Wife not looking after husband after operation

[Wauden]

People where I work were chatting on zoom and a colleague was talking about an operation that went well, quite a routine one.
He mentioned that he had recouperated in some sort of post operative care facility, ie like a private care home, until he would get more mobile. This is with private health care. This sounded a bit odd because he is married so surely a partner would normally look after their spouse after they are given the ok to return home from an operation? Assuming that the wife was able bodied which apparently she is. It turns out that his wife told him, that she did not want to do that and said that he had to go and stay in the care facility.

After some chatting with another colleague it turns out that she didn't visit him at the care home at all. Anyway he is out now.

What happened to in sickness and in health? This can't be normal, can it? I don't want to ask too much about it as it's not my concern but the general feeling is that it's really off.

Lost I can only speak for myself but yes, if I was terminally ill I would prefer to be in a hospice and have professional care rather than rely on my DH or DS to wash me, change my incontinence pads, insert a catheter etc. I have been involved with caring for terminally ill people (both professionally and personally) and it is not something I would want my loved ones to have as their last memories of me.

Ohh what a lovely gossipy bunch of colleagues you are!

All this talk about ‘she is his wife not his nurse’ smacks of utter selfishness tbh.

No, it recognises the training, skills and experience of nurses @LostForIdeas Plus the fact that people are commonly turfed out of hospital post-op, still needing professional nursing.

Sounds fine if it’s right for both of them but any time either of us has been in hospital we’ve been to visit every day (pre covid)
Not visiting sounds like she doesn’t give any shits tbh.

Although obviously this has happened during covid so I take it back, she probably wasn’t allowed to visit….

My stbx used his operations as an excuse to order myself and the kids about long after he had recovered enough to do things for himself. I’m just glad I’ll not be around for the next operation. I would 100% have put him in a rehab facility and not visited if I’d had the chance

My mum had this twice once after having been hospitalised for pneumonia and once for a broken pelvis.. Two weeks in a care home to recuperate. It's called a step down bed and was free. She was medically fit to leave hospital but needed some care to get her back on her feet properly and meant she wasn't blocking a hospital bed. They used to be called convalescent homes I believe.

None of your business or ours

I'd divorce over that , my OH was horrible to me after I gave birth and got poorly we split over his lack of empathy later got back together . I had another surgery and my OH was brilliant helping me with lifting stuff and into the shower. I really believe in sickness and health! In progressive terminal disease then it's unfair one person has to care for the other without any outside help, I don't believe in that and I would be happy to have home care go in a care home.

It suppose if there was a mobility issue then coming back to a flat with no lift access would be a hassle. And Especially trying to lift a larger man out of bed and say into bathroom.

If they just needed a hand to steady themselves into the bathroom and then could sort themselves, that's different

I had an op on December 2, out on December 3 and that morning a cheerful nurse said to me: oh you will be so looking forward to going back home where you can relax...I looked at her and said: I have a 3 year old. Oh, she said.
I was feeling much better at my private hospital, in a private room, with my private tv and hospital grade pain killers. Still makes me laugh when i Think of it.

In the couple of years before I told my now ex-husband I was divorcing him, while I was getting my ducks in a row, had he needed care after an operation, I would have done EVERYTHING I could not to do it. He was vile to me, uncaring and unhelpful when I had an incapacitating shoulder injury. He could fuck off to his mother's/anywhere. She may feel like this.

Seven pages of women coming up with reasons why OP's male colleague did not deserve to be looked after or visited at all by his wife after surgery.

It could well be that the specialist convalescence could have been better for him.

It could well be that he is an evil monster, or his wife just needed a break, or that peace and quiet are more important.

I personally find the idea that of someone being in hospital recovering from surgery not being visited even once by their spouse pretty sad. I'm sure if it was a woman in that position there wouldn't be half as many on here rushing to her husband's defence.

Not your business but I would wonder why they were together.

Nobody knows what goes on inside a marriage except for the two people inside it.

I wouldn't want to judge this situation.

@Eleganz

Seven pages of women coming up with reasons why OP's male colleague did not deserve to be looked after or visited at all by his wife after surgery.

It could well be that the specialist convalescence could have been better for him.

It could well be that he is an evil monster, or his wife just needed a break, or that peace and quiet are more important.

I personally find the idea that of someone being in hospital recovering from surgery not being visited even once by their spouse pretty sad. I'm sure if it was a woman in that position there wouldn't be half as many on here rushing to her husband's defence.

The handful of posters who have totally grasped the situation when put OPs posts together.

Vv wealthy man.
Wife, no children.
Wife does not work.
Wife breaching important part of wedding vows.

Well I think most of us know where OP is coming from... Don't we

@LostForIdeas

BUT I fully and utterly disagree with the idea that she is his wife and not his nurse.

Maybe she's going to be his sexy nurse when he recovers and they have a wild and kinky sex life and want to keep some mystery alive

Would those posters be happy to be left in their own in a hospital/care facility if they were ill??
I would actually as I wouldn't want a partner looking after me. Left over issues from an emotionally neglectful childhood. I hate people doing stuff for me or feeling like a burden!

And actually, if it was their dog who had surgery, would they leave said dog in a kernel whilst ‘they recover’ or would they think it’s better to bring them home?

No the dog would be coming home of course .
The dog wouldn't understand why they weren't coming home or wouldn't know it wasn't forever so would be likely to be distressed and confused.

I'd much rather go to a 'convalescent home' post-op and be looked after by professionals.

