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Original poster

Wife not looking after husband after operation

187 replies

Wauden · 27/12/2021 01:19

People where I work were chatting on zoom and a colleague was talking about an operation that went well, quite a routine one.
He mentioned that he had recouperated in some sort of post operative care facility, ie like a private care home, until he would get more mobile. This is with private health care. This sounded a bit odd because he is married so surely a partner would normally look after their spouse after they are given the ok to return home from an operation? Assuming that the wife was able bodied which apparently she is. It turns out that his wife told him, that she did not want to do that and said that he had to go and stay in the care facility.

After some chatting with another colleague it turns out that she didn't visit him at the care home at all. Anyway he is out now.

What happened to in sickness and in health? This can't be normal, can it? I don't want to ask too much about it as it's not my concern but the general feeling is that it's really off.

OP posts:
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 27/12/2021 08:21

You don't know everything about the dynamics of the couple OP , just from the snapshot he gives you at work .
Find a hobby

saraclara · 27/12/2021 08:28

@Calamitydrayne

If the sexes were reversed you'd all be slagging the man off and telling her to LTB. Bunch of hypocrites lol
100% that. Can you even imagine?

OP: "I've had a routine operation. I'm ready to be discharged but will need my DH to help with my care initially. But he's refused and said I have to go to a a private recuperation hospital instead. I just want to be in my own home and recover among my own things, but instead I'm banished to a private hospital"

The next 100 posts: "LTB"

saraclara · 27/12/2021 08:33

Good for her, love to see women putting boundaries in place

Would you be equally happy for a man to have those boundaries that prevented his wife coming home after an operation?

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 08:38

@saraclara but we don't actually know what they discussed. If a woman came here and said that we'd be able to get the full story and decide whether he's a prick.

This is just idle gossip

uggmum · 27/12/2021 08:40

I am so glad I do not work with you.
How nosy and judgemental!

This is none of your business.

Coffeeandsnow · 27/12/2021 08:44

It sounds like a great idea. Are you pissed off your colleague can afford private healthcare and his wife doesn't need to work, or...?

Agree 100%

crestar · 27/12/2021 08:45

LTB

She didn't even visit him

ittakes2 · 27/12/2021 08:50

It has crossed my mind that you might have feelings for him and maybe that's why you are assessing their relationship to this level of detail?
We have one of these near us and I have day dreamt of going there and being pampered!

TheFairyCaravan · 27/12/2021 08:58

I’ve had multiple major surgeries that have rendered me bed ridden for weeks/months. If I had had to go to a care facility, private or otherwise, because my husband couldn’t be bothered to help me when I was ready to be discharged I wouldn’t still be married.

It might well have been the man’s decision to go, and I respect that, but the woman is pretty mean and selfish to have not visited him at all. I bloody hate hospitals but I was there daily when my husband had surgeries.

I really think the replies on this thread would be different if the roles were reversed.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/12/2021 09:00

I don’t think it’s normal at all. Dh needs two operations and I’ll be caring for him at home.

When I’ve been ill or post op he’s taken care of me.

SportsMother · 27/12/2021 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SportsMother · 27/12/2021 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2021 09:08

Not visiting him sounds odd. I can only assume either covid restrictions or an unhappy marriage.
Regarding him being cared for in hospital until fully recovered, that sounds great to me! Much better than being discharged asap to free up the bed and struggling at home.

AngelinaFibres · 27/12/2021 09:14

@SpindleSpangle

Oh god I'd love that, peace and quiet in a clean, lovely recouperative care facility for a few days, not all the ludicrous noise and chaos in an NHS ward before being turfed out too soon or the bloody stairs at home.
Absolutely. If you have more money than you need for your everyday expenses you have more choices and you can act on those choices. Most people probably couldn't afford an expensive post operative privately run care facility and would have to just get on with it , with good grace or not. My husband is my husband, not a patient. If I had to help him with personal care I absolutely would but if we could afford something nicer both he and Iwould very much prefer that and if covid prevented visits we would watts app lots .You have no idea how they communicated whilst he was in there . Other people's marriages are always different to yours. When my father was ill with various serious things over the years he expected my mother to wait on him hand and foot . It was partly because he needed to be cared for in a practical way but also because he regarded it as an expression of how much he was loved . She was there all the time (years and years pre covid) therefore he was very loved, therefore he was a fabulous person. She people pleased herself into exhaustion partly because it was easier to do that than to deal with the horrid behaviour that came with saying no. Perhaps this woman had no problem with saying no to her husband. Perhaps they have set boundaries for each other. I am all for that having seen the alternative. Personally I would love to go to a recuperation facility and relax and if no one could visit I would look forward to lots of catching up once I was home.
trappedsincesundaymorn · 27/12/2021 09:18

I don't want to ask too much about it as it's not my concern but the general feeling is that it's really off

Yeah why ask when you can just bitch about her behind her back? God forbid you discover she had valid reasons for not doing what you decree as her duty. What a fool you'll appear then on top of being a mean spirited gossip

Oblomov21 · 27/12/2021 09:19

If you can afford it? Why not. I would if I had the chance. For a minor op. Dh and I have both had shoulder operations in the last year, this would've been really nice I assume!

