Husband told dd he wish he had never had her

[Chohlin654]

DD (14) was winding her Dad up last night. He'd had a lot to drink, he had been out for 9 hours drinking. It was something he should have laughed off but because of drink, took her serious.
He told her to shut her mouth and he wished she had never been born. He never wanted her and regretted meeting me etc. Would rather be on his own etc. He really went off on one. He was sending lovely messages up until 15 minutes before, is it something he's been harbouring for a long time, I wonder?
DD was so upset and went upto bed, he went to sleep. We have been out all day with younger dd and he's been in the pub, he's now in bed pissed. I really need to leave him don't I? I think I may be finally in a position to do this.
He's always been a drinker and really nasty to me but never said anything like this to the girls before.

This really falls into the category of things you just never say, being pissed is no excuse for saying this to his daughter
She will probably always believe this to be true going forward, nothing he says or does will probably ever recover how she sees him
His comments on what he would be doing if single will add weight to his fucking awful comments

*anyone they're going for

My dad said this to me, drunk, 8 years ago. I haven't spoken to him since and never will again. There is a back story of course, but this was the final straw.

I remain very grateful that I am an adult and can choose who I have in my life. Unfortunately your daughter isn't, but she will be soon and he needs to be aware of that and what she may choose to do about her relationship with him.

Consequence? What a load of bollocks.
A consequence for a teen getting lippy with their dad is to get sent to their room or grounded or lose some pocket money or internet time.

Telling your child you wish they did not exist is not a consequence. It is abusive.

It's a valuable lesson to learn that you can't just kick off in the real adult world without consequences. As a teen she needs to start understanding that now otherwise she'll quickly come unstuck

You mean .... challenge a drunk adult in your home (a drunk adult who's been regularly verbally abusing your Mum).

@IncompleteSenten

Consequence? What a load of bollocks. A consequence for a teen getting lippy with their dad is to get sent to their room or grounded or lose some pocket money or internet time.

Telling your child you wish they did not exist is not a consequence. It is abusive.

Exactly.

But I bet she wasbt even getting lippy without cause.

He has a history of being a nasty drunk.

And we all.know what it's like trying to deal with a drunk man back from the pub; the only good scenario is that they go straight to bed and are then comatose.

How often does he have these 9 hour drinking sessions, every Christmas, once a week? I wasn't sure whether to call him as alcoholic,

@Allsortsofroses

There is an element of truth in what Cimone writes. This is not in any way to defend or excuse the DF's response.

It's a valuable lesson to learn that you can't just kick off in the real adult world without consequences. As a teen she needs to start understanding that now otherwise she'll quickly come unstuck.

You are defending it.

And your take is completely wrong.

Ops dh is a nasty drunk, I'm sure anything his child said was probably justified. In response he showed himself to be unfit to be a parent.

NO,I'm not defending it. I'm responding to the idea that teenagers should think they can kick off whenever they like and without consequences and then be excused for their bad behaviour simply because they are teenagers. As a parent myself I have attempted to give my children some life skills that will stand them in good stead. You are doing your teenage children no favours by giving them the impression that they can goad others and be exceedingly rude and objectionable but this is OK because they are teenagers. I left UK some years ago but am appalled at some things I see in the papers that are happening there . Looking at some of the responses to my last post, it seems that some are saying if you have children, you shouldn't be expecting and reasonable or polite behaviour from them.

As I already said, but has been overlooked by those who don't believe in teaching children how to survive in an adult world, I am NOT defending the father's behaviour.

Are you suggesting a parent's options are either let the teen do whatever they want or drunkenly tell them you wish they'd never been born?
Because that's quite strange.
Normal parents set normal boundaries and deliver normal consequences. Telling your child you wish they did not exist is not a normal or appropriate response to teenage behaviour.

Sending them to their room is.
Revoking internet time is.
Extra chores are.
Etc.

Saying you were a mistake, you've ruined my life and I wish I'd never had you is so far from being a 'consequence' that I am genuinely concerned for anyone who thinks otherwise.

Or to be more accurate, genuinely concerned for the emotional well being of the children of someone who thinks a parent telling their child they are unwanted on the planet is what the child deserves for speaking out of turn.

