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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get out of this mess.

298 replies

KeeG8181 · 27/12/2021 14:04

Name changed.

I have been with my son's dad for 3 years. My son is 2. I am so unbelievably miserable in this relationship it is untrue but for some reason I can't get out of it.

He is financially controlling, he doesn't take all of my money anymore but I pay for absolutely everything, rent, bills, food etc etc and he contributes nothing. He is so verbally unkind to me and calls me ugly fat scruffy etc every name under the sun. He has been violent to me in the past and punched my hand yesterday.

He walks round the house constantly shouting swearing and on top note. Everything has to be his way or no way at all and he takes over everything like decorating my house the way he chooses and taking over rooms with his stuff. He's punched holes in doors etc and broken my things in temper

His family are enablers, they are coming round shortly and I have to sit and listen to them be all nicey nicey to him, they're love bombers as well which is just weird. He threatened to punch me Infront of his dad and his dad did nothing. I hate them and wish I didn't have to see them.

My relationship with my own family is extremely strained because I'm with him and I have no friends anymore.

Why can't I leave. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
Essexmate · 27/12/2021 16:22

I would speak to the police and at least log something with them because the way you describe his family strike me as people that will deny any abuse and sing his praises in a custody situation. And speaking as the child in this situation, get out NOW.

bubblesbubbles11 · 27/12/2021 16:24

Why did you come to have a child with him in the first place?

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 16:27

@bubblesbubbles11

Why did you come to have a child with him in the first place?
They've been together 3 years and the child is 2. I'm gonna hazard a guess that she didn't really know what he was like and didn't want to terminate when she got pregnant. Not really relevant, is it?
AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2021 16:28

Sounds as if you have built yourself up to end this 'relationship', So right now, go 'stealth' and go 'slow'. Rome wasn't built in a day. Try very hard not to change your behaviour or anything else about the way you do/say things. Abusers seem to have some 6th sense when we have mentally started to 'pull away'.

Don't worry about the 'whys' for now. It doesn't matter why he does what he does or why you put up with it. You can figure that all out after he's gone. Concentrate on the 'hows'; how to get him gone, how to protect your home, your finances, and how to protect your child and yourself.

Speak to WA and listen to what they have to say. Follow their suggestions. Quietly source out an emergency locksmith, WA may know of some who can come at a moment's notice. I'm in the US so I don't know if this is possible in the UK, but see a solicitor about an emergency custody/residency order if this waste of space is on your child's BC. Even though you aren't married, legal advice is imperative when there is a child involved. Another thing that's done here is to liaise with the police's domestic violence team for advice and support once you have firm plans for leaving/kicking him out.

Fear of SS involvement mustn't stop you. If you do what WA and a solicitor advise you to do, even if SS does have to be involved you will be seen by them as a loving and caring parent who is doing all the right things. They know that people make errors in judgement when it comes to abusive relationships. The fact that you are doing all you can NOW to get out and keep yourself and DC safe will be what they think is most important.

In the meantime, take a visual 'inventory' of your home. If possible gather and hide important papers (birth certs, passports, financial records) away where he won't find them. Best yet, get them out of the house. If that's not possible, take pictures of them. Make a mental list of all the passwords you will need to change immediately after getting him out.

As far as your family and friends, you say your relationships with them are strained because you are with him. So, call anyway. In many cases family and friends have been praying for you to make that call. Tell them you realize you fucked up by lying about breaking with him and apologize (even if you feel you shouldn't have to). You need help and they may be your best option (for now). If they reject you, you're no worse off than you are right now. But if even ONE of them offers you emotional or physical support you will be so much better off.

Whitefire · 27/12/2021 16:29

@bubblesbubbles11

Why did you come to have a child with him in the first place?
In what way is this helpful? The OP is in an abusive relationship, it would have been months and years in the making.
NynaeveSedai · 27/12/2021 16:31

You HAVE TO get the police involved. There are so many reasons. Firstly they can remove him. Secondly if and when it comes to social services notice if you've already taken protective action they will leave you alone. Thirdly you need the evidence to get legal aid which will allow you to keep him out and keep him away from you. Fourth you need the evidence to stop him taking DS or applying for main care or 50/50.
You can't do this without them.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 27/12/2021 16:38

@bubblesbubbles11

Why did you come to have a child with him in the first place?
Ah I was waiting for this kind of stupid comment and I wasn't disappointed.
Embracelife · 27/12/2021 16:40

@KeeG8181

My dad is dead. My mum won't let me stay at hers as I've not been the best with everything that's gone on. Hes changed my personality so much. I want my family back and I want me back. I don't want to leave this house as it's my home and only my name on it but I seriously don't want the police involved
He's punched holes in doors etc and broken my things in temper

Get the police involved
Get him out

topcat2014 · 27/12/2021 16:42

Social Services do not become involved because a relationship breaks down.

They become involved when the relationship should be ended but the 'good' parent stays with the abuser and cannot prioritise the child's needs.

NdujaWannaDance · 27/12/2021 16:49

Well at least there's one thing you do have to worry about. With such loving and supportive parents he will definitely have a safe place to go to, so you don't have to feel bad about kicking him out.

He's not going to be in a shop doorway in the freezing cold. That removes a whole layer of guilt for you and should make it much easier to just get on and do what you need to do.

SpanielsAreMyLife · 27/12/2021 16:50

Walk into a Police station and ask for help.

Failing that, wait until your HA is open again and ask for help in removing him from the property.

Help is there, you just need to take the big step and walk towards it.

sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 16:53

You are scared of getting police involved?

You are scared of the wrong people. Your utter prick of a partner is the one who is a danger to you. At this rate he will literally end your life.