Myauldman · 27/12/2021 09:41

@MissMarpleRocks

Just came on as we may need something like a nursing recuperative care facility for a relative. Think it’s a great idea personally. For those that did it were you referred by GP? And how did you find one if it’s not too rude to ask.
If you’re in the South East have a look at The Clavadel
Goldbar · 27/12/2021 09:44

Maybe she can't physically care for him? Maybe she doesn't want to put her back out helping him to the toilet?

I'm always amazed that caring for sick and injured people and the elderly is seen as completely unskilled work that can be done safely by anyone. Bending, lifting and weight-bearing can all result in serious injury to the patient or caregiver unless done properly. In a facility, they will have the proper equipment to make sure these things and everything else are done safely and efficiently.

hurkledurkle · 27/12/2021 09:45

@saraclara

Good for her, love to see women putting boundaries in place

Would you be equally happy for a man to have those boundaries that prevented his wife coming home after an operation?

I agree that posters on here are generally much too quick to recommend the nuclear option, but as an A&E nurse, I'd recommend specialist rehab to anyone regardless of sex and I wish it were more widely available on the NHS. People do get discharged much too soon because of pressure on beds, and we get re-attenders in the department because they had a fall at home when really home was never the safest place for them at that point. Rehab can really improve recovery outcomes.
LivingNextDoorToNorma · 27/12/2021 09:48

My auntie’s husband actually did this recently. He had a big op and was pretty much immobile. My auntie is able bodied, but not physically strong enough to lift/move her much larger husband. She would have really struggled to help him wash, use the toilet etc, and potentially really hurt them both. The place he stayed was a godsend until he was more able to help her, help him.

LondonJax · 27/12/2021 09:51

Depends on what it was and all this business about if it was reversed is ridiculous!

My mum was the same height as me. If she needed helping off the loo (as she did on more than one occasion) it was doable, but difficult for me.

If DH, 6' 1" tall needed help I'd be struggling after a few days as I'm only 5'2" and a good 4 stone lighter.

If he had to help me he wouldn't have a problem - because he's got almost a foot in height and 4 stone in weight more than me so can lift me easily.

It all depends on what the operation was, what was needed and her particular abilities.

But not visiting was a bit rough - again unless there are issues around travel. If she has health issues that make a long or multiple change journey difficult or if she has anxiety (like an aunt who couldn't go out on her own because of mental health issues) then it's understandable.

I'd say don't judge until you know the story and, if he's OK with what happened, it's none of your business anyway.

Longdistance · 27/12/2021 09:52

Good for her I say!
My dm run herself into the ground caring for my df. Now my db is her carer. I’ve told my dh and dds that if I’m that immobile and infirm, just put me in a care home. I’m not having them bust a gut to look after me.

Goldbar · 27/12/2021 09:52

There is probably a 'no visitors' policy due to Covid.

LondonJax · 27/12/2021 10:00

@Goldbar

There is probably a 'no visitors' policy due to Covid.
Good point. And, if there wasn't, they may have made up their minds to impose their own 'ban' to ensure both of them kept safe for the short time it seems he was in.

Years ago people would go to convalescence homes after operations. Proper nursing staff would be able to check that people were moving correctly and without pain before they actually went home. Rather than leave it all to someone who is untrained, trying to do their normal daily stuff whilst running themselves ragged looking after someone who doesn't want to be a burden so often tries too hard to get better quickly and ends up back in hospital.

ElectraBlue · 27/12/2021 10:01

First of all all you know nothing about this marriage and the actual circumstances so you are being judgemental and gossipy...

If the patient has mobility problems, need 24 hour post op care and medications every few hours, it is going to be highly disruptive if the other partner also works and has kids to look after.

Also physically if his mobility is affected his wife might be concerned she might not be able to help him should he fall and/or to help carry him if he has problems going around. There is also the issues of providing personal care which many people will be uncomfortable with.

If the option for getting the post-op care done by professionals is there why not take it? it will be safer and easier on the family.

Also remember that not all health conditions and disabilities are visible so for all you know this lady could have her own health issues.

But frankly it is a case of mind your own business....