Wife not looking after husband after operation

[Wauden]

People where I work were chatting on zoom and a colleague was talking about an operation that went well, quite a routine one.
He mentioned that he had recouperated in some sort of post operative care facility, ie like a private care home, until he would get more mobile. This is with private health care. This sounded a bit odd because he is married so surely a partner would normally look after their spouse after they are given the ok to return home from an operation? Assuming that the wife was able bodied which apparently she is. It turns out that his wife told him, that she did not want to do that and said that he had to go and stay in the care facility.

After some chatting with another colleague it turns out that she didn't visit him at the care home at all. Anyway he is out now.

What happened to in sickness and in health? This can't be normal, can it? I don't want to ask too much about it as it's not my concern but the general feeling is that it's really off.

If I was married and had the money for that kind of aftercare and rehab, then I would absolutely use it. What's the problem? That she didn't play nurse? Perhaps he had care needs that she couldn't meet.

Keep your beak out.

After a c-section I recuperated at a private facility. There was 24 hour midwife care. They looked after the baby at night or whenever so I could sleep. There was a visiting physiotherapist to help me get back into shape. The meals were restaurant quality. Friends could drop in for afternoon tea. There were beautiful grounds. I didn't feel hard done by staying there!

Another who has no idea how you feel this is your business, let alone the fact you seem quite outraged by it.

There could be a thousand reasons. Maybe she is providing care to elderly parents. Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable providing the post-op care he needs, maybe they have stairs or the layout is not conducive to his mobility immediately post-op. Who knows? If they have money that he can stay somewhere to get care tailored to his needs, why not, why do seem outraged by this?

I had a colleague whose wife had an operation limiting her mobility afterwards. Their house was not suitable immediately afterwards, they would have needed to redo a room on the ground floor as a bedroom and while there was a toilet, she would not have been able to shower. He solved the problem by booking them into a 5 star hotel immediately on her exit from the hospital. He made sure he got one with no stairs for any facility and a large walk in shower and he organised a shower chair. They started off in the hotel room and just got room service for each meal and hotel laundry service. Then as she improved he would take her up to the roof pool for change of scenery to lay on pool chair in the sun, have a cocktail with lunch delivered. Then as she improved again they would use the hotel restaurant for meals. He took her to the gym there to use the exercise class step boards, on and off. After 3 weeks they left and went home and he had another week off to make sure she was okay in the house. Not everyone can do this, and often a rehab/post care facility would be the best alternative (and less costly if you already have private insurance).

@Lotusmonster

He might be accessing in-house services like physio, dressings being changed, help washing etc. It’s a great idea until he’s on his feet. Jeez mind your own bloody business fgs. 🙄 Until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes, don’t think you know how to tie their laces.

I know someone who went to one of those, he used all of those services. In addition, he was with a lot of people who were experiencing exactly the same as him, so could share information and support. It's like getting any other form of support: cleaning, cooking etc. Of course, your spouse could do it for you, but if it's more convenient to pay for it, why not?

Plus I think the he's-an-arse theory is highly possible.

@Nancydrawn

I cannot stress to you enough the depths to which this is none of your business.

This!

Sounds like a right diva. She must be a nightmare to live with.

I think many have missed OPs v informative info-

His colleague is seriously minted.
His wife doesn't work.
They have no children.

Taken at face value.

It's clear if OP were direct would not hesitate to state what hinting at.

That wife is gold digging freeloader, living life of Riley, that the DH pays for.
In fact he pays for everything while she bops about free as a lark, spending his money.
And the fact she didn't even visit just confirms that she's a cold, avaricious exploiter of men.

Cmon people. Get with the subtext!

Then I'm sure we will all agree that OP colleague is being cruelly exploited by calculating woman. As is so terribly common these days. In fact, hardly any marriages aren't like this.

OP, have you considered activism around this outrageous exploitation of men?

OP?

this is terrible. When discussing this blokes wife at length with other work bloke/s.

Have you any ideas on what to do?
To rid this poor chap of this succubus?

If she doesn’t work and he’s the one with the money, it sounds like he chose to stay there. After all, he’s the one paying for it. Why is the wife to blame? Why does it even matter you you how they conduct their own relationship?

@CheeseMmmm

I think many have missed OPs v informative info-

His colleague is seriously minted.
His wife doesn't work.
They have no children.