The police and social services, Refuge etc are on your side.

It is exactly their role to help people like you.

It doesn't have to be a big dramatic bust up.

Do you take your little one out for walks? You could pop into the local station and ask for advice.

You could get on the phone to WA. I know it isn't always easy to get through but do SOMETHING, don't surrender your life and that of your precious son to this horrific man.

Oh, and his family will of course support him. They are never going to get it, if that's what you're waiting for. So wait no longer.

And try to put your anxiety about your own family aside for a little while. You can start to rebuild those relationships when you are out of this mess. Though from your description of your mother, you might want to take your time and put firm boundaries in place.

It's not a coincidence that you grew up with abuse and are now in an abusive relationship, it's exactly how it happens.

The good news is that you can change this.

MojoDaysxx · 27/12/2021 16:59

Change the locks.

GatoradeMeBitch · 27/12/2021 17:01

He's not going to be in a shop doorway in the freezing cold. That removes a whole layer of guilt for you and should make it much easier to just get on and do what you need to do.

I don't think she's staying because she's worried about his housing arrangements. She's worried because he's violent and unpredictable and surrounded by enablers who would politely look the other way if he attacked her.

1FootInTheRave · 27/12/2021 17:01

Put your kid first fgs.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 27/12/2021 17:03

@GatoradeMeBitch

He's not going to be in a shop doorway in the freezing cold. That removes a whole layer of guilt for you and should make it much easier to just get on and do what you need to do.

I don't think she's staying because she's worried about his housing arrangements. She's worried because he's violent and unpredictable and surrounded by enablers who would politely look the other way if he attacked her.

This.
GatoradeMeBitch · 27/12/2021 17:03

Call your mother and put your cards on the table. Put your pride to the side and tell her whatever you think she wants to hear. Narcissists love grovelling. Tell her that she was right and that he came back to the house and you're in danger if you stay. She may be a knob, but if she's not dangerous, she's your best bet.

If you really can't stand to ask her for help, call Women's Aid. You'll probably have to go into a shelter with your child, but at least you will be safe, and hopefully they can help you make a plan to move forward.

RantyAunty · 27/12/2021 17:04

You can start your year fresh without this arse in it.

As soon as you can, contact WA.
Plan the day you get him out. When he goes to work and you can pack up his junk and change the locks.
Then you can text him where his things are and not to come back.
Call the police if he shows up and starts trouble.

WonderfulYou · 27/12/2021 17:44

Social services are much more likely to get involved if you stay with this man.

Exactly this!

It’s not fair that you are subjecting your child to this and so they will rightly get involved.

You need to show them you are taking steps to protect your child and that means ending the relationship and getting this man out of your house.

If the police are called they will get involved as they know what impact this kind of relationship has on kids so will just want to know you are keeping your child safe and will help you if you need it.

My brothers ex has just been through this. My brother was given full custody due to his ex being in an abusive relationship and SS were obviously very involved but since she has split with her abusive partner they are back to sharing custody and SS aren’t involved anymore.

UniversalAunt · 27/12/2021 17:47

‘ Social Services do not become involved because a relationship breaks down.They become involved when the relationship should be ended but the 'good' parent stays with the abuser and cannot prioritise the child's needs.’ This

There’s some very sensible advice on this post.

It’s not you, it’s him.
He has ground you down, but you can rise again.
You do not have to put up with this any more.
Womens Aid offers you a free, confidential, non-judgemental help & support - where would we be without them? Start with a call to them as soon as you can. WA can help you with the process of getting him out & the key support agencies near to you.
Good point about being careful as abusers have a strong interest in monitoring how you react to them, to keep the ‘right side’ of going too far.
Collect & keep/copy any key documents to a safe place.

You have made the first step by deciding that you do not want him around you any more. Already you have made a change.

Delete this post in case he checks your phone. You may be spending more time or showing interest than usual & that may tip him off that things are changing.

If he gets aggressive or hands on with you, call the Police on 999.

ThreeLocusts · 27/12/2021 17:52

OP don't blame yourself, it's the abuser's fault. But you need to change your priorities - getting out of the relationship is way more important than not involving the police or social services. Let the police help you kick him out. Call women's aid first for advice.

Sorry your mum's difficult too, that's a lot to cope with. Any chance she might show her kind side if you come clean and admit you haven't yet broken up, but you want to now? Though it's probably safer not to rely on her.

My mum is a lovely kind woman, not stupid either, who somehow gravitates towards abusive men. I don't understand it either, but it irks me when ppl say it's her choices that are the problem. Some men sense vulnerabilities and are good at cornering people. It's those shits that are the problem, not you.

missymayhemsmum · 27/12/2021 17:57

Make your plan, op.
Probably a good idea to have people around when you tell him to go, though. Once you tell him to go, don't be alone with him ever. Chances are he will call you every name under the sun and go to live with his mum, but the violence may escalate.

If you can have friends or family on hand who can care for your child while you deal with police etc and stay in the house with you then do so. As pp have said there are probably lots of people who have been waiting for you to make this decision.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 27/12/2021 17:59

Getting the police involved will keep you and your son safe.

trevthecat · 27/12/2021 18:02

Oh please speak to woman's aid and the police. I left a similar situation 9 years ago next week and it was so hard but honestly the best thing I've ever done. You can do this

crowsfeet57 · 27/12/2021 18:05

If you are frightened of him, you may find that the Housing Association will be able to rehome you in another property

No they won't. They will NOT turn one tenancy into two due to a relationship breakdown. If you get a crime reference for the abuse they will do an emergency lock change.

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