Husband told dd he wish he had never had her

[Chohlin654]

DD (14) was winding her Dad up last night. He'd had a lot to drink, he had been out for 9 hours drinking. It was something he should have laughed off but because of drink, took her serious.
He told her to shut her mouth and he wished she had never been born. He never wanted her and regretted meeting me etc. Would rather be on his own etc. He really went off on one. He was sending lovely messages up until 15 minutes before, is it something he's been harbouring for a long time, I wonder?
DD was so upset and went upto bed, he went to sleep. We have been out all day with younger dd and he's been in the pub, he's now in bed pissed. I really need to leave him don't I? I think I may be finally in a position to do this.
He's always been a drinker and really nasty to me but never said anything like this to the girls before.

He did say a horrible, hurtful thing and she will be feeling very sore about that. But to say she’ll be deeply damaged, never get over it etc-please don’t give your daughter that message. Don’t turn her into a victim for the rest of her life. Tell her people can be very nasty under the influence of alcohol and unfortunately, her father is one of those people. Tell her he’ll deeply regret saying that and, hurt as she is, in time she’ll gain perspective. And then be determined not to let her finish her childhood in a family where people shout abusive things to each other-and that includes everyone.

A man who spends nine hours in the pub a couple of days before Christmas when he has a young family at home is an arsehole regardless of what he said to your DD, but that was utterly unforgivable and you cannot allow him to come back from it. No amount of apologising once sober will undo this damage and it will stay with her forever.

Just read some of the threads about people's childhood memories of Christmas, dominated by drunkenness, arguing and violence. You know what needs to happen here if your DD not to see you as part of the problem one day.

@Cimone

Participating in this forum, I see it as a cultural difference. Black Americans parent differently than white people do. We are more no nonsense, and you all in general take a lot of disrespect and nonsense from your children. You make excuses for it. We tell our kids stop thinking you are grown when you mouth off and cannot take the heat grown men and women dish out in response. You coddle sensitive feelings. We snort and go on with our lives.

*@Cimone* while you are entitled to your view on children’s behaviour, is the way this man responded to his daughter your idea of good parenting? A telling off doesn’t equal a torrent of abuse.

The mess America is in why would we want to import any part of their culture, least of all parenting techniques

Oh dear this is truly awful. This will be forever remembered as the Christmas, Dad told me he didn't want me.

This will cause irreparable damage & there are some things you cannot retract.

If she ever chooses to forgive, she will never ever forget.

What an arsehole.

I agree with the previous poster who said not to make a big deal of it to her.
My mum used to get drunk and tell us she didn’t want us ALL THE TIME. This did damage as she was nasty all the time, and said other awful things as well.
If he’s normally a good dad, he can do a lot to repair this damage and make her feel loved.
As for if you should stay with him, he doesn’t sound great, but that’s for you to decide.
I just wanted to try and offer some reassurance if she generally feels loved by him, he can sit down with her and have a compassionate, honest conversation about drinking and saying very stupid things.

Don’t even worry about getting a decent job first. When I was in a refuge I came across a leaflet saying you can afford to leave. Yes, its hard and you have to lower your expectations. But if you’ve stayed with a nasty drunk, it really won’t be any worse. Probably a lot better.

That is so true. I left with nothing. A few spare nappies. Thank God for social welfare.

Ive been working since 2014 before anybody tells me off

I had parent say this twice to me when I was under the age of ten. I'm afraid you just don't forget it.
I suggest you tell him that he is drinking days are over, due to the terrible wound his has caused. It's family first, not drink first.
If he won't stop then, he is having a relationship with his booze.
I suggest you're firm with him about this, as it's an opportunity for change. It's not a happy life around an alcoholic.

Don’t even worry about getting a decent job first
She's got a good job she says. I agree with what you are saying though.

So sorry. Agree with everyone else who says it’s unforgivable behaviour from your dh - all of it. I was also going to say in vino veritas - whatever he was thinking deep inside has now come out.
Certainly tell your dd you love her, she was much wanted (by you at least). Counter all the crap her dad said.
She prob will remember it forever, I certainly remember a lot of things my parents said - good and bad - but depending on what happens now is whether she internalises it or realises her dad has major issues and it’s all in him, not her.

As for @Cimone - wtf! Kids talk back all the time - you just tell them it’s not acceptable and move on. I’m all for a bit of banter and light ‘cheek’, but I always say if it gets rude or personal that is where the line is drawn!

