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Original poster

Wife not looking after husband after operation

187 replies

Wauden · 27/12/2021 01:19

People where I work were chatting on zoom and a colleague was talking about an operation that went well, quite a routine one.
He mentioned that he had recouperated in some sort of post operative care facility, ie like a private care home, until he would get more mobile. This is with private health care. This sounded a bit odd because he is married so surely a partner would normally look after their spouse after they are given the ok to return home from an operation? Assuming that the wife was able bodied which apparently she is. It turns out that his wife told him, that she did not want to do that and said that he had to go and stay in the care facility.

After some chatting with another colleague it turns out that she didn't visit him at the care home at all. Anyway he is out now.

What happened to in sickness and in health? This can't be normal, can it? I don't want to ask too much about it as it's not my concern but the general feeling is that it's really off.

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 27/12/2021 01:22

Sounds like a good idea to me. Why should she run herself ragged if he can receive good care on his insurance?

CharlotteRose90 · 27/12/2021 01:25

Depends . Is she working full time , running the house looking after the kids etc? They have the money for the care place I’d be doing the same.

SnarkyBag · 27/12/2021 01:25

Maybe he needed personal care and she wasn’t comfortable with that? As you said though not really your concern

lomoloko · 27/12/2021 01:25

You don't know their lives; you don't have enough information to know anything, so really you are telling yourself a story with these people as props. You can decide who is the villain and who is the victim. It's a story.

Some people choose to tell themselves stories filled with villains, but you can choose differently. What might be a good reason? Choose that one, until you have facts.

NewNameForQuestions · 27/12/2021 01:27

She's his wife, not his nurse. If they have the means to keep those jobs separate, then I'm all for it. I'd have visited if it was me and my husband, but maybe she didn't have cover for kids or wasn't allowed because of Covid?

Monty27 · 27/12/2021 01:27

Covid concerns possibly?
And you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Sunbird24 · 27/12/2021 01:29

Wish I could have done that after a surgery I had rather than trying to cope on my own!

Sounds pretty sensible to me…

Momijin · 27/12/2021 01:31

Keep your beak out. You don't know them or their circumstances.

Mandofan · 27/12/2021 01:33

I guarantee if the roles were reversed the comments would be very different. Of course it’s not right. I would look after my husband if it was me and I know my partner would do the same for me.

user1481840227 · 27/12/2021 01:34

You don't know anything about them.
Maybe he's an absolute arsehole?

What happened to in sickness and in health?
For all you know they are married on paper only and all vows have been broken or maybe they made no vows!

Original poster
Wauden · 27/12/2021 01:37

Apparently it was very expensive and not fro insurance, like going private, as was the operation.

OP posts:
Takemine · 27/12/2021 01:38

I wouldn't judge because you can't possibly know the dynamic between them or her state of health.

Original poster
Wauden · 27/12/2021 01:39

She does not work and they have no children.

OP posts:
Takemine · 27/12/2021 01:40

Look, you don't know. You just don't know. That doesn't tell you anything. She could be depressed. He could be an arse.

Cameleongirl · 27/12/2021 01:41

My step-Mum had an operation shortly before the pandemic and spent a couple of weeks in a rehab facility. My Dad has his own health problems, he couldn’t possibly have looked after her as well as the staff did immediately after her operation, even if they’d had help coming in. She had 24 hour care-yes, it was expensive, but worth every penny.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/12/2021 01:43

Sounds a great idea. She's not his nurse. People are turfed out of hospital ridiculously soon after operations now, often needing a lot of care and support. Much easier in a dedicated facility with a suitable layout, than in a home with stairs, for example.

Totallydefeated · 27/12/2021 01:44

If I had to have an operation, I’d far rather be able to stay somewhere and recuperate and be looked after somewhere other than home. At home I’d feel obliged to get up and get stuff done ASAP and relying on DH can be a haphazard affair at times.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/12/2021 01:45

You portray yourself as a judgemental gossip. Is that how you wish to come across, to be seen by your colleagues?

Butterfly44 · 27/12/2021 01:46

None of your concern really. Bit gossipy of you. You don't know their circumstances and if they have money and want private care then why not. Visiting medical facilities is very much restricted. And this is all heard third hand...

lottiegarbanzo · 27/12/2021 01:46

Just remember that people who gossip with you, will also gossip about you.

user1481840227 · 27/12/2021 01:47

@Wauden

She does not work and they have no children.
So what. Maybe she doesn't work because he doesn't let her. I'm not suggesting that that is the case but just making the point that you simply do not know what goes on behind closed door in other peoples relationships.

You said she's able bodied in your OP. Well maybe she has mental health issues? Do you expect to be told everything about the wifes health before you make your mind up about whether she's behaving correctly?

Maybe she is a highly anxious person and is too anxious to look after someone recovering from an operation and wants them looked after by professionals?

CheeseMmmm · 27/12/2021 01:47
  • Do they have children?
  • Does have a lot of commitments eg work, study, caring for elderly relatives etc?
  • You posted today said chatting on zoom workmates. Colleague telling about OP so presumably v recent. So happened in run up to Xmas then? That's often a v busy time. If private did he have choice of date? V likely did.
Maybe he said just before Xmas, she said crikey wait till Jan? He said no keen to get thing doesn't sound needed asap. Tell you what I'll do tricky bit of recovery there, you get on with work/commitments/sourcing the doves, getting marquis ready, making sure huskies and sleds get dyed the right shade of green...

Was the post operative care specialised, involved things like physio, him learning how to do something new that he will need to do? V painful need serious drugs or high risk infection? Etc.

  • Was he v immobilised so turning/lifting would be needed to care for him?
  • Did it involve part of body would need someone else to do stuff and he was squeamish/embarrassed about spouse doing?

Etc blah so on

GoneAndNameChangedAgain · 27/12/2021 01:48

If he’s got mobility problems then it is quite possibly cheaper to have him stay at a facility like that than pay for nurses, hoist hire etc. There is absolutely no way I could manage to get my dh out of bed/ dressed/ to the toilet on my own if he had mobility problems, even if I didn’t work or have kids. Even using a hoist with one person is difficult, particularly if you’ve not had training which I doubt his wife has unless she’s a nurse.

SpindleSpangle · 27/12/2021 01:48

Oh god I'd love that, peace and quiet in a clean, lovely recouperative care facility for a few days, not all the ludicrous noise and chaos in an NHS ward before being turfed out too soon or the bloody stairs at home.

HerRoyalNotness · 27/12/2021 01:52

I could have done with that. I had an op and was immobile and on heavy drugs. H said just ask when you need something. I’d ask and he’d sigh and tut and I’m sure a FFS under his breath. After a week he said how stressed he was and he had to go back to work so fucked off 16hrs away leaving me with 3 kids and a non working arm. I had to come off the good painkillers as I couldn’t function on them and get on with it. Bastard.

Anyway there always 2 sides to a story so I wouldn’t judge, and I would be unlikely to care in the same situation