@Chohlin654 how are you feeling today? Sorry your thread has been derailed for a bit but we’re still here to help you.

I'm responding to the idea that teenagers should think they can kick off whenever they like and without consequences and then be excused for their bad behaviour simply because they are teenagers.

You have absolutely no idea what started or escalated the argument so you simply cannot make any presumption that she "kicked off" without good cause/provocation or at all.

What we do know, however, is that her father is a known nasty drunk, abusive to her mother ....hehe frogman long doing session. I knuw where my money would be bet in this scenario.

You should be focusing on a child being abused in get home by an alcoholic drunk, instead you are focusing on issues of teenagers/children's of interaction with adults .... you are completely in the wrong.

He has shown what he's like with his comments .. . You just wouldn't go there. Unfit, abusive parenting.

Hes shown what he's like with his behaviour to op to date.

The issue is not the child's behaviour.

*back home drunk after a long drinking session.

@IncompleteSenten

Are you suggesting a parent's options are either let the teen do whatever they want or drunkenly tell them you wish they'd never been born? Because that's quite strange. Normal parents set normal boundaries and deliver normal consequences. Telling your child you wish they did not exist is not a normal or appropriate response to teenage behaviour.

Sending them to their room is.
Revoking internet time is.
Extra chores are.
Etc.

Saying you were a mistake, you've ruined my life and I wish I'd never had you is so far from being a 'consequence' that I am genuinely concerned for anyone who thinks otherwise.

Or to be more accurate, genuinely concerned for the emotional well being of the children of someone who thinks a parent telling their child they are unwanted on the planet is what the child deserves for speaking out of turn.

Try reading this a few times dogmandu.

See if you can actually write a reasonable, relevant post on this thread.

A clear cut case of an alcoholic abuser extending his abuse to younger family members, who ard no longer in bed or compliant ... and you're turning it into "stroppy teenagers need training" issue. Insane.

And just like that, the arse broken his daughter's heart.
She won't forgot.

You'd probably have a lot more money if he wasn't pissing it away drinking.

Glad you're going to leave him.
2022 onwards and upwards.

So many direct & honest posts full of experience & heard-won advice for @Chohlin654 & anyone facing these all-too familiar situations. All too many of us have grown up in these or similar circumstances. For all of you & a very peaceful Christmas.

A few comments stood out for me & many (actually most) of you echo’d the same good sense & sound advice.

From @Double3xposure. ‘I think the place to start is to get legal advice . I know that’s not easy two days before Christmas but you might be able to get a recommendation for someone good and then get an appointment for early in the New year. This is their busiest time ☹️.

• Get copies of all paperwork and store on the cloud or at someone else’s house.
• Tell people in RL that you trust absolutely to support you and not tell anyone else. Don’t talk to anyone who is invested in keeping up appearances - you will know if any of your family are like that. *Tell no one else , not him or your kids.
• Keep your cards close to your chest.

@Keepitonthedownlow: ‘There is something about men who hate women, they change when their daughters reach puberty and they become 'fair game'. @Allsortsofroses: ‘That seems like a very valid point. Also she's not an uncritical, easily manipulated, simple young child anymore; she's challenging him; so he's abusing her now too. That's unlikely to change.’

I agree with these two comments. He won’t stop bullying your daughter when he’s either sober or drunk, he may also over praise her to compensate for his demolishing her – very manipulative & confusing.

These comments from @TicTac80 caught my eye: ‘ …. I found out later that he used to tell his friends that he didn’t think I’d ever dump him or finish with him. That I’d always be there for him., no matter what he did.’ Also ‘Where he goes is not your problem. He can stay in a hotel or go stay with a friend.’

Please make sure you have the number of a 24/7 locksmith & enough money to hand just in case you ever need to change the locks quickly. Womens Aid may be able to supply you with the name of someone reputable & reliable.

Unforgivable, sending you strength to get through.

Even if the teenage daughter was in full on Kevin the teenager "Ihateyou IwasadoptedIwishI'dneverbeenborn" mode, the substance of her father's drunken rant was completely appalling, because adult, because parent.

My mother said appalling things over decades but it took until I was in my late 40s to cross a line from which I vowed there would be no return. I wish I'd done it sooner. She died alone, estranged from all her children, all for very similar reasons.