you didn't realise what you need to do. You just need some support.

Keep posting, phone Women's Aid or your HA next time he goes out. If he attacks you again ring the police.

Ragruggers · 27/12/2021 15:21

I am so sorry you are in this position but you can change it.You have a secure rental in your name.You already pay for everything so that is good.As soon as awful family leave and he is out make a plan.Ring Womens Aid and the police you must report the violence.Does he care about his son? You need to have it written down re his violence as he may try and get custody.Thinking of you .Tomorrow is another day.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 27/12/2021 15:22

Social services are much more likely to get involved if you stay with this man. Why don't you want to involve the police? He's hitting you. That's criminal assault. Please report it to them.

Essexmummy88 · 27/12/2021 15:23

To the PP who said SS won’t get involved - they absolutely WILL, and I speak from experience. But they will not take your child from you if you contact them, you are showing them you know there’s a problem and you are taking steps to put it right.

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