The idea of relying on my partner for getting me to the bathroom / managing bedpans etc, as well making sure all medicine, drinks and food are provided when needed, while I am helpless, unwell and feeling vulnerable and inevitably emotional, makes me shudder.

It isn't the relationship I want with a husband / partner who is not already my full-time carer.

I didn’t know such facilities existed. My husband had a week in hospital last year following an emergency operation. Recovery was slow but fairly standard. We are both fairly young and fit, no kids and live in a bungalow. However, I have never been in a situation where I have been someone’s carer in this way. It was very stressful and difficult. I have no regret helping him this way because I love him however I didn’t realise the impact it would have on my health at the time. We were both still a bit shocked and traumatised by the whole situation tbh and felt emotionally vulnerable (was unsure for a while if he was going to die and wasn’t able to visit due to covid). He was also feeling very fragile after his op and was in a huge amount of pain. He didn’t need major care such as help with need some help getting around. Compared with many people we got off very lightly, but I will never underestimate how difficult this sort of situation can be for people. I really feel for people who had it worse than us, eg no chance of full recovery, elderly partners or those with health issues of their own, young children to care for too etc. I think it’s good that the wife recognised her limitations and he was able to get expert care in his recovery

*major care such as help with going to the loo etc!

I’m presuming this couple are British?
Culturally, the U.K. seems to normalise outsourcing care- particularly in the case of the elderly.
I grew up with Sicilian grandparents and I have cared for my grandfather after surgery- I didn’t leave his house for 5 weeks after one operation. In our culture it simply is a sign of disrespect/almost abuse to outsource care needs of the family- especially elderly members. Nothing to do with money- it’s a source of pride and an almost love language to care for family members and place one’s life in hold to care for another.
I would find it very odd to not care for one’s husband! But in the U.K. this seems normal? In the same way I’ve heard people say their parents/grandparents need strangers to care for them/do their shopping as all younger family members ‘have busy lives’ aka living 5 miles down the road and going to the gym or making no attempts to change their working hours!
Cultural differences. I don’t think we can judge this lady because in my culture, the entire western view of care is worth judging! It’s all subjective

Essex I have heard of them either

Private I'd have thought stay in hosp private room rather than being moved!

Might have a little Google.

Adds to the growing number of ??? in the OPs posts. Sadly OP has vanished.

I expect he and his colleagues are trying to think of how to extracate this poor hugely wealthy man from his gold digging vow breaking cold ruthless wife.

Good luck with that OP. The tsunami of gentle, naive, rich men being ensnared by these ruthless, callous temptresses must be stopped.

@KnickersInADrawer

I’m presuming this couple are British? Culturally, the U.K. seems to normalise outsourcing care- particularly in the case of the elderly. I grew up with Sicilian grandparents and I have cared for my grandfather after surgery- I didn’t leave his house for 5 weeks after one operation. In our culture it simply is a sign of disrespect/almost abuse to outsource care needs of the family- especially elderly members. Nothing to do with money- it’s a source of pride and an almost love language to care for family members and place one’s life in hold to care for another. I would find it very odd to not care for one’s husband! But in the U.K. this seems normal? In the same way I’ve heard people say their parents/grandparents need strangers to care for them/do their shopping as all younger family members ‘have busy lives’ aka living 5 miles down the road and going to the gym or making no attempts to change their working hours! Cultural differences. I don’t think we can judge this lady because in my culture, the entire western view of care is worth judging! It’s all subjective

Family caregivers are predominantly female. Putting a greater burden on families to care for their unwell/elderly usually means putting a greater burden on women. Since women already spend many more hours per week than men caring for children and doing household chores (even when they work similar hours), this is an additional burden they can do without being guilted into assuming. Some will assume it out of love and because they feel they can cope, but our societal expectations of women as wives, mothers and carers are already too high. As a result, women are increasingly rejecting these gendered roles... for example, many women choosing not to have children leading to a low birth rate in many European countries including Italy.

@KnickersInADrawer

I’m presuming this couple are British? Culturally, the U.K. seems to normalise outsourcing care- particularly in the case of the elderly. I grew up with Sicilian grandparents and I have cared for my grandfather after surgery- I didn’t leave his house for 5 weeks after one operation. In our culture it simply is a sign of disrespect/almost abuse to outsource care needs of the family- especially elderly members. Nothing to do with money- it’s a source of pride and an almost love language to care for family members and place one’s life in hold to care for another. I would find it very odd to not care for one’s husband! But in the U.K. this seems normal? In the same way I’ve heard people say their parents/grandparents need strangers to care for them/do their shopping as all younger family members ‘have busy lives’ aka living 5 miles down the road and going to the gym or making no attempts to change their working hours! Cultural differences. I don’t think we can judge this lady because in my culture, the entire western view of care is worth judging! It’s all subjective

Very interesting, yes v different cultures, for so many reasons.

History, religious influences, economy, govt and social views, work practices, history etc of sex roles, cultural influences, population demographics, I mean just so so much.

Massive topic!

On this thread...

Just between you and me...

The situation OP describes in their handful of posts is...

Very peculiar. OP has not been back to answer any of the questions about... The really very very odd situation.

I think the facts we have from OP-

Very very wealthy man. Married. No children. Wife doesn't work.
Has a call with work colleagues on or around boxing Day ..!
Work colleagues gossip after and OP felt compelled to post on MN.

Very unusual circs.
So many big questions.

And on a different topic, don't believe everything you read on the internet

I would look after my husband! Not sure why you are getting such a hard time OP.