I hope you managed to get some sleep OP. I’m so sorry this has been happening to you (and now your DD).
I chucked my XH out on Xmas Eve night 3yrs ago. After trying everything over the preceding almost 6yrs to help him stop drinking.
He used to be abusive towards me when drunk. I got to the point where I’d had enough, and didn’t want to subject the kids to having to hear anymore of his abuse (it was towards me, but still awful for them to be hearing). I told
him that I was done with him ruining family events, going awol etc. and that I’d be done if he did it again.
NB I’m a nurse and normally work Xmas but I’d had the 3days off over Xmas and was really
Looking forward to it. We’d had plans to spend a lovely family day with my brother and his family, and then we’d wrap pressies together that night and put stockings out. I had planned a wonderful Xmas for us all. You get the picture …but on Xmas Eve morning, he pleaded illness. When the kids and i got home, he’d gone AWOL. I spent evening trying to look for him before finding out he’d spent the day in the pub. He rolled up at home pissed as a newt and got abusive with me. I told him to leave. He then tried to break in, so I called the police on him. Twat.
My eldest remembers some of what he used to say to me (it was nasty and threatening. He got physical once or twice but would mainly trash the house rather than me). I don’t think my youngest remembers. Luckily most of this would take place in the evenings after the kids were in bed.
XH would go on about wanting to do what he wanted, when he wanted without us being a thorn in his side. So he’s now got what he wanted. I found out later that he used to tell his friends that he didn’t think I’d ever dump
him or finish with him. That I’d always be there for him., no matter what he did.
After I chucked him out, I actually gave him a final chance: live separately, sober up, get clean (found out he was doing a lot of drugs too), get counselling, work on marriage and prove he can do that for 6-12 months, and then we have a chance (after all I’d given him nearly 6yrs). He didn’t even manage 1month before fucking off with someone else. So yep, he got his freedom, and he lost his family (and pretty much all his mates).
What I wish I did was chuck him out about 5yrs before. I still start to shake when I smell certain
Alcohols on people’s breath, or hear the slurred speech of a very drunk person. I won’t have drunks in my house.
Where he goes is not your problem. He can stay in a hotel or go stay with a friend. He shouldn’t have behaved like that.

Do what is right for you and the kids. Okay your cards close to your chest and quietly get info. You don’t have to do anything just yet with it. Me personally? I would throw him out. You’ll be ok honestly. Don’t let your kids think that this sort behaviour is normal, acceptable or should be something to put up with. You and the kids deserve better.

Oh and FWIW, my XH couldn’t remember what he’d said a lot of the time. Very convenient.But I started to record it on the sly. It was disgusting, nasty, abusive and threatening stuff. He’d blame the alcohol…but never took steps to actually do anything about quitting drinking!

People do change. It should be an alcohol free Xmas for your husband after what he's said.
If he wants to drink, he should piss off to get pissed.

Shall we not derail the OP’s thread? Cimone is unlikely to be back until this afternoon - it’s the small hours in the US now. Let’s get on with supporting the OP. Cimone isn’t the first US parent to come on here and tell us we’re doing the Internet wrong and she won’t be the last…

He's abusive & intentionally harmed his daughter. He shouldn't be given a second chance as his behaviour will escalate.

I think you need to speak to him sober.

I hope you're doing OK Op. There is some good advice on here (please ignore the victim-blaming poster who thinks that a cheeky 14 year old deserves to be told they aren't loved or wanted).

I have been in a very similar position and KNOW that leaving was the right thing to do for DC. No questions. If you stay, you are subjecting yourself to more of this man who has been absuive to you for years, and you are subjecting your DD to more of it, and showing her that her feelings don't matter and she should learn to put up with abuse.

You won't regret leaving.

Stay strong, and keep talking here.

Cimone, No its not the daughter fault. The adult should be in control of his emotions and his anger.
It's the adults fault.

Leave. Your poor daughter.

Make sure she knows that you are leaving him because he is abusive, and wrong about her, and his priorities are f*cked. Show her that at least one of her parents thinks so much of her that they would move heaven and earth to keep her happy and safe.

Why are you sleeping on the sofa why the abuser gets the bed.

I would tell him to go - not your problem where he goes - I would explain that f he doesn’t you will phone the police and report his mental & emotional abuse and remind him you are and the girls victims of domestic violence explain the police will take it seriously and remove him.

Once he is gone - I’d report him to the police and log it with them make it clear this is abuse to them and you are fearful and he is drunk

It's time to leave, my heart.
Get your girls and go. Tell your daughter how wonderful and precious she is. And you too are also wonderful. I grew up with alcoholic parents and I wished all the time they would stop drinking and fighting and neglecting us
Please leave him. Not only is he a serious alcoholic (drinking for 9 hours is revolting.) But abusive and nasty. He can go. Are you able to leave the house or canyou chuck him out, would he go, if you told him to , or would he get nasty???? Is the house in your name? Do you work, have your own money?
Sorry to hear you're going through this. Sending lots of love to you and your children.

Cimone sounds just lovely. Not.