How do I get out of this mess.

[KeeG8181]

Name changed.

I have been with my son's dad for 3 years. My son is 2. I am so unbelievably miserable in this relationship it is untrue but for some reason I can't get out of it.

He is financially controlling, he doesn't take all of my money anymore but I pay for absolutely everything, rent, bills, food etc etc and he contributes nothing. He is so verbally unkind to me and calls me ugly fat scruffy etc every name under the sun. He has been violent to me in the past and punched my hand yesterday.

He walks round the house constantly shouting swearing and on top note. Everything has to be his way or no way at all and he takes over everything like decorating my house the way he chooses and taking over rooms with his stuff. He's punched holes in doors etc and broken my things in temper

His family are enablers, they are coming round shortly and I have to sit and listen to them be all nicey nicey to him, they're love bombers as well which is just weird. He threatened to punch me Infront of his dad and his dad did nothing. I hate them and wish I didn't have to see them.

My relationship with my own family is extremely strained because I'm with him and I have no friends anymore.

Why can't I leave. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Thank you for listening.

@KeeG8181

Thank you all for so many nice comments it's so lovely.

I'm still in the refuge and the Shit Chronicles with DS continue, I'm so glad we have our own bathroom 🤣🤣

The swap list is just with my HA so it's just as and when so hopefully not too long!
SS did an assessment but just said there's no question about my parenting or anything and they aren't opening a case, she just gave me her number and told me to contact her if I or DS need anything. I might phone and say DS is in dire need of a brand new BMW

We went to Blackpool yesterday (not wise in January) and just staring at the beach knowing I'm finally free from criticism and just exes shit was amazing. The women at the refuge are lovely too which is nice as I literally have had no friends for 3 and a half years

You should be so proud of yourself. Even with situation stacked against you and unsupportive family you have bravely taken steps to secure a safe and happy future for you and your son. Well done 👍

Followed your 'journey' OP and am so delighted for you that you broke free. Hope you can move forward and have a fresh start with your DS

Well done, enjoy the freedom to do what you want, when you want 💐

Hi everyone. He was bailed on Friday. I'm absolutely pissed off to high heaven but is to be expected

Oh no. What does that mean for you now?

Well, shit. Can any court orders (non-mol or whatever) be expedited now that he's out?

Make sure the people running the refuge know he's been bailed.

Is he blocked on your hone and on all SM?

Just read through all your posts. I’m so glad you’ve broken free. It’s scary doing it but the relief when you know you’ve got ‘you’ back.
Take all the help you can, make sure the refuge know he’s out and hopefully a property swap will become available soon. Would you consider moving out of area?

@KeeG8181 - I'd expect there to be bail conditions including that he can't contact you directly or indirectly. What have the police said re: that?

Yes he can't contact me or my son both directly or indirectly. I'm okay, no contact from him so far which is a blessing. I've changed my main phone number but put my original sim card with my previous number in a burner phone so that if he does contact me with threats or whatever I can see it and use it as further evidence, I saw it on CSI once and it's stuck with me lol

Hi everyone. Really not a good day today and I'm still awake absolutely fed up so I'm venting on my thread.

I can't stop thinking about the names he called me. Fat, ugly, told me I was mentally ill, smelly, thick, wished me dead. I just feel worthless. Like what if it is me. My mum and I don't get on so I must be a shit person.

I don't even know how to function properly anymore. Me and my mum are kind of working it out and she is having DS over the weekend. But I don't know what to do, my whole life is DS and his things. I've not got a personality anymore, I don't know what I like or dislike, I had some money today to buy clothes but I haven't bought anything proper since 2019 and I just didn't know what to get cos nothing is how I remember it. I'm stuck in the past completely and I adore DS but I just think of the time in the year before I met my ex, I had absolutely everything and I was such a bubbly happy person, now I'm just a complete shell. Being called a cunt, a bitch a stupid twat multiple times a day has just knocked me completely. And I sat earlier and just thought of how many members of his family he's spoke to me like that in front of and not one person ever said "* don't speak to her like that it's not nice" they sat there and let him do it. I don't want DS around any of them and I know I'm gonna have a complete battle on my hands cos now I'm even more of the bad person, I've made their son homeless, hell lose his job if he goes to prison, and he'll end up in the papers.