Taken at face value.

It's clear if OP were direct would not hesitate to state what hinting at.

That wife is gold digging freeloader, living life of Riley, that the DH pays for.
In fact he pays for everything while she bops about free as a lark, spending his money.
And the fact she didn't even visit just confirms that she's a cold, avaricious exploiter of men.

Cmon people. Get with the subtext!

Then I'm sure we will all agree that OP colleague is being cruelly exploited by calculating woman. As is so terribly common these days. In fact, hardly any marriages aren't like this.

OP, have you considered activism around this outrageous exploitation of men?

Yes, this ^

OP, you should get in touch with another recent poster who has spent a lifetime working with women who keep crying at work. Maybe together you could come up with some kind of plan to sort these pesky, emotional free-loading women out.

Alternatively, you could just not have anything to do with women at all- you could give yourselves a name, then abbreviate it, something like MGTOW.

Someone can appear able bodied and have other health issues that you are not aware of . Also I’m guessing the reason she may not have visited is due to covid ?

SaskiaRembrandt

Excellent advice to OP.

Also usually threads on here (at least one on here at mo) that discuss male female relationships, from perspective women judge men by their wealth, and how much they spend on dates, generally throw money about. Apparently these are the key to spotting a 'high value man'. Suits and 5 course first dates no expense spared seem to be important. For women, they need to be beautiful plus made up dressed up etc.

Those might be worth a look for OP.

How the fuck do you know if she’s able-bodied or not. I appear able-bodied. I certainly am not. No way could I look after my dh after surgery needing any kind of lifting or personal care. I have a child. But don’t work as I’m far too ill to do so. If you see me out in public, it’s because I’m well enough to be out, otherwise you just don’t see me.

It may be off for the wife not care for her DH or to visit - many people in the world would think it's off that elderly parents are cared for in care homes, yet it's quite normal in this country.

Or it might be that the wife is already caring for elderly parents, and feels she can't take on any more caring.

Who knows?

Generally people who don't work either have caring responsibilities, issues with their own health, or really don't need the money. So based on that the wife either already has enough in her plate or is loaded enough for the DH to be able the beat possible care.

We have no idea.

This woman, is her name Ruby and does she take her love to town?

I'm also quite interested to know,

Given obvious wealth of OPs colleague,
Assuming the zoom chat with colleagues (today?) involved workmates with similarly v lucrative jobs.

What relationship situation is in the group, and how they avoided the same fate as the man with the gossip worthily awful wife.

Whether there is context/ background that makes them concerned for their friend?

Rather than thinking. Well up to him. Not my thing but whatever.

I feel deeper things at play with this whole situation.

is this in the uk?

OP, you should get in touch with another recent poster who has spent a lifetime working with women who keep crying at work. Maybe together you could come up with some kind of plan to sort these pesky, emotional free-loading women out.

Excellent advice. Gosh yes, women just are complete bastards, aren't we? I feel very chastised.

Alternatively, you could just not have anything to do with women at
all- you could give yourselves a name, then abbreviate it, something like MGTOW

I was reading that rooting for Incel being the acronym, but yanno MGTOW is a close 2nd place.

Good for her, love to see women putting boundaries in place. Probably better for him too having dedicated care! Not sure what your issue is, unless he was forced there against his will sounds like they decided together. I would if I had to, but providing intimate care and the responsibility can change a relationship sometimes.

My husband recuperated at one of these facilities for ten days after surgery last year (paid out of pocket - not by insurance). Best money we’ve ever spent. Why would I try to do the job of an actual qualified nurse when such places exist to give him the best care possible and hopefully a much better outcome than trying to muddle through at home?

It sounds odd at first and wouldn't be my choice.

But everyone's relationships are different. I don't understand why this wasn't more of a 'oh right' moment.

God that sounds ideal for me. I have so much going on and he'd get better recovery with trained people than me trying to juggle everything.

It's extremely difficult to lift and turn a fully grown man and to get him to the toilet and back safely.

Surely you know that?!

@Tarne

It's extremely difficult to lift and turn a fully grown man and to get him to the toilet and back safely.

Surely you know that?!

Exactly! Leave it to the people who are trained if you can. Sounds ideal. And then there's the personal care aspect. They may be uncomfortable with that.

I'd stop being so judgy and start being more supportive OP