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Original poster

Wife not looking after husband after operation

187 replies

Wauden · 27/12/2021 01:19

People where I work were chatting on zoom and a colleague was talking about an operation that went well, quite a routine one.
He mentioned that he had recouperated in some sort of post operative care facility, ie like a private care home, until he would get more mobile. This is with private health care. This sounded a bit odd because he is married so surely a partner would normally look after their spouse after they are given the ok to return home from an operation? Assuming that the wife was able bodied which apparently she is. It turns out that his wife told him, that she did not want to do that and said that he had to go and stay in the care facility.

After some chatting with another colleague it turns out that she didn't visit him at the care home at all. Anyway he is out now.

What happened to in sickness and in health? This can't be normal, can it? I don't want to ask too much about it as it's not my concern but the general feeling is that it's really off.

OP posts:

Kshhuxnxk · 27/12/2021 10:05

DP is a rubbish patient and I'm an even worse nurse! This sounds like an amazing solution and if I was the patient I'd love this.

Usernamecreated · 27/12/2021 10:05

I'm a professional care giver. OP stated that the man was not mobile. Keeping somebody who cannot weight bear clean and safe is work that takes training. I could not physically get my husband out of bed on my own. We pair up at work if somebody is bedbound or needs hoists to mobilise.
This is not as simple as, he's not very mobile so you look after him by fetching and carrying. This is personal care, and probably rehab/physio etc as well.
A short stint in a care setting or a house full of all the equipment that makes life easier: hospital bed, hoist, commode etc, which take up a lot of room and are expensive.
I know which I'd choose whether it be me or my DH.
It's nobody's business what other people choose to do, but like some pps, I'm pointing out the difficulties that healthy and mobile people wouldn't think to take into account.

SprayedWithDettol · 27/12/2021 10:07

This is a blatant attempt to demonise women. I see your misogyny OP.

moremoony · 27/12/2021 10:10

Sounds perfect to me. Getting catered for 24/7. Peace and quiet. Sign me up now.

Goldbar · 27/12/2021 10:10

@Usernamecreated

I'm a professional care giver. OP stated that the man was not mobile. Keeping somebody who cannot weight bear clean and safe is work that takes training. I could not physically get my husband out of bed on my own. We pair up at work if somebody is bedbound or needs hoists to mobilise. This is not as simple as, he's not very mobile so you look after him by fetching and carrying. This is personal care, and probably rehab/physio etc as well. A short stint in a care setting or a house full of all the equipment that makes life easier: hospital bed, hoist, commode etc, which take up a lot of room and are expensive. I know which I'd choose whether it be me or my DH. It's nobody's business what other people choose to do, but like some pps, I'm pointing out the difficulties that healthy and mobile people wouldn't think to take into account.

It is astounding that people think that the onerous and challenging work you do can be done safely by anyone without proper training and equipment. It is attitudes like this which mean that society undervalues caring work. 'Oh, why can't his wife do it?' It just shows such little appreciation of what carers have to cope with.

Usernamecreated · 27/12/2021 10:15

Thank you @Goldbar. I, and other carers, really appreciate that sentiment
I've had my eyes opened doing this work. And I'm very aware that there are still people out there who are trying to look after loved ones without appropriate support.

TheUndoingProject · 27/12/2021 10:17

Maybe she doesn’t work because of her own serious health issues. You have no idea about their lives and you need to keep you nose out.

Feelingoktoday · 27/12/2021 10:18

Why wouldn’t he - if he had the option? Why are family members expected to provide unpaid caring duties? We expect too much from families and partners.

