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Original poster

Wife not looking after husband after operation

187 replies

Wauden · 27/12/2021 01:19

People where I work were chatting on zoom and a colleague was talking about an operation that went well, quite a routine one.
He mentioned that he had recouperated in some sort of post operative care facility, ie like a private care home, until he would get more mobile. This is with private health care. This sounded a bit odd because he is married so surely a partner would normally look after their spouse after they are given the ok to return home from an operation? Assuming that the wife was able bodied which apparently she is. It turns out that his wife told him, that she did not want to do that and said that he had to go and stay in the care facility.

After some chatting with another colleague it turns out that she didn't visit him at the care home at all. Anyway he is out now.

What happened to in sickness and in health? This can't be normal, can it? I don't want to ask too much about it as it's not my concern but the general feeling is that it's really off.

OP posts:
bloodyhoodedeyes · 27/12/2021 07:01

I have a chronic painful condition, you'd judge me and think I'm able bodied and capable of caring for my husband.. but nope I'd be booking him into the same thing.

MissMarpleRocks · 27/12/2021 07:03

Just came on as we may need something like a nursing recuperative care facility for a relative. Think it’s a great idea personally. For those that did it were you referred by GP? And how did you find one if it’s not too rude to ask.

Sparklingbrook · 27/12/2021 07:08

I agree with everyone saying that it sounds great. He gets looked after my healthcare professionals until such time that he's capable of coming home. I would absolutely do it.
He was probably in a lovely private room with a TV and nice food.

As for her not visiting him, could be any number of reasons. But he's home now so it's all good.

drpet49 · 27/12/2021 07:09

* She does not work and they have no children.*

^So predictable the woman doesn’t work.

speakout · 27/12/2021 07:13

You donlt know the whole story.

I left my OH when he had cancer.

Fairyliz · 27/12/2021 07:14

This is MN so you are never allowed to judge anyone else there’s always an excuse. You are also never allowed to talk about anyone else or what they are doing in their life or this is gossip.
Back in the real world, yes of course people would think this was strange.

Sparklingbrook · 27/12/2021 07:16

I live in the RL and I don't think it's strange. I think it's genius.

SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 07:17

@Sparklingbrook

I live in the RL and I don't think it's strange. I think it's genius.
Same.
OneOfTheGrundys · 27/12/2021 07:18

I think it sounds good. If I’d had an op I’d far prefer to be cared for in a comfy private care facility than at home. Honestly? Surrounded by professional care, everything done… yes please.

RedRobin100 · 27/12/2021 07:22

Why do you care so much?

Presumably not a nurse I presume. Sounds like a great idea to me if they can afford it.

Maybe he needed specialist care, or manual handling, or she didn’t feel confident enough to do it, or they simply preferred that option..

Don’t know why you’re so invested

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 07:23

It sounds like a great idea. Are you pissed off your colleague can afford private healthcare and his wife doesn't need to work, or...?

You know his wife is able bodied but she could have a chronic illness or be a carer for another relative.

She might volunteer and have had to give that up to care for him.

She might just not like him.

AuntieMarys · 27/12/2021 07:23

I'm delighted I never had the sickness and health clause at my wedding. My service took 24 seconds.

SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 07:25

In sickness and in health doesn't mean you have to provide their health care. I'm not expected to operate on my DH.

PiglingBlonde · 27/12/2021 07:43

My mum did that recently. She had a knee replacement and booked herself into a recuperation facility for 2 weeks afterwards instead of going home to my dad who doesn't work, only has adult children and is perfectly capable of looking after her.

She had her operation wounds dressed daily automatically instead of having to try and fight through the Gp booking system for a nurse, she had on-site physio instead of having to do it by zoom or get in and out of a car to the physio centre (or wait for her 4 sessions of NHS physio).

She still struggles to walk but is on far better shape than she would have been if she'd come home and been bedridden for 6 weeks with no one able to check that she was doing her exercises properly. It also gave my dad a break after doing all her care including personal care for 18 months.

I'll let my dad know that his lack of devotion would be gossip worthy.

Ragwort · 27/12/2021 07:45

Sounds ideal, if I'd had an op I would much rather pay for private care (assuming I could afford it) than expect my DH to provide personal care etc. I am sure he would do it, but having seen many relatives have to provide care for loved ones it is not easy, comfortable or, in many cases, dignified. Sad.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 27/12/2021 07:47

Mind your own business?

LynetteScavo · 27/12/2021 07:50

Don't marriage vows say you keep your pause in sickness and in health? The wife hasn't run off because I'm he's in poor health- she's just not nursing him.

I'm not sure I had that bit in my marriage vows- maybe I should check what I actually signed up for. Grin

Northernparent68 · 27/12/2021 07:50

@Mandofan

I guarantee if the roles were reversed the comments would be very different. Of course it’s not right. I would look after my husband if it was me and I know my partner would do the same for me.
This.
Terminallysleepdeprived · 27/12/2021 07:53

You sound like a judgemental twat.

To the outside world I look perfectly able bodied. I am not. There are invisible disabilities you know.

There is no way I could help dp out of a chair or bed etc after a surgery.

Dd is cv. A hospital is probably a dead cert for catching covid. Very sensible to not have him home straight away. Also most care facilities are not allowing visitors due to covid outbreaks.

Some men like to paint themselves as a martyr.

You know precisely zero about the real circumstances from earwigging other peoples conversations.

Suggest you get a life and focus on your own life instead of getting so invested in other people's

AnxiousPixie · 27/12/2021 07:55

I had a fairly major op a few years ago. OMG is this had been an option for recuperation rather than going straight home to burden my husband while he was trying to do everything with the kids/dog/his own work and everything else I would have jumped at it!

Tabbacus · 27/12/2021 07:57

@Mandofan

I guarantee if the roles were reversed the comments would be very different. Of course it’s not right. I would look after my husband if it was me and I know my partner would do the same for me.
Its not like he was shoved into some hovel to fend for himself was it? OP is judging and has decided that the wife is the villain (no surprise there), but perhaps he said he'd be more comfortable there, or as any marriage should be, maybe they talked about it and agreed it would be best all round. I'm sure a fair few women would prefer to be somewhere like that after an op!
Cattitudes · 27/12/2021 08:04

@AnxiousPixie

I had a fairly major op a few years ago. OMG is this had been an option for recuperation rather than going straight home to burden my husband while he was trying to do everything with the kids/dog/his own work and everything else I would have jumped at it!
Thinking the same. Couldn't get upstairs for the first week so slept on sofa, plus children dropped home from school by friends because dh at work. Although lovely to see family etc a week in rehab maybe with a pool would have been great. Staying in hotel room also sounds like a good plan.
YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 27/12/2021 08:11

You sound incredibly judgemental and snide about something that’s absolutely none of your business.
If only I could have done exactly what this couple has done when I had surgery instead of relying on my DH.

shamalidacdak · 27/12/2021 08:11

Yeah definitely off behavior from the wife. Don't see this marriage lasting

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/12/2021 08:13

Why not, if they can afford it.

He probably preferred it too. I would.

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