H ignored choking son

[whatdidIimarry]

I was halfway out of the front door carrying something large and bulky when I heard our 8 year old cry out, clearly frightened and distressed, ' HE''S CHOKING! HE'S CHOKING!' And I could hear our five year old making a choking sound. I wasn't too alarmed as they were in the (quite small) back room with H who is his work's first aider so I knew he could handle it, giving me two seconds to put what I was carrying down. But as I did this I heard my son again, clearly frightened out of his wits, 'HELP! HELP! HE'S CHOKING! HE'S CHOKING!' , I could still hear the younger one making choking noises and I couldn't hear H as all so I ran to the room they were in. And there I saw five year old on all fours, face down and with a piece of regurgitated orange in front of him, and our 8 year sitting rigid and upright with eyes the size of saucers looking utterly distressed and terrified.

And there is H literally sitting at his desk, just one metre away from the five year old, with his back to the kids, doing some work on his laptop.

I comfort the kids and then say to H, who has still not turned around at all, and clearly has not at any point, and say, ' did you not hear eldest? Did you not hear how frightened he was?' 'I just thought they were messing around' said H. So I repeat, ' Answer me honestly, could you genuinely not hear in his voice how terrified he was?' ' No', said H, I thought they were messing around'.

Any, any fool would have heard that this was a child who was genuinely alarmed and frightened. How good an actor does he think our 8 year old is? And how good an actor does he think our five year old is, that he can mimic choking like that? And why wouldn't you even turn to look to check?

That's not normal is it? I have long realised that H has serious issues with a very limited ability to empathise with others, but this has shocked me, and I didn't realise there was much left about him that could shock me. Why on earth wouldn't a normal protective parenting instinct have kicked in?!

The thing is too, that surely even if he was telling the truth, then once he realised how much trouble his five year old had actually been in, then surely he would be full of remorse and worry and relief.

Whereas it sounds like he wasn't bothered at all.

So yes I do think you have a problem .

That's seriously worrying and not normal behaviour. To not have even looked round. Fucking hell. Your poor kids. Does he have previous form for totally ignoring them?

Of course this is a huge problem.

I also wouldn’t have continued to date a person who could not empathise with others, let alone married and procreated with them.

But I imagine this is just the tip of the iceberg.

If he is a lacklustre partner, you officially can’t say ‘oh at least he’s a good dad’ because this event shows he isn’t- he’s a shit one. Doesn’t even care about keeping them alive.

Fucking hell I would have some harsh words to say to him

@Chamomileteaplease

The thing is too, that surely even if he was telling the truth, then once he realised how much trouble his five year old had actually been in, then surely he would be full of remorse and worry and relief.

Whereas it sounds like he wasn't bothered at all.

So yes I do think you have a problem .

This. I am so sorry @whatdidIimarry I can’t imagine how relieved and crushed you are feeling right now. I don’t think I could ever look at him the same after this.

What have I just read?! Your husband is a psychopath, your son could have died and not only did he not try and help but he is completely unbothered. This would be the end of the marriage for me no question.

I’ve just though, your poor eldest is old enough to know what their dad just did :(

Absolutely not normal. I'd be concerned. Does he love the DC?

I can't imagine any adult, let alone an actual parent showing no concern at a choking child.

This would be a relationship ender for me. The children clearly aren’t safe with him.

There sounds something seriously wrong with him - first to ignore the danger his child was in and secondly to not even show remorse. That’s psychopathic behaviour.

Are you sure you've written an accurate account here?
I simply can't believe what I've read.

Omg. Seriously, omg.

I think i would have to take a break, go and stay with the kids at my mums or something, if you have that option.

It was only when i had my ds and my dad visited and I realised that the idea of leaving my dad alone with my son for so much as a minute was laughable, that I truly understood what my mother went through bringing up 3 children with him.

You can't leave the kids with him. That is genuinely frightening.

I can believe it.

My dad forgot to strap in my baby brother in a car. My dad went round a corner, the car door swung open and my brother fell out of the car.

Some parents are literally unable to take the needs of dependent young children into account. They don't have it in them.

This sounds really bizarre, even if he thought they were messing, to not even turn round to check or react at all is not standard behaviour.

OMG. That's psychopathic behaviour from your H. How absolutely terrifying, OP. Glad both kids are okay.

I genuinely don’t understand why someone could ignore something like that.

Even with a lack of empathy (I can be guilty of that on occasion as my name would suggest) but I would never dismiss a cry for help until I’d checked it out.

Oh OP. Something isn’t right there at all.

Is your husband a sociopath?!

No, that’s insane. Even if he thought they were messing around, what effort does it take to turn and check?
That is a concerning level of disinterest in his children.

I’d suggest asking him to leave today to be honest.

I couldn’t be in the same house as him.

That is text book psychopath behaviour. I don’t mean he has ever committed any crimes, but the mindset of not caring about the welfare or suffering of others is classic psychopath. There would be no way back from this for me.

That's chilling. And yes, your older ds will be able to process that something very scary was happening, he begged Dad for help and he was ignored.

Thank goodness you were there.

God I panic when the dog makes choking sounds, I can’t imagine sitting there passively if DS started to choke

There has to be more to this. Someone doesn’t just behave like that out of the blue.

You must have had other concerns about him even if not on this scale ?

It has shocked me. I don't even have words for what I feel.

He is odd. He is an odd person. I definitely think he has some undiagnosed something.

He feels his emotions strongly and can be very loving and affectionate. That's why I fell for him (and we have a lot of interests in common, we used to have a lot of fun).. So he has strong feelings of love for his kids and he loves spending time with them doing things that he enjoys (which happily coincides with things they enjoy).

He did show some signs of poor empathy before we had kids but I put that down to aberrations as he was so affectionate and loving outside of those times. Its since having kids that I realised that he doesn't have 'aberrations' but that he has a really serious problem. He just can't understand other people's feelings or emotions or react normally to them, even his children. And yes, he will ignore them if he is concentrating on something else, even when that is completely inappropriate, like that time.

He also has absolutely no common sense which I think is often linked to an almost complete inability to see things from another's. perspective.

I can't get over what I've just read?! Who on earth hears that and doesn't at the very least turn around to check?! It's terrifying that your children are 8 and 5 and he's presumably looked after them on his own a thousand times!