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Original poster

H ignored choking son

273 replies

whatdidIimarry · 27/12/2021 09:39

I was halfway out of the front door carrying something large and bulky when I heard our 8 year old cry out, clearly frightened and distressed, ' HE''S CHOKING! HE'S CHOKING!' And I could hear our five year old making a choking sound. I wasn't too alarmed as they were in the (quite small) back room with H who is his work's first aider so I knew he could handle it, giving me two seconds to put what I was carrying down. But as I did this I heard my son again, clearly frightened out of his wits, 'HELP! HELP! HE'S CHOKING! HE'S CHOKING!' , I could still hear the younger one making choking noises and I couldn't hear H as all so I ran to the room they were in. And there I saw five year old on all fours, face down and with a piece of regurgitated orange in front of him, and our 8 year sitting rigid and upright with eyes the size of saucers looking utterly distressed and terrified.

And there is H literally sitting at his desk, just one metre away from the five year old, with his back to the kids, doing some work on his laptop.

I comfort the kids and then say to H, who has still not turned around at all, and clearly has not at any point, and say, ' did you not hear eldest? Did you not hear how frightened he was?' 'I just thought they were messing around' said H. So I repeat, ' Answer me honestly, could you genuinely not hear in his voice how terrified he was?' ' No', said H, I thought they were messing around'.

Any, any fool would have heard that this was a child who was genuinely alarmed and frightened. How good an actor does he think our 8 year old is? And how good an actor does he think our five year old is, that he can mimic choking like that? And why wouldn't you even turn to look to check?

That's not normal is it? I have long realised that H has serious issues with a very limited ability to empathise with others, but this has shocked me, and I didn't realise there was much left about him that could shock me. Why on earth wouldn't a normal protective parenting instinct have kicked in?!

OP posts:
DrNo007 · 27/12/2021 10:32

My ex did this, only I (as an adult) was the one who was choking. No concern from the ex and also no remorse afterwards when I said I seriously thought I was going to die. I realised he was wired differently from most of us and did not care if I lived or died. When i challenged him he just said, “I didn’t know what to do,” but totally matter of factly, again no concern expressed at all. This (the absence of empathy, not especially this one incident) is a major reason why he is my ex.

WeatherwaxLives · 27/12/2021 10:33

Jesus that's horrifying. Just awful.

If I were out and about and heard a random child shouting that, I'd rush to help. Surely anyone would?!

To not help your own child, especially when you are the only adult present, is just awful.

And @PermanentTemporary that's made my blood run cold, that's horrendous Flowers

PermanentTemporary · 27/12/2021 10:33

I remember telling my dad that the front garden was on fire. He didn't even move his eyes towards me. I found a friend of my aunt's in the back garden, soneone id barely met before, who came to look and then sprinted to the phone to ring 999. I was so terrified. I knew very early on that I could never, ever rely on my dad for anything.

Holly60 · 27/12/2021 10:35

Yes that’s frightening. How are you going to trust him to look after them on his own?

beastlyslumber · 27/12/2021 10:35

I think you are minimising, OP.

And yes, he will ignore them if he is concentrating on something else, even when that is completely inappropriate, like that time.

It's not "inappropriate." He wasn't being "inappropriate" as he let one of his children choke while the other one screamed for help.

You may not want to put a label of psychopath or sociopath on your husband, and I understand. You don't have to. What you have to understand is that your husband was fine with what was happening in the room with him. Your kid could have died, to put it bluntly, and your husband did not care.

You don't have to put a label to that to know that you and your kids are not safe around this man.

Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy · 27/12/2021 10:36

Oh my! You really need to have a sit and think, long and hard about continuing this marriage, your youngest child could of died and he didn't care!
He isn't safe to be around them after this incident.

mildtomoderate · 27/12/2021 10:36

My husband would ignore something like this too. He's autistic. He tries every day to be present for the kids but he's often just away in his own world most of the time. If he's in the room with a child and the child falls over and starts crying he doesn't think to go to them, pick them up and comfort them.

And yet, he adores his children. Would die for them.

He has no executive function either. Loses his keys or his bank card regularly. Got his taxes in a mess a couple of years ago, so I do them now. Doesn't seem to know how to move forward with life in anything except his work.

So I get it. I love him. I knew he was like this when I married him.

Original poster
whatdidIimarry · 27/12/2021 10:37

He would have been distraught if our son did die. Its not that he wouldn't care. I think he would very strongly feel grief, he feels his emotions very strongly.

I don't know if he would feel guilt. I have only heard him express remorse a few times in the time I have known him, and then for very minor things. I don't think he would be able to acknowledge responsibility.

OP posts:
Roundeartheratchriatmas · 27/12/2021 10:37

I don’t even think an immediate appointment with a psychiatrist would be able to save a relationship like that.

He endangered your child and didn’t care.

He is a danger to your children.

AnnaBolina · 27/12/2021 10:39

Is he a psychopath? I don't throw that word out like bird seed. Genuinely thinking he sounds like a psychopath.

BettyOBarley · 27/12/2021 10:39

Wow that is truly shocking.
Are both your sons' ok now?
Was your DH remorseful at all when he realised it was genuine? It doesn't sound like it.

