Husband told dd he wish he had never had her

[Chohlin654]

DD (14) was winding her Dad up last night. He'd had a lot to drink, he had been out for 9 hours drinking. It was something he should have laughed off but because of drink, took her serious.
He told her to shut her mouth and he wished she had never been born. He never wanted her and regretted meeting me etc. Would rather be on his own etc. He really went off on one. He was sending lovely messages up until 15 minutes before, is it something he's been harbouring for a long time, I wonder?
DD was so upset and went upto bed, he went to sleep. We have been out all day with younger dd and he's been in the pub, he's now in bed pissed. I really need to leave him don't I? I think I may be finally in a position to do this.
He's always been a drinker and really nasty to me but never said anything like this to the girls before.

Please don't say that you are weak. You did the best you could with where you were, and now you see so clearly that it is time to leave. And you've bravely built a career and put yourself in a financial position to do so.
I am now in my mid-forties. I can still remember, word for word, the nasty things my alcoholic father said to me. (He was also violent, but it's the hateful things he said that scarred me the most). But what hurts most of all is that my mother never even admitted that these things were a problem. (After he hit my face with an iron, burning my cheek, she even said that she couldn't see the mark. There was serious disfunction there). So just the fact that you are saying to your daughter, "It isn't ok that this happened. We are going to sort this out" is SO powerful and so healing.
I am full of admiration for you and wish you further strength.

His words come from a nasty nasty place because I know he doesn't mean it and that's what's worse I think, he's saying it to hurt her. And he has succeeded

Whether he truly meant it or not, your daughter will always wonder if he did (and probably be inclined to believe he did).

Totally aside from that, someone whod cross a line that should never be crossed by a parent, in order to hurt their 14 year old child, has something wrong with them. They are sick on the head.

(And you've seen it all before, towards yourself, by the sounds of it).

Your daughter will never forget what he’s said to her, it will play on her mind over and over again for the rest of her life. You need to leave him to show her that what he said was absolutely unacceptable and she is your priority.

I know he didn't mean it
Please don't be tempted to minimise it...
Your poor girlie

Abusive people set situations up so they have a constant supply of people to abuse.

He wanted kids (presumably to secure your dependency on him) but has told you many times since that he should have stayed single?

Bollocks.

He is literally saying whatever his thinks will make you and your dds compliant.

You don't have to feel strong to kick him out. You just need to remember how much you love your dds and that boy you can protect them.

You will find the strength, I promise.

OP, you just split. Because now he has started on your daughter he won't stop. There is something about men who hate women, they change when their daughters reach puberty and they become 'fair game'. It happened to me. Tell your DD that what he said was a lie, that it was unacceptable and that you are going to ensure that he never gets the chance to hurt her like that again. Show her you have boundaries and she will learn that she doesn't need to let a man treat her this way.

*must split

Also contact Women's Aid for support leaving, if you need it

He always tells me what he would be doing had he been single still

Go and be single then; miserable, abusive drunk.

Guess who won't be getting loads of visits from his adult children.

Bet you do most of the housework etc even since going back to FT work, op.

He's too lazy and selfish to separate and stay separated. But that doesn't stop him from moaning about being shackled to a wife and child eg .... and severely verbally abusing them when he's drunking.

The first step isn’t necessarily putting the house up for sale, that can be dealt with by solicitors as part of a divorce. In the meantime, focus on the kids burdened with this man as a father, no need to be getting in to arguments or conversing at all with the loser, he can forward any whining to your solicitor.

There is something about men who hate women, they change when their daughters reach puberty and they become 'fair game'

That seems like a very valid point.

Also she's not an uncritical, easily manipulated, simple young child anymore; she's challenging him; so he's abusing her now too. That's unlikely to change.

She will remember him saying that to her for the rest of her life 😞

Please tell me you’re not planning on making your DD sit down to Christmas dinner with this cunt?

^ exactly. ‘Daughter, did you say thank you to your shit father?’ Gross. Your kid will be so damaged by having to have this scummy bloke be her father. How is she being supported for this?

My father said almost exactly the same thing to me once. He was a bit drunk (he’s also an alcoholic). It was over something totally minor. It was about 20 years ago. I left, & didn’t speak to him for several months. This was (is) one of the things I remember about him the most. And that my mother chose to stay.

Please don't minimise this or encourage him to apologise. Do the right thing and see this as the line in the sand. In a year you will be so glad you did. Don't let the fear of the next few months stop you doing the right thing long term.

Sweetheart. I feel for you. Please be brave. Houses, money etc can all be worked out. I promise you there's a wonderful life ahead of you as soon as you split from that awful alcoholic.

I spent far too many years with mine. A peaceful life without her is such a wonderful thing for me and my DC.

Op, I haven't read the whole thread.
But I was once your DD, when I was about 13ish i said something to my dad and he blew up at me, told me I was "a wedge that drives the family apart" and he wished I wasn't there. It wasn't the last time. I've never forgotten it. He's been dead 12 years, and although I loved him and was devastated when he died, we didn't have a good relationship.
I don't think there was any going back for us.
Had he not got sick and passed away, I probably would have walked away from him as I'd gotten older. Him passing away has left me with rose tinted glasses and a need to not speak ill of the dead, but if I'm being honest, Its something I still carry with me now.

I didn't want to be a parent, she was a surprise

It's only a matter of time before he tells her that.

Yes, OP. You should really leave.

Yes you need to split up.

I kicked my abusive DH out when DD was about the same age. He had been a crap husband, but a reasonable father since she was born. When he started on DD, (sober, not drunk) I knew it was time to leave. I had chosen to stay, whilst knowing it probably wouldn't be for ever, and attempts at marriage counselling had been sabotaged by him. DD didn't have a choice, so I left to protect her, and get out of an abusive marriage. Things got a lot better from that point.

Do what you need to do OP - that door has opened now - walk on through, holding your daughters hand firmly - show her you know your boundaries.

He's gifted you the perfect reason to leave him. Use this opportunity.

I hope your dd is ok, this, unfortunately, will stay with her for the rest of her life, no matter how many times he tells her he didn't mean it. By leaving now you will show her that she doesn't have to put up with this type of abuse in a relationship.