Feelingoktoday · 27/12/2021 10:21

@Usernamecreated

I'm a professional care giver. OP stated that the man was not mobile. Keeping somebody who cannot weight bear clean and safe is work that takes training. I could not physically get my husband out of bed on my own. We pair up at work if somebody is bedbound or needs hoists to mobilise. This is not as simple as, he's not very mobile so you look after him by fetching and carrying. This is personal care, and probably rehab/physio etc as well. A short stint in a care setting or a house full of all the equipment that makes life easier: hospital bed, hoist, commode etc, which take up a lot of room and are expensive. I know which I'd choose whether it be me or my DH. It's nobody's business what other people choose to do, but like some pps, I'm pointing out the difficulties that healthy and mobile people wouldn't think to take into account.

Exactly this. How do you propose his wife gets him to the toilet if he is non mobile?

LostForIdeas · 27/12/2021 10:24

Well if some posters think you are judgemental, then so am I!!

Yes there are some good reasons why one would be better cared outside the house BUT I fully and utterly disagree with the idea that she is his wife and not his nurse.

Would those posters also say that a wife (or husband) shouldn’t care for their partner dying from cancer? Because you know they are not their nurse so they should be in hospital on their own in their last days?
Would those posters be happy to be left in their own in a hospital/care facility if they were ill??

And actually, if it was their dog who had surgery, would they leave said dog in a kernel whilst ‘they recover’ or would they think it’s better to bring them home?

All this talk about ‘she is his wife not his nurse’ smacks of utter selfishness tbh.

God forbid that their partner ends up chronically ill or disabled really. I imagine they would be the first to leave the marriage….

fuckoffImcounting · 27/12/2021 10:31

Judgey pants pulled up tight.

JamieNorthlife · 27/12/2021 10:33

@Wauden

People where I work were chatting on zoom and a colleague was talking about an operation that went well, quite a routine one. He mentioned that he had recouperated in some sort of post operative care facility, ie like a private care home, until he would get more mobile. This is with private health care. This sounded a bit odd because he is married so surely a partner would normally look after their spouse after they are given the ok to return home from an operation? Assuming that the wife was able bodied which apparently she is. It turns out that his wife told him, that she did not want to do that and said that he had to go and stay in the care facility. After some chatting with another colleague it turns out that she didn't visit him at the care home at all. Anyway he is out now. What happened to in sickness and in health? This can't be normal, can it? I don't want to ask too much about it as it's not my concern but the general feeling is that it's really off.

It seems like it was a good idea to recuperate in a post-op care facility, especially if he was not mobile and could afford it. Moving and handling and helping someone non-mobile after surgery is extremely exhausting.

OP, are you aware of post-op arrangements for people that can't afford to go private? Social services facilities/nursing homes or care at home all with very low staff numbers and visiting at different times during the day. Meaning the burden would be on his wife.

Why should the wife/woman automatically be their husband/partners carers?

CallMeNutribullet · 27/12/2021 10:34

You know a lot about this colleague's person circumstances

England101 · 27/12/2021 10:34

Not sure what country your in. But here in the UK there seems to be an attitude that caring for others is someone else’s responsibility. Whether it be an elderly parent or a partner. The answer is always call the social services, refuse to take them home from hospital etc. but I can assure you no one cares for your loved one as much as you. perhaps it’s cultural ( in other countries people take care of their own).

In this case if he wanted to go home and recoup then it’s a shame she appears to be unwilling to facilitate that. She doesn’t need to be an expert to give his pill medication, help toilet someone and cook a basic meal (even if she wasn’t confident you can have carers/ therapists come to you 4 times a day to help show you) but it’s nice for him to be is his own environment. If she won’t help now it’s doesn’t bode well for the future. And if she was to ever become unwell he should treat her in the same manner she has treated him.

MissMarpleRocks · 27/12/2021 10:39

Myauldman thank you that’s the sort of thing we are looking for until arrangements & adaptations can be made for our relative at home.

Usernamecreated · 27/12/2021 10:42

@LostForIdeas

Well if some posters think you are judgemental, then so am I!!

Yes there are some good reasons why one would be better cared outside the house BUT I fully and utterly disagree with the idea that she is his wife and not his nurse.