Sundancerintherain · 27/12/2021 10:39

Does this should familiar op

A large body of research suggests that psychopathy is associated with atypical responses to distress cues from other people, more precisely an impaired emotional empathy in the recognition of, and response to, facial expressions, body gestures and vocal tones of fear, sadness, pain and happiness.

Original poster
whatdidIimarry · 27/12/2021 10:39

It's not "inappropriate." He wasn't being "inappropriate" as he let one of his children choke while the other one screamed for help

Yes, you are right. I was using that word to cover a huge range of events from outright dangerous to lazy hands off parenting.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 27/12/2021 10:41

He would have been distraught if our son did die. Its not that he wouldn't care. I think he would very strongly feel grief, he feels his emotions very strongly.

No, he wouldn't. You are lying to yourself. If he was capable of being distraught at your son's death, he would be capable of being distraught at your son's imminent death.

*He feels his emotions very strongly" - Yes, and I bet the (only) emotions he feels very strongly are: anger, jealousy, hurt pride, hurt ego, and sorry for himself.

Thethingswedidanddidntdo · 27/12/2021 10:41

I just couldn't stay with him or let him have unsupervised contact. Take DS to hospital to be checked over today and tell them the whole story. Report him to social services too. Your elder son must feel so abandoned by him.

Original poster
whatdidIimarry · 27/12/2021 10:41

My husband would ignore something like this too. He's autistic. He tries every day to be present for the kids but he's often just away in his own world most of the time. If he's in the room with a child and the child falls over and starts crying he doesn't think to go to them, pick them up and comfort them

Interesting. H is awaiting an autism assessment, though I increasingly don't think it is autism. I had to fill in a form about him. I might try to contact the team to tell them about this incident.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 27/12/2021 10:42

I would take a break and think about all this. Understand, truly, that he can't manage their physical safety and what that means for you as a family. I would say that my dad was also unable to take emotional or practical needs into account as we got older either, so things didn't get more straightforward. That might not be the case for your dh.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 27/12/2021 10:42

Beware a judge will give him contact anyway. My barrister told me they are reckless with other people's dc..
My ds fell through a frozen pond. Exh was 2 dozen steps or more away..
He brought ds home in his cousin's clothes and exh told me he had splashed his trousers... Older ds told me the truth...
The same dc split his eyebrow twice on the rocks on a beach while exh was up on the pier.... Gave zero fucks about their safety.
I never slept when they were with him - court ordered..

CagneyNYPD1 · 27/12/2021 10:43

Can I ask you a question @whatdidIimarry? If the dc want to get involved in an activity or club that doesn't fall within your husband's interests, what happens?

PermanentTemporary · 27/12/2021 10:43

Yes I would definitely tell the team.

What do you think it is instead?

AnnaBolina · 27/12/2021 10:44

@whatdidIimarry

He would have been distraught if our son did die. Its not that he wouldn't care. I think he would very strongly feel grief, he feels his emotions very strongly.

I don't know if he would feel guilt. I have only heard him express remorse a few times in the time I have known him, and then for very minor things. I don't think he would be able to acknowledge responsibility.

Your child could have died while your other son was screaming for help in the same room as their dad.

And he wouldn't have even turned around! Even if he's incapable of distinguishing emotion in someone else's voice (unlikely) or doesn't care about that emotion when it's not useful to him (more likely), he still understands words and responsibility!! Someone he's responsible for screams for help. He does nothing. A child he's responsible for screams for help on behalf of a younger child he's also responsible for and it didn't set his adrenaline off, didn't even raise the slightest bit of interest to turn around.

Chilling. Truly chilling. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but that would be it for me. Our marriage would be over. What if you left a little earlier? What if the food didn't come out? Would your 5 year old be alive? Be in hospital?

ItsAlwaysThere · 27/12/2021 10:46

Bloody hell, yes that's a problem. He was so absorbed that he didn't pick up on the urgency.

I know children can be noisy and sometimes what they're saying can get lost in all the madness, but if what you're describing was true - a panicked, urgent voice from your son, then your husband should have picked up on that.

I've worked from home, with the children about and can shut out the noise but still am half-listening for any problems. Which I'm sure the majority of parents do.

Glad your son is okay.

Original poster
whatdidIimarry · 27/12/2021 10:46

@Sundancerintherain

Does this should familiar op

A large body of research suggests that psychopathy is associated with atypical responses to distress cues from other people, more precisely an impaired emotional empathy in the recognition of, and response to, facial expressions, body gestures and vocal tones of fear, sadness, pain and happiness.

Yes, this is very familiar. He doesn't understand when he is upsetting people or making them angry. He just doesn't seem to realise their very obvious communication that they are through facial expressions, tone of voice, body language.

I really don't think that is was that he didn't care if his son died. I have seen times when he is aware one of his sons' is hurt and he does respond normally, and shows normal caring emotions. I think this time he just couldn't hear the emotions.

And no he didn't express remorse. He very, very rarely admits fault. I think that itself is part of whatever dysfunction he has.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 27/12/2021 10:48

Can we stop with the casual abalism on here this is yet another thread where people claim something neurodiverse people fwiw both my younger children are on the umbrella pathway there have been a couple of choking incidents over the years BOTH of them reacted appropriately and swiftly

DropYourSword · 27/12/2021 10:48

I just...I can’t understand how it wouldn’t be a parents natural instinct to check their child was ok in this situation. I can’t understand this at all!!

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