I wish I felt as uplifted as I did but I really really don't. Just looking at DS asleep, I'm doing all of this for him because the me that I knew so well is long gone.

No, he made himself homeless through his actions. If he loses job, prison, blah blah that's because he chose to act in a way that earned him those consequences. Because of the years of abuse, you have these thought distortions. It's normal and ok. As you gently remind yourself these thoughts are not accurate you will make new neural pathways and it gets easier and then it feels normal. Stay strong, you've got this

I’d get some therapy from a domestic abuse therapist.
Your done a very brave thing and your mood was going to drop.
You maybe depressed? You have done the right thing leaving him.
I assume your mother is to be trusted and not tell him where you are.
It’s going to take time to heal from this.
Try and be loving to yourself Treat yourself in the same loving way you treat your son.

@KeeG8181

One day at a time, remember that Rome was not built in a day. You've gotten through the 'getting out' part. Now your mind is turning to the 'staying out' part. That means you are starting to think about the things he said as a way to remind yourself of why you need to stay out. But you aren't quite at the place where your mind is able to convince you that "it's not you, it's him". Which is simply the truth, it IS him. And you need to keep reminding yourself that you are NOT all the horrible things he said. You are a human being with value. You are kind, you are caring, you are protective of those things you love. What more needs to be said of any of us?

My ex called me some of those things too. And when I was in the 'in between space' and not quite able to turn those thoughts off I used to picture his ugly mug and say the silly childhood insult rhyme "Twinkle, twinkle little star. What you say is what you are". Sometimes I'd even stand with arms akimbo in my living room and say it out loud and stick my tongue out. Silly, but it did help relieve things for a moment or two.

But above all I got counseling to help me deal with my self esteem and why I made such bad choices when it came to men. It took over a year, but I finally 'broke free' of the things that kept me 'down'. I suggest you look into counseling for yourself. And remember that it's not 'one size fits all'. Sometimes you have to see more than one counselor before you find the one that 'fits' you.

Feeling a bit better today. I have been to the hairdresser's for the first time in 4 years. I used to have icy blonde hair but due to the financial abuse I couldn't keep up with it and I box dyed it brown in 2019. I kept trying to bleach it, in November 2020 I used a box strip and just left it, I had split ends and loads of banding of different colours but 5 hours and £130 later my ice white blonde is back! I had my lashes done and got some new clothes from river island. My mum's address is being used for my correspondence and an Amazon acrylic nail kit came today so I've done them to keep busy, I did level 3 nails in college at night school years ago so I've gone abit mad and did the full extravagant set.

Throughout all this I haven't wanted to go out at all and DS, being a proper COVID baby is now scared of people not socially distancing from him. So baby group is being started tomorrow. Time for normality. I got this.
Sorry I hope me using my thread as like a diary isn't pissing anyone off with notifications x

Edit - baby group starts Monday. I am losing all knowledge of days of the week lol.

Gosh OP you are really brave to have got rid of that vile specimen. How disgusting his family didn't correct him and show shame in him saying those revolting thing's to you. You'll find you again..slowly day by day thing's will get better & better day's will come. Your son & you will flourish. wish you all the best xx

Well done, I bet you look fabulous.
Baby group will also be good for you both

💐💐💐💐

How r u OP

I have only just come across your thread and read your posts- you are amazing! Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. All the pain and hurt others have directed at you and you did the strongest of actions- you left and refused to accept their crap. And not only that you are living not just surviving! Things may seem hard, but wow congratulate yourself on how far you have come- you have moved mountains girl! You and your son will have a much brighter future all down to your bravery x

Thank you for updating. Another person here cheering you on.
This is a good place to put your thoughts, a bit like a diary that talks back to you. It will be something to refer back to and see how far you've come.
Well done for all you've achieved so far, remember that you've been through trauma and so will have good days and bad days, sometimes just moments so be kind to yourself at these times.
You can do this.

Hi everyone.

I moved today, I've also gone mad and thrown every single item of stuff out that I had whilst with HIM. It felt good but now I've just realised I've got about 4 items of clothing.

Best wishes for your new home!

Good luck to you. You’re a brave woman.