And actually, if it was their dog who had surgery, would they leave said dog in a kernel whilst ‘they recover’ or would they think it’s better to bring them home?

All this talk about ‘she is his wife not his nurse’ smacks of utter selfishness tbh.

God forbid that their partner ends up chronically ill or disabled really. I imagine they would be the first to leave the marriage….

There's a big difference between somebody getting short term care/rehabilitation in a care setting, and being nursed at home due to long term illness. I and my colleagues support people who are ill with cancer and other life limiting diseases. We go in up to 5 times a day to give clients and their families what support they need. It leaves the families able to give what care and companionship they are able to provide. There is equipment available and care from various skilled teams to support this. Nursing someone through end of life is more than just a romantic notion. It's smelly, heavy and difficult. It's highly rewarding but not everyone can or should undertake this kind of work. And more often than not, loved ones are run ragged despite all the support. It's something that should never be done alone.

TreborBore · 27/12/2021 10:45

@Usernamecreated

I'm a professional care giver. OP stated that the man was not mobile. Keeping somebody who cannot weight bear clean and safe is work that takes training. I could not physically get my husband out of bed on my own. We pair up at work if somebody is bedbound or needs hoists to mobilise. This is not as simple as, he's not very mobile so you look after him by fetching and carrying. This is personal care, and probably rehab/physio etc as well. A short stint in a care setting or a house full of all the equipment that makes life easier: hospital bed, hoist, commode etc, which take up a lot of room and are expensive. I know which I'd choose whether it be me or my DH. It's nobody's business what other people choose to do, but like some pps, I'm pointing out the difficulties that healthy and mobile people wouldn't think to take into account.

Absolutely this.

TreborBore · 27/12/2021 10:46

Also, there are staff shortages across the board at the moment and it might be easier for him to access services such as physio in a care setting than at home.

AngelinaFibres · 27/12/2021 10:51

@LostForIdeas

Well if some posters think you are judgemental, then so am I!!

Yes there are some good reasons why one would be better cared outside the house BUT I fully and utterly disagree with the idea that she is his wife and not his nurse.

And actually, if it was their dog who had surgery, would they leave said dog in a kernel whilst ‘they recover’ or would they think it’s better to bring them home?

All this talk about ‘she is his wife not his nurse’ smacks of utter selfishness tbh.

God forbid that their partner ends up chronically ill or disabled really. I imagine they would be the first to leave the marriage….

Absolutely none of that is the case here

5128gap · 27/12/2021 11:18

So, you've spoken to your recuperating colleague and your take away is not concern for him, or pleasure at his recovery but to judge his wife and talk about their marriage behind their backs. You have no idea of their circumstances, yet have the arrogance to appoint yourself monitor of how well she is upholding her marriage vows. Truly shocked at such blatant small minded malice.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 27/12/2021 11:27

perhaps he had physio on hand?

or they have a lot of money?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 27/12/2021 11:28

op hasnt come back to say where they are based in the world?

LIZS · 27/12/2021 11:35

Presumably it was agreed between them beforehand and it may be that a convalescent home could provide rehab and nursing support which may have been less coordinated at home, so a faster recovery.

Rainartist · 27/12/2021 11:49

It's a good idea. Years ago people stayed in hospital for a few days/weeks after the op for rest and recuperation nowadays you're out sometimes in days.

I had total abdominal hysterctomy at 38. I was in Fri to Mon. Got home to a 3 and a 5 year old and a husband who went back to work a week or two later. It was too much. All that "don't lift even a kettle" went out the window with two dc who didn't understand. I ended up with an infection.

For older, frailer, more serious conditions I don't think spouses should be left to do the personal care/treatment. They're not nurses. Surely the "in sickness and in health" bit of marriage vows is that you support and love them and not abandon them for a healthier model, not that you become an qualified nurse/carer.

tarasmalatarocks · 27/12/2021 12:17

@GingerScallop. Yep, far too much interest here on something that is none of OPs business

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